In following the Brett Myers story, I have noticed that in the photos accompanying each article, Brett’s facial hair is slightly different. And yet each arrangement is equally unfortunate. Fellow UmpBumper Coley Ward, who as a lifelong Phillies fan has had Myers on his radar screen for quite some time, confirmed that Myers has a long track record of Unfortunate Facial Hair, with a rap sheet including aggravated mustaches, intent-to-distribute soul patches, and 1st-degree goatees.

Exhibit A

In this official photo, Myers has taken special care to sculpt the hair around his chin into a donut shape (note the slight bald patch in the middle of the goatee). A hint of mustache grazes his upper lip, though it’s so sparse one wonders whether it could possibly be intentional. It has that oops-just-missed-a-spot look to it, and yet…and yet…with the smooth cheeks to either side, one can only conclude that Myers made a conscious decision to leave the lip fuzz intact. It’s a pity. Aside from the half-mast ‘stache, the goatee is not too bad, as far as goatees are concerned. Well. Except for that donut-hole thing of course. Take a last look, UmpBumpers. This is as good as it gets.

Exhibit B

While still suspiciously fuzzy, the careful observer will note that, in this side view, the upper lip has been more closely shorn. Intead of a goatee, Myers has cultivated a double-decker soul-patch-plus-chin-cap: two terrible hair ideas composed together on one facial canvas! The soul patch is becoming increasingly popular on the baseball diamonds of today. Why do so many ballplayers want to look like second-rate saxaphonists? Is playing major league ball not enough? The “chin cap,” too, seems ever more popular. Unattached to anything, floating there at the bottom of the face, it reminds me of nothing so much as a hairy antarctic ice cap. However, the worst is yet to come.


In these two shots, the shadow-stache and sole-patch have been removed entirely. And yet, I’m sure the candid viewer would agree, the result is hardly an inprovement:

Exhibit DExhibit E








Whether the Van Dyck-style billy goat beard is shaped into a Satanic point (above right) or given the slightly more rounded tip of a tongue depressor, either way the aesthetic results are not ocularly pleasing.

Exhibit...which letter are we on, now?

And yet, neither is the apparent inverse of the above composition (right). Full ‘stache, and a thin outline of goatee. It makes his chin look like a tiny block of advertising space. I expect to see “Your ad here” in wee little letters stamped below his lip. Perhaps, given the extreme close-ups favored by today’s baseball cameramen, this was indeed his hope. I wonder how much you’d have to pay to get the Ford logo on a pitcher’s chin for a few innings?

There you have it, sportsfans. Brett Myers: The UFH Retrospective.

Sorry about your retinas. I should have warned you.

No Responses to “Brett Myers: Greatest Hits”

  1. Nick Kapur says:

    Sarah I have to say, that would be a pretty good trade that would upgrade both teams. Coco Crisp has a pretty lousy OPS of .710, which the Red Sox could very easily replace or better with a combination of Wily Mo, Gabe Kapler, and whoever else. Meanwhile, assuming there is nothing physically wrong with him, Mark Buehrle would make a pretty sweet fifth starter.

    As for the ChiSox, they could easily replace or even beter Buehrle’s production by sliding Brandon McCarthy back into the rotation, and Crisp would be a huge upgrade over their current everyday centerfielder Brian Anderson, who has a truly abominable .642 OPS, with less speed and power than Crisp as well.

  2. Sarah Green says:

    I read in today’s paper that the Sox were also thinking of dealing Loretta or Youkilis. Or Lowell. For the right price, of course. But this just confirms the inanity of Sox FO thinking, in my view. The Sox have perhaps the best infield in the majors this year. Why mess with success? I know pitching wins in the postseason but….but….but…..

    Also, went to the game tonight, and alleged trade-bait Nixon (though no one ever seems to bite) had to leave mid at-bat with an injury (after a violent swing-and-miss). So if the Sox need Wily Mo and/or Gabe Kapler to play right for a while, I really doubt we will be able to spare Crisp any time soon. Who, btw, made another kickass catch tonight. Yes, I did see that catch Coco made!

  3. Nick Kapur says:

    Well the classic saying is actually “Pitching and defense wins championships” (one of the few pieces of conventional wisdom that the statheads actually agree with, btw), so that is even more reason to not to trade any of the Red Sox’ fantastic foursome on the infield.

    But thing I think the Red Sox are worried about is, it’s very possible that the Wild Card will come out of the Central division this year, so with the Yankees only one game back in the East, they are really feeling the pressure to win the division outright. So while upgrading at fifth starter may only add one win in the final standings at this point, that win could be crucial.

    But in general, I don’t think a willingness to consider trading any and all players on your roster, given the right circumstances, classifies as “inanity.” Making certain players “untouchable” no matter what deal comes along is the greater foolishness, I feel. Crafting a championship baseball is hard enough to as is, and even harder if you don’t leave all options open.

    I pretty much agree with your sentiment that the Red Sox are pretty good as is, and if it ain’t broke, etc. But if the right deal came along, who knows? Look how well that Nomar for Cabrerra thing worked out…

    By the way, I did catch that Crisp catch tonight. It was pretty sweet. Too bad all the runs ended up scoring anyway, though. It does seem like he won’t be traded now that Nixon is out.

  4. Sarah Green says:

    I think there are only a couple of “untouchable” players on the Sox roster, and I’m not opposed to trading players if it makes the team better. That’s the key word, though, *better.*

    I was just surprised that Theo has apparently been shopping around his golden boy Coco Crisp after gearing up the entire Red Sox marketing machine for him just a few months ago. See the last line of the post again.

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