Here they come to save the daaaaay!
This morning, I awoke to a dazzling late-September blue sky and the knowledge that the Yankees, who lost yesterday, still had not clinched a playoff berth. Plus, the Red Sox had an off-day. Even the Red Sox can’t find a way to lose on an off day.
It’s almost enough to make me a morning person.
Chez Sarah, the dramatic conclusion of the baseball season, coming as it does at the advent of the football season, calls for a certain amount of redecorating. So it is that my living room now has two televisions, set up side-by-side, enabling me to watch the Patriots and the Red Sox at the same time and to avoid the Sophie’s choice of having to choose which team I love more on a given day.
So it has been, these past few Sundays, that I’ve noticed a certain discrepancy between my two teams. The Red Sox have stumbled. The Patriots have soared. What is to be done? Clearly, the Pats must find a way to aid their struggling brethren in their hour of need. Without further ado, I suggest the following measures:
Patriots must share points with offensively impoverished Red Sox. Even at exchange rate of 6:1, Pats clearly have more offense than they need.- Use Ellis Hobbs as pinch runner for Eric Hinske; instead of getting tagged out by Jorge Posada at home plate, Hobbs can fake him out with slick moves.
- Encourage Wes Welker to extend David Ortiz warning-track balls with sneaky lateral alley-oops into bullpen.
- Hire Tedy Bruschi as motivational speaker (see file: J.D. Drew, apathy).
- If Jason Varitek and Ortiz insist on trying to steal bases, bring in Asante Samuel to intercept throw from catcher. (Alternate plan: Junior Seau could tackle second baseman?)
- If Manny still on DL, replace in outfield with Randy Moss; can zip across outfield shagging fly balls with ease; better than Bobby Kielty, anyway.
- Tom Brady: more accurate arm than Dice-K. Poss third pitcher for postseason?
If all else fails, Belichick can videotape signals.- Ask Laurence Maroney about ability to “rush” weak grounders out of the infield.
- Replace Julio Lugo with Vince Wilfork; size of lineman means that all runners heading from second to third will have to run onto grass and be automatically out.
September 26th, 2007 at 12:59 am
Okay, Sarah, it’s official: your knowledge of the Patriots has now surpassed mine. By a lot, it seems!
Oh and also, I know poetic license, and whatnot, but you are just about the morningest morning person I know. You are nigh unto worthless after 10pm.
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September 26th, 2007 at 10:23 am
Salted! Nick calls me out! Yes, it’s true—I admit it, I am kind of a morning person! But now it’s my turn to point out that your idea of a morning person is anyone who gets up before noon. :)
I just really love the image I have in my head of Robinson Cano, about to tag out the slow-footed Varitek at second, and then–WHAM! Junior Seau comes out of nowhere, slams into him, and does his celebratory little chest-pound/leg-kick move. Or Asante Samuel grabbing Lugo’s latest weak grounder to short, stiff-arming A-Rod, and bringing the ball all the way out to the warning track.
And then they just go back and sit in the dugout, or whatever.
Of course, it should be noted that it’s not guaranteed the Yankees and the Red Sox will meet in the playoffs, because the Yankees have yet to clinch a berth! HA. HA. HA.
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September 26th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
>> Of course, it should be noted that it’s not guaranteed the Yankees and the Red Sox will meet in the playoffs, because the Yankees have yet to clinch a berth! HA. HA. HA. >>
Sorry to burst your bubble, but it’s going to happen sooner or later. ‘HA HA HA’
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September 26th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
True enough Pete. If only they can hold off the mighty juggernaut known as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
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September 26th, 2007 at 9:17 pm
The same mighty TB Devil Rays who came within 2 outs of taking 2 out of 3 from the first-place Sawx?
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September 26th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
I know you’re only writing this now because New York just scored a bajillion runs.
But don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.
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September 27th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
It would appear that way, wouldn’t it?
Your timestamp is way off – I posted this before I left work on Wednesday afternoon, WELL ahead of the start of the game.
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