Sorry Coley, I just have to gloat. ESPN’s Page 2 has come out with an astounding report of direct, personal import for all of us here at UmpBump. UniWatch has ranked the best cities to live in according to “athletics aesthetics,” in other words, which cities have the best-dressed sports teams.
Boston, according to UniWatch, is far and away the fairest of them all, with my Red Sox getting a perfect score—and even an extra point for the gemlike bandbox that is Fenway Park. (Though, to be fair, just as the Pats were docked points for jettisoning Pat Patriot, the BoSox should be penalized for nixing their traditional, faintly ridiculous-yet-oh-so-charming striped socks with red stirrups.) Chicago is next, with Alejandro’s White Sox also getting top marks. And Nick’s hometown of LA is tied for fourth, with the Dodgers getting the highest possible rating.
But where oh where is Coley’s beloved Philly? As it turns out, Philadelphia, PA may have much more going for it than Pittsburgh, PA in many respects (cheesesteak, the Liberty Bell, a rudimentary local economy) but Pittsburgh beats out the city of brotherly love when it comes to the all-important matter of athletic apparel. The Pirates (and of course, the ever-dapper Steelers) help that city share the four slot with LA, while the Phillies’ snappy dress just isn’t enough to make up for the 76ers sartorial snafus—-thus Philly is tied for tenth, with Houston. And Coley’s adopted city of Atlanta comes out even worse: almost dead last, at 20th (thank you, Hawks).
So, I’m sorry Coley. I know you think Red Sox fans are insufferably obnoxious Massholes. But it’s not elitism if you’re demonstrably better, according to measurable, numeric indices. This is just another nail in the coffin for other, non-Boston cities, whose residents just can’t admit that Bahston is the wickedest awesome city evah.