This morning, I awoke to a dazzling late-September blue sky and the knowledge that the Yankees, who lost yesterday, still had not clinched a playoff berth. Plus, the Red Sox had an off-day. Even the Red Sox can’t find a way to lose on an off day.

It’s almost enough to make me a morning person.

Chez Sarah, the dramatic conclusion of the baseball season, coming as it does at the advent of the football season, calls for a certain amount of redecorating.  So it is that my living room now has two televisions, set up side-by-side, enabling me to watch the Patriots and the Red Sox at the same time and to avoid the Sophie’s choice of having to choose which team I love more on a given day.

So it has been, these past few Sundays, that I’ve noticed a certain discrepancy between my two teams. The Red Sox have stumbled. The Patriots have soared. What is to be done? Clearly, the Pats must find a way to aid their struggling brethren in their hour of need. Without further ado, I suggest the following measures:

  • Bill and Tim's excellent adventure?Patriots must share points with offensively impoverished Red Sox. Even at exchange rate of 6:1, Pats clearly have more offense than they need.
  • Use Ellis Hobbs as pinch runner for Eric Hinske; instead of getting tagged out by Jorge Posada at home plate, Hobbs can fake him out with slick moves.
  • Encourage Wes Welker to extend David Ortiz warning-track balls with sneaky lateral alley-oops into bullpen.
  • Hire Tedy Bruschi as motivational speaker (see file: J.D. Drew, apathy).
  • If Jason Varitek and Ortiz insist on trying to steal bases, bring in Asante Samuel to intercept throw from catcher. (Alternate plan: Junior Seau could tackle second baseman?)
  • If Manny still on DL, replace in outfield with Randy Moss; can zip across outfield shagging fly balls with ease; better than Bobby Kielty, anyway.
  • Tom Brady: more accurate arm than Dice-K. Poss third pitcher for postseason?
  • If all else fails, Belichick can videotape signals.
  • Ask Laurence Maroney about ability to “rush” weak grounders out of the infield.
  • Replace Julio Lugo with Vince Wilfork; size of lineman means that all runners heading from second to third will have to run onto grass and be automatically out.

7 Responses to “Here they come to save the daaaaay!”

  1. Okay, Sarah, it’s official: your knowledge of the Patriots has now surpassed mine. By a lot, it seems!

    Oh and also, I know poetic license, and whatnot, but you are just about the morningest morning person I know. You are nigh unto worthless after 10pm.

  2. Sarah Green says:

    Salted! Nick calls me out! Yes, it’s true—I admit it, I am kind of a morning person! But now it’s my turn to point out that your idea of a morning person is anyone who gets up before noon. :)

    I just really love the image I have in my head of Robinson Cano, about to tag out the slow-footed Varitek at second, and then–WHAM! Junior Seau comes out of nowhere, slams into him, and does his celebratory little chest-pound/leg-kick move. Or Asante Samuel grabbing Lugo’s latest weak grounder to short, stiff-arming A-Rod, and bringing the ball all the way out to the warning track.

    And then they just go back and sit in the dugout, or whatever.

    Of course, it should be noted that it’s not guaranteed the Yankees and the Red Sox will meet in the playoffs, because the Yankees have yet to clinch a berth! HA. HA. HA.

  3. >> Of course, it should be noted that it’s not guaranteed the Yankees and the Red Sox will meet in the playoffs, because the Yankees have yet to clinch a berth! HA. HA. HA. >>

    Sorry to burst your bubble, but it’s going to happen sooner or later. ‘HA HA HA’

  4. Sarah Green says:

    True enough Pete. If only they can hold off the mighty juggernaut known as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

  5. The same mighty TB Devil Rays who came within 2 outs of taking 2 out of 3 from the first-place Sawx?

  6. Sarah Green says:

    I know you’re only writing this now because New York just scored a bajillion runs.

    But don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.

  7. It would appear that way, wouldn’t it?

    Your timestamp is way off – I posted this before I left work on Wednesday afternoon, WELL ahead of the start of the game.

Leave a Reply

    Recent Comments

    • planet hobbywood: This is very interesting.
    • Bren: He is a awesome player and a good man.. sweet.. polite.. friendly.. down to earth.. he never acted as though he...
    • HADAJUN( Japanese): Okajima a Japanese hero?
    • Rickt: I am the biggest Cal Jr fan around but one of my good friends played minor league baseball in the Orioles...
    • HADAJUN: I wish for play in Japan. The death is regrettable.


    Subscribe via email

    Enter your email address:


Featured posts

December 5, 2011

Will anybody get elected to the Hall of Fame this year?

Last week, we asked you to vote for who you would like to see enshrined in baseball’s Hall of Fame. The verdict? If it were up to UmpBump readers, nobody would make it in. The leading vote getter (so far) is Jeff Bagwell, who has 60% support. Of course, in the real voting, players need […]

January 5, 2011

Annual UmpBump Hall of Fame Balloting: 2011 Edition

In what has become an annual tradition, we here at UmpBump cast our ballots for the Hall of Fame on the eve of the announcements of the voting for the real Hall of Fame. Voters can vote for anyone ever who has been retired from baseball for at least five years and is not already […]

October 19, 2010

Crowdsourcing the Greats: The Top 10 Managers of All Time

Now that we’ve looked at every position on the diamond, as well as relief pitchers, we are nearing the end of our “Crowdsourcing the Greats” series. But before we finish, let’s turn one more time to the internet hoi polloi for answers on who the greatest baseball manager of all time was. As usual, we […]