I’m worried because I’ve heard rumors of a suicidal* bear. I’m worried because I’m in New York while this particular grizzly lives in Fresno, California so I can’t see for myself what’s going on. But here’s what I know.
Last Monday, the front office executives of the San Francisco Giants AAA-affiliate, the Fresno Grizzlies, received a note. It appeared that just a few short days before the Grizzlies were to host their first home game of the season, their mascot, Parker, went ballistic.
Pack the house on Opening Day or else. Or something a little less threatening.
Again, I don’t live anywhere near Fresno, so I’ve been relying on the internets to send me information on the status of Parker and his mental well-being. Thus far? Silence.
I’ve been checking Fresno’s game reports every day for the past few days, but not a mention of the attendance at the games nor Parker’s current whereabouts. I can only assume that the lack of information means that Parker’s desperate plea went unheeded, and the crowds did not arrive. Which means that Parker must still be on top of that building. For the eighth day in a row.
Oh the humanity.
So to the front office executives of the Fresno Grizzlies, please let me know what’s happening to Parker. Is someone feeding him? Does he have any books to read? Has he given up yet and thus begun making less difficult demands like asking for tickets to a Jimmy Buffett concert?
I need to know. Thank you.
*Despite the fact that the press release corresponding to this never states that Parker is suicidal, let’s read between the lines, people. This is a bear looking to off himself.