The ChiSox can’t catch a break. Last year, their starters were giving up runs and leads in horrendous choking pattern towards the latter part of the season. Whereas they proved monumental in achieving World Series glory in ’05, they were quickly burried in a huge pile of ERA.Enter 2007; a team whose rotation was again faltering in Spring Training was only hoping that its potent offense would again pick up the slack. Nope, not the case, this time around, the bats have been pretty mild; yes, they’ve hit a lot of home runs, but they can’t hit a double to the gap or down the line if their razor burn depended on it.
But the rotation; oh those studs that were once thought to be able to win the horse racing triple crown, they’ve regained form, even as far as producing the ever-elusive no-hitter. Even young rook John Danks has had a stellar impact on the team, too bad his offense cannot score any runs, thus earning him a 0-4 record.
What can be attributed to this resurgence in pitching prowess? I’m gonna go out on a limb, and, inspired by my recent illumination as to the amazing art form that is UHF appreciation, I will say that these Sox can’t shave.
Now, not all five rotation guys have customized their bigotes, Javier Vazquez (right) has stayed with the clean cut, Steinbreiner look, and danks has a decent goatee, not much to see there (left).
But the other three, well, even Jon Garland, the SoCo native, whose only run-in with UFHness was a tiny soul patch visible in his 2007 mugshot (below left), is now trying to go for that 8-o’clock shadow (below right) . Hell, it’s working. He got his first win last Saturday.
Then there’s Jose “Count” Contreras. The former Yankee hurler and Fidel Castro’s Golden Titan, never even hinted at the possibility of running afoul with the UFH police, but we caught him. He’s been sporting the same circular goatee (below left) since game 1 and, though he gave up a 7-spot then, he’s rebounded with some decent outings since.
But, of course, there’s Mr. Missouri himself, Mark “hunt-them-down” Buehrle. Author of the first no-hitter this season, Buehrle has always been inclined to sport the road-kill beard, no matter how peach-fuzzy it seems from afar. Get up close, dude, and that sucker is thick.
Who knows, maybe the answer to the Sox limp offense is a few days sans le razor. They won’t miss it, their third Coach is none other than Anthony “Razor” Shines himself.