I’m going to sleep now, and when I wake up, I will realize that this was all a dream, and that the Red Sox and the Yankees have not yet played.

Because there’s just no way the best two relievers on the Red Sox could have given up six runs in one inning. Right?

Yet there is this incontrovertible text evidence in my cell phone:

Sarah to Coley, Sept 14, 11:15pm: Hold me.

Coley to Sarah, Sept 14, 11:17pm: I have Papel-blue balls.

Sarah to Coley, Sept. 14, 11:18pm: He is suddenly their Papelbitch.

And then there was the following evidence, in my g-chat archive:

Me: oh honey. this is terrible. [frown][frown][frown][frown][frown]

Boyfriend: i’m too depressed to talk about it. i baked a red sox cake.

Me: was it really good for the first half

Boyfriend: yes.

Me: and then totally awful for the second half? did jonathan papelbon leap through your kitchen window and throw the cake in the trash and then swear into his glove?

Boyfriend: Sadly no.

Me: did it leave like 18 million pieces of frosting on base?

Boyfriend: yes.

Me: goddammit.

Boyfriend: but the cake has two layers, one red and one blue

Me: is it frosted with the broken dreams of an entire Nation?

Boyfriend: i don’t want to talk about the game anymore

Desperately in search of some bit of hard evidence that my beloved Red Sox had not, in fact, pissed away a game that they had clearly dominated through the first six innings (I could watch a lowlight reel of Giambi’s errors all day), I checked the box score, the play-by-play, even the photos. And that’s when I realized that this game couldn’t possibly have happened. No. In fact, there’s only conceivable explanation—I’ve gone back in time!


Now at least I can get some sleep. After all, I already know how this ends!

No Responses to “*Stunned Silence*”

  1. Coley Ward says:

    Paul, what about Damn Yankees?

  2. Nick Kapur says:

    I actually saw that Edward Scissorhands musical, Paul. And I have to say, despite doubts similar to yours it was actually brilliant, and I’d highly recommend it.

  3. Sarah Green says:

    And I am forced to add that clearly, some folks do think that music and sports go together. Namely, athletes and the pop stars who date them!

  4. Daniel Sonenberg says:

    It’s not really that I think I’m “being creative” – more that Gibson’s story, in all its magesty and tragedy, simply seems too great a match for any genre other than opera. It’s hard to tell from your post which you underestimate more, opera or baseball, but I feel quite confident that each is worthy of the other. Sure, opera is an easy target these days (to be fair, it always has been), but I still believe its power to relate tales of deep emotional depth is simply unparalleled. Gibson was a hero, and I’m confident that he’s as near to my heart as he is to yours. And I assure I’ve chosen to write this work not because I think it’s a cheap gimmick to gain notoriety, or that it’s a way “to be creative,” but rather because it seems to be the best way to channel my complex feelings about the man and his legacy, and to put forth an artistically framed argument about same. Also, the project has the not-so-fringe benefit of sharing Josh’s story with a segment of the population (fans of opera, particularly new opera) that have virtually no familiarity with the man, let alone the Negro Leagues. If in the meantime some baseball fans expand their own narrow conceptions of what does and does not constitute legitimate artistic expression, so much the better.

  5. Sarah Green says:

    Also, the more I think about it, the more I just have to disagree with Paul when he says that sports and music don’t mix. What about the marching band at football games? What about “Eye of the Tiger”? What about Gary Glitter and Rock and Roll Part 2? What about John Fogerty’s “Centerfield”?!

Leave a Reply

    Recent Comments

    • planet hobbywood: This is very interesting.
    • Bren: He is a awesome player and a good man.. sweet.. polite.. friendly.. down to earth.. he never acted as though he...
    • HADAJUN( Japanese): Okajima a Japanese hero?
    • Rickt: I am the biggest Cal Jr fan around but one of my good friends played minor league baseball in the Orioles...
    • HADAJUN: I wish for play in Japan. The death is regrettable.


    Subscribe via email

    Enter your email address:


Featured posts

December 5, 2011

Will anybody get elected to the Hall of Fame this year?

Last week, we asked you to vote for who you would like to see enshrined in baseball’s Hall of Fame. The verdict? If it were up to UmpBump readers, nobody would make it in. The leading vote getter (so far) is Jeff Bagwell, who has 60% support. Of course, in the real voting, players need […]

January 5, 2011

Annual UmpBump Hall of Fame Balloting: 2011 Edition

In what has become an annual tradition, we here at UmpBump cast our ballots for the Hall of Fame on the eve of the announcements of the voting for the real Hall of Fame. Voters can vote for anyone ever who has been retired from baseball for at least five years and is not already […]

October 19, 2010

Crowdsourcing the Greats: The Top 10 Managers of All Time

Now that we’ve looked at every position on the diamond, as well as relief pitchers, we are nearing the end of our “Crowdsourcing the Greats” series. But before we finish, let’s turn one more time to the internet hoi polloi for answers on who the greatest baseball manager of all time was. As usual, we […]