mygiant.JPGReading our very own Sarah Green’s “What They Need” post regarding the AL East, I noticed one glaring omission that Sarah failed to address when it came to the New York Yankees. In addition to a “scary starting pitcher”, this was a team that was clearly lacking in one key area that needed to be rectified if they were to have a prayer of winning the division: an aging comedian who turned Gheorghe Muresan into the budding movie star we know today.

This all changed yesterday when the Bombers signed the soon-to-be-60-years-old Billy Crystal to a one-day minor league contract. So what kind of player can Yankee fans expect to see? Here’s a detailed scouting report on Crystal:

William Jacob “Billy” Crystal

Age: 59 Height: 5’7″ Bats: S Throws: R

Background: Crystal is an exciting prospect who batted .348 for Long Beach High School… in 1966. He enrolled at Marshall University on a baseball scholarship but never played a game, possibly due to his propensity to mimic old Jewish men. Claims to be a huge Yankees fan but inexplicably wore Mets hat throughout “City Slickers“.

Strengths: Originally a right-handed batter, but impressively switched to the left side while filming the batting cage scene in “When Harry Met Sally” so director Rob Reiner could get both Crystal and Bruno Kirby in a single camera frame. Judging by Kirby’s habit of popping everything up directly above him even when batting from his natural right side, it was assumed that no one wanted to see him him lefty. If you ever entered a tag-team Mickey Mantle trivia contest, you’d want Billy Crystal as your partner. His inner strength and fortitude are off the charts, proven by his garth_brooks2.jpgability to withstand being onstage with both Whoopi Goldberg and Robin Williams for an extended period of time.

Weaknesses: Has no position. Occasionally doesn’t know when to say “no”, as shown by the inexplicably horrible “Father’s Day“. Has trouble with curveballs down and in.

Top Comparables: Garth Brooks, Chris Gaines

9 Responses to “Scouting Report: Billy Crystal”

  1. Sarah Green says:

    The smack of leather on leather? Sounds like a good Valentine’s Day, indeed!

  2. Dear god, please have a clay v. joba pitching duel this year

  3. Sarah Green says:

    Crystal is a gamer!

  4. Coley Ward says:

    You totally ignored his intangibles! Damned statheads!

  5. I’m just wondering what that Mickey Mantle card he’s had in his wallet for the last 45 years or so looks like about now….

  6. Paul Moro says:

    Coley, I made it a point to address his “inner strength and fortitude”. Exactly how many more specific intangibles can one man possess???

    Andrew, I’m guessing that the card is now contoured to the shape of the man’s arse.

  7. Sarah Green says:

    Paul, you clearly overlooked other, well-defined intangibles. In addition to inner strength and fortitude, ten popular intangibilities include:

    1. Grit
    2. Guttiness
    3. Gamerishness
    4. Clubhouse presence
    5. Charisma
    6. Leadership (for veterans)
    7. Spark-pluggishness (for rookies)
    8. Blue collar makeup
    9. Heart
    10. Nobility of mien

  8. Paul Moro says:

    There’s also “Country Strong”. And “Stick-to-it-tiveness”. Otherwise, your list is impeccable.

  9. Sarah Green says:

    We might also need to throw in “big-bodied Texan.”

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