White Sox’ left fielder Scott Podsednik had quite an off season.
Not only did the team he had been traded to win the World Series. Not only did he hit two home runs in the post season after hitting none during the regular season — one of them the walk-off kind, the bottom-of-the-ninth-world-series-game-two-winner kind.

Well after all of that, Scottie was in for some more. Much more. This winter, he married Playboy’s Playmate of the month of July, 1998, Lisa Dergan.

That’a boy, Scottie.

See what $22 million can buy? A big, old, expensive rocket.

From today’s New York Times:

HOUSTON (AP) — Roger Clemens is coming out of retirement for the third time, agreeing to a $22 million contract to pitch for the Houston Astros for the rest of 2006.

The 43-year-old Clemens, who will be entering his 23rd major league season, is agreeing first to a minor league contract that pays $322,000 over the five-month minor league season, and his first start is likely to be at Lexington, Ky., the Class A team where his oldest son, Koby, plays.

If all goes well, his second minor-league start would be June 11 at Double-A Corpus Christi, Texas, followed by a start June 16 at Triple-A Round Rock, Texas.

Clemens announced his return Wednesday at a news conference.

“The ball’s in my court now,” he said. “This was a difficult decision on my part in a number of situations. I have to now take the next step and get my body ready to come back, get effective, win games.”

Now the question is, what will Clemens have to do to live up to all the hype surrounding this decision? What will he have to do to live up to all the money?

One thing is for sure: the Astros know they need to win the World Series to justify $22 million spent on a pitcher who will only pitch for half a season. Right now, the team stands in third place, 6.5 games back of the first place Cardinals.

Since 1990, four players have hit 4 HRs in a game. Name them.

ANSWER: Shawn Green, Mike Cameron, Carlos Delgado and Mark Whitten.

Eric Gagne Dodgers reliever Eric Gagne allowed one hit in a scoreless ninth inning Monday to earn a save in his second and final rehab assignment for Triple-A Las Vegas. Gagne got former major leaguer Curtis Pride to ground out to shortstop to end the 8-6 victory.

Gagne said he is scheduled to return to the Dodgers on Thursday, when they return home to play Philadelphia. The former All-Star has looked great during his rehab stint and is primed to regain his role as the Dodgers’ closer upon his return to the majors. It’s likely that it’s too late to pry Gagne away from your fantasy brethren, but it’s worth a shot. Try packaging two good relievers and see if you can catch someone off guard.

Mark Prior Pitching at the Cubs’ Class A affiliate, Prior struggled to get out of the second inning of his rehab appearance on Monday. The 25-year old righty threw 44 pitches in two innings, giving up four hits and three runs. He’s been on the disabled list all season as he works his way back from a sore shoulder.

With the Cubs mired in a season-long slump, don’t expect Prior to be rushed back into the rotation. The Cubs plan to start Prior in atleast two more rehab games before assessing his situation. Prior is a top-notch starter that is worth acquiring if you have trade bait and can afford to stow him away until he reemerges in the majors in mid-June.

Jorge Cantu Devil Rays 2B Jorge Cantu starts a week-long rehab assignment Monday at Double-A Montgomery and is expected back from a broken left foot around June 5.

Despite putting up remarkable numbers, Cantu is still an under-valued fantasy commodity. With eligibility at 2b and 3b, Cantu is coming off of a season in which he led the Devil Rays in homers, RBI’s, hits and doubles. Try to trade for Jorge before he regains full strength and starts mashing again at the Trop.

Carl Pavano Carl Pavano had a bone chip removed from his right elbow by Dr. James Andrews last Thursday, according to the New York Post.

Run for your lives! Anytime you hear the words “Dr. James Andrews” in regard to one of your pitchers, you might as well grab a drink, toast to better times, grin and bear it. Pavano is still hopeful to return before the end of 2006, but at this point, the injury-plagued Pavano holds little to no fantasy value. Stash him only if you have ample room on your DL.

Rich Harden Oakland ace Rich Harden could return to the Oakland rotation as early as this upcoming Sunday. He has been out of action and on the disabled list since late April due to a strained back muscle.

Now may be the perfect time to try to acquire Harden. With a lengthy injury to begin the 2006 campaign, fantasy owners may be growing restless with his prolonged abscence and may not have heard the good news about his return. Offer a respectable trade for Harden in an attempt to make an antsy Harden owner bite without thinking things through.

Stay tuned for my next article in which I’ll tell you which players WILL be injured by the end of this month.

In a recent piece, Houston Chronicle columnist John Lopez praises Craig Biggio for his integrity, despite the fact that Lopez and the Astros’ second baseman have had their disagreements in the past:

I freely admit I like Craig Biggio as a ballplayer and a person. Maybe it’s because in 1990, I was a 28-year-old sportswriter new to the big city and Biggio was a 24-year-old rising baseball star in just his second full big-league season. In the 16 years since, pretty much every time I’ve walked into the Astros clubhouse, there’s been Biggio … and until recently Jeff Bagwell, of course. Even if the time you spend with players is controlled and provides a look at mere slices of their respective lives, you get to know things about them over that kind of span. You understand the people they really are.

Keep reading…

When Barry Bonds hit his (yawn) 715th homer, passing Babe Ruth on the all-time yadda yadda yadda, the Gods may have let their disapproval be known. Giants’ play-by-play announcer Dave Flemming experienced mysterious “technical difficulties” at the exact moment the crucial spheroid deposited itself into the stands.  The AP explains:

Flemming had begun the call at the beginning of Bonds’ fourth-inning at-bat before his hand-held mike quit during the broadcast on the Giants’ flagship station, KNBR.

“Three-and-two. Finley runs. The payoff pitch, a swing and a drive to deep cen …” — that’s all Northern California listeners got when Bonds passed Babe Ruth to move into second place on the career homers list.

[….] The station, which certainly had been planning for this moment for months, was left to replay the television call — and that’s what KNBR will have to rely on for years to recap the moment.

“The mike just cut out,” program director Lee Hammer said, noting he couldn’t pinpoint what went wrong.

Eeeenteresting, veddy eenteresting.

What active player is the only player to hit grand slams from both sides of the plate in the same game?

*hint — he did it against the Texas Rangers.

TRIVIA ANSWER: BILL MUELLER 

Bust out your goggles. Start growing a goatee. Practice your fist pump. Yes, its true - Eric “Game Over” Gagne has completed his rehab assignment for the Las Vegas 51s and is set to return to the Dodgers this week.

For those of you who haven’t been following the story, Gagne has hardly pitched in over a year, ever since he sprained his knee in Spring Training of 2005, tweaked his elbow trying to pitch on a bad knee, and then tweaked it again trying to come back too early.

It remains to be seen if Gagne will be able to return to the form that made him the game’s best closer by far from 2002 to 2004 and carried him to a National League Cy Young Award in 2003.

But for those who may have forgotten just how good Gagne was during those three years, it is worth pointing out that since August of 2002, Gagne saved 116 games and blew only 2 save chances, and during part of that stretch compiled a Major-League record streak of 84 saves in a row without a blown save. Compare that to current Dodger closer Danys Baez, who has already blown 5 saves in 14 opportunities, and it becomes clear why the Dodgers are so anxiously awaiting Gagne’s return, even if he is only 80 percent of what he was before.

But hopes are high that he can be as good as ever. Gagne says he is pain free for the first time in a year, and his pitches apparently are still as nasty as ever. In the words of Las Vegas catcher Eric Langhill, who caught Gagne on Monday, “His fastball’s got life to it. His changeup is like a Nintendo changeup. His curveball is like a Nintendo curveball.”

Now that I see my fellow UmpBumpers up and about, I decided to get up from my couch, grill me some hot dogs and drink me some Molson Canadian. (They have cool labels in the back of the bottle).

I also watched me some ass-whoopin’ White Sox baseball; they romped the Tribe 11-0, in a game that featured 2 homers from big Jim “I wish he was on my fantasy team now” Thome, against his former team.
“Take that boo-birds” said the Sox TV voice, Ken “The Hawk” Harrelson, by which he really meant, “You ungrateful sons o’ bitches, here’s what you get for not gettin’ me the Standing O.”

The victory comes two days after the Blizzard of Oz went on a muy grosero tirade against his team, following a 3-2 extra-inning loss to the Blue Jays.

In all fairness, I really didn’t agree with Ozzie blowing off steam on the team like that. Yes we got our asses kicked Friday night and lost a tough one Saturday; but it happens. We had just swept the A’s at home, something we hadn’t done since the late 80s when all the current White Sox coaches were in the lineup or in the farm system.

Saturday’s loss was due to a lackluster effort, yes. And, although I thought Ozzie had overreacted (something I need to start getting used to), it paid off. The Sox beat the Jays yesterday and whopped today.

I have a small suspicion that Ozzie went off on the team because Tiger’s manager, Jim “I can’t kick the habit” Leyland did it early in the season. Somehow I think that’s Ozzie’s way of keeping up. Detroit’s up one and a half games in the central standings; they were up three and a half just yesterday, but I’m not sure they’ll keep it up.

And then again, I sound just like those overpaid “baseball analyists” on ESPN, none of whom predicted the Sox would win it all last year.

According to a survey of 470 major leaguers, A.J. Pierzynski of the White Sox is the most bean-able baseball player in America. Asked “Which major leaguer would you most like to see get beaned?”, 18% of respondents picked A.J., while 14% chose Barry Bonds. Pedro Martinez was a distant third, with 6%. The runners-up were Alex Rodriguez (5%), Albert Pujols (3%), and Curt Schilling (2%). Jose Guillen, Milton Bradley, Jeff Kent, David Ortiz, and Manny Ramirez each got 1% of the vote.

It’s understandable that players would pick Barry “I thought it was flaxseed oil” Bonds. I can see why they picked A-Rod (252 million reasons) and Pujols (24 reasons, and counting). Pedro has hit 123 batters and Curt Schilling…well. He’s Curt Schilling. Most of the players up there are very good—jealousy explains their presence on the list. But A.J.? He’s average. Is he just that much of an asshole?

Well, Pierzynski drew more than 42% of the vote in his native AL Central, and his own manager admitted he’d have picked him if he’d been asked. Even at his (only) fan-site, 58% of poll respondents said they hated him. Ouch. I guess that’s what happens when you knee your own trainer in the balls.

Does that mean that Michael Barrett has been getting a lot of free drinks?