About six weeks ago, I suddenly realized what I wanted to do with my summer vacation: drive around the steamy-hot Carolinas with gas at $4.50 a gallon in a 10-year old Nissan Sentra with a bad muffler, an air conditioner that smells like something died in it (but only for the first couple minutes of use), and an engine that’s making a sound like a bird trapped in a tin can.

In other words, PURE AWESOMENESS.

Why, you ask, is this pure awesomeness? Because I will be tootling from ballpark to ballpark, bearing witness to the unspoilt beauty and unfettered fun of minor league baseball. With your help, and after many a happy hour of noodling around on the interwebs when I should have been doing better things, I have narrowed down my original list of 29 teams to a more manageable 13 contenders:

Greensboro Grasshoppers (A)

Hickory Crawdads (A)

Durham Bulls (AAA)

Asheville Tourists (A)

Greenville Drive (A)

Zebulon Mudcats (AA)

Myrtle Beach Pelicans (A)

Lynchburg Hillcats (A)

Tennessee Smokies (AA)

Chattanooga Lookouts (AA)

Johnson City Cardinals (Rookie)

Forest City Owls (CPL)

Fayetteville Swampdogs (CPL)

Like a big dork, I mapped out all the localities on this custom Google Map:

I still won’t get to all of these teams, but at least we’re now entering the realm of the possible. Any advice about pretty roads to drive, great places to eat, cheap places to stay, or ways to cut this list down a little more are, of course, appreciated. Leave ‘em in the comments or email me!

Nick: Wow, shoving front office types to the ground appears to be becoming quite popular!

Paul: wasn’t george costanza the yankees’ traveling secretary? or was he the assistant to the traveling secretary?

Coley: I’m pretty sure he was the assistant to the traveling secretary. Though this latest Manny being Manny incident does seem like it was ripped from a Seinfeld episode.

Sarah: Manny certainly has a much hotter temper this year.

Paul: is it wrong for me to say that i hope he and shields go alien vs. predator on each other tonight?

Coley: if hoping that Manny and Shields come to blows is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

Sarah: It’s times like this when I really do miss having Pedro and Trot Nixon on the team.

Paul: well, the mets currently have both. and i kind of wish we didn’t.

Sarah: Oh, yeah. That’s weird. Well, they make a great duo. Pedro will throw at some guy’s head, the guy will charge the mound, and Nixon will sprint all the way in from right field, get there before anyone else does (seriously, he DOES have wheels, but only in fights), and flatten the enraged batter with one punch. Ahhhh, those were the days.

It was lucky Week 13 in the UmpBump Fantasy League. Here’s what befell each of us:

Sarah: The Somerville Green Sox suffered a 9-2 beatdown at the hands of Box89RowKKSeat14, Ania’s team. Although, I have to say, neither of our offenses were very good this week. I only took the RBI category (by a single ribbie) and steals (which I won even though Jacoby Ellsbury hasn’t stolen a base since June 17). Of course, my pitching got lit up again, in what now feels like the norm for the Green Sox, especially Pedro Martinez, by the Yankees, and Matt Cain, by Cleveland. Thank the hardball gods that interleague play is over. Hot: Johnny Cueto, Ian Kinsler, Vernon Wells. Not: Martinez, Cain, Ellsbury, Clayton Kershaw, James Loney, Rickie Weeks.

Paul: This week shouldn’t have been as close a match-up as it ended up being between myself and my fantasy-challenged colleague, Coley Ward. My players racked up a .423 OBP to Coley’s paltry .326 and I won total bases 123-97. Despite this, I still lost runs scored, tied in home runs, and barely won RBIs. So I’m not sure if it was a successful week offensively speaking. It was a mixed bag on the pitching side as well, having a dominant week in my peripheral categories (0.97 WHIP and 3.92 K/BB) but not having those numbers translate into victories in wins or ERA. In short, it was a week that proved the sabermetric axiom regarding sample sizes. No matter how successfully you execute - whether it be by getting on base and hitting for extra bases for batters or walking few and striking out many for pitchers - over a short period of time you may not get the desired result. But if my team can keep dominating those very categories, then I will be just fine over the long haul. Oh, and I ended up winning the week 6-4-2. So… Maybe I shouldn’t be complaining. Hot: David Wright, Adam “I Hate Baseball SO MUCH” Dunn, Matt Holliday, C.C. Sabathia, Justin Duchscherer, Cliff Lee. Not: Greg Smith, Trevor Hoffman, Chris B. Young.

Coley : Paul shouldn’t be complaining. He was lucky I didn’t beat him this week. Josh Hamilton came to the plate yesterday afternoon with the bases loaded and a chance to win the RBI column for the Crunkball All-Stars, but he popped out. And that was ok, because it was still a 3-1 game between the Phillies and the Rangers, still a save situation, and I figured that meant I’d get a save out of either Brad Lidge or C.J. Wilson and I’d win saves for the week. Unfortunately, the Rangers scored three more runs that inning and Wilson came in and pitched in a non-save situation. So Paul, you got lucky. Hot : Mark Teixeira, Jered Weaver, Jair Jurrjens, Dice-K. Not : Chone Figgins, Brett Myers.

Alejandro: I checked the standings early Sunday morning and I found myself down in the count, but definitely not out. I was knocked around all week, was up and down, but kept my head up, and lo and behold, the results are in. My offense surged on its last day and over came the difference for a solid 8-4 victory that places me 4.5 games out of first place. Jermaine Dye (who’s been on a torrid tear) helped the White Sox sweep the Cubs (along side Alexei Ramirez, who’s having a solid season himself). It’ll be a tough week ahead, though, as Chipper Jones and Dan Uggla, and Magglio Ordoñez are hurt. Hot: Hanley Ramirez, Jermaine Dye, Alex Gordon (barely), Josh Beckett, Tim Lincecum, Kerry Wood, B.J. Ryan. Not: Vicente Padilla, Todd Wellemeyer, Eric Chavez, Hunter Pence, A.J. Pierzynski.

Standings (games behind):

1. Paul - ElDuquesInjuryReport ( - )
2. Alejandro - Center Field Stud ( 4.5 )
3. Scott - Utley’s Firm Quads ( 6 )
4. Doug - Swamp Dragons ( 8.5 )
5. Sarah - Somerville Green Sox ( 14.5 )
6. Kirk - Montefusco’s Revenge ( 15 )
7. Ania - Box89RowKKSeat14 ( 20 )
8. Larry - croutchyoldman ( 27.5 )
9. Bryan - Pirates in ‘08! ( 29.5 )
10. Coley - Crunkball All-Stars ( 30 )
11. Caitlin - caitlin grace ( 32.5 )
12. Sooze - freebase my balls ( 34 )