This is one of a series of posts in which we throw feces at each team’s ineffectual attempts to improve and daub them with rosewater in those areas where they have managed to do so.

What is there to say about the Rangers this year? They’re clearly going to come in last—again—in an already weak division. (A division that only has four teams. Lame!) I can barely muster up the spleen required to rip them. So much for “in-your-face baseball commentary.” But let’s give it a shot anyway—after all, this may be the one post UmpBump writes about the Rangers all year. (At least until Milton Bradley acts up again.) To add interest to this fairly lackluster team, I will rely on an old writerly device: the exclamation point!

So I looked at the projected lineup of the Texas Rangers (below) one thing really stands out: only two players played 130 games or more last season, and only four topped 100 games! And when I looked at their starting rotation, I noticed that no pitcher on the list has an ERA of under 4.50!

Oof!

Texas is fielding quite a motley crew this season. Michael Young, arguably the only shortstop worse defensively than Derek Jeter! Josh Hamilton, who recovered from his crack addiction by finding Jesus! Milton Bradley, last seen causing himself a season-ending injury by trying to attack an umpire! Jarrod Saltalamacchia, who married his high school teacher!

Nonetheless, if I can set aside the ennui these Rangers induce in me, I have to admit there are some pretty interesting players on this team. Hamilton, for instance. In a recent article discussing Hamilton and Bradley, Jerry Crasnick writes:

At Rangers camp in Surprise, [Arizona,] they’re getting a crash course in what the fuss was all about. Hamilton hits high, majestic drives over the fence in batting practice, and his teammates strain for superlatives.

“We haven’t had any shortage of offensive monsters since I’ve been here,” says Michael Young, ticking off the names of Alex Rodriguez, Alfonso Soriano, Carlos Lee and Juan Gonzalez, among others. “But I think they might all take a backseat to this guy in batting practice. When you’re hitting balls to the opposite field off the top of the clubhouse, it’s just silly.”

His fellow Rangers attest that the ball even sounds different as it comes off Hamilton’s bat.

“I’ve never seen anyone as gifted as him,” Texas second baseman Ian Kinsler says. “He was born to play this game.”

Well, at least he should be fun to watch! And of course, Saltalamacchia will be getting his first full season in the bigs. That will be nice. And the aforementioned Milton is sure to entertain—for better or for worse!

Acquisitions: Milton Bradley LF, Kazuo Fukumori RP, Eddie Guardado RP, Jason Jennings SP, Chris Shelton 1B, Ben Broussard 1B, Josh Hamilton CF

Losses: Brad Wilkerson RF, Edinson Volquez SP, Freddy Guzman CF, Armando Galarraga SP, Sammy Sosa DH, Jerry Hairston Jr. CF

Projected Lineup, Rotation, and Closer:

SS Michael Young .315 AVG, .366 OBP, 9 HR, 156 games
3B Hank Blalock .293 AVG, .358 OBP, 10 HR, 58 games
CF Josh Hamilton, .292 AVG, .368 OBP, 19 HR, 90 games
LF Marlon Byrd .307 AVG, .355 OBP, 10 HR, 109 games
C Jarrod Saltalamacchia .251 AVG, .290 OBP, 7 HR, in 46 games
RF Milton Bradley, .306 BA, .402 OBP, 2 HR, 61 games
1B Ben Broussard, .275 AVG, .330 OBP, 7 HR, 99 games
2B Ian Kinsler .263 AVG, .355 OBP, 20 HR, 130 games
DH Frank Catalanotto .260 AVG, .337 OBP, 11 HR, 103 games

SP1 Kevin Millwood, 172.2 IP, 5.16 ERA
SP2 Vicente Padilla, 120.1 IP, 5.76 ERA
SP3 Jason Jennings, 99 IP, 6.45 ERA
SP4 Brandon McCarthy, 101.2 IP, 4.87 ERA
SP5 Kason Gabbard, 81.3 IP, 4.65 ERA

CL C.J. Wilson, 3.03 ERA, 1.22 WHIP (Though it could be Eddie Guardado by the time spring training is over.)

Grade: C

The best that can be said for the Rangers is that they seemed to finally admit, last season, that they weren’t going to win any time soon. They moved Mark Teixeira and Eric Gagne for prospects, and their farm system now looks better than most. 2008 is a throwaway year for the Rangers, but check back in 2010—if they haven’t done anything stupid, they could be contending by then! You never know! And as Nick so wisely said, “It’s not like they are the Pirates!”

-Hot Offseason Action Index!-

This is one of a series of posts in which we eviscerate each team for their unintenionally hilarious offseason screw-ups and dole out grudging praise for their not-horrible winter finagling.

Your 2008 American League Division Series are likely to include the Angels, plus three of the four following teams: Tigers, Indians, Red Sox, and Yankees. All four are fierce, but only three can make the playoffs. PECOTA is projecting the Wild Card winner to come out of the AL East (again), which means the dogfight for the AL Central crown will be vicious. Plus, PECOTA also shows the Tigers and the Indians finishing with the exact same record: 89-73. While I feel that both the Indians and the Tigers could well end up with more wins than that, I do agree that barring some catastrophic injuries to either team, it’s going to be super-close. Do the Tigers have what it takes to edge out Cleveland? Let’s go to the videotape!

The Tigers made big moves this winter, acquiring Edgar Renteria early in the offseason for prospects Gorkys Hernandez and Jair Jurrjens. Edgar Renteria has effectively demonstrated that he can be good in the National League, but his last foray into the AL was not so good on either side of the ball—in one year with Boston, he made 30 errors at short, hit only 8 home runs, and hit 20 points below his career batting average while striking out a hundred times. He was promptly dispatched to the Braves where he had two great years. Go figure. Whether he can get ‘r done in Detroit will be enlightening.

The Tigers followed this move with another blockbuster, snagging the Marlins two biggest chips in one deal, a move I felt demonstrated Florida’s stupidity more than it revealed Detroit’s acumen. Dontrelle Willis is another question mark heading into the season—highly touted since something of an annus mirabilis in 2005, since then his innings pitched tailed off a bit and his K/BB rate became a shambles. Can he rebound in the American League against the patient likes of the Red Sox, Yankees, and Indians? I’m doubtful. However, Tigers fans can be legitimately excited about the other player in the deal, third baseman Miguel Cabrera. He hits for power, average, and gets on base. The one thing he may need to work on in the AL is being a bit more patient at the plate—his 3.83 career P/PA is good, but last year’s 3.68 mark was less so. I hope it only reflected his impatience to get out of dismal Florida and onto a contending team. When he is choosier, as he was in ‘06, posting a 3.91 P/PA, he’s better—that was also his career high for average, OBP, OPS, and doubles. Sure, he hit more home runs last year, but I doubt a swing-and-slug approach is going to work for him in 2008. Plate discipline is the name of the game in the AL Central and AL East.

The Tigers also made a couple of small moves to give them some flexibility in the outfield. They acquired outfielder Jacque Jones from the Cubs (for Omar Infante), who everyone assumed would start until hot prospect Cameron Maybin was ready for the show—but then Maybin went to Florida in the Cabrera-Willis trade, and Maybin will be starting whether he’s ready or not. They also acquired speedy outfielder Freddy Guzman (for Chris Shelton) to serve in a reserve role.

As for Detroit’s farm system, there wasn’t too much there in October, and now it’s downright depleted. They gave up four of their most promising youngsters in the Renteria and Cabrera/Willis deals (Hernandez, Jurrjens, Maybin, and pitcher Andrew Miller). They did hang on to Rick Porcello, a 19-year old righthander that some see as a Josh Beckett-type. However, if Porcello—-who starts the year at A-ball—doesn’t pan out, Detroit’s got nuthin’.

Clearly, Detroit’s goal is to win now and worry about the rest later. They certainly have the lineup to score a lot of runs, but though these people ranked Detroit’s starting rotation 4th in MLB, I’m not convinced. I agree that Willis can be counted on for at least 200 innings, but that’s about it. They point out that Dontrelle’s strikeout rate has largely been consistent, but they overlook his increasing walk rate. Plus, they don’t even mention his shoddy WHIP. He allowed a .294 batting average last year against National League hitters and, as Paul noted back in July, his HR rate has skyrocketed.

As for the other non-Verlander pitchers in Detroit’s starting rotation, I see Jeremy Bonderman and Kenny Rogers both attempting to come back from injury. Nate Robertson as the fifth starter is unobjectionable, but if he has to shoulder more of the load because The Gambler’s on the DL, he becomes a liability too.

Acquisitions: Freddy Guzman OF, Armando Galarraga SP, Edgar Renteria SS, Jacque Jones OF, Denny Bautista RP, Miguel Cabrera 3B, Dontrelle Willis SP

Losses: Sean Casey 1B, Chad Durbin SP, Chris Shelton 1B, Jose Capellan RP, Cameron Maybin CF, Andrew Miller SP, Mike Rabelo C, Eulogio De La Cruz RP, Omar Infante INF, Jair Jurrjens SP, Neifi Perez INF

Projected Lineup, Rotation, and Closer:

CF, Curtis Granderson, .302 AVG, 23 HR
2B, Placido Polanco, .341 AVG, 9 HR
RF, Magglio Ordonez, .363 AVG, 28 HR
3B, Miguel Cabrera, .966 OPS
DH, Gary Sheffield, .839 OPS
1B, Carlos Guillen, .296 AVG, 21 HR
SS, Edgar Renteria, .860 OPS
C, Ivan Rodriguez, .281 AVG, 11 HR
LF, Jacque Jones, .285 AVG, 5 HR

SP1, Justin Verlander, 201.2 IP, 3.66 ERA
SP2, Jeremy Bonderman, 174.1 IP, 5.01 ERA
SP3, Dontrelle Willis, 205.1 IP, 5.17 ERA
SP4, Kenny Rogers, 63.0 IP, 4.43 ERA
SP5, Nate Robertson, 177.2 IP, 4.76 ERA

CL, Todd Jones, 4.26 ERA, 1.42 WHIP

Grade: B-

As always, I think you have to assess a team’s offseason moves in the context of their goals, resources, and progress. The Tigers are a top 10 payroll team and they’ve assembled a talented roster. In fact, I predict that the Tigers will beat out Cleveland for the AL Central title this year. So why the “meh” grade?

Because barring some sort of miracle, they simply don’t have the pitching to advance to make it to the Fall Classic. Verlander is as good as any Game 1 starter out there, but the still-young Bonderman has yet to prove himself as a worthy #2. I give them props for landing Cabrera and even Willis (who I wouldn’t mind so much if he were their 4 or 5 starter), but I think the Renteria trade was a blunder. Why give up two high-level prospects for a shortstop, when what you really need is pitching?

The only thing stopping this grade from being even lower is that the Tigers do have a pretty young team. They may have sold out their farm system, but they’ve got a lot of every day players in their 20s and should be able to contend for the next several years, especially if they can add some good free agents next winter. However, I don’t buy the popular notion that all you have to do is get into the playoffs, and then it’s pretty much a crapshoot who goes to the World Series. That’s true to some extent, but you have a much greater chance of advancing in the playoffs if you have a dominant one-two punch in your starting rotation. And as of February 28, 2008, the Tigers don’t.

-Hot Offseason Action Index-

As regular visitors to UmpBump know, I have no love for Derek Jeter’s glove. I have no personal animus against Jeter, despite my disdain for the Yankees, which is less of a raging hate-on and more of a well - I’m - a - Red - Sox - fan - so - what - do - you - expect? kind of thing. I’ve always felt that Jeter seemed like a pretty classy guy and that he definitely has one of the finest boohiners in baseball. I even felt a twinge sympathy for Derek Jeter when I read recently that despite his raft of “objectively hot” model-stripper-singer exes, he might need a few tips in that department. Apparently, he hit on hot indie actress Sienna Miller at a club, only to get ignored when Sienna didn’t even know who he was. Ouch. (Dude, she’s already going out with the Anti-Jeter anyway!).

Yet I could only spare Jeets so much sympathy. After all, Derek Jeter has won multiple Gold Gloves, yet his defense sucks. And even more infuriating, no one in the professional commentariat seems able to admit his defense sucks. I will agree that Jeter has pretty sure hands, and so you rarely see him bobble the ball, but there is simply no evidence that Jeter’s defense is actually that good. And in fact, there’s plenty of evidence to the contrary:

1) Last year, Derek Jeter ranked in the bottom half of major-league shortstops in fielding percentage, put-outs, and assists. He ranked second-to-last in range factor. He was dead last—in all of baseball—in zone rating. In fact, the only stat in which Derek Jeter even ranked in the top ten of MLB shortstops was double plays. And last year, the year he took home the trophy, he caboosed it there, too. Simply put, there is no statistical evidence that Derek Jeter is even a good defensive shortstop, let alone a great one deserving of praise and trophies. Now, I’ll admit, he had a pretty good year in 2005. But he had absolutely abysmal defensive years in 2001, 2002, and 2003. When you look at other, more abstruse stats—David Pinto’s DER leaps to mind—the evidence is clear: Derek Jeter is not good at defense. And the weight of all of these metrics taken together is clearly on the side of sucks-more-than-he-doesn’t-suck.

2) Lee Panas, a Detroit Tigers fan and research analyst, looked at six different systems for evaluating a shortstop’s fielding and combined them to devise the number of runs that player would have prevented if he had played in 150 games. In fact, Derek Jeter came in dead last. Jeter actually cost the Yankees a whopping 27 runs with his glove last year. That is some hardcore defensive suckage.

3) A professor at the Wharton School recently finished an evaluation of nearly half a million baseball plays (every play from 2002 to 2005) and estimated that Jeter was one of the worst defensive shortstops in that span, costing his team an average of 14 runs a year with the leather during that period.

4) Francis Bacon would have agreed.

5) Tom Tango of The Hardball Times wrote an essay about how awful Jeter’s defense is, and I believe it’s in the 2008 edition of their book. However, I can’t find it online, so here’s BP’s summation:

[W]ith Jeter on the field the shortstop makes an out on 11.6 percent of balls in play. However, when looking at all pitchers that Jeter has played behind when pitching with other shortstops on the field, the rate goes up to 12.5 percent—that’s a difference of 38 plays over a full season, and the second-worst mark for a regular shortstop in baseball, behind only [Michael] Young. Tango then does likewise controlling for batters (Jeter is 25 plays worse, fourth from the bottom), a runner on first base (11 plays worse, ahead of only Felipe Lopez), and park (18 plays worse, ranking in the bottom half).

And yet, somehow, the people with the microphones just refuse to believe the evidence that is staring them in the face. When I was watching some Red Sox Spring Training coverage over the weekend, there was NESN’s Tom Caron chatting it up with the Boston Globe’s Nick Cafardo. The two of them just went on and on about how great Jeter is on defense, and how you can make stats prove anything, and how only lame homer Red Sox fans don’t “respect” Jeter (as if “respect” is synonymous with “think his defense is really great, even when it’s clearly not”). They even claimed Jeter’s defensive ability is actually just really clutch (oh, is that what they’re calling it these days? those crazy kids!). Cafardo kept talking about Jeter’s skills ‘after the seventh inning,’ as if Jeter is just keeping all his defensive range in reserve for those close-and-late situations. Even worse, to cap it all off, they finished up the segment by showing a clip of Jeter with the Gold Glove trophy and saying, “Well, Jeter has the hardware and you can’t argue with that, ha ha!” I would posit that one actually can argue with that, as I hope I have just effectively demonstrated.

I respect Derek Jeter. I respect his ability to reliably hit .300 with moderate power. I respect his ability to sell flavored water on TV. I respect his dimples.

I just think his defense sucks.

C.J. Wilson has gone and pissed off his teammates. It turns out they don’t like being depicted as ignorant and selfish. Now how was he supposed to know that?

Wilson started by giving a quote to ESPN’s Jeff Pearlman, who was writing a story about why baseball players don’t care about the 2008 presidential election.

Pearlman’s thesis: “…while ballplayers are bound both by their disparate backgrounds and an uncompromised love of the game, they are also united by one not-so-great characteristic: political indiference.”

Wilson is the exception to this rule. He does care about politics. And he’s bummed that none of his teammates do.

“It’s frustrating,” says C.J. Wilson, the 27-year-old Texas relief pitcher. “I’d say there are two reasons. One, there’s a general lack of education among us. But two — and most important — you’re talking about a population that makes a ton of money, so the ups and downs of the economy don’t impact whether we’re getting paid. Therefore, we often don’t care.”

In saying “we,” Wilson is speaking about nearly every Ranger — except himself. A free-thinking Californian with an appreciation for Obama, a dislike of Bush, a hatred of the Clintons, a detestation of SUVs, and a longing for a grass-roots political movement that would truly represent the needs of the people, Wilson stares blankly when asked who among his teammates he can talk with about Decision ‘08.

“No one,” he says. “I keep it to myself.”

Predictably, Pearlman’s story and in particular Wilson’s comments rubbed some people the wrong way. Rangers pitcher Brandon McCarthy responded by posting a long comment on the Rangers blog Lone Star Ball, saying, “I’d be willing to bet that come late summer and early fall when the race really heats up, that there will be political conversation to be found in MLB clubhouses.”

This is about the time where Wilson decided he couldn’t leave well enough alone. Instead of just letting the story fade away, he praised McCarthy’s comment and added:

Come on man you have to admit the median or average guy in a baseball clubhouse does drive an SUV, drinks beer, golfs, likes college sports, chews or dips tobacco and is relatively a douchebag.

I’m guessing it was the douchebag label that was the final straw for his teammates. And so today we have a story in the Dallas Morning News where Michael Young tells us he “had a very direct talk with (Wilson).”

All of this hubbub got me thinking, who is this C.J. Wilson? Who is this misunderstood character who only wants a sounding board for his personal political opinions?

Let’s go to the series of tubes to find out.

From C.J.’s blog:

Texas Rangers relief pitcher, uses blue glove against advice of most peers and fearlessly wilts lefties and righties with fastballs/sliders/curveballs/gyros/ cutters/changeups/forkballs.

…

Hobbies:

Guitar, Writing, Film, Traveling, Surfing, Auto Racing, Cycling, Martial Arts, Cooking.

That’s all cool stuff. Gotta respect a guy who’s into both auto racing and martial arts.

From C.J.’s Wikipedia page:

C.J. is a devoted Taoist and also adheres to a “Straight Edge” way of life (in which one abstains from alcohol, illegal drugs, and promiscuous sex in order to maintain a healthy and poison-free body). As a sign of his choice and pride of being Straight Edge, C.J. has the words “Straight Edge” tattooed along the length of his torso, Japanese characters on his shoulder that read “Poison Free” and “XXX” stitched on his glove as a straight edge symbol.

Dude. I mean, like … dude!

Here are some photos of Wilson, because while Wikipedia pages and blogs are awesome, you know how many words they say a picture is worth (answer: EXTREME number of words!).

This picture is two years old. CJ, it appears, is a big fan of driving fast. And making silly faces.

This is a CJ self portrait, which I imagine was taken with the aid of a web cam. Here he’s showing off his “new mohawk mullet haircut thing.” The verdict? Tubular.

CJ playing cricket in England. They teach him a new game, he teaches them about the soul patch. Seems like a fair trade to me.

CJ takes the soul patch to Italy. The soul patch, in turn, begins to take control of his brain. Which maybe explains the whole calling the average ballplayer a “douchebag” thing.

I can’t decide if today feels like Monday (endless and drab) or like Friday (haven’t I been at work long enough already this week?). But either way, I think it calls for some good lunchtime readin’.

Bill James has a piece over at Slate about why he “loved, and then grew tired of” Craig Biggio. Poor Craig Biggio. Cast off like an old shoe by his trusted paramour!

Rays Index rails against these Barry-Bonds-to-Tampa rumors.

It might be time for Kyle Lohse to write a personal ad like this one, posted at A Fan’s View from Section 220, a Star Tribune blog, since he’s no doubt feeling just as AOL’s The Fanhouse suggests in this diary entry entitled, “Why Doesn’t Anybody Love Me?” It’s not the first sign of Scott Boras losing his magic touch this winter, but it’s Kyle who could end up sleeping alone.

Fire Joe Morgan presents a day in the life of a VORPy.

I really enjoyed this piece by Rob Bradford at the Boston Herald, who interviewed JD Drew about his struggles last year and got a surprising explanation: he was just following in Big Papi’s footsteps.

One More Dying Quail hops on the ever-expanding Rays bandwagon. Full disclosure: this morning, I filed a column for the Boston Metro on just how awesome the Rays are going to be this year (and next year, and the year after that). I do believe the Tampa Bay Rays have now out-hyped Barack Obama.

Speaking of Tampa Bay jumping the shark, what is it about that team and marine life? Check out the giant hammerhead reeled in by reliever Scott Dohman over at The Big Lead.

Finally, Brock for Brolio has a list of the top 101 baseball blogs — and Umpbump is No. 12. Word.

Less than one year ago, Mark Kotsay’s wife Jamie was still a mystery, a legendarily hot baseball wife whose pictures were so rare that her hotness remained largely unknown and unworshipped. But UmpBump.com changed all that last spring when we used our insane ninja skills to bring you the largest collection of Jamie Kotsay pictures ever assembled in one place.

But now we are upping the ante.

That’s right, thanks to a source who wishes to remain anonymous, we now present to you a collection of scans from Jamie Kotsay’s modeling days which have never before been seen anywhere on the internets. Ever. Until now!

Is Jamie Kotsay really the hottest baseball wife of them all? Decide for yourself:

(Pictures continue after the jump)

Read the rest of this entry »

The Florida Marlins are holding tryouts for a fat guy dance team.

From the AJC:

The Florida Marlins are looking for some footloose fat men. The National League team is creating an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad to be dubbed the Manatees. Tryouts were scheduled for Sunday.

The team hopes to recruit seven to 10 tubby men to dance, cheer and jiggle during Friday and Saturday home games this season.

Real manatees, 1,200-pound mammals sometimes referred to as “sea cows,” are not considered the most agile of creatures and often get caught in boat propellers.

I thought the fat guy dance team was a funny idea when the Chicago Bulls tried it. Plus, in Chicago it made sense. Chicago is famous for its fat guys. The Bulls’ troup reminded everybody of that great SNL skit with Chris Farley and George Wendt.

A team’s in-game entertainment should reflect the city’s local culture. Pittsburgh, which is famous for it pierogies, has a pierogi race. Philadelphia, which is famous for its cruel fans, has…cruel fans.

Miami is not famous for fat people. Quite the opposite. So I just don’t get this gimmick.

I will give them this, though: Manatees is a great name for a fat guy dance troup.

Spring Training is like the first day of school—everyone shows up with a new ‘do. Judging by the hair on display in Fort Myers last week, the Red Sox are in no danger of losing their place as the hairiest team in MLB. So many players showed up to camp in need of serious barbering, I just couldn’t decide which was most ridiculous. In fact, Manny’s famous dredlocks look downright mundane next the tonsorial disasters of….

…David Ortiz, who is wearing a headband, and whose chinstrap looks like someone’s butt….

…Daisuke Mulletsuzaka…

….and Coco “down in front!” Crisp.

Help me decide, UmpBumpers! Whose hair is the most preposterous?

more at twiigs.com…

Nothing says “I want to stay here” and “I want to finish my career here” like going out and hiring Scott Boras as your agent, right?Oh Manny, you so crazy!

All the talk in Boston this weekend is about our two centerfielders. There’s no debate among the Fenway Faithful as to who should get the job; Coco Crisp has had two years to establish himself in the position, and has failed to do so. Jacoby Ellsbury came up big in the pennant race, and proved himself such a spark plug that manager Terry Francona had no choice but to keep playing him—especially after Coco posted a .182 average in the postseason.

We feel for Coco, no doubt. We know a broken finger can really mess with a guy’s swing, and we love to watch him fling himself all over the outfield. But at the end of the day, Covelli Loyce Crisp did not live up to our (admittedly high) expectations. Coco’s last two years in Cleveland looked like this:

139 G/15 HR/.297 AVG/.344 OBP/.446 SLG/.790 OPS
145 G/ 16 HR/.300 AVG/.345 OBP/.465 SLG/.810 OPS

His two years in Boston? Like this:

105 G/8 HR/.264 AVG/.317 OBP/.385 SLG/.702 OPS
145 G/6 HR/.268 AVG/.330 OPB/.382 SLG/.712 OPS

Even though Boston’s fourth outfielder is likely to get at least fifty starts with Manny Ramirez and J.D. Drew at the corners, Coco is a professional and wants the starting job. And naturally, so does Ellsbury. Yet despite Coco’s stated preference for a trade over a bench role, the media circus swirling around them, and the mutually exclusive desires of both, there seem to be no hard feelings between the two. In fact, they seem nigh inseparable….

They warm up together…

They run sprints together…

They talk about gloves together…

Bert and Ernie even sign autographs together!

Schlemiel, Schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!