A startling blow was dealt to the “greenies” industry today as it was revealed that Detroit Tigers utility-man extraordinaire, Neifi Perez, has become the first player to be suspended for illegal stimulants under MLB’s new drug-testing program. Perez has admitted wrong doing and will begin serving the 25-game suspension immediately.
In an Umpbump exclusive, it was discovered that Perez received his supply of greenies from a little-known, yet deeeeeeeevious corporation called Ampheta-Dream Inc. When reached for comment, the company’s CEO, Olaf Nottarealperson, remarked, “This is a terrible day for Ampheta-Dream and our imaginary shareholders. Had we known that Neifi Perez – he of the .486 OPS – was one of our customers, we would have ceased his supply immediately. I mean, we want to show that our product WORKS. To have such a crappy player with such little abilities be our unofficial spokesman is a terrible disservice to us.”
After then sobbing for over four minutes, Mr. Nottarealperson continued, “Please trust me. It really does work. It’s just that… Neifi is terrible. He’s really that bad… I’m not sure if our company can survive this.”
Following this news, his former manager with the Cubs, Lou Pinella, has demanded that Jim Hendry pursue Perez’s services because he is a “winner”.