Daisuke Matsuzaka doesn’t sleep. He waits.

Daisuke Matsuzaka is the greatest pitcher in the history of the universe. No one disputes it. He even invented a special pitch where he sprinkles magic dust on the ball before he throws it. Not even Matsuzaka knows where this pitch will go, but he knows you will not hit it.

That Matsuzaka is the world’s most feared pitcher is old news. But did you know that Matsuzaka is not only a great pitcher, but he is a feared batter as well? The Dodgers know it, that’s for sure. From the LA Times:

Kuo, who gave up long home runs to Wily Mo Pena, Jason Varitek and Eric Hinske, had trouble spotting his fastball, even walking Daisuke Matsuzaka despite the fact that Matsuzaka stood against the back line of the batter’s box and was under orders not to swing.

That’s right. Matsuzaka is such a great hitter that he doesn’t even need to swing to get on base. Even when he makes it perfectly clear that he has no intention to swing the bat, opposing pitchers are still afraid to pitch to him.

Matsuzaka, who deigned to speak to reporters after the game, sounded unsurprised about getting on base (and why should he be?). From Boston.com:

“When I went out on base, my only thought was it would be great if I can make it home,” Matsuzaka said through an interpreter. “And I did.”

Of course he did. (Interestingly, before he got married, Matsuzaka used that same stock line to answer reporters’ questions about his love life).

After Matsuzaka drew his walk, he jogged to first base. Kuo immediately looked away, since the last man who looked Matsuzaka directly in the eyes turned to stone.

I think we have established, beyond any reasonable doubt, that Matsuzaka is the most intimidating athlete since Jesus. If you disagree, please leave a comment. But be warned that Matsuzaka, who invented the internet, will hear you typing and will reach through your computer and crush your skull.