Another week of matchups has come and gone in UmpBump’s head-to-head fantasy league. Must be time for our weekly rundown of who’s helping us out and who’s kicking us to the curb.

Sarah: Say what you will about the managerial style of Joe Torre—and here at UmpBump, we have—but I would like to take a minute and thank that good man for putting on the double steal so many times last week. I’ve got three young Dodgers on my team, and largely thanks to Torre telling them to run, run, run like the wind, I racked up 10 steals—and would have had 12 if Jacoby Ellsbury had shown up in the lineup before Sunday’s game (he was a last-minute add when David Ortiz was scratched). Nonetheless, I was content as my offense exploded for 44 runs, 58 RBI, and 112 total bases and carried me to a 7-4 win over Coley and back up to third place in our 12-team league. Not bad, considering that my pitchers’ ERAs looked like this: 1.46, 4.50, 4.50, 5.14, 6.00, 6.00, 7.50 12.00, 32.40. I look forward to coughing up the pitching categories for the foreseeable future, as my ace, Yovani Gallardo, tore his ACL bumping into someone. Hey, at least my staff is still better than Detroit’s. Blazingly hot: Matt Kemp Regular hot: Xavier Nady, Russell Martin, Ryan Braun, Matt Cain Tepid-to-cool: Gallardo, Johnny Cueto, Eric Gagne, Kyle Lohse Ice Cold: Troy Glaus.

Coley: These are dark days indeed for the fantasy team. Nevermind that I got beat by Sarah, a fantasy virgin. I got beat by Sarah – a girl! Now I’m in last place, deep in the cold, dark cellar, grasping desperately for a light switch. It’s all very perplexing. Aside from the recent injury to Jorge Posada, my team has been relatively healthy. Many of them are simply underperforming. I don’t know how Carlos Pena managed to hit .287 last year, I really don’t. Because he swings for the fences on every pitch. And what happened to Vlad Guerrero? Does anybody know? Fortunately, Jose Reyes seems on the verge of emerging from his funk. Maybe he could share some positive vibes with his teammate, Oliver Perez, who fell off the map this week. Oh, and I don’t mean to rant, but can somebody explain how I managed to crush Sarah in ERA, WHIP, and K/BB, but lose Wins? Don’t bother, I’ll tell you how: I got one win, and that came from my closer, Brad Lidge. Pathetic. Hot: Brad Lidge Not: the rest of my team.

Alejandro: Another week, another Center Field Stud win. Don’t look now, but a team that was at one point in the very bottom of the standings is suddenly near the happy middle (a place I’ll probably stay at for a good chunk of the season as I’m six games behind 6th place). This week my offense checked in in all six categories, but my pitching continues to be my weak spot. Can’t expect Tim Lincecum to be a stud every week (no wins, but he did manage to rack up 9 Ks and a 2.08 ERA). I picked up Fred Lewis, Emil Brown and Edwin Jackson, hoping to get something good out of them. So far, only Fred Lewis seems to be paying off, though Brown had a couple of games where he seemed unstoppable. Edwin Jackson got smacked around by the Red Sox, but he may rebound so I’ll hang on to him for now. Hot: Connor Jackson, Chipper Jones, Carlos Lee, Aaron Rowand, Magglio Ordoñez, Fred Lewis. Not: A.J. Pierzynski, Dustin Pedroia, Emil Brown, Alex Gordon, Kerry Wood, Edwin Jackson.

Paul: (Just for kicks, I think I’m going to file my fantasy report pretending to be Mr. Jacopo “J” Peterman. So here we go.) Elaine, do you know what it’s like to look up and see nothing? It’s ab-so-lute-ly damning. No mountains to climb, no sky to gaze at, no rufous-bellied eagles to inspire you… When you’ve achieved perfection – total and un-com-pro-mised per-fection – all you can do is sigh. That’s exactly what it’s like being in first place of the fantasy baseball league, Elaine. Here I am, wearing my Mongolian-themed mocassins, knowing full well that this road I travel can only lead me to some place that’s already all too familiar, or worse. Yes, it’s true. ElDuquesInjuryReport was victorious once again this week, vanquishing the comically named Pirates in 08! (how delightfully absurd!). My heroic pitching staff had performed admirably. Why, not even the most accomplished musketeer in all of Hongwu Emperor’s armies could have been more precise! Greg Smith was just brilliant in both of his outings (14 IP, 6H, 3R, 15Ks), and Andy Sonnanstine was equally stellar (8IP, 6H, 1R, 5K) in his lone appearance. And a hearty welcome back to Scott Kazmir. While I was correct to leave you on the bench for your first start of the season, I’ll be counting on you to help lead the club to Xanadu! Hot: Geovany Soto, Andy Sonnanstine, Greg Smith. Not: Jhonny Peralta, Jim Thome, C.C. Sabathia.

4 Responses to “UmpBump’s Week 5 Fantasy Results”

  1. Scott Ball says:

    Apparently, my team has been doing some wall sits because the stress placed on Utley’s Firm Quads by Montefusco’s Revenge wasn’t enough to stop my dynamic duo of Houston infielders and a ridiculous bullpen as the Quads cruised to an 8-3 victory. My overcrowded ‘pen, consisting of Carlos Marmol, Matt Capps, Brandon Lyon, Brian Fuentes, Troy Percival, and Jon Rauch combined to go 19.2 IP, 0 ER, 14 K, 3 BB, 8 SV. Seeing as how my starting pitchers beyond Jake Peavy are somewhat suspect (can Edinson Volquez really keep this up???) I decided a move needed to be made… thus my second trade in the past three weeks. This time I gave up Troy Percival straight up to Sooze (freebase my balls) for Joba Chamberlain, hoping that with Phil Hughes hurt and Ian Kennedy sucking so bad, those “idiots” will make the young Yankees hurler with a career 4.33 K/BB ratio Joba the Starter before too long. I continue to reside in second place, two games back from Paul with a big matchup with third place Sarah this week. Sarah, you’re going down like my high school prom date after two fuzzy navels and a shot of Malibu rum!

    HOT: My aforementioned bullpen, but especially Marmol (4.2 IP, 0.00 ERA, 0.21 WHIP, 7 K), Lance Berkman and Miguel Tejada (and to think, after two weeks I tried to shop these two around for a bunch of guys, including Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder, and Ryan Howard! I’m glad nobody bit on those offers!), Carlos Quentin, Ichiro Suzuki (6 SB in his last 4 games, finally doing those Ichiro-esque things).

    COLD: Derek Lowe (2 starts with 0 W, 8 ER, 5 K, and 5 BB ain’t gonna get it done), J.R. Towles (.143 OBP and 0 R in a week is atrocious; in fact, I have already dropped him and picked up Chris Snyder off the FA pool. I guess you could say I threw in the Towles.)

  2. A promising offensive outburst early in the week led to high hopes for relief from the doldrums; but alas the wind died down mid-week and I was left drifting aimlessly towards another big loss. To make matters worse my heretofore potent pitching staff took the week off.

    I know my team is better than the results so far. It’s a long season so there is plenty of time for the winds to pick up again, fill the sails, and chart a course that will decrease the discrepancy between current and ideal performance.

    “Iiii’m saaaiillling awayyyyyy…”

    Hot: Curtis Granderson, Javier Vazquez, Joakim, Soria. Not: Jeff Keppinger (time to move on?), Ken Griffey, Randy Johnson, Rafael Betancourt, James Shields.

  3. Sarah Green says:

    Scott, I decline to go down in said fashion, just as I declined those horrible trade offers you were offering me last week. Please, two old-ass closers for Justin Verlander? (Now, the old-ass closers for Yovani Gallardo? In hindsight, that was a deal I should have taken.)

    And for the record, girlfriend drinks single malt.

  4. Lyndsay says:

    wow – I could even picture that last part in J-Peterman’s voice. excellent.

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