It’s Not Luck, It’s Baseball

In what is sure to become a new excuse as to why baseball fans should be allowed to watch the game despite their significant others’ objections, a Chicago-area man is crediting baseball with saving his life.

On Wednesday night, 36 year-old Ben Von Bruenchenhein was watching his Cubbies who were in San Francisco playing the Giants when a bullet came through the wall that separated his bedroom and living room where the television sat. When he examined the damage, Von Bruencheniojwfgwefgp (or whatever his name is) noticed that the path that the bullet took would have ordinarily struck him. You see, Von Brugfwwghiuhin claims that if the Cubs weren’t playing on the West Coast, he would’ve already been in bed at the time the incident occurred (which was, pathetically, 10:15pm), which is precisely where the bullet passed.

So naturally, he’s claiming that the Cubs saved his life. And so can you. We shall call this the Von Bruwgoehfafn defense. “Baby, I need to watch this game. If I don’t, a bullet may come through the wall whereever else I may be standing and hit me. Do you want that on your conscience? No, I don’t think you do.”

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the bullet was accidentally fired by a neighbor who didn’t realize that the gun was loaded. I’ll just paste this part because I can’t top what the article already says:

Von Bruenchenhein has his neighbor to thank for the close call. Larz Nordstrom, who lives in the apartment next door, admitted he accidentally shot through the wall. “I just forgot the damn thing was loaded,” said Nordstrom, 82, a retired General Motors engineer who answered his door wearing only his undershorts.

“I was just taking it out of the nightstand,” the former gun collector said. “I pulled the trigger. It had been sitting there for 11 years. I’m sorry. It is embarrassing as hell.”

So yes. An 82-year old man was sitting in his apartment playing with his gun collection. And he called the incident “embarrasing”. And he answers doors in his underpants.

God bless America.