award.JPGIt may come as a shock to many of you to hear this, but… The wide world of male sports is a breeding ground for douchebags. These athletes cheat on their significant others, drive drunk, give themselves undeserved nicknames, and sometimes even try to “make it rain” by throwing money in the air at strip clubs and then act surpsied and angry when others scamper to try and collect the loot. These are the moments that make us think, “Huh. What a freaking douchebag”.

So let us honor these men, recognizing their troubling amount of shortcomings as human beings during the 2007 calendar year with the first ever Douchies Awards. There are five categories in which we want you to cast your vote! Votes will be tallied and announced early next week.

Without further ado, the nominees are:

The Reggie Jackson Award for Best Display of Attention-Grabbing

  • Roger Clemens – “OF ALL THE DRAMATIC THINGS I’VE EVER SEEN!!!” In conjunction with the ability to make even more money by poking fun of his marital discord in a Cingular commercial.
  • Barry Bonds – I honestly don’t know where to start.
  • Jose Reyes – Yes, Jose. We know you love baseball. But can’t you figure out a way to express yourself in any other form than dance? It kind of pisses off your opponents.
  • Mike Winters – We don’t really know exactly what he said to Milton Bradley. Just that it was something offensive. But let’s be fair. We’re talking about Milton Bradley here.
  • Mark Ecko – For his humanitarian efforts to spend a ridiculous amount of money (that otherwise could have gone some far more worthy cause) to purchase the Bonds record-breaking homerun ball. And then turning it into an even bigger publicity stunt by asking us common folk to vote on the ball’s fate, thus making sure that the name Mark Ecko becomes synonymous with ‘bringing the purity back to baseball’.
  • Scott Boras/Alex Rodriguez – for making Peter Gammons cry. How dare you, sir. The man is a legend.

The Curt Schilling Award for Comment Most Likely to Alienate Everyone

The Bette Midler “Did You Ever Know That You’re My Hero – But You Took a Cleveland Steamer on Me While I Slept” Award

The “See This, NBA? We’re Crazy Too” Award

The It Wouldn’t Be UmpBump Unless We Mentioned Carl Pavano Award

  • This just gets handed to Carl Pavano automatically. Every year.

So let us know, UmpBump readers! Who wins each award? And of course, write-in candidates are encouraged and appreciated! Votes will be tallied and announced early next week!

6 Responses to “The 1st Annual Douchie Awards: an UmpBump tradition since 2007”

  1. Sarah Green says:

    Ugh! That picture! It definitely gives me a not-so-fresh feeling. It is times like these when I become acutely aware that I am the only female blogger on this site…I thought we were just using the word “douchebag” in the figurative, not the literal sense.

    Plus, that award looks like a futuristic wigwam.

    I’m going to take my feminist rage and vote for A-Rod, Sheffield, Scott Olsen, and Elijah Dukes. And of course Carl Pavano, who is running unopposed in his own category.

  2. Sarah, to be perfectly honest, I am very ashamed of myself for creating that photo. But I had to make SOME award, didn’t I? What choice did I have? I did it for the children. I did it for their laughter.

  3. The children thank you Paul. We are laughing.

    Urbina, The PED Cabal, A-rodas, and I had to go with Kent, as there are way too many people out there who will not be alienated by Sheffield’s comment, but instead support him for his “courage to speak truth to power.”

    I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

  4. Mr. Bigglesworth says:

    I’d have gone with Massengill for the award.

  5. Haha, well done. My votes went as follows:

    Myers (out of loyalty to my Phillies)

    Your Photoshop skills are off the charts!

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