They say laws are like sausages: you never want to see them being made.

Allow me to add a third item to that list: mustaches.

Granted, there is no facial hairstyle that rivals the mustache for pure machismo or sex appeal (see: Selleck, Brimley, Daulerio). But while a fully-formed mustache is a thing of beauty, a mustache in the works is a scary and unnerving phenomenon.

Take Eric Byrnes new ‘stache, for example. It is truly Unfortunate Facial Hair.

Eric Byrnes

More Eric Byrnes

As you can see, the mustache is still in development and is rather awkward. Simply put, this fruit is not yet ripe.

Why would anybody do this to his face?

“I have not shaved since we started peeling off those wins,” Byrnes said. “And, coincidentally, I started hitting, so put the two of them together and the mustache isn’t going anywhere. As long as we keep winning or I keep getting hits, this mustache is staying.”

Ok, that’s legit. As Crash Davis would say, “you have to respect the streak.” But let me submit that the proper way to grow a mustache is to first grow a beard and then shave off all of one’s facial hair, excepting the hair above the upper lip. Ladies love the five o’clock shadow. And the full beard is a look that says, “I’m ready for the playoffs, even in April.”

What Byrnes has done – growing only the mustache and shaving the rest of his face hair – is just wrong. Fans shouldn’t have to endure this in-between period. We’ll be ready to embrace the ‘stache when it is really and truly ready for prime time, but we shouldn’t have to see how the sausage is made.

8 Responses to “UFH: Eric Byrnes’ streak ‘stache”

  1. Thanks for your first edit, Sarah. It’s not like i *don’t* root for the phillies, after all. Which brings me to your second edit, to which i can only respond, back off! find another team for your insulting similes.

  2. And here I was thinking I got in because I was a commissioner of a 12 team league.
    Thanks for the invite…
    oh I’m a Mets fan!

  3. Paul Moro says:

    You’re a good man, Doug.

    By the way, I’ve also been known to do great impressions of Frank Caliendo. Immediately recognizable and unmistakable.

  4. Thanks for recognizing the wisdom of booing Dusty Baker.

    Say, what are the settings for this league. I would like to prepare a little.

  5. caitlin grace says:

    thanks for selecting me, looking forward to it, keep me posted on the details

  6. Hey, I just noticed that I’m the last pick. This makes me that kid from the playground picks back in school.

    You know that last kid no one wants but they have to take just to even up the teams.

  7. Nick Kapur says:

    Maybe he’s going for the classic “Cary Elwes” look, circa The Princess Bride

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