What’s in a name? Well, it’s probably the personality traits of your parents. If you’re named John, your parents are boring as hell. If your name is Chastity, your parents had incredibly unfair expectations of you. If you’re named Blanket, your dad is a freak. And if you choose to shorten your name to “B.J.”, then your parents must be evil incarnate to give you a name so horrifying that you’d rather be referred to as “B.J”.

Anyhow, I recently combed through a partial list of actual current baseball players (MLB and minor leagues) and compiled a list of my favorite names for your viewing pleasure. And please add more to the comments section. I never tire of this stuff. And yes, I promise that these are actual, current players . Look them up.

Names that sound like characters in Anchorman:

Buck Coats
Brock Bonds
Chip Cannon
Rex Rundgren
Blake Hawksworth
Jeff Manship
Burke Badenhop
Ronnie Prettyman

Names that sound vaguely racist:

Bradley Coon
Tike Redman
Gookie Dawkins
Jemel Spearman
Kasey Kiker

Names that remind you of celebrities:

Corey Hart
Kevin Smith
Ray Liotta
Dan Cortes
Jason Jones
Steven Wright
Chris Farley

Names that kinda make me uncomfortable:

Brian Bocock
Dirk Hayhurst
R.A. Dickey
Brett Butts
Eddie Kunz
Rocky Roquet
Abe Woody
Billy Spottiswood

Names that just belong together:

Matt Buschman and Bud Norris. I want a player named Bud Buschmann. I’d bet he’d drink PBR.
Tobi Stoner, Michael Dubee, and Brian Joynt.

Name that will force PETA to boycott MLB

J.J. Furmaniak

Name that I wish I had:

Rowdy Hardy

The Cincinnati Reds are a pretty good case study on why mediocre teams shouldn’t pay through the nose for a closer. The club signed Francisco Cordero to a 4 year, $46M deal two seasons ago and they’ve failed to play even .500 ball during those years. Especially for an organization whose payroll is expected to be below $75M for the third year in a row, it seemed like a half-assed move at the time, and it still does.

Gross.

And that’s where the Reds find themselves yet again this spring. They’re not terrible, but they’re probably not going to figure too prominently in the divisional race either.

Offensively, it certainly looks like they have a star in 1B Joey Votto, who continues to impress at the Major League level and I expect Jay Bruce to have a breakout year. And Brandon Phillips remains a pretty good player as long as his power and defense keep holding up.

But I’m not buying into 25-yo Drew Stubbs, who is expected to start Opening Day in CF . At least, not yet. Stubbs appears to be the sort of player that manager Dusty Baker loves a bit too much – a speedy CFer who probably shouldn’t be batting lead-off due to sub-par OBPs (see Taveras, Willy and Pierre, Juan).

In addition, their pitching leaves something to be desired. The rotation is headed up by two pitchers who are on the wrong side of 30 (Harang and Arroyo) and are making $24.75M combined in 2010. Add in Cordero and you’ve got nearly $37M tied up in 3 pitchers who cumulatively posted 5.8 WAR in 2009.  That’s not exactly a good use of limited resources.

The good news is that both Johnny Cueto and Homer Bailey took some steps forward in 2009 though it remains to be seen if they can continue the improvement. Cueto’s K numbers fell quite a bit last year and I’d like to see him rebound in that category before I consider him a better than average pitcher. As for Bailey, he finally showed promise in the second half of 2009, posting K:BB numbers of nearly 2:1 over that span.

And of course, there’s the much bally-hooed Aroldis Chapman, the 21-yo Cuban defector with a 100mph fastball. Chapman’s been turning heads this spring and it’s not just because of the hype. In 7 spring innings, he’s struck out ten while walking four with one run allowed. Yes, this is spring training. And yes, stats from 7 innings tell you next to nothing. But at least he’s not walking everyone and is missing bats. It appears that Chapman will head to the minors for at least a bit, but Reds fans have something to look forward to later on this year when he gets the call, and he alone could make this a successful off-season in retrospect.

The other notable* acquisition for Cinci has been SS Orlando Cabrera, whose value fell off a cliff in 2009. His OBP fell for the second straight season (.316) and his UZR/150 went from a 13.1 in 2008 all the way to -13.7. That’s a 26.8 run difference from one year to another. The Fielding Bible’s +/- tells a similar story, with O-Cab saving 1 run above average in ‘08, but allowing 30 runs above average in ‘09. Now, it needs to be stressed that defensive numbers over one season does not give a very accurate assessment of a player’s abilities and that a larger sample is required. But while I find it hard to believe that one year could have this much of a disparity, it’s pretty clear that his best defensive days are well behind him at this point, making his offensive ineptitude that much more problematic. Admittedly, this is basically nitpicking as it is a one-year deal and he’s not blocking anyone of note.

The Reds seems to have building blocks in Votto, Bruce, Chapman, Cueto, and Bailey. And that’s not even counting top prospects Travis Wood, Mike Leake, Todd Frazier, Yonder Alonso, and Chris Heisey. Plus, Edinson Volquez should be back on the mound sometime in 2010, giving Cinci a very strong future, especially on the pitching side.

But I doubt that this will translate into big league success in 2010, and GM Walt Jocketty needs to think long and hard about trading away both Arroyo and Harang, who are both on the final years of their contracts ASAP. However, the Reds ought to be commended for recognizing that until they can rid themselves of the three huge contracts, and until their burgeoning group of prospects are ready to contribute at the big league level, they should simply sit tight and not do anything rash.

Offseason grade: B

Notable Additions:

Aroldis Chapman, Orlando Cabrera, Aaron Miles, Miguel Cairo (yes, Miguel Cairo), Jose Arredondo

Notable Substractions:

Willy Taveras, Adam Rosales, Darnell McDonald, Craig Tatum, Ramon Ramirez

Projected lineup, rotation and closer:

C Ramon Hernandez
1B Joey Votto
2B Brandon Phillips
SS Orlando Cabrera
3B Scott Rolen
LF Chris Dickerson
CF Drew Stubbs
RF Jay Bruce

SP Aaron Harang
SP Bronson Arroyo
SP Johnny Cueto
SP Homer Bailey
SP Matt Maloney/Aroldis Chapman

CL – Francisco Cordero

- Hot Offseason Index -

* In this instance, “notable” means “sh&#ty”.

Heeeere's Johnny!!!

The Tigers were oh so close to making the postseason last year, slumping at the worst possible time, and eventually bequeathing the AL Central crown to the Twins in a one-game playoff. Because of this, it seems the Tigers were firing on all cylinders up until September, but a close look at their Pythagorean record and their runs scored/allowed ratio belies a team that played .500 ball.

If they’re to avoid going 81-81, the Tigs needed to add some consistency to their order, solidify their defense, and bolster their bullpen. On paper, at least, they did so by upgrading from within and by bringing in a couple of key veterans.

Although their rotation finished 5th in ERA in 2009, only three starters cracked the 30 games pitched and 10 win barrier, so for 2010, GM David Dombrowski added to the pool of potential starters by acquiring Max Scherzer from Arizona and Phil Coke from the Yankees via trade. Considering Coke, Jeremy Bonderman, Dontrelle Willis, Nate Robertson and Armando Galarraga will be fighting for the  last two spots in the rotation, the Tigs look to have a solid starting five. That does depend on Robertson and Willis bouncing back from horrible seasons and Bonderman fighting off the injury bug.

The biggest move was bringing in veteran outfielder Johnny Damon to patrol left, and he’ll likely also take over leadoff responsibilities in place of the departed Curtis Granderson. Manager Jim Leyland will then be able to move rookie Center Fielder Austin Jackson down in the line-up, but it’d be a stretch to expect Damon to hit anything above 15 home runs and a .275 average.

Meanwhile, Miguel Cabrera kicked the juice and reported to camp a few pounds lighter, and his numbers should be a continuation of years past. But can a declining, 36-year-old Magglio Ordoñez stay healthy all year and contribute 20 home runs and 75-90 RBI?

Defensively, the Tigers aren’t getting any younger, and even though newcomer Scott Sizemore will take over a departing Placido Polanco at second base, CHONE suggests this to be a downgrade. Dombrowski signed veteran infielder Adam Everett to take over short, but Brandon Inge’s knees continue to be a problem, and because of the log jam in the outfield, natural outfielder Ryan Raburn may actually see some playing time at third. The silver lining is removing Carlos Guillen from the filed to DH duties now that Damon will patrol left field.

An interesting scenario to watch will the catching duties, where Gerald Laird returns behind the plate but close behind him is rookie Alex Avila, who already received nominations for the starting job.

As far as the bullpen, gone are Brandon Lyon and Fernando Rodney. Newcomer Jose Valverde will take over as the closer, and the team welcomes with open arms the return to health of fireballer Joel Zumaya, who at one point feared his career was over. So far, Leyland has been impressed by a handful of rookie arms that, depending on how well the potential starters fare in spring training, may make the team as middle relievers.

The Tigers made some significant moves in the offseason that on paper may make them one of the top two teams in the mediocre AL Central, but they are relying heavily on contributions from rookies like Sizemore and Jackson. Add to that the potential for veterans like Guillen and Ordoñez to miss some time and you could have a line-up of inconsistent hitters. Likewise, the team’s ERA was greatly bolstered by excellent team defense and with Inge possibly out, Granderson gone and Polanco gone, will the defense decline (and take the pitching with it)?

Offseason grade: B-

Notable Additions:

Johnny Damon, Jose Valverde, Austin Jackson, Max Scherzer, Phil Coke, Adam Everett, Daniel Schlereth.

Notable Substractions:

Curtis Granderson, Edwin Jackson, Fernando Rodney, Aubrey Huff, Brandon Lyon, Placido Polanco, Marcus Thames, Jarrod Washburn.

Projected lineup, rotation and closer:

C Gerald Laird
1B Miguel Cabrera
2B Scott Sizemore
SS Adam Everett
3B Brandon Inge
LF Johnny Damon
CF Austin Jackson
RF Magglio Ordonez
DH Carlos Guillen

SP Justin Verlander
SP Rick Porcello
SP Max Scherzer
SP Jeremy Bonderman
SP Nate Robertson/Dontrelle Willis

CL – Jose Valverde

- Hot Offseason Index -

From WaPo’s Thomas Boswell:

If the Nats can extend Dunn for three years for close to $40 million, they should do it — and fast. His defense may improve. If it doesn’t, he’s still a bargain because the stat lovers have probably overshot in their zeal for quantifying. It’s the way of things. They themselves may be the new inefficiency in the market. Dunn’s defense should slash his price, but not slaughter it.

Boswell’s got a good point about things and the way they are, doesn’t he? Math nerds continue to get more precise in their quest to better measure performance, but as anyone with an understanding of things can tell you, that’s where the nerds go wrong. When it comes to stats, especially baseball stats, there’s a tipping point where more data equals less understanding. At least, that was always my experience in high school algebra.

More kudos to Boswell for pointing out what most analysts overlooked: Dunn’s defense could improve. Frankly, I can’t think of a single reason why Dunn’s defense won’t improve. He’s 30, and that’s the age most players get better at defense. In 2010, I predict his reflexes will sharpen and his 40-yard-dash time will be cut in half.

It takes guts to make bold assertions in the face of lots of contradictory statistical evidence, especially when those assertions are based on vague theories like “it’s the way of things.” But somebody’s got to speak truth to nerdiness, right Tom? So what if your colleagues don’t understand you. They’re just caught up in their zeal for quantifying. They’ll come to their senses.

This post is part of a series in which we liquefy teams’ offseason recipes for success, and drink up the best ones served cold.

Any semblance between the Cleveland Indians and the powerhouse that was supposed to dominate the AL Central for years behind Pronk, Sizemore, Cliff Lee, et al, is but a memory. Their last hurrah came in 2007 as they went down in the ALCS to the eventual World Series Champion Boston Red Sox and entering 2010, the team is in full rebuilding mode.

Out of the pillars that made that 2007 team great, only Travis Hafner and Grady Sizemore remain. Pronk has battled injures in the past few seasons and though he seems healthy, and new manager Manny Acta has talked 30 home runs and 100 RBI, his contract does not fit into the team’s rebuilding future if he doesn’t produce. (BTW, can someone confirm for me if Bud Shaw’s mustache is gray?)

Sizemore continues to be the team’s franchise player, and given his relatively young age he’ll remain a lock in the Indian’s line-up, at least, through 2012.

This is Mark Shapiro's last year as GM

So what’s left? A core of young prospects and a handful of veterans, and a front office in transition. This is Acta’s first year as the team’s manager, and it’ll be Mark Shapiro’s last as general manager. Next year, his long-time assistant Chris Antonetti will take over the GM duties.

Sure enough, the Tribe’s offseason was relatively quiet. There was some interest in bringing in veteran players, losing out to the Twins in signing Orlando Hudson, and flirting with Jermaine Dye, who remains unsigned by any team.

They spent a whopping $2.85MM on Russell Branyan and Mike Redmond and shuffled a few minor-league trades and contracts, including deals for Shelly Duncan, Austin Kearns and Jamey Wright. But without Cliff Lee, the starting rotation is a giant question mark. And don’t look now, but Branyan, the team’s biggest offseason move, has a back problem.

Pronk’s contract and one-dimensional nature, not to mention, his inconsistency the past two years, prevent him from being good trade bait and Sizemore is the lone diamond left in the crown.  The good news is the farm system is well and stocked, being ranked fourth by ESPN’s Keith Law, and for a team like the Tribe, the only thing left to do is build from the ground up.

It could be said that the Indians are still in transition from one administration to another, but the fact that Antonetti has been a crucial part of the Indians’ front office begs a better offseason. Looking back, it seems the Tribe started a slow process of dismantling after the 2007 run, instead of taking the firesale approach, and by now Indians fans must be wondering in which direction, if any, this franchise thinks it is heading.

Offseason grade: F

Notable Additions: 1B Russell Branyan, C Mike Redmond, SP Mitch Talbot

Notable Subtractions: C Kelly Shoppach, 2B Jamie Carroll

Starting line-up, rotation and closer:

C – Lou Marson
1B – Matt LaPorta
2B – Luis Valbuena
SS – Asdrubal Cabrera
3B – Jhonny Peralta
LF – Michael Brantley
CF – Grady Sizemore
RF – Shin-Soo Choo
DH – Travis Hafner

SP1 – Jake Westbrook
SP2 – Fausto Carmona
SP3 – Justin Masterson
SP4 – Aaron Laffey
SP5 – Mitch Talbot

CL – Kerry Wood

- Hot Offseason Index -

Over the last few years Toronto Blue Jays fans have learned the hard way that in the AL East, there’s no point to being “pretty good.”

Seemingly every season, the Jays have ended with more wins than losses, and seemingly every season they’ve missed the playoffs.

Last season Toronto finished with a sub-.500 record for the first time in five seasons, but that was due more to bad luck than bad play, as the team’s Pythagorean record (expected wins and losses, based on the number of runs scored and allowed) was actually more like 83-78.

Edwin Encarnacion likes to get dirty, but can't field.

Blue Jays GM Alex Anthopoulos could have hoped for better luck this season and a return to winning baseball. But really, what would have been the point? When you’re competing with the Red Sox and the Yankees, you’re either great or you’re golfing in October. And the Blue Jays would have needed an unprecidented string of favorable bounces to top either the Sox and Yanks in 2010.

So Anthopoulos did what he had to do, and he started before the 2009 season ended, trading frequently injured 3B Scott Rolen to the Reds and landing a great return. Fangraphs’ Erik Manning wrote, “Toronto must be be ponying up a lot of cash. Even if they are, I still can’t quite wrap my head around this.” Here’s what Manning had to say about Zachary Stewart, the centerpiece of the deal:

Zachary Stewart is the “get” of the trade. He has a 92-95 MPH fastball with good sink and a hard cutting 82-85 MPH slider. He’s quickly climbed the ladder, pitching at High-A, Double-A and now Triple-A this season, and has a cumulative 2.92 FIP in 92 innings pitched. He pitched mostly out of the bullpen last year but is showing some good promise as a starter. He’s a solid B grade pitcher.

Anthopoulos was just getting warmed up. This winter he did what his predecessor JP Riccardi couldn’t; he traded Roy Halladay. In return the Jays acquired at least two badly-needed top 50 prospects in SP Kyle Drabek and 1b/DH Brett Wallace, as well as C Travis d’Arnaud. It was a solid return for a pitcher the Jays had little hope of retaining after 2010.

Just like that the Jays breathed new life into baseball’s worst farm system, landing a talented crop of players (Drabek, Stewart, Wallace, d’Arnaud) who all could be ready for the big leagues this season.

But still, Anthopoulos wasn’t done. The Blue Jays acquired pitcher Brandon Morrow from the Mariners for reliever Brandon League and minor league outfielder Johermyn Chavez. Morrow was drafted fifth overall by the Mariners in ‘06, and still has the potential to be an ace, despite a a few serious injuries thus far in his career. MLB Trade Rumors’ Tim Dierkes thought the Jays came out ahead on the trade:

The Blue Jays come out ahead on this one.  Morrow is an obvious health risk, but he still has frontline starter potential.  It’s a gamble worth taking at the cost of a reliever and a prospect.

After all his wheeling and dealing, Anthopoulos also spent $10.5M on a smattering of free agents, including the slick fielding John McDonald, who will be a utility infielder, and the always disappointing RP Kevin Gregg, who is the leading candidate to close games for the Jays (at least until his craptastic pitching forces them to find somebody else).

Toronto is still somewhat hamstrung by Vernon Wells’ awful contract. The team’s rotation is young and you can expect them to struggle even more this season without Halladay to take the ball every fifth day. Edwin Encarnacion is nobody’s idea of a longterm solution at third base, and Jose Bautista (so far) hasn’t shown the power to justify a corner outfield spot.

The Blue Jays aren’t going to make the playoffs in 2010. But thanks to the moves Anthopoulos made this winter, there’s hope for 2011 and beyond.

Grade: B+

Lost: SP Roy Halladay, SS Marco Scutaro, C Rod Barajas, P Brandon League, 1B Kevin Millar, RP Brian Wolfe, UT Joe Inglett, SS Brian Bocock, OF Russ Adams, C Michael Barrett

Added: SP Kyle Drabek, C Travis d’Arnaud, 1B/DH Brett Wallace, P Brandon Morrow, SS John McDonald, SS Alex Gonzalez, RP Kevin Gregg, C John Buck.

Projected lineup:

C: John Buck
1B: Lyle Overbay/Brett Wallace
2B: Aaron Hill
SS: John MacDonald/Alex Gonzalez
3B: Edwin Encarnacion
RF: Jose Bautista
CF: Vernon Wells
LF: Travis Snider
DH: Adam Lind/Brett Wallace

Projected rotation and closer:

SP1: Ricky Romero
SP2: Sean Marcum
SP3: Brandon Morrow
SP4: Marc Rzepczynski
SP5: Brett Cecil/Kyle Drabek

CL: Kevin Gregg/Jason Frasor/Scott Downs

-Hot Offseason Action Index-

This post is part of a series in which we lob hosannas in the general direction of any team *with* a sense of direction, and throw scorn-grenades at those teams that wandered aimlessly through the wasteland of the offseason as if waiting for some all-knowing beneficent deity to rain prospects upon them like manna from heaven.

Every year I give the Red Sox a good offseason grade and every year some person (rhymes with “bouchedag”) slams me for being a homer. But you know what? The Red Sox actually have one of the smartest ownership-management teams in baseball, if not the smartest. Take this year, for instance. I thought they should let Jason Bay walk, sign Marco Scutaro, sign Adrian Beltre, and sign Matt Holliday. (Three out of four ain’t bad.) They didn’t sign Holliday — but they did something else that I actually think is even smarter. They signed Mike Cameron to play center, moved Ellsbury to left, and used the extra dough to add another pitcher. And not just any pitcher: John Lackey. Why didn’t I think of that?

(Actually, I did think of signing Lackey; I just didn’t expect the Sox to shell out for an expensive, older, free agent pitcher. But I didn’t think of — masterstroke! — signing Cameron.)

In Scutaro, have the Red Sox at last found an answer for their perennial shortstop dilemma?

Heading into 2010, the Sox boast what promises to be a smothering defense, coupled with a downright badass rotation: Jon Lester, Josh Beckett, John Lackey, Daisuke Matsuzaka, and Clay Buchholz. For those of you keeping track at home, two guys in that rotation have already thrown no-hitters in the bigs, four have wins in the postseason, and two are named John. One knows how to steal laptops. Impressive!

The thing everyone in Boston is concerned about is run production. The sports commentariat, in particular, is dismayed at the prospect of a Bayless lineup. This is the same commentariat, however, that has always underrated the contributions of JD Drew, took years to cotton on to Kevin Youkilis, and, prior to a certain infielder’s rookie season, asked, “Is this tiny Dustin Pedroia guy really going to be the starting second baseman for the Boston Red Sox?” Needless to say, the Sox lineup still boasts all three of these players, plus Victor Martinez. Adrian Beltre’s coming off a down year, but away from Safeco — and in front of Fenway’s left wall — his bat promises to play better.

The neat-o thing I like about this lineup is the flexibility it affords manager Terry Francona. (This is especially key considering that Boston’s team is relatively old, and it would behoove Francona to give his veterans regular rest.) Behold the depth:

Projected lineup, rotation, and closer (with backups in parens):

C – Victor Martinez (Jason Varitek)
1B – Kevin Youkilis (Victor Martinez, Mike Lowell)
2B – Dustin Pedroia (Jed Lowrie)
SS – Marco Scutaro (Jed Lowrie)
3B – Adrian Beltre (Mike Lowell, Kevin Youkilis, Bill Hall)
RF – JD Drew (Jeremy Hermida, Bill Hall)
CF – Mike Cameron (Jacoby Ellsbury, Josh Reddick)
LF – Jacoby Ellsbury (Bill Hall, Jeremy Hermida)
DH – Mike Lowell/David Ortiz (Victor Martinez)

SP1 – Jon Lester
SP2 – Josh Beckett
SP3 – John Lackey
SP4 – Daisuke Matsuzaka
SP5 – Clay Buchholz
(SP6 – Tim Wakefield)
(SP7 – Boof Bonser)

CL – Jonathan Papelbon (Daniel Bard)

Significant acquisitions: Marco Scutaro, Adrian Beltre, Bill Hall, Mike Cameron, John Lackey, Boof Bonser, Jeremy Hermida

Losses of note: Jason Bay, George Kottaras, Joey Gathright, Rocco Baldelli, Nick Green, Bill Wagner

Grade: A

This is, as Theo Epstein got slammed for saying, a bridge team. But what a beautiful bridge it is. And the Sox have enough high-ceiling prospects in the lower minors to give me faith in the future, as well.

- Hot Offseason Action index -

From the Denver Post:

Brad Hawpe made a successful debut in Wednesday’s intrasquad scrimmage, doubling and throwing out Jonathan Herrera at second base.

The right fielder, who will play in today’s game, is encouraged by how his body has responded to a lighter weight (roughly 208 pounds, compared with 215 last spring) and healthier diet.

“It’s about feeling better. Having more energy and sleeping more,” said Hawpe, who eats 10 vegetables a day.

I wonder, what does “10 vegetables a day” mean? Does one broccoli floret equal one vegetable? Or must one eat the entire crown?

Is ketchup a vegetable, as Ronald Regan would have us believe?

What about french fries? Or corn on the cob?

So many veggie questions.