For those of you who missed it (where the hell were you?), last week, we here at UmpBump nominated 27 deserving men to be the first ever recipients of The Douchies, an award that finally recognizes the douchiness of certain individuals employed by Major League Baseball. Close to 500 of you cast a total of 1746 votes in our four categories and I have to say, some of the results were surprising.
So here they are! Your winners of the 1st Annual Douchie Awards!
The Reggie Jackson Award for Best Display of Attention Grabbing is named after a man who has attained mythical stature as an attention-whore during his playing career. He was the forebearer to the modern, preening baseball player, putting the size of the contract ahead of most anything else. This award will be presented to the person who best personified Mr. Jackson’s penchant to run after the spotlight no matter what cost.
And the winner is…
The team of Scott Boras and Alex Rodriguez! (clap, clap, clap, clap, clap)
This unholy duo had the nerve to “leak” the news that A-Rod would be opting out of his contract with the Yankees during the fourth and deciding game of the 2007 World Series. Rodriguez actually had a longer window – up until 10 days after the conclusion of the World Series – to make a decision. While I personally have to applaud A-Rod for entertaining us with Stripper Gate (and the revelation that he loves the muscular ladies), the public has spoken. You two sirs, are douchebags. Good luck with getting your $350 million contract. Oh, wait. That’s already a failed venture, isn’t it? Excellent.
Runner-Up: Roger Clemens (Suzy Waldman, you will forever be in my heart.)
Our next category is The Curt Schilling Award for Comment Most Likely to Alienate Everyone. Named after a man who time and again said something that made even his friends and family want to smack him across the head, The Schilling Award goes to the individual who, through the spoken word, made as many people as possible feel completely uncomfortable.
And the winner is… with an incredible 52% of the votes…
Mr. Gary Sheffield! Congratulations on being a douchebag. Not only did you offend the Latino population around the world with your assertion that they were easy to “control”, you continued to prove your douchiness by accusing Joe Torre of giving preferential treatment to white players over black players. And you also had the wonderful decency to prove your innocence on the speculation regarding your alleged steroid use with the phrase: “the bottom line is steroids is something you stick in your butt — period.” (Why haven’t I seen t-shirts with this quote yet?). So well done, douchebag.
Runner-Up: Jeff Kent
And now, it’s time to present The Bette Midler “Did You Ever Know That You’re My Hero – But You Took a Cleveland Steamer on Me While I Slept” Award. While Ms. Midler herself is certainly no douchebag (her rendition of Rochelle, Rochelle is enough to dispel any doubt of this), we honor her iconic line with this Award, which is given to someone whose actions turned them from hero to douchebag in a nanosecond. For disappointing us so, we present The Midler to…
Paul Byrd/Matt Williams/Scott Schoeneweis/Jay Gibbons/Guillermo Mota/Rick Ankiel/Troy Glaus/Your Mother/Jose Guillen/Gary Matthews!
This collection of illegal performance-enhancement users (including your mother) are a fine bunch of human beings. They range from the bible-toting do-gooders (Jesus would not do HGH, Paul Byrd) to those whose comebacks may not have been so miraculous (Rick Ankiel, you just wasted a completely crappy Disney movie idea). They even include those who you just can’t believe were cheating, for the simple fact that they were still terrible baseball players (hat tip to Guillermo Mota). So congratulations to all of you. And please know that The Midler Award itself is created out of chemically enhanced testosterone. So please decide amongst yourselves how it will be divvied up and ingested.
Runner-Up: Tony LaRussa
Finally, it’s time to hand out The “See This, NBA? We’re Crazy Too” Award, which honors those men who allow baseball to stay in the public consciousness despite the NBA’s attempt to upstage it with their usual antics. They are our last line of defense against the Ron Artests, Stephon Marburys, and James Dolans. And for this, we salute them and all their multiple personalities. The winner is…
Elijah Dukes! What a stunner! I honestly thought that Ugueth Urbina would walk away with this trophy seeing as he tried to kill guys with a machete and light them on fire for trespassing. But UmpBump readers have spoken. Mr. Dukes, you are the douchebag. Having received many, many chances to prove yourself as a human being, you have continually lowered the bar in terms of what we can expect from you. At this point, the bar is so freaking low, Dustin Pedroia cannot successfully limbo underneath it. You had a ton of talent and wasted it away because you thought it was OK to leave death threats on your ex-wife’s phone. Well done, douchebag.
Runner-Up: Ugueth Urbina
So that’s it for the 2007 Douchies. On behalf of all of us here at UmpBump (including Carl Pavano), we wish you good night!