During yesterday’s Red Sox-Mariners game, we became witnesses to history.

It was the first time ever that a man named after a breakfast cereal was run over by a moose on an ATV.

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/uZmB56yZT6U" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

As the Red Sox were attempting to take the field in the fifth inning, the mascot of the Seattle Mariners, Mariner Moose, came riding by on his ATV and clocked CoCo who was trying to make his way to centerfield. Crisp was fine after the incident and actually took it all in stride.

“I didn’t see my career flash before my eyes or anything. Actually, I was thinking of me being a billionaire,” Crisp said, smiling at the thought of a lawsuit. “I probably could have made as much as somebody’s wife divorcing a billionaire. But it was just a weird thing that happened.”

Come on, CoCo. Get mad. I mean, you kind of look like Rocky from Rocky and Bullwinkle! The script writes itself! The money will simply come pouring in. And maybe you’ll be able to get to the bottom as to why in the name of Travis Bickle did Robert DeNiro agree to be in this unholy piece of elephant turd.

13 Responses to “CoCo Crisp vs. Mariner Moose”

  1. Whoa whoa whoa! Sarah, I was on board with this article until the last sentence – then I nearly jumped out of my seat. Since when have the Braves lacked an organizational philosophy? If there’s ANY one team in the majors that demonstrates a consistent, defined organizational philosophy, it’s the Braves. They like to draft local prospects that thrive on pressure and want to play in Atlanta. They trust their scouts and farm system, as demonstrated by their unprecedented 14 year run atop the NL West/East standings. Their GM likes prospects, but will ALWAYS trade a touted prospect for a proven all-star (see Wainwright for J.D Drew, Andy Marte for Edgar Renteria, now Salty/Elvis for Tex, the list goes on)…That seems pretty damn consistent to me.

    And then to claim that the Rangers, the f’ing Rangers, have a clue about what they’re doing…that’s preposterous. I just don’t give it to you. They have a 20-something year old GM, they traded badasses Chris Young and Adrian Gonzalez for Akinori Otsuka, their pitching staff is in shambles…this list goes on and on too.

    I don’t disagree with your assessment of the trade – it hits the nail on the head and the scouting reports are great info…but you’re jumping the gun with those last sentences.

  2. Sarah Green says:

    It just seems to me like the Rangers are trying to fix their issues by saying, “Okay, let’s dump this clubhouse cancer for some cheap, young guys so that we can build a better organization in the future.” That looks like a plan. While the Braves are saying, “Fuck, we’re about to miss the playoffs for the second year in a row—let’s panic and acquire a proven star at the expense of our best three prospects, plus that other pitcher.” I don’t know how you give up that much for a position player. Unless they’ve got some secret plan to beef up their pitching staff. They have some good guys in the bullpen, and their first two starters(Smoltz, Hudson) are great, and their No. 3 (Chuck James) has been sort of middling, but who else do they have? And Smoltz, if you haven’t noticed, is about a million years old. But oh wait, let’s shoot our wad on a first baseman. Yeah, that’s an organizational philosophy. It’s the organizational philosophy the Red Sox had for way too long.

  3. Coley Ward says:

    If this trade signifies that the Rangers have an “organizational philosophy”, than what is it? Sarah, you say it means they’re attempting to get younger, but let’s not forget that they are, as we speak, trying to resign Eric Gagne, who is about 15 minutes away from his next season ending injury. And Tex was a young guy, so it’s not like he couldn’t have been part of a youth movement.

    The Rangers are trying to get younger AND win now. And you can’t do both. But that won’t stop them from trying.

  4. Paul Moro says:

    I don’t buy that the Rangers are trying to sign Gagne. It’s a ploy to drive up his trade value. As a Boras client, the Rangers aren’t going to pay the man. No way.

    Texas knows they’re licked. They are rebuilding. Book it.

  5. Sarah Green says:

    And if the Braves have had a philosophy for this season and last, what is it? I think their philosophy can be summed up as, “Crap, the Mets don’t suck any more!”

  6. Nick Kapur says:

    I take it, Zvee, that you don’t agree with my oft repeated suggestions that John Schuerholz is secretly one of the worst GMs in the game?

    Obviously, I’ve got to go with Sarah on this one. While it’s quite true that the Braves have been consistent about trying to sign local talent, if they have any other sort of consistent organizational philosophy at the major league level, I have yet to figure out what it is. What kind of organizational philosophy was it when they signed Brian Jordan and Raul Mondesi to be their starting corner outfielders a few years ago? What kind of organizational philosophy was it that they never signed any relievers for 10 years, and just hoped Leo Mazzone could turn scrap heap guys into gold, and then as soon as Leo left it stopped working so they panicked and traded their awesome first baseman away for a middle reliever which is exactly why they had no first baseman and had to go out and get Teixera?

    If you can tell me how trading Adam LaRoche for Mike Gonzalez so you are forced to trade your 3 best prospects for Tiexera qualifies as a consistent organizational philosophy, I would like to know what that philosophy is.

  7. Sarah Green says:

    Ooh. An update. Apparently, the Rangers are concerned about an arm issue with Harrison, but as of this time are still planning on going ahead. They can substitute another pitching prospect if they want to.

    Here’s what the AJC had to say about Feliz: “The second pitcher will be right-hander Neftali Feliz, 19, a hard-throwing Dominican rated the Braves’ No. 18 prospect by Baseball America. He has 70 strikeouts in 5 1/3 innings in two seasons at Rookie and Class-A levels.” I assume that is 51 and a third, not 5 and a third. 70 strikeouts in five innings would be something special indeed!

    Also, apparently Saltalamacchia is married to one of his former teachers. She’s 37. He’s 21. They already have two kids. And their relationship conveniently started when Salty had just turned 18.

  8. Also, apparently Saltalamacchia is married to one of his former teachers. She’s 37. He’s 21. They already have two kids. And their relationship conveniently started when Salty had just turned 18.

    So? What do that have to do with the trade? From what I’ve read your just looking for reasons to blast the Braves.

  9. Coley Ward says:

    Rain Delay, this is a blog. If you can’t talk about players marrying their former teachers when they were 18 on a blog, then when can you talk about it?

  10. Coley Ward says:

    More gossip on Salty’s gym teacher wife:

    There’s no way around the proverbial elephant in the room, so here are the quick answers: She’s in her 30s, significantly older than the 20-year-old catcher; she never taught a class with him in it; she said their personal relationship didn’t begin until the fall of 2004, a year after he graduated.


  11. Paul Moro says:

    I know a guy who ran into his old jr. high gym teacher at a bar (the teacher was female). Took her home. Slept with her. The kicker is, the guy’s female roommate was in the next room having sex with the teacher’s brother.

    True story. And that’s why Texas did well in the trade.

  12. Sarah Green says:

    How does mentioning that a now-ex-Braves catcher got hot for teacher “blast the Braves”??

    I think the real question now is, is Ashley an HBW?

  13. Sarah Green says:

    An update from the crackerjack reporting team at ESPN:

    “Mariners management, led by general manager Bill Bavasi, sent an apology to Boston manager Terry Francona in the dugout. Francona missed the incident because he was using the clubhouse bathroom.”

    It’s all in the details, people.

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