About six weeks ago, I suddenly realized what I wanted to do with my summer vacation: drive around the steamy-hot Carolinas with gas at $4.50 a gallon in a 10-year old Nissan Sentra with a bad muffler, an air conditioner that smells like something died in it (but only for the first couple minutes of use), and an engine that’s making a sound like a bird trapped in a tin can.

In other words, PURE AWESOMENESS.

Why, you ask, is this pure awesomeness? Because I will be tootling from ballpark to ballpark, bearing witness to the unspoilt beauty and unfettered fun of minor league baseball. With your help, and after many a happy hour of noodling around on the interwebs when I should have been doing better things, I have narrowed down my original list of 29 teams to a more manageable 13 contenders:

Greensboro Grasshoppers (A)
Hickory Crawdads (A)
Durham Bulls (AAA)
Asheville Tourists (A)
Greenville Drive (A)
Zebulon Mudcats (AA)
Myrtle Beach Pelicans (A)
Lynchburg Hillcats (A)
Tennessee Smokies (AA)
Chattanooga Lookouts (AA)
Johnson City Cardinals (Rookie)
Forest City Owls (CPL)
Fayetteville Swampdogs (CPL)

Like a big dork, I mapped out all the localities on this custom Google Map:

I still won’t get to all of these teams, but at least we’re now entering the realm of the possible. Any advice about pretty roads to drive, great places to eat, cheap places to stay, or ways to cut this list down a little more are, of course, appreciated. Leave ‘em in the comments or email me!

Nick: Wow, shoving front office types to the ground appears to be becoming quite popular!

Paul: wasn’t george costanza the yankees’ traveling secretary? or was he the assistant to the traveling secretary?

Coley: I’m pretty sure he was the assistant to the traveling secretary. Though this latest Manny being Manny incident does seem like it was ripped from a Seinfeld episode.

Sarah: Manny certainly has a much hotter temper this year.

Paul: is it wrong for me to say that i hope he and shields go alien vs. predator on each other tonight?

Coley: if hoping that Manny and Shields come to blows is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

Sarah: It’s times like this when I really do miss having Pedro and Trot Nixon on the team.

Paul: well, the mets currently have both. and i kind of wish we didn’t.

Sarah: Oh, yeah. That’s weird. Well, they make a great duo. Pedro will throw at some guy’s head, the guy will charge the mound, and Nixon will sprint all the way in from right field, get there before anyone else does (seriously, he DOES have wheels, but only in fights), and flatten the enraged batter with one punch. Ahhhh, those were the days.

It was lucky Week 13 in the UmpBump Fantasy League. Here’s what befell each of us:

Sarah: The Somerville Green Sox suffered a 9-2 beatdown at the hands of Box89RowKKSeat14, Ania’s team. Although, I have to say, neither of our offenses were very good this week. I only took the RBI category (by a single ribbie) and steals (which I won even though Jacoby Ellsbury hasn’t stolen a base since June 17). Of course, my pitching got lit up again, in what now feels like the norm for the Green Sox, especially Pedro Martinez, by the Yankees, and Matt Cain, by Cleveland. Thank the hardball gods that interleague play is over. Hot: Johnny Cueto, Ian Kinsler, Vernon Wells. Not: Martinez, Cain, Ellsbury, Clayton Kershaw, James Loney, Rickie Weeks.

Paul: This week shouldn’t have been as close a match-up as it ended up being between myself and my fantasy-challenged colleague, Coley Ward. My players racked up a .423 OBP to Coley’s paltry .326 and I won total bases 123-97. Despite this, I still lost runs scored, tied in home runs, and barely won RBIs. So I’m not sure if it was a successful week offensively speaking. It was a mixed bag on the pitching side as well, having a dominant week in my peripheral categories (0.97 WHIP and 3.92 K/BB) but not having those numbers translate into victories in wins or ERA. In short, it was a week that proved the sabermetric axiom regarding sample sizes. No matter how successfully you execute - whether it be by getting on base and hitting for extra bases for batters or walking few and striking out many for pitchers - over a short period of time you may not get the desired result. But if my team can keep dominating those very categories, then I will be just fine over the long haul. Oh, and I ended up winning the week 6-4-2. So… Maybe I shouldn’t be complaining. Hot: David Wright, Adam “I Hate Baseball SO MUCH” Dunn, Matt Holliday, C.C. Sabathia, Justin Duchscherer, Cliff Lee. Not: Greg Smith, Trevor Hoffman, Chris B. Young.

Coley : Paul shouldn’t be complaining. He was lucky I didn’t beat him this week. Josh Hamilton came to the plate yesterday afternoon with the bases loaded and a chance to win the RBI column for the Crunkball All-Stars, but he popped out. And that was ok, because it was still a 3-1 game between the Phillies and the Rangers, still a save situation, and I figured that meant I’d get a save out of either Brad Lidge or C.J. Wilson and I’d win saves for the week. Unfortunately, the Rangers scored three more runs that inning and Wilson came in and pitched in a non-save situation. So Paul, you got lucky. Hot : Mark Teixeira, Jered Weaver, Jair Jurrjens, Dice-K. Not : Chone Figgins, Brett Myers.

Alejandro: I checked the standings early Sunday morning and I found myself down in the count, but definitely not out. I was knocked around all week, was up and down, but kept my head up, and lo and behold, the results are in. My offense surged on its last day and over came the difference for a solid 8-4 victory that places me 4.5 games out of first place. Jermaine Dye (who’s been on a torrid tear) helped the White Sox sweep the Cubs (along side Alexei Ramirez, who’s having a solid season himself). It’ll be a tough week ahead, though, as Chipper Jones and Dan Uggla, and Magglio Ordoñez are hurt. Hot: Hanley Ramirez, Jermaine Dye, Alex Gordon (barely), Josh Beckett, Tim Lincecum, Kerry Wood, B.J. Ryan. Not: Vicente Padilla, Todd Wellemeyer, Eric Chavez, Hunter Pence, A.J. Pierzynski.

Standings (games behind):

1. Paul - ElDuquesInjuryReport ( - )
2. Alejandro - Center Field Stud ( 4.5 )
3. Scott - Utley’s Firm Quads ( 6 )
4. Doug - Swamp Dragons ( 8.5 )
5. Sarah - Somerville Green Sox ( 14.5 )
6. Kirk - Montefusco’s Revenge ( 15 )
7. Ania - Box89RowKKSeat14 ( 20 )
8. Larry - croutchyoldman ( 27.5 )
9. Bryan - Pirates in ‘08! ( 29.5 )
10. Coley - Crunkball All-Stars ( 30 )
11. Caitlin - caitlin grace ( 32.5 )
12. Sooze - freebase my balls ( 34 )

Me and the boyfriend have been apartment-hunting, and are currently on a demoralizing 0-for-21 slide. That’s right, 21 apartments viewed so far and 0 leases to show for it. So, I’m doing what any good manager would do: benching us. Clearly, what is needed here is a day to clear the head. And how better to clear said head than with some good hardball linkage?

First, Baseball Reference’s Stat of the Day blog has a quick take on winning with no hits, as the Dodgers did last night.

SportsbyBrooks weighs in on the issue that wouldn’t die: the unkillable pink Red Sox hat debate.

Towel Drills has the Ozzie Guillen-Lou Piniella “rap” commercial, which I hadn’t seen yet. It’s horrifying, and it makes me grateful that Boston only has one baseball team.

Half Street Blues has the news of a rather interesting (read: desperate) marketing ploy from the offices of the Washington Nationals: today’s first 10,000 fans who bring in any non-Nats baseball merch and trade it for a free Nationals hat, the one with the curly little “W” that looks like a pig’s tail.

In this week’s Metro column, I assess Curt Schilling’s HOF chances.

River Ave. Blues and Blogging the Bombers are both chuckling over today’s oddball Yankee lineup. Oh, that Joey Girardi! He’s such a kidder!

Razzball has an “interview” with “Spike Lee.”

Balls, Sticks, & Stuff has some simple steps to “Phix the Phils.”

“Eyre placed on DL,” begins the headline of this MLB.com piece. Naturally, I supplied the rest in the blink of an eye: “Expected to be out at least six weeks with malnutrition, exposure to typhus, smoke inhalation, and a broken heart. Will return only when Mr. Rochester finally calls.”

Do you often hear ghostly voices crying your name over the lonely moors? Tell me about it!

The Houston Astros are in shambles.

After a hot start, they completely tanked in May and June and are now in a closely-fought battle with the Reds for last place in the 6-team NL Central.

So big changes need to be made.  And they need to start in the front office.

Owner Drayton McLane can’t very well fire himself, but he needs to fire somebody.  With all the indications that manager Cecil Cooper and pitching coach Dewey Robinson have contributed to creating a toxic clubhouse atmosphere, he can start with them, but most of the blame for this putrid team must be laid at the feet of GM Ed Wade.

To be as fair as possible to Wade, he was apparently under strict orders from McLane to field a contender. But what Wade did was take a team in no position to seriously contend, and completely torpedo any vague chance it might have had with a series of atrocious moves.

It’s not like I foresaw this suckage or anything, months ahead of time. Oh wait, I did.

A quick glance at the performance of the guys Wade brought in, compared to the performance of the guys he shipped out, reveals the magnitude of the tranwreck, as all of his major acquisitions have tanked.  Leadoff man Michael Bourn has a .288 on-base percentage and a .600 OPS. Second baseman Kazuo Matsui has an only slightly less abominable .678 OPS. Imported closer Jose Valverde has posted a 4.24 ERA and a 1.42 WHIP. Shawn Chacon added injury to insult by physically assaulting Wade and getting released. And marquee big-name acquisition Miguel Tejada’s .779 OPS is actually 86 points lower than that the main player he was acquired for, Luke Scott.

Meanwhile, Scott has become one of the best hitters on the Orioles, fellow Tejada trade pieces Matt Albers and Dennis Sarfate have been amazing out of the Baltimore bullpen, Chad Qualls leads all Diamondbacks hurlers in relief innings, and Brad Lidge has utterly dominated as the Phillies closer.  Throw in Trever Miller’s decent performance out of the Rays’ pen, and Wade gave away or let go almost an entire major league bullpen which is much better than the one he currently has.

The Astros have no business trying to field a contender this year.  They should be tearing everything down and rebuilding from the ground up.  And that needs to begin with the front office and the coaching staff.  But mostly Ed Wade. Because even if they think they should be trying to contend, Wade is clearly not the man to try that with.

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