This week’s Boston Metro column, in which I give new Red Sox rightfielder J.D. Drew some unsolicited advice on how to win friends, influence people, and get a rep as a dirtdog (I can see from the photo he’s already listening!).
Also, I just realized looking at this photo that Drew’s number is 7. So is outgoing, longtime Sox right fielder Trot Nixon’s. That’s sort of a strange coincidence.
After the jump, all the stuff I had to cut out of the column for space reasons.
Now that you’ve read my column (you did, right?), here’s the other stuff J.D. should do if he wants to be popular in Boston. Really, it’s not complicated:
Do a commercial for Sullivan Tire, Bernie and Phyl’s, or Dunkin Donuts. Don’t let yourself get roped into the “I’m the newest member of Red Sox Nation” billboard.Be nice to the bleacher creatures. Fire Scott Boras. Give to the Jimmy Fund. Stay away from the Foxy Lady. Sign autographs. Accept the validity of dinosaur fossils.
Don’t “joke” with Dan Shaugnessy.
Make your glove the place where triples go to die. Under no circumstances are you to impotently chase a ball as it rolls around the corner and kicks back towards center. Definitely don’t alleyoop it into the stands. And never, ever, ever let it roll between your legs.
Chest-bump the umpire. Take a swing at a Yankee. Throw your batting helmet. Spit.