The cliche-ridden nature of sports writing was weighing heavy on my spirit, so I was trying to think of some new, original way to say “six-player deal.” Hexatrade? No, that sounds like some sort of Wiccan investing website. Sexaswap? Indeed, that sounds like how Coley spends his Friday nights. (Oh! snap! Meanwhile, I spend my Saturday nights reading, because I had work today and oh, surprise, I have work again tomorrow. Sigh. Sexaswapping will have to wait, clearly. And, in the meantime, I’ll just waste time on the Internets.) Anyways, this is all by way of saying that the Diamondbacks and the the Brewers have inked (sports cliche!) a six-player deal (sports cliche!).

From Arizona TO Milwaukee: Catcher Johnny Estrada, as well as right-handed pitchers Claudio Vargas and Greg Aquino.

From Milwaukee TO Arizona: Lefties Doug Davis and Dana Eveland, as well as outfielder Dave Krynzel.

Estrada is a decent offensive catcher (a former All-Star, 30 years old, not too much power these days) and Davis is a middle-of the-road pitcher (ERA of 4.91, and has almost exactly the same number of wins as losses over his career: 62-63 in 8 seasons, 11-11 last year) who is mostly known for pitching a lot of innings. Aquino has a strong arm but a high ERA for a reliever (4.93 in 111 appearances). Vargas was waived by the Nats two years ago, but has a winning record since then, and had a 4.92 ERA last season. Eveland, finally, will bring us out of the 4.90 range with his 6.98 ERA. Ouch—the guy is 1-4 in 36 games in the majors. And the other player in the deal, the outfielder Krynzel, hit just .188 in 21 games in the majors, .231 in the minors.

So, basically, a lot of mediocre guys are now racking up some frequent flier miles between Arizona and Milwaukee. In fact, the most interesting thing about this deal is the chilling similarity in facial hair between the two best-known players, Estrada and Davis. Behold:

exhibit Aexhibit B

Ye gods! The soul strip is spreading through MLB like mono through a freshman dorm! Is no one safe? Can we not sleep soundly in our beds at night? Will no one stop this abomination?? My fellow Americans, one must draw the line somewhere.

Just not down the middle of one’s chin. With hair.

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