It may come as a shock to many of you to hear this, but… The wide world of male sports is a breeding ground for douchebags. These athletes cheat on their significant others, drive drunk, give themselves undeserved nicknames, and sometimes even try to “make it rain” by throwing money in the air at strip clubs and then act surpsied and angry when others scamper to try and collect the loot. These are the moments that make us think, “Huh. What a freaking douchebag”.
So let us honor these men, recognizing their troubling amount of shortcomings as human beings during the 2007 calendar year with the first ever Douchies Awards. There are five categories in which we want you to cast your vote! Votes will be tallied and announced early next week.
Without further ado, the nominees are:
The Reggie Jackson Award for Best Display of Attention-Grabbing
- Roger Clemens – “OF ALL THE DRAMATIC THINGS I’VE EVER SEEN!!!” In conjunction with the ability to make even more money by poking fun of his marital discord in a Cingular commercial.
- Barry Bonds – I honestly don’t know where to start.
- Jose Reyes – Yes, Jose. We know you love baseball. But can’t you figure out a way to express yourself in any other form than dance? It kind of pisses off your opponents.
- Mike Winters - We don’t really know exactly what he said to Milton Bradley. Just that it was something offensive. But let’s be fair. We’re talking about Milton Bradley here.
- Mark Ecko – For his humanitarian efforts to spend a ridiculous amount of money (that otherwise could have gone some far more worthy cause) to purchase the Bonds record-breaking homerun ball. And then turning it into an even bigger publicity stunt by asking us common folk to vote on the ball’s fate, thus making sure that the name Mark Ecko becomes synonymous with ‘bringing the purity back to baseball’.
- Scott Boras/Alex Rodriguez – for making Peter Gammons cry. How dare you, sir. The man is a legend.
The Curt Schilling Award for Comment Most Likely to Alienate Everyone
- Lastings Milledge - “Bend Ya Knees”
- Brett Myers – For calling a reporter “retarded”
- Gary Sheffield – “(It’s about) being able to tell (Latin players) what to do — being able to control them. Where I’m from, you can’t control us.”
- Jeff Kent – For talking smack about pretty much everyone on his team
- Chipper Jones – “When I find out (David Wright) won (the Gold Glove), I was speechless, for quite some time.”
The Bette Midler “Did You Ever Know That You’re My Hero – But You Took a Cleveland Steamer on Me While I Slept” Award
- Paul Byrd/Matt Williams/Scott Schoeneweis/Jay Gibbons/Guillermo Mota/Rick Ankiel/Troy Glaus/Your Mother/Jose Guillen/Gary Matthews
- Tony LaRussa - Tony? The light’s green, dude. Tony? Are you awake?
- Scott Olsen - OK, we didn’t expect much social decency from you. But we thought you’d at least be able to withstand a taser attack during a DUI arrest.
The “See This, NBA? We’re Crazy Too” Award
- Jose Offerman - OK, so this wasn’t in MLB, but hitting a catcher over the head with a bat is just not OK.
- Elijah Dukes - knocking up a 17 year-old girl and throwing a Gatorade bottle at her head, plus threatening the life of your ex-wife in front of school children.
- Ugueth Urbina - For making what Offerman and Dukes did seem completely tame.
The It Wouldn’t Be UmpBump Unless We Mentioned Carl Pavano Award
- This just gets handed to Carl Pavano automatically. Every year.
So let us know, UmpBump readers! Who wins each award? And of course, write-in candidates are encouraged and appreciated! Votes will be tallied and announced early next week!