So last year, when his White Sox where amidst a floor-busting free-fall of a slump, Ozzie Guillen decided it was appropriate to call the Twins’ infield “little piranhas.”

The record stands as Guillen using the scaly (do they have scales?) term because he thought the Twinkies players had a never-say-die attitude; I guess it was supposed to be a compliment.

What I don’t see is how a piranha refuses to die?

That’s why I think the more common interpretation on Ozzie’s piranha simile would be something like this: in frustration because his own underachieving squad couldn’t put a decent run of ball games together, and the Twins, with a decidedly less-talented infield (and much shorter in height) continued to win, he compared them to a school of pesky piranhas, barraging you once you fall into their river basin and shredding your hopes of making the playoffs again, even though you know they’re just pests, and no matter how many times they make it to the playoffs, they’re not going any further than the ALDS.

Well, the Twins’ front office took it to heart, from the Daily Herald:

The Twins this week released a television advertisement they’re calling — not surprisingly — “Little Piranhas” in which shortstop Jason Bartlett and third baseman Nick Punto star as the piranhas.

The video clip, which can be viewed at www.twins.mlb.com, begins with a father and daughter walking through an aquarium checking out different species of sea life. At each stop, she asks, “What’s that?”

When they get to Punto and Bartlett swimming near some coral in their baseball uniforms, she asks, “What are those?”

Her dad replies simply, “Those are piranhas.”

“Cool,” she says.

The spot ends with buckets of baseballs being dumped into the tank at feeding time, followed by the slogan “This is piranha territory.”

I wonder what happens when you dump a piranha in salt water?

This week’s Metro column, in which I turn drama critic.

It’s getting harder and harder to distinguish baseball from cricket.

According to the Neward Star-Ledger, the new beverage of choice in the Yankees’ clubhouse is not Gatorade. It’s not pickle juice. It’s tea – and especially green tea.

From the Star-Ledger:

You can set your watch by Ron Villone’s morning ritual.

The Yankees reliever comes off the field, iPod headphones still in, clothes damp with sweat. He takes a carafe filled with some dark, shriveled-up leaves into the player’s lounge, and fills it with hot water. Five minutes later, Villone strains out the water through the bottom of the pot. He adds a little honey, and takes a slow sip.

…

“My best friend is monkey oolong,” says Villone, a native of Bergenfield.

That would be “Monkey Picked Oolong Oolong” tea, the origin of which the 37-year-old pitcher is happy to explain.

“Thousands of years ago, monkeys picked the tea leaves from the top of the tree,” he says as his morning cup steeps. “Monks taught them to do that. I guess it’s a lost art because they don’t need the monkeys to do that any longer.”

I’m all for eating, drinking and living healthy. The Phillies players recently volunteered to remove all Pop Tarts, Tasty Kakes and other artificial snacks from their clubhouse. The Devil Rays are doing yoga. And more power to them. But tea just seems like such an odd choice. I wonder why the Yankee players have suddenly turned to tea?

The Yankees don’t need help from monkeys to get their tea fix these days. They have manager Joe Torre, who drinks pints of green tea each day and is a spokesman for Bigelow Green Tea.

In his office at Legends Field in Tampa are three boxes of decaf lemon green tea and the players’ lounge is always stocked with green tea bags.

A clubhouse assistant brings him a steaming cup of tea every morning, which he carries in hand as he wanders the field inspecting players.

Ooooooooooooooh. I see now. The boss says drink tea, so the players drink tea. Makes sense. And hey, why not? I mean, look at young and spry Joe Torre! You can’t argue with results. I think I’m going to go buy myself a barrel of green tea. The monkey kind, of course.

The Baseball Hall of Fame Veterans Committee used to be a bastion of old-boyism, gleefully electing their friends into the Hall while snubbing more deserving candidates they didn’t get along with.  After several years of this, the committee had elected so many undeserving candidates that baseball finally had to step in and make the rules a lot more stringent.

But now the Committee is going in the opposite direction, from electing too many people to electing none.  Denied the ability to shoo in their old pals, the vets seem bound and determined to make sure nobody at all gets in.

If you ask me, the problem is the whole idea of letting the “Veterans” (ie living HOF members) choose.  Just because you are in the Hall of Fame yourself doesn’t mean you necessarily have any idea who deserves to be in the Hall.  Back when the committee had a license to put in anyone they wanted, they overwhelmingly chose people they knew personally or had seen play, because man, remember that one time he hit that one home run? That was awesome!

The Baseball Writers Association of America, for all the criticism it gets, has been far, far more judicious and fair in its selections.

Three perennial HOF snubs stand out as being especially worthy:

First is Ron Santo, who just about everyone thinks should be in, except for the Vets. The face and co-captain of the Cubs along with Ernie Banks in the 1960s, Santo is probably one of the three or four most beloved Cubs ever.  Oh yeah, and he was also a 9-time All Star, twice led the National League in on-base-percentage, and won 5 gold gloves at third base.  Santo fell just 5 votes short this year, so he is likely to get in next time, but at age 67, with his body ravaged by type-1 diabetes, and already on two prosthetic legs, we can only hope he can make it two more years until the Committee votes again.

Next on my list is Gil Hodges. One of the core members of the mighty “Boys of Summer” Brooklyn Dodgers dynasty, the soft-spoken Hodges was the beloved first baseman and cleanup hitter of a Dodgers squad that went to 7 World Series in a 13 season stretch.  More than any other player, Hodges defined that team – his first full year in 1947 marked their first trip to the World Series, and his last full season in 1959 marked their last World Series. In the intervening years, Hodges had 7 seasons in a row in which he banged out at least 100 RBI, and 11 seasons in a row in which he hit at least 22 homers, including two seasons over 40.  Although Hodges’ career numbers are sometimes seen as falling short, he did lose 4 prime years to service in the Marines in World War II, and he also deserves commemoration for his role as the manager of the 1969 “Miracle” Mets.

Finally, there is Maury Wills, who is so well-known for skills as one of the greatest leadoff batters of all time, that most people I’ve ever talked to about him assume he must already be in the Hall of Fame.  The speedy shortstop for a Dodgers team that went to 3 World Series in the 1960s, Wills single handedly reinvented the stolen base as a weapon that could win games, pennants, and World Series.  His 104 stolen bases in 1962 shattered Ty Cobb’s decades-old Major League record of 96, and earned Wills an MVP award. So forgotten was the stolen base, that the runner-up that year was Wills’ teammate Tommy Davis, who only swiped 32! Wills was also a master bunter, one of the greatest of all time, who was so feared that opposing teams would water the dirt around home plate and first base to the consistency of mud whenever the Dodgers came to town, in a futile attempt to slow his legendary first step. Another lasting impact Wills had on the game was his revolutionary way of leading off second base, toward the outfield rather than directly toward third. This not only allowed him to round third and score faster, but let him get back more quickly to second on a pickoff. The lead is now used by all baseball players everywhere. On a pitching-rich, hitting-poor Dodgers squad, a Wills run was often the difference in a 1-0 victory for Sandy Koufax or Don Drysdale. 

Word on the street is that the Rangers are negotiating a contract extention with star 2B Michael Young. It’s a big, long-term deal. The kind of package that should keep Young in a Rangers uniform pretty much up to the day he retires.

That’s great news for Young, of course. And great news for Rangers fans. But for Mark Teixeira, it’s a little bittersweet.

As Dallas Morning News columnist Jean Jacques-Taylor points out, Young’s deal almost certainly means Teixeira won’t be getting a similar long-term contract. From the DMN:

When you’re talking about baseball economics, unless you cheer for the Yankees or Mets, the Red Sox or, I suppose, the Cubs, you must always choose between this great player or that great player. The game’s economics dictates that your favorite team can’t have both.

While it’s great that Tom Hicks has given Jon Daniels permission to negotiate a lucrative long-term extension with Young, who certainly deserves it, deep down you know it means two years from now, Mark Teixeira will leave through free agency.

Taylor is pissed that the Rangers probably won’t find a way to keep Tiexiera. But, let’s be honest: Teixeira’s agent probably isn’t pushing for an extention. Because Teixeira’s agent is none other than Scott Boras, and he doesn’t believe in extentions.

Boras is famous for advising his clients to test free agency as often as possible. That’s why he got J.D. Drew to opt out of his three year, $33 million deal with the Dodgers. It’s why people think A-Rod will opt out of his deal before it ends. And it’s why Teixeira isn’t going to sign an extention with the Rangers.

Besides, if I were the Rangers, I don’t think I’d be jumping at the chance to pay Teixeira big bucks. That guy killed my fantasy season last year. Teixeira is too young to be regressing, but he hit 34 fewer RBIs last year than the previous season, as well as 10 fewer HRs. His batting average dropped 19 points, from .301 to .282.

“Hey boss, I did decidely worse at my job this year compared to last. Now let’s talk about a raise.”

This is part of a series of posts in which we call out all 30 teams for their wily offseason moves and tragic offseason blunders.

Listening to what D’Backs manager Bob Melvin had to say after the Randy Johnson trade, you’d think his team just pulled a Flordia Marlins or a New York Yankees and signed a bunch of underachieving, overpaid free-agent veterans, so they can win now.

“Being a manager, I’m looking to win and I’m looking to win now.”

But if you look closely, the Diamondbacks purged themselves of expiring veterans in order to allow their upcoming young’uns room to develop. (To top it all off, they decided to ditch the purple, teal and copper in their uniforms for a more desert-friendly Sonoran sand and Sedona red).

Gone is cult-hero Luis Gonzalez to make room for two promising outfielders, Chris Young and Carlos Quentin. With Quentin’s flashy leather, he’ll take over center field, while local spaz Eric Byrnes shifts to left field.

Out is Craig Counsell at short in favor of Stephen Drew.

Same story behind the plate; while Johnny Estrada wasn’t necessarily archaic, the Diamondbacks had enough confidence in Chris Snyder to trade Estrada (along with Claudio Vargas and Greg Aquino) to the Brewers for pitching.

And Snyder has certainly proven he can be the starting catcher for manager Melvin. His average jumped from .202 in 2005 to .277 in 2006, and he hit the same number of home runs in almost half as many ABs.

Snyder’s not a superstar, though, that’s why Melvin and GM Byrnes decided to give the even younger Miguel Montero, who’ll have his first full season this year, significant playing time.

Youth seems to be the keyword for these Diamondbacks; except, of course, in their rotation. Along with Johnson, Doug Davis (31) was acquired in the Milwaukee deal, and both join Livan “One more inning, skip” Hernandez (32). Then again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, the D’backs rotation has room to brag, they are the only team in the majors to have four – yes, cuatro – starters that pitched opening day for their former teams last year: Davis in Milwaukee, Johnson in New York, Hernandez for the Nats, and reigning Cy Young winner, Brandon Webb at home in the desert.

These four horses (200+ IP each) make a formidable front-line, giving Melvin the opportunity to let his minor-leaguers fight tooth and nail for that fifth spot.

But let’s not get carried away. The D’backs line-up was a tad above the mean in RBI, Runs, and team average (they ranked 7th), and a tad below in OPS (10th), SLG (9th) and home runs (13th). They’ll need a significant boost from their young bats in order to contend.

And let’s not forget the bullpen. Closer Jose Valverde spent some time in Triple A last year after his stuff went south. The D’backs acquired Jorge Julio from the Mets in the Shawn Green trade, and placed him in the closer’s role for a good part of 2006, but the team’s consensus is that Valverde will be on the mound come the 9th, and what happens then is a matter of how prepared he is.

Yes, they’re young; yes, they have the O-Dog at second and a promising shortstop, not to mention, promising outfielders, but these D’backs are one or two full seasons away from truly measuring up and contending for the NL West crown as previous generations of Snakes did.

Offseason grade: B-

Acquisitions: Randy Johsnon, Doug Davis, Dana Eveland, Dave Krynzel.

Losses: Miguel Batista, Craig Counsell, Damion Easley, Luis Gonzalez, Johnny Estrada, Claudio Vargas, Greg Aquino, Luis Vizcaino.

Projected lineup, rotation and closer:

LF Eric Byrnes – .267 / .313 / .482, 79 RBI

2B Orlando Hudson – .287 / .354 /.454, 67 RBI

3B Chad Tracy – .281 / .343 / .451, 80 RBI

1B Connor Jackson – .291 / .368 / .441, 79 RBI

SS Stephen Drew – .316 / .357 / .517

C Chris Snyder – .277 / .349 / .424

RF Carlos Quentin – .253 / .342 / .530

CF Chris B. Young – .243 / .308 / .386

RHP Brandon Webb – 16-8, 3.10

LHP Randy Johnson – 17-11, 5.00

RHP Livan Hernández – 13-13, 4.83

LHP Doug Davis – 11-11, 4.91

RHP Enrique González – 3-7, 5.67

CL Jose Valverde – 18 SV, 5.84

- Hot Offseason Action Index -

This is part of a series of posts in which we call out all 30 teams for their wily offseason moves and tragic offseason blunders.

The Devil Rays made many changes this offseason. First off, they changed their name (to take effect in 2008) — soon they’ll be Just Plain Rays, thankyouverymuch. (No word on whether pressure from the Christian right contingent in Florida had anything to do with it. Nevertheless, I think we can all agree that “Tampa Bay Rays” is vastly superior.)

The [pause] Rays also added yoga to their Spring Training regimen. And they redid the turf in the Trop, making it a bit slower. It’s the same as those football turfs that have a surface like blades of grass, though the Rays are the first baseball team to use it. And now, without further ado, the roster moves:

The big acquisition for the [silence] Rays is a new Japanese third baseman, Akinori Iwamura. You will be forgiven for not hearing about this sooner, because Aki, as he is known, went to the [ahem] Rays and not to, say, the Yankees or the Red Sox, and he’s not the best or second-best pitcher in the home country. Nevertheless, he is a .300 hitter who is expected to hit 20 HR and knock in about 60 or more RBI. He’s also made a bit of news for himself by having his own stylish BP bat, shown above, with “no pain, no gain” stenciled on it in Japanese. Seems like someone’s trying to make up for lost publicity…and seems like it’s working, too:

He also wore a pair of Oakley sunglasses with mp3 earbuds. The name “Aki” and his No. 1 were stitched across the chest of his Nike warmup shirt. Even his black socks had No. 1 on them. He took grounders with a black glove with green stringing and, as he promised, a piece of alligator skin in the webbing.

But aside from the name, the yoga, the turf, and the Aki, it’s la plus ca change la plus c’est la meme chose for the [sound of wind blowing] Rays, who are still young, cheap, and likely to finish at the bottom of the AL East. Last year, they scored the fewest runs of any MLB team, and their pitching and defense were similarly wretched. Not exactly a recipe for success.

The one area where the [tumbleweed blowing by] Rays actually look like a decent, professional ballclub is the outfield. Carl Crawford, their leftfielder, has been steadily improving at the plate every year, to the point where he hit .305 last season and knocked in 77 runs, also contributing a respectable 18 homers. Oh, and his range factor was the best of any leftfielder in the AL. Not too shabby, Carl. As for the centerfielder, Rocco Baldelli is another steadily imrpoving .300 hitter who’s pretty solid on defense and can occasionally hit for power. (Also, he has to have one of the best names of any active player. “Now batting…the centerfielder…Rocco Ballllldelli!” That’s hot.) Delmon Young, the rightfielder, only got in 30 games last year (his first in the majors) but managed to hit .317 with 9 doubles, 3 homers, and a total of 40 hits. Not too shabby. You can see why [yippee tai yai yo, git along little dogies] Rays’ fans are excited to see more of him. All four of them, that is. And outfielder/DH Jonny Gomes showed up to camp looking and feeling better than he has in years; so good, in fact, that some of his teammates didn’t recognize him. This may complicate things for young Delmon, since Gomes was going to be stuck DHing and at first if his shoulder was still icky.

The infield, aside from Aki, is rather boring. The only offseason action of note was utility man Ty Wigginton delivering his own baby, as his wife suddenly went into labor in the master bedroom closet. Word on the street is that this season, Wiggy may get some more time at first, while B.J. Upton will become a sort of super-utility man, a la Chone Figgins of the Angels. Ben Zobrist, who took over from Joey Gathright at short last season, has no offense to speak of, and neither does catcher Dioner Navarro. And second baseman Jorge Cantu, unlike the outfielders on the team, has been steadily getting worse–though he came up in 2004 hitting .300, he has since slid down to the .250 range. Team defense may—may—improve this year with the slower turf.

As for their pitching this year, the [crickets, crickets] Rays’ rotation is hardly jaw-dropping. However, they have a bit of a bottleneck for their fifth slot, and recently acquired South Korean pitcher Jae Kuk Ryu from the Cubs for two minor leaguers. (Yes, the guy who once killed a bird with a baseball.) They will at least have a decent shot at winning one game of every five thanks to the rocket arm of staff ace Scott Kazmir. The rest of the rotation? Basically a bunch of guys you’ve either never heard of, or you say to yourself, “Oh yeah, we had that guy a couple years ago. He wasn’t….terrible.” And the bullpen? What bullpen? Honestly, the [house creaking] Rays would be better off converting it to a ballpit or a strip club or a roller rink—anything that would get them some attendance. One stat I found said that the Rays were ahead in 121 games last year, but managed to squander the lead and lose 60 times. Ouch.

Poor, poor benighted [howl of lone wolf baying at moon] Rays. They are truly the 3rd-world country of the American League—improvement is always just around the corner, never actually arriving.

Losses: Travis Harper, Travis Lee, Tyler Walker, Brian Meadows, Damon Hollis

Acquisitions: Akinora Iwamura, Al Reyes, Stephan Andrade, Tony Peguero, Dustan Mohr, Hee-Sop Choi, Jorge Velandia, Bredan Harris, Gary Glover, Jason Grabowski (don’t “Grabowski” and “Glover” sound like good fielders’ names?), Yamid Haad, Scott Dohmann., Jae Kuk Ryu.

Projected Rotation, Lineup, and Closer:

CF Baldelli (.302, OBP .339)

RF Young (.317)

3B Iwamura (projected .300, 20 HR, 60 RBI)

LF Crawford (.305, .348 OBP, 18 HR 77 RBI)

1B Wigginton (.275, .330 OBP, 24 HR, 79 RBI)

DH Gomes (.216, .325 OBP, 20 HR, 59 RBI)

2B Cantu (.249, 62 RBI)

C Navarro (.254)

SS Zobrist (.224)

Scott Kazmir (RHP, 3.27, 10-8 last year with a WHIP of 1.27) to be followed by any combination of the following spare parts: Jae Seo, Casey Fossum, Tim Corcoran, Jamie Shields, Brian Stokes, Jason Hammel, Jeff Nieman. A closer is the least of their worries, alas.

Grade: C+

- Hot Offseason Action Index -

Curt Schilling plans on pitching in 2008, he just doesn’t know where. But there’s one thing he’s sure of: he won’t pull a Johnny Damon and sign with the Yankees.

Mariano Rivera is going to pitch next year and he wants to stay with the Yankees. For now, though, all he knows is he won’t pitch for the Red Sox.

It seems Yankees and Red Sox players are tripping over themselves in their eagerness to negotiate new contracts. None of them are above threatening to leave their respective teams, but all of them can agree: signing with the enemy is a no-no.

Which brings us back to Johnny “Judas” Damon. It seems everyone’s in agreement: Damon is an idiot. His teammates defend him, but then confess that they could never do what he did.

So what does Damon think? He still can’t believe the Sox didn’t pony up. From the New York Daily News:

“I knew they had the money back when they were negotiating with me; they just took their stance,” Damon said. “I was probably the only guy who never begged them to sign me.”

…

“They had a chance for a month and a half after the season, but when they don’t talk to you or offer you a contract in that time, it tells you they don’t want you,” Damon said. “That’s fine with me. I wasn’t going to be in a situation where they didn’t want me. I think they just looked at it as, ‘Johnny loves it here.’ It was great, but this suits me a lot better. I’m a happier person because of it.

For such a happy person, Damon sure does sound bitter, doesn’t he?