Talking about Clemens, 15-year-old girls, and laptops.

Yesterday, Paul sent an email to the Umpbump staff, announcing the day’s big news: Newsday was reporting that Roger Clemens was banging a country singer. The following is the contents of the resulting email thread.

Sarah: WHOAH! This is huge! Peter Gammons has, I think, touted Clemens as the ultimate faithful husband when all his teammates were sleeping with groupies!

Coley: Sarah, can you track down that Peter Gammons article? I think that would be something people would find interesting.

Sarah: You know, i may have been mistaken about that. I read later that it was Canseco who said that in his book…so while I do have this memory of hearing it from the lips of P-Gam, he may only have been repeating the words of Canseco. Or I just screwed up who said it in my mind, making this the first time anyone has ever confused Peter Gammons with Jose Canseco. Either way, I don’t think Gammons put it in an article. I think he was just talking. But they did write a book together back in the 80s.

Sarah: Also, this guy is a total douchebag. It’s a huge non story?!?! What planet is he on?

Paul: All Wallace Matthews ever does is complain. He’s one of the top examples of why mainstream NYC sports media sucks. Well, him and Mike & the Maddog.

Sarah: This may be my favorite line:

“The fact that she was 15 and he 28? Well, that one is a little tougher to get around, but these days, 15 is the new 30.”

Gross, gross, gross!

“With all due respect to my good friends at the New York Daily News, aside from the age of his alleged mistress at the time of their meeting, this is one big non-story, important to all of four people on planet Earth – Mindy McCready, the woman in question; Brian McNamee, who is being sued by Clemens for defamation; and Mr. and Mrs. Roger Clemens of Katy, Texas.”

Right, and Congress! And anyone who read the Mitchell Report! And anyone who watched Clemens’ testimony on television!!!!

And why does he keep talking about Miley Cyrus?! Has she really invaded every last corner of the earth?!?

Coley: Sarah, now that Miley Cirus has been photographed wearing a sheet, it’s now permissable to have sex with 15-year-old girls. Didn’t you hear?

[Scandalous Miley Cyrus photos after the jump. Go on, click it. You know you want to. Perv.]

Paul: Speaking of Miley Cyrus, this is just plain wrong:

Coley: I’m sorry, I just can’t get worked up about the Miley Cirus photos. She’s wearing a sheet, which is suggestive, for sure. But that’s still way more fabric than most 15-year-olds wear to the mall. And the picture with her dad is a little weird, but it’s more lame than weird. They’re fully clothed. There’s nothing inherently sexual about it. I think the people who are upset need to get a life.

I feel bad for Billy Ray. What’s he supposed to do when his 15-year-old pop star daughter tells him she wants to pose for a picture wearing a sheet? Is he going to say no? She’s a billionaire! She makes over $1 million a concert! She’ll do whatever the hell she wants! And if he doesn’t like it, she’ll just a buy a new hillbilly dad.

As for Matthews, I kind of understand where he is coming from. From his standpoint, we’ve learned two things about Clemens this year: he used steroids and he cheated on his wife. In otherwords, he was pretty much the same as every other baseball player who played during the last 30 years. On the other hand, I don’t understand why Matthews feels bad for Clemens. I mean, Clemens brought this on himself.

Sarah: Clemens is a victim, Ward. Think of him all alone in his house, with nothing to do but count his awards and his money because of his own greed and bloated sense of entitlement. This is Sophoclean stuff!

I’m not shocked that he cheated on his wife. I’m shocked that he had sex with a high school sophomore. (I don’t believe for a second that he conveniently waited until she was 18, as some reports have intimated.)

Coley: Remember when Clemens went on 60 Minutes and said he would submit to a lie-detector test? I’m ready for him to take that test now. I think that would be pretty sweet.

Paul: Coley, you’re right on most counts. Using PEDs and infidelity was basically a rite of passage. Obviously not saying that I personally condone those things, but that appears to have been the predominating culture among the players. For me, it’s schadenfreude. And I suspect it’s the same for many. We like it when hypocrisy is exposed. It’s a character flaw on our parts.

Coley: I can’t figure out what’s creepier: Clemens sleeping with a 15-year-old, or Clemens befriending a 15-year-old girl in a bar, mentoring her until she turns 18 and then sleeping with her.

I mean, sleeping with 15-year-olds happens. Remember the movie Old School, when Luke Wilson discovers that Elisha Cuthbert, who he slept with the night before, is not only 15-years-old, but also his boss’s daughter? That was hilarious!

Paul: Coley, I suggest you delete this e-mail from your hard drive as quickly as possible. This is evidence for WHEN police raid your home after you “mistakenly” bed a fifteen-year old in the future. If it “happens” like you say it does, then, my friend, I can’t help you.

Also, “Old School” is so freaking overrated.

Coley: I agree that Old School is overrated. Though I love the scene at the beginning of the movie, when Vince Vaughn is trying to dissuade Will Farrel from getting married.

“Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations to you then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank. Way to work it through.”

Paul: On an unrelated note, does anyone know where i can buy decent laptops on the cheap? i’m still sans a personal computer (now it’s been determined that the whole thing burned out).

Sarah: I used to have an old IBM Thinkpad. I loved that thing. It weighed 40 lbs but it almost never had problems. One day it totally shat the bed, but my amazing dad fixed it by sticking it in the fridge for a few hours (turned out, it had overheated). Finally, he convinced me to get a new computer. (It was in the twilight of its career, you might say.) I was sad, but I agreed.

The moment my back was turned, he replaced the hard drive and the keyboard (on which the letters had worn off after years of use), completely reinstalled everything, and gave it to my cousin. It still works great, and it’s almost 10 years old.

Now I have a new Dell that is like the Carl Pavano of laptops—expensive, and there’s always something going wrong.