• HaroldHecuba: Mike Mussina is EASTERN EUROPEAN, not Italian....

That's gonna leave a markThis is the thought pattern of every fan in Red Sox Nation this morning:

Matt Clement. Matt Clement. Matt CleMENT WHY DO YOU SUCK SO MUCH GAAAHAHGHGHGUHGDSghghtklllrrrrmm. How many times did you start out with two strikes on a guy? And HOW many times could you not close the deal? I’m done with you, Clem. Done. Look at what the ProJo said about last night:

As much as Johnson struggled, Boston starter Clement was worse. It was an awful night in every way for him.

He lasted 4 1/3 innings and was tagged for eight runs. He allowed nine hits, walked four, hit a batter and had two wild pitches.

You see that, Clem? Now go to the clubhouse and think about what you’ve done.

And Terry Francona, why did you not futz again with the rotation to spare the Fenway Faithful the horror of watching Clement pitch against the Yankees? I know, I know, he was really upset at you last time for dicking him out of his turn. But you know what? Pitching against the Yankees in Fenway Park is not a right. It is a privilege. It must be earned. And tonight, Josh Beckett looks for win number seven against the Devil Rays. The lowly D-Rays! Oh, Tito. And then you left him in. You left him in! It was obvious he wasn’t the same pitcher after taking that line drive off the leg. His teammates gave him a lead (TWICE!) but he just couldn’t hold it. Why? Because he’s Matt Clement. And he sucks SO MUCH!

And Dustan Mohr in the lineup. Terry. Babe. What are you trying to DO TO ME. I know Trot Nixon sometimes struggles against the lefties, but even so, he’s still better than DUSTAN MOHR. Mohr has 20 k’s in 40 at-bats. I think we need to see a little less of Mohr, please.

GAAAAAAAAAAH!Oh, David Ortiz. David, David, David. Where was your mighty, Yankee-killing bat last night? Where was it? WHY did you put up a big fat 0 for 5. WHY did you strike out four times. Is Wily Mo’s Wily Mo-ness rubbing off on you? Oh, David. Some perspective from the Globe:

It was only the fourth time in 936 career games that Ortiz fanned four times in a game and his first time in a Red Sox uniform, a span of 481 games.

But in the 8th inning! Bases loaded! Two down! Papi at the plate! Just the situation you WANT to HAVE and then you WHIFFED. Oh, it hurts. It hurts deep inside MY SOUL. Oh, there is absolutely NO JOY here in Mudville. Mighty Papi has struck out.

And YOU Wily Mo. YOU. YOUUUUU. And no, that is not “youuu” as in the low croon of appreciation we give to Kevin Youkilis whenever he so much as picks his nose. This is not the loving “Yooouuuk.” This is an angry snarl–YOOUUUU!!!! You were on third base with two down and a full count and that passed ball went all the way to the backstop WHY WEREN’T YOU RUNNING YOU FOOL!

Red Sox! WHY do you torment me so! Neither Matsui, nor the evil Damon, nor Posada were in the lineup last night and THIS is what you can do with it? Randy Johnson is hemmoraging on the mound and THIS is the most you can accomplish!?

In two weeks, we play four in New York. I WANT BLOOD. BLOOD you hear? BLOOD Terry! BLOOD Papi!

Nice job, Youk. Nice homer. Nice scrappy play down there at first. Attaboy. Can I pat your butt like they do in the dugout? No? Okay then. Maybe later? No? Okay, sorry.

Oh, and Manny. Two talljacks! Running through a stop sign at third to score! You crazy kid! I love ya! Just don’t get thrown out doing that. Then I’ll kill you. Mmmmmkay?

I need liquor. It’s almost 11 am, now, right?

Tek, I know just how you feel

3 Responses to “Oh, the shame of it.”

  1. this is beautiful. how did i not see this column the first time around?

  2. Nick Kapur says:

    Haha, good ol’ Onion!

    But I am saddened to find no reference to the Crime Dog in this article…

  3. Gotta agree with you Nick. If I’m getting Emanski, then McGriff and his three foot-tall trucker’s cap has to be there too.

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