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8

Harold Reynold Needs (another) Hug

POSTED BY ON 3:30 pm, July 26, 2006 - POSTED IN News reel

It’s official. Harold Reynolds was fired by ESPN for sexual harassment. It seems Reynolds, who had a reputation at ESPN for hounding the Bristol chicks, was fired after a female ESPN employee complained that he hugged her inappropriately at an Outback Steakhouse.

First question: Hadn’t the woman heard that at Outback, inappropriate hugs are just Australian for, “I appreciate the work you do and I really respect you as a colleague”?

Second question: What does an “inappropriate hug” look like? Is it a hug where the man approaches from the front, wraps his arms around the woman and then grabs her butt cheeks? Is it a hug where the man approaches from behind, places his hands on the woman’s breasts and then lets gravity drag them south? What made this hug inappropriate? What makes any hug innapropriate?

Inquiring minds want to know.

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8 comments so far

8 Responses to “Harold Reynold Needs (another) Hug”

  1. Jeb says:
    July 26, 2006 at 6:22 pm

    I think any hug by John Kruk would immediately be deemed “inappropriate”.

    I wonder if there was one of those mixups where Harold chose the wrong side to “hug on” and ended up with the always-uncomfortable facial space violation. Obviously, I’m a Harold -is half “not scuzzbag” kind of optimist.

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  2. Jeb says:
    July 26, 2006 at 6:37 pm

    I just consulted with a few co-workers. Sadly, this list wasn’t available to Harold Reynolds on Tuesday.

    1. A male-female “appropriate” hug must never involve parallel hip/pelvic regions between co-huggers. That is, it is the male huggers responsibility to provide an angled, non-threatening hip/pelvic environment for comfortable “friend/co-worker hugs.”

    2. Any sort of pelvic motion is strictly prohibited to achieve appropriateness.

    3. Two and a half seconds is the legal maximum fot an appropriate hug. Anything more is punishable by law/HR.

    4. If male co-0workers are to hug, reassuring “friend-pats” must be offered to confirm masculinity. Any scratching, or audible indication of pleasure is strictly prohibited.

    5. Hand placement: Appropriate-ness is breached if hands make contact below the 5th vertebrae.

    6. Transfer of bodily fluids may indicate a level of inappropriate-ness.

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  3. Sarah says:
    July 26, 2006 at 10:21 pm

    Okay, gents, here’s the deal with innappropriate hugging.

    Ask yourself: Am I firmly caressing her back with my hand(s)? Am I pressing against her back with my fingers or thumb(s)? Am I giving her back a pseudo-massage, rubbing in either a vertical or circular motion?

    Are you pressing the lady firmly to your chest? Are her breasts squooshing up against your sternum? Are her breasts, in fact, touching you at all? Have you, in short, failed to “lean in”?

    Are your hands creeping up to her neck? Are you fondling her hairline? Or, perhaps, are your hands drifting down—anywhere below the bra strap? Have you unfastened her bra?

    Have you allowed one hand to rest on her derriere, as if hoping she would not notice? Have you, in fact, gone for a little booty-pinch? Is your hand down her pants? Is it inside her underwear? Is it inside *her*?

    If you answered yes to any of these questions, gentlemen, your hug is innappropriate. You *are* the weakest link. Goodbye.

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  4. Curt says:
    July 27, 2006 at 9:28 pm

    Obviously the woman never heard the Outback Slogan “No Rules, Just Right.”

    And honestly who picks Outback Steak House to harrass someone? Private Office? Yes. Stairwell? Yes. Company trip/party/retreat? A time honored tradition. But Outback? Pure stupidity to have witnesses Harold.

    I would’ve fired him too, but 10% of it would be for doing it in a stupid place.

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  5. Coley Ward says:
    August 3, 2006 at 7:34 am

    Prince Fielder!

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  6. Nick Kapur says:
    August 3, 2006 at 12:04 pm

    Prince Fielder is one of them! Can anyone name the other two?

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  7. Jeb says:
    August 3, 2006 at 4:04 pm

    Josh Barfield (Jesse)and Tony Armas Jr.?

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  8. Nick Kapur says:
    August 3, 2006 at 7:02 pm

    Yes, that’s right, Jeb!

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