About six weeks ago, I suddenly realized what I wanted to do with my summer vacation: drive around the steamy-hot Carolinas with gas at $4.50 a gallon in a 10-year old Nissan Sentra with a bad muffler, an air conditioner that smells like something died in it (but only for the first couple minutes of use), and an engine that’s making a sound like a bird trapped in a tin can.

In other words, PURE AWESOMENESS.

Why, you ask, is this pure awesomeness? Because I will be tootling from ballpark to ballpark, bearing witness to the unspoilt beauty and unfettered fun of minor league baseball. With your help, and after many a happy hour of noodling around on the interwebs when I should have been doing better things, I have narrowed down my original list of 29 teams to a more manageable 13 contenders:

Greensboro Grasshoppers (A)

Hickory Crawdads (A)

Durham Bulls (AAA)

Asheville Tourists (A)

Greenville Drive (A)

Zebulon Mudcats (AA)

Myrtle Beach Pelicans (A)

Lynchburg Hillcats (A)

Tennessee Smokies (AA)

Chattanooga Lookouts (AA)

Johnson City Cardinals (Rookie)

Forest City Owls (CPL)

Fayetteville Swampdogs (CPL)

Like a big dork, I mapped out all the localities on this custom Google Map:

I still won’t get to all of these teams, but at least we’re now entering the realm of the possible. Any advice about pretty roads to drive, great places to eat, cheap places to stay, or ways to cut this list down a little more are, of course, appreciated. Leave ‘em in the comments or email me!

Nick: Wow, shoving front office types to the ground appears to be becoming quite popular!

Paul: wasn’t george costanza the yankees’ traveling secretary? or was he the assistant to the traveling secretary?

Coley: I’m pretty sure he was the assistant to the traveling secretary. Though this latest Manny being Manny incident does seem like it was ripped from a Seinfeld episode.

Sarah: Manny certainly has a much hotter temper this year.

Paul: is it wrong for me to say that i hope he and shields go alien vs. predator on each other tonight?

Coley: if hoping that Manny and Shields come to blows is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

Sarah: It’s times like this when I really do miss having Pedro and Trot Nixon on the team.

Paul: well, the mets currently have both. and i kind of wish we didn’t.

Sarah: Oh, yeah. That’s weird. Well, they make a great duo. Pedro will throw at some guy’s head, the guy will charge the mound, and Nixon will sprint all the way in from right field, get there before anyone else does (seriously, he DOES have wheels, but only in fights), and flatten the enraged batter with one punch. Ahhhh, those were the days.

It was lucky Week 13 in the UmpBump Fantasy League. Here’s what befell each of us:

Sarah: The Somerville Green Sox suffered a 9-2 beatdown at the hands of Box89RowKKSeat14, Ania’s team. Although, I have to say, neither of our offenses were very good this week. I only took the RBI category (by a single ribbie) and steals (which I won even though Jacoby Ellsbury hasn’t stolen a base since June 17). Of course, my pitching got lit up again, in what now feels like the norm for the Green Sox, especially Pedro Martinez, by the Yankees, and Matt Cain, by Cleveland. Thank the hardball gods that interleague play is over. Hot: Johnny Cueto, Ian Kinsler, Vernon Wells. Not: Martinez, Cain, Ellsbury, Clayton Kershaw, James Loney, Rickie Weeks.

Paul: This week shouldn’t have been as close a match-up as it ended up being between myself and my fantasy-challenged colleague, Coley Ward. My players racked up a .423 OBP to Coley’s paltry .326 and I won total bases 123-97. Despite this, I still lost runs scored, tied in home runs, and barely won RBIs. So I’m not sure if it was a successful week offensively speaking. It was a mixed bag on the pitching side as well, having a dominant week in my peripheral categories (0.97 WHIP and 3.92 K/BB) but not having those numbers translate into victories in wins or ERA. In short, it was a week that proved the sabermetric axiom regarding sample sizes. No matter how successfully you execute – whether it be by getting on base and hitting for extra bases for batters or walking few and striking out many for pitchers – over a short period of time you may not get the desired result. But if my team can keep dominating those very categories, then I will be just fine over the long haul. Oh, and I ended up winning the week 6-4-2. So… Maybe I shouldn’t be complaining. Hot: David Wright, Adam “I Hate Baseball SO MUCH” Dunn, Matt Holliday, C.C. Sabathia, Justin Duchscherer, Cliff Lee. Not: Greg Smith, Trevor Hoffman, Chris B. Young.

Coley : Paul shouldn’t be complaining. He was lucky I didn’t beat him this week. Josh Hamilton came to the plate yesterday afternoon with the bases loaded and a chance to win the RBI column for the Crunkball All-Stars, but he popped out. And that was ok, because it was still a 3-1 game between the Phillies and the Rangers, still a save situation, and I figured that meant I’d get a save out of either Brad Lidge or C.J. Wilson and I’d win saves for the week. Unfortunately, the Rangers scored three more runs that inning and Wilson came in and pitched in a non-save situation. So Paul, you got lucky. Hot : Mark Teixeira, Jered Weaver, Jair Jurrjens, Dice-K. Not : Chone Figgins, Brett Myers.

Alejandro: I checked the standings early Sunday morning and I found myself down in the count, but definitely not out. I was knocked around all week, was up and down, but kept my head up, and lo and behold, the results are in. My offense surged on its last day and over came the difference for a solid 8-4 victory that places me 4.5 games out of first place. Jermaine Dye (who’s been on a torrid tear) helped the White Sox sweep the Cubs (along side Alexei Ramirez, who’s having a solid season himself). It’ll be a tough week ahead, though, as Chipper Jones and Dan Uggla, and Magglio Ordoñez are hurt. Hot: Hanley Ramirez, Jermaine Dye, Alex Gordon (barely), Josh Beckett, Tim Lincecum, Kerry Wood, B.J. Ryan. Not: Vicente Padilla, Todd Wellemeyer, Eric Chavez, Hunter Pence, A.J. Pierzynski.

Standings (games behind):

1. Paul – ElDuquesInjuryReport ( – )
2. Alejandro – Center Field Stud ( 4.5 )
3. Scott – Utley’s Firm Quads ( 6 )
4. Doug – Swamp Dragons ( 8.5 )
5. Sarah – Somerville Green Sox ( 14.5 )
6. Kirk – Montefusco’s Revenge ( 15 )
7. Ania – Box89RowKKSeat14 ( 20 )
8. Larry – croutchyoldman ( 27.5 )
9. Bryan – Pirates in ‘08! ( 29.5 )
10. Coley – Crunkball All-Stars ( 30 )
11. Caitlin – caitlin grace ( 32.5 )
12. Sooze – freebase my balls ( 34 )

Me and the boyfriend have been apartment-hunting, and are currently on a demoralizing 0-for-21 slide. That’s right, 21 apartments viewed so far and 0 leases to show for it. So, I’m doing what any good manager would do: benching us. Clearly, what is needed here is a day to clear the head. And how better to clear said head than with some good hardball linkage?

First, Baseball Reference’s Stat of the Day blog has a quick take on winning with no hits, as the Dodgers did last night.

SportsbyBrooks weighs in on the issue that wouldn’t die: the unkillable pink Red Sox hat debate.

Towel Drills has the Ozzie Guillen-Lou Piniella “rap” commercial, which I hadn’t seen yet. It’s horrifying, and it makes me grateful that Boston only has one baseball team.

Half Street Blues has the news of a rather interesting (read: desperate) marketing ploy from the offices of the Washington Nationals: today’s first 10,000 fans who bring in any non-Nats baseball merch and trade it for a free Nationals hat, the one with the curly little “W” that looks like a pig’s tail.

In this week’s Metro column, I assess Curt Schilling’s HOF chances.

River Ave. Blues and Blogging the Bombers are both chuckling over today’s oddball Yankee lineup. Oh, that Joey Girardi! He’s such a kidder!

Razzball has an “interview” with “Spike Lee.”

Balls, Sticks, & Stuff has some simple steps to “Phix the Phils.”

“Eyre placed on DL,” begins the headline of this MLB.com piece. Naturally, I supplied the rest in the blink of an eye: “Expected to be out at least six weeks with malnutrition, exposure to typhus, smoke inhalation, and a broken heart. Will return only when Mr. Rochester finally calls.”

Do you often hear ghostly voices crying your name over the lonely moors? Tell me about it!

The Houston Astros are in shambles.

After a hot start, they completely tanked in May and June and are now in a closely-fought battle with the Reds for last place in the 6-team NL Central.

So big changes need to be made.  And they need to start in the front office.

Owner Drayton McLane can’t very well fire himself, but he needs to fire somebody.  With all the indications that manager Cecil Cooper and pitching coach Dewey Robinson have contributed to creating a toxic clubhouse atmosphere, he can start with them, but most of the blame for this putrid team must be laid at the feet of GM Ed Wade.

To be as fair as possible to Wade, he was apparently under strict orders from McLane to field a contender. But what Wade did was take a team in no position to seriously contend, and completely torpedo any vague chance it might have had with a series of atrocious moves.

It’s not like I foresaw this suckage or anything, months ahead of time. Oh wait, I did.

A quick glance at the performance of the guys Wade brought in, compared to the performance of the guys he shipped out, reveals the magnitude of the tranwreck, as all of his major acquisitions have tanked.  Leadoff man Michael Bourn has a .288 on-base percentage and a .600 OPS. Second baseman Kazuo Matsui has an only slightly less abominable .678 OPS. Imported closer Jose Valverde has posted a 4.24 ERA and a 1.42 WHIP. Shawn Chacon added injury to insult by physically assaulting Wade and getting released. And marquee big-name acquisition Miguel Tejada’s .779 OPS is actually 86 points lower than that the main player he was acquired for, Luke Scott.

Meanwhile, Scott has become one of the best hitters on the Orioles, fellow Tejada trade pieces Matt Albers and Dennis Sarfate have been amazing out of the Baltimore bullpen, Chad Qualls leads all Diamondbacks hurlers in relief innings, and Brad Lidge has utterly dominated as the Phillies closer.  Throw in Trever Miller’s decent performance out of the Rays’ pen, and Wade gave away or let go almost an entire major league bullpen which is much better than the one he currently has.

The Astros have no business trying to field a contender this year.  They should be tearing everything down and rebuilding from the ground up.  And that needs to begin with the front office and the coaching staff.  But mostly Ed Wade. Because even if they think they should be trying to contend, Wade is clearly not the man to try that with.

- What They Need Index -

If the Dodgers want to win in the NL West, they’ll have to run a very tight pitching ship as their offense is below the fold in almost all categories (nearing rock-bottom in RBIs for instance) and not looking to improve much in the next two weeks. Much of that offensive mediocrity, however, can be credited to the fact that three of the major (would-be) run producers and scorers in the team are on the DL. Nomar Garciaparra is out with a bad calf (and the genetic disorder that prevents it from healing quicker), Andruw Jones is coming off knee surgery to repair torn cartilage, and Rafael Furcal has been battling a stiff back for almost two months now. All three are scheduled to beign rehab assignemnts with Triple A Las Vegas on Monday.

So far the Dodgers have managed to remain two and a half games behind first-place Arizona (albeit with a 37-42 record) due in part to the strong pitching from (of all people) Chan Ho Park, who’s 1-0 in three starts with a 1.20 ERA (after being in the pen to start the year) and Eric Stults (2-0, 0.60 ERA). Manager Joe Torre wants to up the ante, announcing a six-man rotation after Hiroki Kourda comes off the DL, and specifically because of Stults’ results (trying saying that three times!).

I doubt the Dodgers will be buyers in the trade market, if only because they’ve already got a bloated payroll with nothing to show for it. In fact, they’ve been having “cryptic meetings” with Derek Lowe and his agent, Scott Boras, and its their young’uns that are producing (like Andre Ethier above).

Maybe if the coerce a few more wins out of Lowe and Chad Billingsley, and if they get their superstars back from Triple A rehab stints soon enough (not to mention the eventual return of Brad Penny and Jason Schmidt – but don’t hold your breath on Schmidt), they might be able to hold on to make it interesting in the NL West.

- What They Need Index -

This week, Barry Bonds’ agent came out and quashed a rumor that Bonds might consider signing with an Independent League team. But the biggest news regarding Bonds was his agent’s revelation that Barry would sign with a Major League team for the league minimum – prorated, no less.

Immediately the blogosphere responded. Joe Posnanski says he thinks the Royals should sign Bonds.  And Rob Neyer says he thinks Posnanski is crazy. While Sabernomics thinks the Braves should sign Bonds

Who should sign Bonds? I like the idea of the Braves adding Barry. Also, the Athletics were considered the favorites to sign Bonds in the offseason and, now that they’re in the thick of the AL West race and have a healthy Rich Harden, Bonds could help push them into the postseason.

Of course, nobody is going to sign Bonds. Major League teams have made it very clear that they’re not interested.

Isn’t it amazing that teams are willing to give third, fourth and fifth chances to Garry Sheffield, Shawn Chacon, Brett Myers, Milton Bradley, Sidney Ponson, etc., but nobody will pay Bonds the league minimum to bring his insane OPS to their city?

He moved in front of me until we were chest to chest and then he shoved me to the ground. When I attempted to get to my feet, he shoved me a second time.

This was not taken from a script of a Lifetime Original Movie starring Joanna Kerns. These are the words of Astros GM Ed Wade describing his encounter with pitcher Shawn Chacon, who was put on waivers yesterday after admitting to putting his hand around Wade’s throat and throwing him down to the ground.

As a follow-up story, The Houston Chronicle’s Jose de Jesus Ortiz wonders what exactly is going on between the Houston pitchers and their coaches, more specifically, pitching coach Dewey Robinson.

De Jesus Ortiz recounts an incident back on May 17 – facing the Texas Rangers, Astros ace Roy Oswalt complained to Robinson of pain in his groin after completing the sixth inning. Instead of being taken out, Oswalt was asked to give the team one more inning, but instead failed to record an out in the seventh (gave up consecutive hits to Ian Kinsler and Michael Young) before being removed. Following the game, Oswalt told reporters:

“”I told (Manager Cecil Cooper and Robinson) I thought (the 6th inning) was it,” he said after the game. “They wanted me to go one more.”

What makes this strange, however, is that Astros manager Cecil Cooper recounted this very differently:

“He just said he thought he could go back out for the seventh,” Cooper said. “We felt we could get one more out of him.”

Sounds like someone’s lying, or to put it more nicely, someone has “communication problems”. Anyhow, back to de Jesus Ortiz’ column. Cecil Cooper obviously denies that there is a communication problem between the pitching corps and their coach. Oswalt, however, uses words that are probably a little too open to interpretation when talking about his first year manager and pitching coach:

“I won’t say it’s a communication problem. Sometimes we see different from them, and they see it different from us. You still have to play no matter what.”

“I think it’s a lot of (it happening to be the) first time they’ve done this job. You worry about too many things at one time instead of just being worried about being focused on the team and know that everybody here is trying to give 100 percent. Sometimes the game is starting to look a little easier from the sideline than it does on the field. Overall, it’s just trying to get accustomed to the job.”

I can’t say that I blame Oswalt if he’s sounding a bit frustrated. I mean, Dewey Robinson seems to endorse the most useless baseball “skill-enhancing” product I have ever seen. Apparently, pitchers’ in-game performances are elevated by 3 bazillion percent when you begin calling the outside corner of the plate “7″.

Thanks goes out to Zvee Geffen for pointing out the Oswalt-part of the story.