Write Your Own Caption: Padilla Shows Swisher Who’s Boss

24 Responses to “Write Your Own Caption: Padilla Shows Swisher Who’s Boss”

1. Tommy Says:
   April 1st, 2008 at 12:57 pm

   “I Throw the Damn Thing as Hard as I Can”

   Well, now, that’s just good ol’ Texas logic.

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2. coley Says:
   April 1st, 2008 at 1:13 pm

   This contest was rigged from the start. Sarah = East German judge.

   Josh Beckett wins? Let’s take a second look.

   Beckett is on the cover of Men’s Fitness. Meanwhile, in the real world, HE’S ON THE DL! Why? Because his back hurts. Why does his back hurt? Probably from carrying around that beer gut he developed over the offseason.

   Also, that shirt/chain combo is horrible. If you’ve got a beer gut, you can’t wear spandex. Period. Look how hard Becks is trying to suck in his gut — and it’s just not enough!

   Beckett’s cover shot says, “we airbrushed and tanned him and we still couldn’t hide the fact that he’s fat and has TERRIBLE taste is fashion.”

   Contrast that to A-Rod’s cover. Beckett and Jeter get cut off at the waist. Not A-Rod. We get all of him. And he’s all-natural, regardless of what Mr. Jose Canseco might say. I mean, look at this cover! Natural light. Natural quadriceps. Natural biceps. You want to see some balls that aren’t shrunken by steroids? We’ve got ‘em right here. You can’t miss ‘em!

   I say A-Rod wins, in a landslide.

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3. Sarah Green Says:
   April 1st, 2008 at 2:14 pm

   Coley, even if you actually like the prominent display of A-Rod’s junk, as you seem to be intimating you do, there’s still his sourpuss little face! Not to mention the indisputable fact that he is on Men’s Vogue, a publication that should never have been invented.

   If I were handing out grades, I’d say Beckett gets an A for his lettin’ it all hang out cover. He doesn’t look good, but he also doesn’t give a sh*t. Plus, he throws the damn thing as hard as he can! Jeter gets an A-, largely because of the Men’s Health editors and their stupid “clutch” headline. But A-Rod gets a D. He couldn’t look like more of a tool if he tried, and the Men’s Vogue editors are only partly to blame.

   And if I’m an East German judge where the Sox are concerned, you are a French figure skating judge when it comes to the Yanks.

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4. Coley Ward Says:
   April 1st, 2008 at 3:02 pm

   I actually like the A-Rod cover — junk and all. I like that they shot it outside. Positioning him next to the water, in navy and white…it’s like he’s in the Navy. It’s like the mag is saying, “We know who the REAL captain of the ship is.” Though, you’re right, it wouldn’t kill him to smile.

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5. Sarah Green Says:
   April 1st, 2008 at 4:05 pm

   I didn’t think of the Navy reference, but you’re right, Coley. Unfortunately, this only makes the entire proceedings seem even more ambiguously gay.

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6. Brian Sadecki Says:
   April 1st, 2008 at 4:25 pm

   Is Beckett wearing that new underarmor girdle I’ve been hearing about?

   And I thought making a sourpuss made you intimidating in the ninth inning.

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7. Sarah Green Says:
   April 1st, 2008 at 4:47 pm

   They clearly should have put Beckett in a shirt just a little more cowboy and nixed the jewelry. But as for the face, don’t confuse a dominating pitcher’s stare with a bitchy little pout. There’s definitely a difference, as Mr. Jay Manuel could no doubt elucidate better than I.

   A-Rod should have gone with Blue Steel.

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8. Brian Sadecki Says:
   April 1st, 2008 at 10:38 pm

   If Dennis Miller and Diablo Cody had a baby and then dropped it in a vat of references, Sarah Green would emerge spouting Urkle quotes.

   Oh god, Jack Cust just hit a homerun. He’s handsome.

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9. melissa Says:
   April 1st, 2008 at 11:18 pm

   Why does A-Rod go to the beach in his uni? And what does he do with his bat when he gets there? This guy needs to hire a new image consultant because he is just weird. I’ve never seen such a good looking guy look so awkward so often. I’m starting to think he may be an android.

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10. V Says:
    April 2nd, 2008 at 9:56 pm

    Um… all I saw was Josh Beckett and the no doubt true statement “The Best Sex You’ll Ever Have”.. pshaw, indeed!

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11. Giambi's Thyroid Says:
    April 2nd, 2008 at 11:22 pm

    Where is the cover shot of Beckett from Boston Drunken Douchebag Weekly?

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12. jetersbabii Says:
    April 2nd, 2008 at 11:28 pm

    Jeter’s looks are declining and he looks like a bad version of a gay guy. Jeter is just plain butt ugly and his hairline is ridiculous. The herpes has gotten to old Jeter. Arod looks nice with a nice body and Becket looks okay too.

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13. Javier Mendez Says:
    April 2nd, 2008 at 11:44 pm

    I like looking at A-Rod’s crotch, as do a lot of people. The dude is still hot as hell, so why not have him flaunt his sex appeal?

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14. V Says:
    April 3rd, 2008 at 7:49 am

    Giambi\’s Thyroid: haven\’t seen “Slick” on the cover of anything for quite a while. Although I’m sure he’s probably in some local Vegas hometown publications over the off season, no doubt, ie: Community Service Award, donating to local strippers and their families.. etc.

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15. Sooze Says:
    May 3rd, 2008 at 9:41 pm

    This photo was snapped shortly before Nick Swisher’s girlfriend dumped him.

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16. Sarah Green Says:
    May 3rd, 2008 at 10:27 pm

    Swisher: Just a little more to the left.

    Padilla: Wow, it’s really tight. Have you tried Pilates?

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17. Lyndsay Says:
    May 4th, 2008 at 12:24 am

    “I still don’t know how you and Pie are getting your nuts twisted around like that…I mean, I make a lot of web gems, but this is just ridiculous.”

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18. Lyndsay Says:
    May 4th, 2008 at 12:32 am

    Swisher: “for the last time, dude, this is NOT how the Nolan Ryan-Robin Ventura fight went down!”

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19. Doug Says:
    May 4th, 2008 at 4:40 am

    Hold still, you getting this nookie!

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20. Will Says:
    May 5th, 2008 at 12:59 am

    Now you know what last place smells like!

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21. Tommy Says:
    May 5th, 2008 at 11:16 am

    “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? I DON’T HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM!”

    Oh, scratch that actually. That’s not funny at all.

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22. Ben Says:
    May 5th, 2008 at 11:19 am

    We really should have tried to keep this relationship a secret.

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23. sully Says:
    May 5th, 2008 at 10:43 pm

    And thats where you’ll find the T’Aint.

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24. Emma Says:
    August 11th, 2008 at 11:15 pm

    Nick Swisher is obviously not gay.

    But I think it’s hilarious how everyone is referring to him as gay when there is a Jonas Brothers picture right below the description of the picture, hahaha.

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