Update below

Some time last year, during the first few weeks of the season, I marveled at the White Sox rotation and their strong start. At first, I figured it was the natural course of things, this very rotation had been the cornerstone for the White Sox World Championship in 2005. But then I realized a common trend with the starters, something that helped me piece the puzzle of the natural mystique of UFH.

Fast-forward one year and with four games, and a 2-2 record, the White Sox pitching staff have once again defied the boundaries of what is UFH. On this occasion however, it isn’t the starters, it’s the relievers.

The UmpBump staffers jumped at the sight of one Boone Logan and quickly inquired as to why I hadn’t exposed this culprit of UFHness; but as I told them, Logan was always on a sea-saw between the minors and the big leagues, so though I knew he was an arm in the ChiSox pen, I rarely saw him pitch.

But then, I saw it.

Boone Logan’s unfortunate facial hair

At first, Logan’s chin-fro comes across as some kind of weird rite of passage he’s imposed on himself now that he’s a full-time major leaguer (this is how he looks in his official MLB headshot), and I shrugged it off as a typical violation of UFH section (3) code (2): Chin hair cannot, under any circumstance, exceed 1 (one) inch in length.

But then, as I saw Bobby Jenks notch his first two saves of the season, I became convinced there is a UFH conspiracy in the White Sox relief corps.



It’s obvious there’s some kind of hierarchy at work here. Jenks being the closer, he gets to sport the golden chin-fro, and Logan being the noob only gets the traditional job. So far, I haven’t been witness to any other White Sox relievers committing this UFH crime, but rest assured, I’ll hunt them down if they do.

Update: Trusty loyal reader melissa pointed out int he comments that one Nick Swisher has also been spotted sporting golden chin hairs, and now we have the evidence. It appears Swisher first committed a minor UFH offense by simply gilding his soul patch, but evidently, he couldn’t keep himself from indulging in complete UFH debauchery.



We must put a stop to these hideous UFH crimes!

11 Responses to “The natural mystique of UFH, part 2: White Sox bullpen”

  1. melissa says:

    It’s not just the pitchers. Swisher has the soul patch part of his goatee dyed blond unlike the rest of his beard. It looks like a calico cat is sitting on his chin.

  2. Sarah Green says:

    “If they do,” Alejandro? “If”?! Surely this is not a matter of “if” but “when.”

    What’s really sad about Boone is that he used to be hot, before his chin became engulfed with hair. Behold:


    How, how the mighty have fallen.

  3. Alejandro Leal says:

    Ah, that explains Swisher’s mediocre . 214 BA. But what’s with me and missing this?

    I gotta play closer attention to my computer screen!

  4. melissa says:

    The blond patch is kind of hard to see unless they do a close up of his face. I would hate to say you let it slip past you because that is not pretty imagery. It doesn’t stand out and I had to do a double take to figure out what it was the first time I noticed it. I would imagine it grows out in a hurry, so he may not keep it for long. Logan’s look is very reminiscent of Matt Clement, not a good thing.

  5. Nick Kapur says:

    Yeah, that’s true, Melissa. We all know only too well what happened to Matt Clement.

  6. Check out Toby Hall, the backup catcher. He’s got a bleached strip with the goatee. Very odd.

  7. good eye, tom

    Alright, that’s it. We got a serious UFH outbreak here, people.

  8. Sarah Green says:

    I can only conclude that this was some sort of team hazing ritual and/or friendly all-roster wager.

  9. It all started with Dustin Hermanson a couple years ago I bet

  10. They should be charged with UFH crimes against humanity. Swisher has taken it to a new level, that’s just wrong. Maybe he’s going out of his way to get noticed since he’s new in town. If he goes to restaurants and bars they will immediately recognize him as a baseball player because no normal guy could disfigure themselves in that manner and still get laid.

  11. I can’t knock any of it, as I have a goat longer than Boone Logan’s (dyed Padres blue) and I hail from Nick Swisher’s hometown of Parkersburg, WV.

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