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Here’s all you need to know about Philadelphia Daily News columnist Paul Hagen: he’s an asshole.

Hagen (that’s him in the middle in the photo), in a transparent attempt to shine the spotlight on himself, has gone and made a prediction. He says the Phillies will win the NL wild card.

No, actually, it isn’t so much a prediction as it is a guarantee. Hagen says the Phils are a sure thing, because their competition is weak:

HERE’S THE thing about you and another guy being chased by a bear. You don’t have to run faster than the bear. Just the other guy.

Which is the enviable position the Phillies find themselves in with exactly 1 week remaining in the regular season. They have to finish ahead of the Padres. Or the Dodgers. Not both. One of the Left Coast teams can go undefeated the rest of the way. Doesn’t matter. The Phillies only have to win at least one more game than the club that fails to take that division.

And they will.

Hagen must really hate the Phillies. Or maybe he hates Philly fans. Or maybe he’s just really, really stupid. But whatever it is, he has jinxed our team. You can’t possibly talk about a playoff birth like that an then expect it to happen. That’s like when a girl practices saying her first name with her boyfriend’s last name. That marriage will never happen.

Of course, Hagen couldn’t just leave it at, “And they will.” He had to keep going:

Really, the only real question left is who they will be playing when the Division Series begins next week.

Oh my god. Somebody please kill this man. He must be stopped. Both for writing terribly (“Really, the only real question”? Really Paul? REALLY?) and for killing our playoff dreams.

Paul Hagan, go to hell. 

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No Responses to “Writer jinxes Phils season”

  1. Sarah Green says:

    Is that why none of my relationships ever work out?

    Seriously though, I have to confess that pressed on-air to make a summer prediction back in the halcyon days of July, I said on Out of Bounds that the Sox would finally win the AL East. I did add the verbal equivalent of a knock on wood though (“I don’t want to jinx my team but…”) but apparently it wasn’t enough. Not with the “get used to being in first place” column I wrote back in June.

    I am a worthless human being.

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