B is for badabing, bitches!Sorry Coley, I just have to gloat. ESPN’s Page 2 has come out with an astounding report of direct, personal import for all of us here at UmpBump. UniWatch has ranked the best cities to live in according to “athletics aesthetics,” in other words, which cities have the best-dressed sports teams.

Clean lines.Boston, according to UniWatch, is far and away the fairest of them all, with my Red Sox getting a perfect score—and even an extra point for the gemlike bandbox that is Fenway Park. (Though, to be fair, just as the Pats were docked points for jettisoning Pat Patriot, the BoSox should be penalized for nixing their traditional, faintly ridiculous-yet-oh-so-charming striped socks with red stirrups.) Chicago is next, with Alejandro’s White Sox also getting top marks. And Nick’s hometown of LA is tied for fourth, with the Dodgers getting the highest possible rating.

Classy. But where oh where is Coley’s beloved Philly? As it turns out, Philadelphia, PA may have much more going for it than Pittsburgh, PA in many respects (cheesesteak, the Liberty Bell, a rudimentary local economy) but Pittsburgh beats out the city of brotherly love when it comes to the all-important matter of athletic apparel. The Pirates (and of course, the ever-dapper Steelers) help that city share the four slot with LA, while the Phillies’ snappy dress just isn’t enough to make up for the 76ers sartorial snafus—-thus Philly is tied for tenth, with Houston. And Coley’s adopted city of Atlanta comes out even worse: almost dead last, at 20th (thank you, Hawks).

Good, but apparently, not good enough.So, I’m sorry Coley. I know you think Red Sox fans are insufferably obnoxious Massholes. But it’s not elitism if you’re demonstrably better, according to measurable, numeric indices. This is just another nail in the coffin for other, non-Boston cities, whose residents just can’t admit that Bahston is the wickedest awesome city evah.

7 Responses to “As if we didn’t already know.”

  1. Of course, I have some objections.

    First and formost, I want to point out that this was a HIGHLY scientific study. I especially liked the way they decided to give Boston an extra point for Fenway, while only giving Chicago half a point for Wrigley, b/c Wrigley has too many day games.


    1. The Patriots have terrible unis.

    2. The White Sox have terrible unis. I just can’t get into the black/white sports teams (except the raiders, but they have more silver).

    3. The Vikings only got 1.5 stars? Really? The purple people eaters?

    4. The Sixers’ unis kill me. They’re terrible. Black? I mean, we’re a team that’s named after a year — the 1776ers. That’s already totally badass. We don’t need to pretend to be even tougher by adopting black unis. We should return to the Barkley era Sixers jerseys, complete with short shorts.

    As for the other Philly teams, the Phillies unis are good, but could be a tad more maroon, if you ask me. The Flyers remain one of the best hockey jerseys, while the Eagles have one of the best looks in sports. Period. And now that the Vet has been replaced by the very trendy, very cozy Shitizen Bank Park and Lincoln Financial Field, our stadiums even kick ass.

    Really, we’re just one Sixers uni change away from the top five.

    So there.

    E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!

  2. Sarah Green says:

    First and foremost, let me say that while the Patriots’ uniforms aren’t particularly breathtaking (not like the Bruins’ unis, which are truly spectacular…truly) they have avoided many of the pitfalls that other teams have, such as TEAL. Earlier, Coley, you pointed out that teams like the Diamondbacks used to be all, “Oh, let’s have teal uniforms! Everyone loves teal!” But now they are going back to some more normal colors. Now, Eagles teal isn’t like Diamondbacks teal (teal is much less annoying when not conjoined with purple…which I admit was my color scheme for all of fourth grade). But still, perhaps the Eagles would be well served by backing slowly away from the teal (since who wants to look even a little bit like 4th grade Sarah Green?) and returning to their days of true green. And speaking of purple, while the Vikings uniform of purple and yellow has a certain camp appeal, it’s just not, well, badass. Alas.

  3. Are you kidding???!?!? The White Sox have HAD terrible unis, but the current version has, by far, the most compelling, we’ll-take-you-out ‘tude ever.

    Besides, it’s a perfect complement to that perpetual S-O-X logo, unchanged since eternity!!

    (On a side note, what’s with the period in the headline? I thought you were a copywriter?)

  4. Nick Kapur says:

    I’ve never considered the Eagles’ color to be “teal.” It’s much closer to a “forest green,” IMHO.

  5. Sarah Green says:

    Alejandro! I’m not a copywriter, I am a *columnist.* Besides, we put exclamation points and question marks in things, so why not the occasional period?

    Don’t start talking smack about punctuation with me, Leal. I just fixed the apostrophes in your Ball Girl post! Snap!

  6. Coley Ward says:

    Nick, as usual, you are the voice of reason to Sarah’s manic, illogical hormonefest. It’s “MIDNIGHT GREEN,” Green!

    Also, had ESPN taken into account these unis, which were designed by Vera Wang herself, we surely would have won.

  7. Alejandro says:

    Well serves you well to be a pundit, Green, you totally overlooked the fact that WHIMP is spelled with an H!!!!

    The damn thing sat there for days calling ball girls “weakly interacting massive particles.”

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