Just... Stay down, man. A startling blow was dealt to the “greenies” industry today as it was revealed that Detroit Tigers utility-man extraordinaire, Neifi Perez, has become the first player to be suspended for illegal stimulants under MLB’s new drug-testing program. Perez has admitted wrong doing and will begin serving the 25-game suspension immediately.

In an Umpbump exclusive, it was discovered that Perez received his supply of greenies from a little-known, yet deeeeeeeevious corporation called Ampheta-Dream Inc. When reached for comment, the company’s CEO, Olaf Nottarealperson, remarked, “This is a terrible day for Ampheta-Dream and our imaginary shareholders. Had we known that Neifi Perez – he of the .486 OPS – was one of our customers, we would have ceased his supply immediately. I mean, we want to show that our product WORKS. To have such a crappy player with such little abilities be our unofficial spokesman is a terrible disservice to us.”

After then sobbing for over four minutes, Mr. Nottarealperson continued, “Please trust me. It really does work. It’s just that… Neifi is terrible. He’s really that bad… I’m not sure if our company can survive this.”

Following this news, his former manager with the Cubs, Lou Pinella, has demanded that Jim Hendry pursue Perez’s services because he is a “winner”.

No Responses to “Neifi Perez was cheating! No, really. He was.”

  1. Paul Moro says:

    One recent study of baseball numbers I’ve read actually breaks down each element of the game into a “run value”. It has compiled data over the past ten years and calculated how much value each “act” (such as stolen base, ground out, double) has (or rather, is expected to have) on the scoreboard.

    The study also looks at “Win Expectancy”, which seems like it’s close to what ESPN has done. “Win Expectancy” takes two teams of fairly equal talent and breaks down every possible situation in a game (2 down, 1 on, top of the fifth, and so on) and calculates how likey either team is to win from this point forth.

    But as you point out, Win Expectancy pretty much states the obvious. But I do find it interesting to see how likely or unlikely comebacks are.

  2. JojoFireball says:

    As a 4 year college baseball player and now a college assistant coach, and avid poker tournament player I thought the win probability was maybe the most far reaching ridiculous stat I’d ever seen…

    With college baseball players, and bullpens who can’t throw strikes, and aluminum bats and umpires in Omaha who feed off the crowd (if you watch you’ll see they do) there are so many other factors that figure in to win probability. Nobody knows when a 7 run inning is coming and in college baseball they happen ALOT.

    In pro ball the stat could be more useful if you’re into stuff like that because things play out like they’re supposed more often in pro ball. The College World Series is like the wild west. Gun slinging excitement. Putting the constraints of probability on that atmosphere doesn’t do it justice. I’m just one guy though…

  3. Paul Moro says:

    Oh, forgot to mention that part – Win Probability, as it is used in CWS, is meaningless. Even Win Expectancy assumes that the two teams involved are of equal strength which is hardly the case. It doesn’t (and shouldn’t) lend itself to a live telecast the way it’s used in poker. There are far too many variables. In poker, you have far more limited outcomes that are preordained that are far more compatible with absolute mathematics.

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