This morning, I awoke to a dazzling late-September blue sky and the knowledge that the Yankees, who lost yesterday, still had not clinched a playoff berth. Plus, the Red Sox had an off-day. Even the Red Sox can’t find a way to lose on an off day.
It’s almost enough to make me a morning person.
Chez Sarah, the dramatic conclusion of the baseball season, coming as it does at the advent of the football season, calls for a certain amount of redecorating. So it is that my living room now has two televisions, set up side-by-side, enabling me to watch the Patriots and the Red Sox at the same time and to avoid the Sophie’s choice of having to choose which team I love more on a given day.
So it has been, these past few Sundays, that I’ve noticed a certain discrepancy between my two teams. The Red Sox have stumbled. The Patriots have soared. What is to be done? Clearly, the Pats must find a way to aid their struggling brethren in their hour of need. Without further ado, I suggest the following measures:
- Patriots must share points with offensively impoverished Red Sox. Even at exchange rate of 6:1, Pats clearly have more offense than they need.
- Use Ellis Hobbs as pinch runner for Eric Hinske; instead of getting tagged out by Jorge Posada at home plate, Hobbs can fake him out with slick moves.
- Encourage Wes Welker to extend David Ortiz warning-track balls with sneaky lateral alley-oops into bullpen.
- Hire Tedy Bruschi as motivational speaker (see file: J.D. Drew, apathy).
- If Jason Varitek and Ortiz insist on trying to steal bases, bring in Asante Samuel to intercept throw from catcher. (Alternate plan: Junior Seau could tackle second baseman?)
- If Manny still on DL, replace in outfield with Randy Moss; can zip across outfield shagging fly balls with ease; better than Bobby Kielty, anyway.
- Tom Brady: more accurate arm than Dice-K. Poss third pitcher for postseason?
If all else fails, Belichick can videotape signals.
- Ask Laurence Maroney about ability to “rush” weak grounders out of the infield.
- Replace Julio Lugo with Vince Wilfork; size of lineman means that all runners heading from second to third will have to run onto grass and be automatically out.