This week’s Boston Metro column, in which I give new Red Sox rightfielder J.D. Drew some unsolicited advice on how to win friends, influence people, and get a rep as a dirtdog (I can see from the photo he’s already listening!).

J.D.'s gonna have to get a little bit dirrty!

Also, I just realized looking at this photo that Drew’s number is 7. So is outgoing, longtime Sox right fielder Trot Nixon’s. That’s sort of a strange coincidence.

After the jump, all the stuff I had to cut out of the column for space reasons.

Now that you’ve read my column (you did, right?), here’s the other stuff J.D. should do if he wants to be popular in Boston. Really, it’s not complicated:

Do a commercial for Sullivan Tire, Bernie and Phyl’s, or Dunkin Donuts. Don’t let yourself get roped into the “I’m the newest member of Red Sox Nation” billboard.Be nice to the bleacher creatures. Fire Scott Boras. Give to the Jimmy Fund. Stay away from the Foxy Lady. Sign autographs. Accept the validity of dinosaur fossils.

Don’t “joke” with Dan Shaugnessy.

Run hard.

Make your glove the place where triples go to die. Under no circumstances are you to impotently chase a ball as it rolls around the corner and kicks back towards center. Definitely don’t alleyoop it into the stands. And never, ever, ever let it roll between your legs.

Chest-bump the umpire. Take a swing at a Yankee. Throw your batting helmet. Spit.

6 Responses to “PR for JD”

  1. Nick Kapur says:

    It took Sarah’s picture of JD Drew with a dirtstained shirt and her observation that both Drew and Trot Nixon have the same number, but finally something clicked in my lil ol’ brain. At least injury-wise, aren’t Drew and Nixon eeriely the same player?

    JD Drew and Trot Nixon both became fulltime starters eight years ago, in 1999. But whereas Drew quickly aquired a reputation for being “injury-prone,” Nixon became known as a “hard-nosed hustler” type of player. But if we look at the number of games played by each player over their eight full seasons in the majors, we find that while JD Drew has averaged 118 games played per season, Trot Nixon has averaged . . . 120 games played per season.

    Of course, Drew has a much higher batting average, on-base percentage, and slugging percentage over those eight seasons.

  2. Sarah Green says:

    Nick, with your arsenal of baseball knowledge, surely you must know of some vast, Bill-Jamesian database where we can see how many times (on average) each player crashed into the wall.

    We can always go ahead with our diabolical plan of platooning Nixon and Drew in right….whichever one isn’t injured, plays.

  3. Coley Ward says:

    Nick, you forgot to mention that both J.D. and Trot are uber-Christians.

    But there is one important difference between J.D. and Trot: Trot is not a dick!

    Also, Trot wants to finish his career with the Sox, the only team he’s ever played for, while J.D. has consistently followed the money since the day he was drafted.

  4. Sarah Green says:

    Also, Trot has a lovely wife, Kathryn, who runs the Boston Marathon for charity.

  5. Can’t stand Barry. He’s bush league – he represents evrything that is wrong with baseball today.

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