The Astros have signed Carlos Lee for $100 million. That’s right, the big guy is going to be making in excess of $16 million per year for six years.

That’s a lot of money. It’s hard to even picture what that much money would look like. For those of you who can’t wrap your mind around the prospect of a paycheck that large, let umpbump put it in terms that you (and fat Carlos) can understand.

$100 million could buy:

119,047,619 Krispy Kreme glaze donuts

34,482,759 Big Macs

14,285,714 Six-packs of Budweiser

26,666,667 pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream

Lee is listed at 6-foot-2 and 240 pounds and there have been questions about him being out of shape. Questions like, “Are they feeding that guy in between innings?” and “Should we be worried that he might try and eat Willie Taveras?”

Phillies GM Pat Gillick, who reportedly tried to sign Lee after first missing out on the much slimmer Alfonso Soriano, was quoted the other day saying, “Lee is a heck of an athlete.” Gillick is right. Lee is a heck of an athlete, in the same way that Kobayashi is a heck of an athlete.

Why wasn’t Gillick worried about Lee’s weight? The same reason the Astros aren’t worried. They know something many people don’t: uniforms with vertical pinstripes are slimming.

12 Responses to “Astros sign Fat Carlos”

  1. Sarah Green says:

    If I were Woody Williams, I’d be sad that I didn’t even warrant a mention in your post, Ward. I mean, I know 12.5 million over 2 years hardly compares to Lee’s deal, but still. Not too shabby.

    Also, that is a (pardon my language) fuck-ton of Chunky Monkey. If only it came in lactose-free!

  2. Coley Ward says:

    Jeter: I’m the best SS in the world!

    Gonzo: Dude, I crap better shortstops than you.
    (grimaces. grunts.)

    Jeter: Dude, you crapped out Julio Lugo! Gross!

  3. Sarah Green says:

    The real secret behind A-Gonz’s good defensive stats…..plenty of boosts.

  4. Nick Kapur says:

    Alex shows the Red Sox what he thinks of Julio Lugo taking his job away!

  5. This is how we do squats in the Dominican!

  6. Sarah Green says:

    Here, Julio Lugo performs an interpretive dance demonstrating how he will oust Alex Gonzalez from the Red Sox infield. Lugo choreographed the piece after being inspired by a Rodin sculpture, a jujitsu competition, and the anatomy of human birth. “I wanted my position vis-a-vis Alex’s position to represent the rebirth of offensive capability at short, if you will,” said Lugo. “It’s about regeneration, the inescapable cycles of life and death, and the Oedipal urges lying fallow within us all.”

  7. A turtlehead of enormous proportions…

  8. Sarah Green says:

    Zvee my man. What is a turtlehead?? I think Dick Cheney sort of looks like a large turtle. Or tortoise. Does this have anything to do with Dick Cheney?

  9. “I am squishing your head!”

  10. Sarah Green says:

    Alex Gonzalez tries the “between the legs” basketball dribble. Only problem—he was palming Julio Lugo’s head, not a basketball.

  11. I’m sorry if this is off-topic, but I need some feedback. Do you think extended auto warranties a good deal?
    Thanks in advance for your input.

  12. Wow, I better talk to the trainer. This jock itch is really starting to get nasty.

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