• HaroldHecuba: Mike Mussina is EASTERN EUROPEAN, not Italian....
8

Harold Reynold Needs (another) Hug

POSTED BY ON 3:30 pm, July 26, 2006 - POSTED IN News reel

It’s official. Harold Reynolds was fired by ESPN for sexual harassment. It seems Reynolds, who had a reputation at ESPN for hounding the Bristol chicks, was fired after a female ESPN employee complained that he hugged her inappropriately at an Outback Steakhouse.

First question: Hadn’t the woman heard that at Outback, inappropriate hugs are just Australian for, “I appreciate the work you do and I really respect you as a colleague”?

Second question: What does an “inappropriate hug” look like? Is it a hug where the man approaches from the front, wraps his arms around the woman and then grabs her butt cheeks? Is it a hug where the man approaches from behind, places his hands on the woman’s breasts and then lets gravity drag them south? What made this hug inappropriate? What makes any hug innapropriate?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Tagged: , , , ,

8 comments so far

8 Responses to “Harold Reynold Needs (another) Hug”

  1. Jeb says:
    July 26, 2006 at 6:22 pm

    I think any hug by John Kruk would immediately be deemed “inappropriate”.

    I wonder if there was one of those mixups where Harold chose the wrong side to “hug on” and ended up with the always-uncomfortable facial space violation. Obviously, I’m a Harold -is half “not scuzzbag” kind of optimist.

    Report
    Reply
  2. Jeb says:
    July 26, 2006 at 6:37 pm

    I just consulted with a few co-workers. Sadly, this list wasn’t available to Harold Reynolds on Tuesday.

    1. A male-female “appropriate” hug must never involve parallel hip/pelvic regions between co-huggers. That is, it is the male huggers responsibility to provide an angled, non-threatening hip/pelvic environment for comfortable “friend/co-worker hugs.”

    2. Any sort of pelvic motion is strictly prohibited to achieve appropriateness.

    3. Two and a half seconds is the legal maximum fot an appropriate hug. Anything more is punishable by law/HR.

    4. If male co-0workers are to hug, reassuring “friend-pats” must be offered to confirm masculinity. Any scratching, or audible indication of pleasure is strictly prohibited.

    5. Hand placement: Appropriate-ness is breached if hands make contact below the 5th vertebrae.

    6. Transfer of bodily fluids may indicate a level of inappropriate-ness.

    Report
    Reply
  3. Sarah says:
    July 26, 2006 at 10:21 pm

    Okay, gents, here’s the deal with innappropriate hugging.

    Ask yourself: Am I firmly caressing her back with my hand(s)? Am I pressing against her back with my fingers or thumb(s)? Am I giving her back a pseudo-massage, rubbing in either a vertical or circular motion?

    Are you pressing the lady firmly to your chest? Are her breasts squooshing up against your sternum? Are her breasts, in fact, touching you at all? Have you, in short, failed to “lean in”?

    Are your hands creeping up to her neck? Are you fondling her hairline? Or, perhaps, are your hands drifting down—anywhere below the bra strap? Have you unfastened her bra?

    Have you allowed one hand to rest on her derriere, as if hoping she would not notice? Have you, in fact, gone for a little booty-pinch? Is your hand down her pants? Is it inside her underwear? Is it inside *her*?

    If you answered yes to any of these questions, gentlemen, your hug is innappropriate. You *are* the weakest link. Goodbye.

    Report
    Reply
  4. Curt says:
    July 27, 2006 at 9:28 pm

    Obviously the woman never heard the Outback Slogan “No Rules, Just Right.”

    And honestly who picks Outback Steak House to harrass someone? Private Office? Yes. Stairwell? Yes. Company trip/party/retreat? A time honored tradition. But Outback? Pure stupidity to have witnesses Harold.

    I would’ve fired him too, but 10% of it would be for doing it in a stupid place.

    Report
    Reply
  5. Coley Ward says:
    August 3, 2006 at 7:34 am

    Prince Fielder!

    Report
    Reply
  6. Nick Kapur says:
    August 3, 2006 at 12:04 pm

    Prince Fielder is one of them! Can anyone name the other two?

    Report
    Reply
  7. Jeb says:
    August 3, 2006 at 4:04 pm

    Josh Barfield (Jesse)and Tony Armas Jr.?

    Report
    Reply
  8. Nick Kapur says:
    August 3, 2006 at 7:02 pm

    Yes, that’s right, Jeb!

    Report
    Reply

Leave a Reply

February 18, 2013

Another tough break for Gamel

February 12, 2013

Montero’s assessment not necessarily a reflection on Bauer

Marketplace

    Subscribe via email

    Enter your email address:

    Archives

Recent Posts

What's Popular

Featured posts

220px-Bbwaa_logo_web

December 5, 2011

Will anybody get elected to the Hall of Fame this year?

Last week, we asked you to vote for who you would like to see enshrined in baseball’s Hall of Fame. The verdict? If it were up to UmpBump readers, nobody would make it in. The leading vote getter (so far) is Jeff Bagwell, who has 60% support. Of course, in the real voting, players need […]

January 5, 2011

Annual UmpBump Hall of Fame Balloting: 2011 Edition

In what has become an annual tradition, we here at UmpBump cast our ballots for the Hall of Fame on the eve of the announcements of the voting for the real Hall of Fame. Voters can vote for anyone ever who has been retired from baseball for at least five years and is not already […]

According to the internet, "The Little Napoleon" John McGraw was the greatest manager of all time.

October 19, 2010

Crowdsourcing the Greats: The Top 10 Managers of All Time

Now that we’ve looked at every position on the diamond, as well as relief pitchers, we are nearing the end of our “Crowdsourcing the Greats” series. But before we finish, let’s turn one more time to the internet hoi polloi for answers on who the greatest baseball manager of all time was. As usual, we […]

Marketplace