Here’s all you need to know about Philadelphia Daily News columnist Paul Hagen: he’s an asshole.

Hagen (that’s him in the middle in the photo), in a transparent attempt to shine the spotlight on himself, has gone and made a prediction. He says the Phillies will win the NL wild card.

No, actually, it isn’t so much a prediction as it is a guarantee. Hagen says the Phils are a sure thing, because their competition is weak:

HERE’S THE thing about you and another guy being chased by a bear. You don’t have to run faster than the bear. Just the other guy.

Which is the enviable position the Phillies find themselves in with exactly 1 week remaining in the regular season. They have to finish ahead of the Padres. Or the Dodgers. Not both. One of the Left Coast teams can go undefeated the rest of the way. Doesn’t matter. The Phillies only have to win at least one more game than the club that fails to take that division.

And they will.

Hagen must really hate the Phillies. Or maybe he hates Philly fans. Or maybe he’s just really, really stupid. But whatever it is, he has jinxed our team. You can’t possibly talk about a playoff birth like that an then expect it to happen. That’s like when a girl practices saying her first name with her boyfriend’s last name. That marriage will never happen.

Of course, Hagen couldn’t just leave it at, “And they will.” He had to keep going:

Really, the only real question left is who they will be playing when the Division Series begins next week.

Oh my god. Somebody please kill this man. He must be stopped. Both for writing terribly (“Really, the only real question”? Really Paul? REALLY?) and for killing our playoff dreams.

Paul Hagan, go to hell. 


No Responses to “Writer jinxes Phils season”

  1. Sarah Green says:

    Is that why none of my relationships ever work out?

    Seriously though, I have to confess that pressed on-air to make a summer prediction back in the halcyon days of July, I said on Out of Bounds that the Sox would finally win the AL East. I did add the verbal equivalent of a knock on wood though (“I don’t want to jinx my team but…”) but apparently it wasn’t enough. Not with the “get used to being in first place” column I wrote back in June.

    I am a worthless human being.

Leave a Reply

    Recent Comments

    • planet hobbywood: This is very interesting.
    • Bren: He is a awesome player and a good man.. sweet.. polite.. friendly.. down to earth.. he never acted as though he...
    • HADAJUN( Japanese): Okajima a Japanese hero?
    • Rickt: I am the biggest Cal Jr fan around but one of my good friends played minor league baseball in the Orioles...
    • HADAJUN: I wish for play in Japan. The death is regrettable.


    Subscribe via email

    Enter your email address:


Featured posts

December 5, 2011

Will anybody get elected to the Hall of Fame this year?

Last week, we asked you to vote for who you would like to see enshrined in baseball’s Hall of Fame. The verdict? If it were up to UmpBump readers, nobody would make it in. The leading vote getter (so far) is Jeff Bagwell, who has 60% support. Of course, in the real voting, players need […]

January 5, 2011

Annual UmpBump Hall of Fame Balloting: 2011 Edition

In what has become an annual tradition, we here at UmpBump cast our ballots for the Hall of Fame on the eve of the announcements of the voting for the real Hall of Fame. Voters can vote for anyone ever who has been retired from baseball for at least five years and is not already […]

October 19, 2010

Crowdsourcing the Greats: The Top 10 Managers of All Time

Now that we’ve looked at every position on the diamond, as well as relief pitchers, we are nearing the end of our “Crowdsourcing the Greats” series. But before we finish, let’s turn one more time to the internet hoi polloi for answers on who the greatest baseball manager of all time was. As usual, we […]