My friend Henry is a 26 year-old Jewish grad student and a favorite of mothers everywhere. This morning he posted this story on our fantasy baseball bulletin board. Now I’m sharing it with you. Enjoy.

Dear Everybody,

Last night I left work a little early to meet up with a few friends and head north to Nashua NH to take in a Nashua Pride game. The Pride are an independent league professional baseball afilliate comprised of washed up pros and a few youngsters trying to cut it…Oil Can was in the league last year…among others.

Anyway, I went with this crew to cheer on the starting pitcher, a buddy of mine named Jason Kosow. Jason was drafted by the Cubs a few year back. He pitched A ball got hurt and is now rehabbing. He has his fastball up to 92-93. Good shit.

So we all go to this game in NH. Tickets are free for us and it’s Dale Jr.’s race car night so we all receive complimentary #8 Pride Budweiser Hats. Decent. Also, beers are $3.45. Dangerously cheap for a baseball game.

The best part, however, is yet to come. Get this, the closer for the Pride?…. Rich Garces…Yup, El Guapo himself.

On to the game.

Jason pitches well. Throws a lot of pitches, but goes 5 strong with 6 K’s, 1 run earned blah blah blah.

After 6 or so beers my friends and I make it over to the Pride bullpen. Unfortunately by the 8th inning the Pride are down, so no El Guapo. But he is still around the pen, looming large, real large. He’s listed at 6 ft. 250 lbs. But, I’d say 5′ 11” and 280.

I digress…I know I have to say something to my mid-reliever hero of the 90’s…but what do I say?

[Occasional Umpbump poster Zvee] Geffen already stole my line once at St. Patrick’s day when we ran into George Killian, but a “thanks for making our St. Patty’s Day so memorable” really wouldn’t make sense at this pivitol moment…

So, two of my buddies - Dave and Dan - walk over to Guapo with our Dale Jr. Hats and a black pen. El Guapo is chillin over in right field, practically on the foul line, stretching. Kinda funny.

We call him over and start chatting him up. My conversation went something like this:

Henry: Hey man, so when are we going to see you around Fenway again?

Guapo: You know man, I’m just going to take one day at time man, one day at a time…

Henry: (after a brief pause) Can we email you?

Guapo stops signing my buddy Dave’s hat as the word “email” rolls off my tounge. He kinda looks at me funny as I realized my mistake. What I meant to say was “can we email the Sox org. to get you back on the field?”

Shit…I f-ed up, classic Henry style.

I tried to chat my way out of it with El Guapo, even threw an F-bomb in the mix…but I think the damage was done. He thought I was a real f-ing weirdo.

Walking back to my spot along the bull pen, autographed cap in hand, my friends start to rail at me… Tears are streaming down my buddy Dave’s face as he tried to imitate the way I asked for Guapo’s email?
I laughed along, still embarrassed.
But the fun was only beginning.

As my drunk ass-hole friends yucked it up, a few kids were running around us playing with ‘Stiches’ the Pride mascot. Two of them overheard my friends jeering me and mistook us for a bunch of drunk shitheads making fun of El Guapo.

Well, it turns out these two little girls were Guapo’s daughters. They proceded to run over to their mother/friends to complain about us.

A friend of the Garces family approached and informed us that Mrs. Garces was right over there and could hear everything…

Feeling like an absolute jerk over the confusion, I gathered myself, slammed my beer and walked over to Mrs. Garces.

For the next 45 minutes, using my B/B- Spanish I talked my/our way out of the awkward situation. Truthfully, I remember very little of our conversation, but I know I hit it off really well and made peace. I met Guapo’s entire family, including one of his “older” nieces whom they wanted me to meet.

Long story short, all is well in the Garces family. He is an awesome dude and his wife is an absolute delight. They asked if I was from a Spanish speaking country. When I told them “no, sorry.” One of Guapo’s daughters asked if I was Indian?

Weird.

In conclusion. Nashua was an awesome time. The beer - cheep. The baseball - decent, and the closer for the Pride, a legend. It’s worth a trip, or the very least a spot on UmpBump.

Your favorite Indian,

Henry

P.S. I checked my other fantasy baseball league this morning and three of the team names are now:
elguapo51@gmail.com
richgarces@aol.com
elguapo@hotmail.com

Righthander J.D. Durbin, who will start for the Phillies in Game 1 of tomorrow’s doubleheader against the New York Mets at Citizens Bank Park, gets around. And when I say he gets around, I mean the man gets around.

Durbin has been with four organizations this season. Take a look at his travel schedule, as reported by the Philadelphia Inquirer:

Late March - The Twins, who drafted him in the second round in 2000, designated him for assignment.

March 29 - The Diamondbacks claimed him off waivers.

April 4 - He allowed seven hits and seven runs in two-thirds of an inning against Colorado.

April 5 - Arizona designated him for assignment.

April 9 - The Red Sox claimed him off waivers.

April 10 - Durbin arrived at his Boston hotel at 1 a.m. only to learn he had no reservation. He checked into another hotel and fell asleep about 2 a.m. Durbin took a call at 9:30 a.m. to learn the Red Sox no longer needed him and he had been designated for assignment. “I never dressed [with the Sox],” Durbin said. “I went to the stadium, picked up my meal money, said hi to the guys and took off. It was a quick turnaround.”

April 13 - The Phillies claimed him off waivers.

April 16 - Durbin learned just hours after he took a physical in Clearwater, Fla., that he had been designated for assignment. He cleared waivers and the Phillies sent him to triple-A Ottawa, where he went 2-4 with a 4.55 ERA in 10 starts.

Now, Durbin will be starting against the Mets in what has become a crucial series for the Phils, who trail New York by 3.5 games. He says he’s too tired to worry:

“No pressure,” he said. “I’ve been through enough right now that there really isn’t any pressure on me. And I think that might help me out a little bit. It is what it is. I’ve been through it all, so I’m just going to go out there and throw the baseball.”

I’m sorry to break it to you, J.D. But if constant rejection and mediocre past performance were a recipe for success, Jose Mesa would be tinkering with his Cooperstown induction speech between innings.

All-Star Game fan voting is coming to a close. Tomorrow is the last day ballots will be counted. And the question on everyone’s minds is, should Barry Bonds be an all-star?

Pretty much everybody thinks so. Except, you know, a majority of the fans.

Take a look at what the media and some former players are saying:

Cal Ripken, Jr.: Yes, there’s a shadow that’s hanging over top of him. The commissioner and Hank Aaron are torn whether they should celebrate the breaking of the all-time home run record. But when I think of Barry, I think of him as an all-star player.

• Tony Gwynn: There has to be one guy from each team, and there’s no question, I think, he’s having the best year on that team.
• John Ames, Arizona Daily Star: The All-Star Game is a popularity contest, and Bonds is the game’s biggest draw. People love Bonds. Most love to boo him…. The All-Star Game this year will be played in Bonds’ home park. His biggest fans should not be denied a chance to see him there.
• Gene Wojciechowski: MLB rules say that each team has to have at least one All-Star representative. The Giants, who will finish dead last in the NL West, need somebody, so that somebody ought to be Mr. Martyr instead of the other two San Francisco candidates: catcher Bengie Molina and pitcher Matt Morris.

I understand where these pro-Bonds guys are coming from. It makes sense that as long as Bonds is allowed to play in regular season games, he should be allowed to play in the All-Star game. And it makes sense that as long as Bonds is the best player on the Giants, he should represent the team at the All-Star game.

But I can’t help it. Every time MLB heaps one more honor on Barry, I get a little sick to my stomach. The guy should have been banned long ago. Now, not only do we have to endure his pursuit of Hank Aaron’s home run record, but we have to give him a place at the All-Star game?

- Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that all celebrities should release solo music albums. And if your vocal chords can’t soar like Crockett or even Tubbs, do what Dice-K has done and rely on the guitarist from Extreme and the harmonica player from the J. Geils Band named Magic Dick. (NOTE: I have already gone to the webpage to eagerly purchase the item. What I found there was utter disappointment. The milk and honey were sour indeed.)

- The Philadelphia Inquirer’s Bob Ford and his alter-ego, Hans McNaysayer, stage an epic debate as to whether or not Brett Myers should be a starter. In the end, Hans was slain.

- And I believe we have found the winner of the 2007 “Most Offensive Headline” Award.

- Now we know why the Pirates have been so bad for so long. Why do those “fan” people have to keep coming to the games? I mean, come on.

- I’m sorry, Nationals fans. But your pennant hopes were tied to Christian Guzman’s wrist. And the wrist simply couldn’t bear the burden any longer. In a related story, the Texas man who wanted to be executed while laughing has found exactly the material to get this done – he will simply read the words “Christian Guzman” and “having an All Star season”.

- WARNING: This story may contain a lethal dose of Don Cheadle’s head.

Those daredevils over at ESPN tested out a new statistic during this weekend’s College World Series — win probability.

It’s actually not a new stat. It’s just new to baseball. Usually, you’ll see the win probability stat used in poker.

How does win probability work? In poker, it’s easy. There are 52 cards in a deck, so after the players receive their first two cards a computer (or a really smart MIT grad) calculates the odds of each player winning the hand.

In baseball, it’s a little more complicated. Or, at least, it must be. Actually, I’m not entirely sure how win probability works in baseball. Apparently, Orel Hersheiser explained it the other night, but I missed his explanation. I’m told it has something to do with how each team has fared against opponents with similar records in similar spots. Or something like that.

My problem with win probability, as applied to baseball, is that it doesn’t really tell me anything. In poker, win probability is an exact science. There are only so many cards in the deck and only so many combinations of cards will allow me to beat my opponents.

But in baseball, it’s a lot more wishy washy. There’s no way to say exactly how likely or unlikely it is that a team will come from behind to win. No way to factor in the blister that Josh Beckett has on his finger. No way to calculate that Ryan Howard is in the zone, or that Derek Jeter has got a case of the dropsies.

As a result, all the win probably stat does is assign a number to the notion that it’s unlikely that a team trailing 5-2 in the seventh inning will come back to win the game.

But we already knew that, didn’t we? We didn’t need the number.

It may seem opportunistic to inject Rod Beck’s name into the steroid debate, but as Philly Inquirer columnist Phil Sheridan points out, any time a 38 year-old former player with no known health problems dies, and that player’s nickname was “Shooter”, you can’t help but wonder.

From the Inquirer:

That is the reason Don Fehr and the players’ union treated the whole idea of mandatory drug testing and punishments as if it were a flock of West Nile mosquitoes. The short-term gain - more money - trumped any concern about long-term health risks to the players or to the game itself.

When Sammy Sosa hits his 600th home run . . .

As Barry Bonds closes in on Hank Aaron’s career home run record . . .

When a player from the height of the steroid era dies at age 38 . . .

You wonder what role syringes and creams and amphetamines played. You can’t help it. And that is bad for baseball. So far, it hasn’t been bad enough to threaten those escalating salaries, but that’s a gamble the players’ union was willing to take.

It’s important to point out that Beck never failed a drug test, nor did he tell Congress he couldn’t speak English. But then again, MLB wasn’t testing for steroids when Beck played, and Congress never subpoenaed him.

We do know that Beck spent some time in rehab towards the end of his career, so he was using something. But that something could be almost anything: alcohol, cocaine, pain killers, you name it (though probably not diet pills). And there’s no reason to think that Beck was still using whatever it was in 2007.

Something I found odd: When the AP story about Beck’s death first hit the web, the only player quoted was Barry Bonds. Why Bonds? Maybe the reporter just happened to be sitting next to the world’s most famous doper when he got the call about Beck’s death. Or maybe he/she simply said to himself/herself, “I need a quote from one of Beck’s former teammates. Who’s the most media-friendly guy I can think of ?” I think quoting Bonds was the reporter’s way of hinting at a steroids connection. But then again, I’m a conspiracy theorist at heart.

I’ll be curious to see what Beck’s autopsy reveals, if anything. Frankly, I’m hoping we discover Beck was on steroids. Because I don’t think the MLB players union will be forced to take performance enhancers seriously until we can show that steroids contributed to the untimely death of an athlete.

Bobby Cox tied the record for most all-time ejections on Sunday. He said it was embarrassing.

Chipper Jones and John Smoltz got into a public spat this weekend over whether or not Jones was nursing his wounds. The two veteran players said they were embarrassed their argument got played out in the media.

Today, Atlanta Journal-Constitution writer Jeff Schultz says the Braves should be embarrassed, but not over Cox’s record, or Jones’ and Smoltz’s fight:

Fact is, the Braves have several reasons to be embarrassed. But look on the field, look in the standings. This should be way down the list.

Schultz is referring to the fact that the Braves are 3-7 in their last ten games. They have lost five in a row and have scored one run in those five games. One. Stinking. Run.

Who could have predicted that the Braves’ offense would be this bad? Umpbump could have — and did. Harken back to January, when we said:

If the Braves are going to score any runs, they will need Edgar Renteria to once again defy father time, Chipper Jones to stay healthy, Andruw Jones to have a huge contract year and Jeff Francouer to finally become the all-star they believe he is.

Don’t hold your breath.

Remember, Umpbumper Nick was particularly critical of the Braves for trading 1B Adam LaRoche for Pirates reliever Mike Gonzalez:

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why the Braves made this LaRoache-Gonzalez trade. How can you trade a player who OPS’d over 1.000 for a relief pitcher? They must have really been fed up with his ADD or something. What a terrible trade.

In retrospect, of course, Nick looks like a genius. Mike Gonzalez is out for the season. And even if he were healthy,  he wouldn’t help solve the Braves’ offensive woes.

True, LaRoche has been a disappointment for Pittsburgh this year, but just about every player who leaves the Braves struggles the next season (see J.D. Drew, Kevin Millwood, Greg Maddux, etc.). He’ll bounce back.
Regardless of LaRoche’s 2007 struggles, you don’t trade a proven hitter for a relief pitcher. Ever. Especially when that reliever is pegged to be a set-up guy. Especially, when your team is short on sluggers. Any half-decent fantasy GM knows that.

So what was Scheurholz thinking?

Maybe Nick was right. Maybe, minus Leo Mazzone, the Braves just aren’t that good. Maybe Scheurholz really is “one of the least creative GMs in the game, and now that Leo is gone he is getting exposed for the fraud that he is.”

All I know is Bobby Cox is on the verge of retirement. Andruw Jones is hitting below the Mendoza line. Chipper and Smoltz are sniping at each other in the press. And everyday the Braves’ era of good feelings seems more and more like a distant memory.

The Braves finally scored a run. They’d been shut out their last three games, but today in the bottom of the fourth inning, Chipper Jones hit a solo home run off of Justin Verlander to cut the Tigers’ lead to 2-1.

The homer was surprising because Chipper wasn’t even supposed to play today. Bobby Cox had even hinted that Chipper might be going back on the DL. But Chipper said he felt pressured to play. From the AJC:

When asked if he is rushing his return, Jones said: “Probably. But I feel a little backed into a corner.”

Asked to elaborate, Jones indicated some doubted he was injured enough to miss games.

“Let’s just say there are people who don’t believe me,” Jones said. “Let’s just say that and leave it at that.”

Who was pressuring Chipper? Maybe John Smoltz, who had this to say after Friday night’s loss:

“You can’t worry about who’s in the lineup and who isn’t. You can’t worry about that stuff anymore.”Added Smoltz: “I certainly appreciate the effort of the guys who are on the field busting it.”

Jeez, John. Relax! Chipper’s doing his best.

Chipper looked pretty good hitting his home run. But on the pitch before he nearly fell to the ground in pain after hitting a foul ball. No doubt Chipper is feeling some discomfort with every swing. And fielding can’t be a picnic either.

I’m guessing Chipper’s probably gonna need a beer after this one is over. Lucky for him his favorite restaurant has several locations in Atlanta AND they’re trying harder than ever to cater to the whole family, so Chippy can bring the wife and kids with him.

I went to The Ted tonight to see the Braves take on the Tigers. It was a pitchers’ duel. Kenny Rogers and John Smoltz. Rogers was making his first start of the season after a long stint on the DL. Among the highlights:

• John Smoltz became the Braves all-time strikeout leader. He passed Phil Neikro.
• Andruw Jones saw his average dip below the Mendoza line. Ouch.
• At one point late in the game, the scorekeeper actually lowered Kelly Johnson’s average (which was displayed on the BravesVision screen) one point — in the middle of an at bat! When Johnson came to the plate he was hitting .279, but after he took his second strike the scorekeeper dropped it to .278. Turned out the scorekeeper knew something we didn’t (but probably could have guessed). Johnson didn’t reach base.
• The Braves were shutout for the third game in a row.
• Attendance for the game was 44,000. Not bad. Think it had anything to do with the fact that it was “Fireworks Friday”? (answer: absolutely)
• Bobby Cox came out to argue a call after the umpire called Magglio Ordonez safe on a play at the plate. If Cox had been thrown out he would have set the record for most ejections of all time. But he kept his cool. I’m guessing he didn’t want to steal Smoltz’s thunder.
• Andruw Jones unveiled a new chinstrap beard. I will absolutely make it my mission to find a photo of this and blog about it further.