At 5pm today, voting closes for each league’s 25th All-Star over at MLB.com. As of this writing, Evan Longoria leads the AL voting, which is fine by me although Giambi’s another worthy choice. But I do have a problem with Corey Hart being the top vote-getter for the National League. The man’s a fine player, to be sure, and I’m glad to see he’s getting some recognition. But he simply hasn’t been as good as 3 of the other eligible candidates, David Wright, Carlos Lee, and Pat Burrell (Why is Aaron Rowand eligible? Can someone please explain this to me?).

However, in my mind, there is one clear choice. And as a Mets fan, I obviously have to vote for… Pat Burrell.

Whoa. Did I just write that? Hold on. Let me try this again. <ahem> I think we should all head over to MLB.com right now before 5pm and vote for… Pat Burrell.

Dagnabit! There it is again. Why can’t I just write David Wright? D-A-V-I-D W-R-I-G-H-T. He’s clearly a deserving All-Star. And I can’t vote for Pat Burrell!!! He’s a Phillie! I think I’ve been possessed. Excuse me while I undergo an exorcism:

FATHER DAMIEN KARRAS: Remember Paul. You’re a Met fan. And a fan stands by his team.

PRINCE OF DARKNESS: But Burrell’s been better.

FATHER KARRAS: Lies! Such Lies! Wright has a better batting average!

PRINCE OF DARKNESS: By three measly points. Totally inconsequential.

FATHER KARRAS: Look at the RBIs, Paul! The RBIs! Wright has 16 more!

THE P.O.D.: Only because Wright has had 213 plate appearances with runners on base. Burrell has only had 145 and has performed much better in those situations than Wright.

FATHER KARRAS: NOW YOU JUST WAIT A… Huh? Really?

THE DUDE WITH THE HORNS: Yup.

FATHER KARRAS: But what about defense! Ah-Ha! David plays third base - a far more demanding and important position than left field and does so admirably!

THE MAN WHO OWNS RYAN SEACREST’S SOUL: That may be true. But Burrell’s .414 OBP and .587 slugging percentage is more helpful to his team than Wright is with his .381/.504. Glove or no glove.

FATHER KARRAS: But Philly’s a hitter’s park while Shea is a pitcher’s paradise!

DAVE GROHL: Still doesn’t account for that much a disparity. OPS-Plus, which is park-adjusted, has Burrell miles ahead of Wright, 157 to 136. It’s no contest. And Burrell also has Wright beat in Win Shares.

FATHER KARRAS: Why do you speak in such evil tongues? Paul, remember you are a Met fan! A MET FAN! HE’S A PHILLIE!!!

PRINCE OF DARKNESS: Sorry Padre. But the man’s mind is made up. It’s Burrell.

FATHER KARRAS: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

………..

So, yeah. Go vote for Pat the Bat. He deserves it.

When the All-Star ballots were announced earlier this week, the emails started flying here at UmpBump HQ. We felt compelled to offer up our own ballots (admittedly, with the benefit of casting them now, and not months ago when the balloting actually began), which we now present, interspersed with refreshing dashes of acid-tongued banter, for your scathing refutation insightful commentary:

Sarah’s All-Star Ballot

American League

C Joe Mauer

1B Youk (note: I actually voted for Youk last year too. Couldn’t vote for Papi as a 1B; didn’t seem right.)

2B Kinsler

3B A-Poop

SS Derek, grudgingly

DH Ortiz (yes, even injured)

OF Manny (sentimental choice)

OF Grady Sizemore

OF JD Drew (Was very tempted to go with Josh Hamilton here….but I flipped a coin and Drew won. Plus, Hamilton’s heart-warming story has just become too much for me. Now every time I hear about it, I want to vomit.)

SP Roy Halladay

National League

C Geovany Soto (at first, felt obligated to go with Brian McCann, since I don’t really like voting rookies into the All-Star game, but then I remembered that I don’t like the Braves….and Soto and McCann have basically had the same year so far.)

1B Lance Berkman

2B Chase Utley

3B Chipper Jones

SS Hanley Ramirez

OF Ryan Braun

OF Griffey Jr

OF Matt Holliday

SP Brandon Webb

Final note: Why is there no NL DH? I mean, they’re playing in Yankee Stadium…they aren’t going to make the pitcher bat, are they? If there were an extra roster spot for a hitter, I would go with Pat the Bat here.

Nick: Griffey??? For serious?

Sarah: I’m big on future Hall of Famers going to the ASG. And he hit no. 600 this year. And, once again Nick, i must ask that instead of simply sending incredulous snarkages back in my direction, you actually put together your own ballot. That was actually the point of the exercise.

Nick: Okay, here are my picks. Clearly they are all 100% correct.

Nick’s All-Star Ballot

American League

C Joe Mauer

1B Jason Giambi

2B Ian Kinsler

3B Alex Rodriguez

SS Michael Young

OF Jermaine Dye

OF Grady Sizemore

OF Josh Hamilton

DH Milton Bradley

SP Cliff Lee

National League

C Geovany Soto

1B Lance Berkman

2B Chase Utley

3B Chipper Jones

SS Hanley Ramirez

OF Pat Burrell

OF Jason Bay

OF Adam Dunn

SP Edinson Volquez

Nick: Sarah, are you saying future Hall of Famers should go to the All-Star Game every year, no matter what? Even when they only have the 46th best OPS among qualified outfielders?

Sarah: I’m just saying, doesn’t feel like the All-Star Game without Griffey. Also, I feel the voting would be very different if it were all online. When you’re just sitting in your little seat at the ballpark poking those little punch cards, are you really going to be comparing OPS and clicking through ESPN.com’s sortable stats? No, no you are not. You are going to see “K. Griffey Jr.” there on the ballot with a little perforated circle next to it. And you are going to poke that little circle.

Paul: My ballot:

Paul’s All-Star Ballot

American League

C: Joe Mauer (and if any of you disagree, I’m leaving UmpBump)

1B: Justin Morneau (can’t argue with Youk or Giambi either. i just don’t like either of them.)

2B: Ian Kinsler

SS: Empty Space

3B: A-Rod (although it’d be a lot of fun to see Longoria there)

LF: Josh Hamilton

CF: Grady Sizemore

RF: JD Drew

DH: Milton Bradley

SP: Roy Halladay (not the popular choice, I know. but dude’s been filthy)

National League

C: Geovany Soto

1B: Lance Berkman

2B: Chase Utley

SS: Hanley Ramirez

3B: Chipper Jones (i just died a little inside)

LF: Jason Bay

CF: Nate McLouth

RF: Matt Holliday (wow, what an awful defensive outfield!)

DH: Pat Burrell (now i need a drink)

SP: Volquez/Lincecum (don’t make me choose)

Sarah: No you have to choose! That’s the whole point! Come on, eenie meenie minie moe that puppy.

Paul: in that case, excuse me while i go crunch some digits….and i think i unknowingly made that sound a little dirty. How did i do that? That should be the new euphemism among statheads. “Dude, that girl is so freaking hot. Makes me want to crunch my digits.”

Sarah: Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrd!

Paul: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanddddddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! (anyone? anyone? yes? no?)

Sarah: [confused silence] [chirping of crickets] [tumbleweed rolls slowly by]

Paul: It’s from Family Guy. And I’m going with Lincecum.

Sarah: And are you still leaving AL SS blank?? I’m torn. Half of me thinks that’s really hilarious. The other half is now bitter because i sucked it up and voted for Jeter.

Paul: I would honestly rather have Empty Space. He’s a ragamuffin from the great state of North Dakota. Kid’s got more talent than brains.

Sarah: He’s got that blue collar makeup though.

Alejandro: Okay, time for my picks.

Alejandro’s All-Star Ballot

American League

C Joe Mauer

1B Kevin Youkilis

2B Ian Kinsler

SS Michael Young

3B Evan Longoria

OF David DeJesus

OF Josh Hamilton

OF Johnny Damon

DH Alex Rodriguez

SP Cliff Lee

National League

C Geovany Soto

1B Connor Jackson

2B Chase Utley

SS Jose Reyes

3B Chipper Jones

OF Carlos Lee

OF Aaron Rowand

OF Carlos Beltran

SP Edinson Volquez

Nick: What, no Hanley at SS, Alejandro? Even though he’s carrying your umpbump fantasy team? Surprising!

Alejandro: Oh man i knew i’d miss someone….Yeah, forget Reyes, please include H Ramirez instead…

Sarah: Hey, I’m not sure it’s kosher to have A-Rod as the DH. You can only vote for people where they are eligible, no? Or can you shift things around with the write-in?

Alejandro: Good point… I dunno…to be honest, i filled this ballot in haste in the middle of a meeting…

Paul: Get your priorities straight, Alejandro. All-Star ballots are serious business. Not to be done in the middle of business. This business clearly supersedes that business.

Coley: I think the problem with including guys like Griffey is that this year it counts! And, I’m kinda serious. I mean, if the Phillies are denied home-field advantage in the World Series because Ken Griffey, Jr. strikes out with the bases loaded in the all-star game, I’m going to be pissed. Here’s my lineup:

Coley’s All-Star Ballot

American League

C Joe Mauer

1B Jason Giambi

2B Ian Kinsler

3B Alex Rodriguez

SS Michael Young

OF Jermaine Dye

OF Grady Sizemore

OF Josh Hamilton

DH Milton Bradley

SP Cliff Lee