We UmpBump writers have a gripe with the Chinese government and their banning of American baseball websites. First, it was FireJoeMorgan. Then, Joe Posnanski met this fate. So we have a question for you, Mr. and Mrs. Chinese Government. Where’s our ban? We want to be censored! Nay, we demand to be censored, damn it!

So with this in mind, and to also commemorate the retirement of Mr. Furman Bisher from the Atlanta Journal Constitution, we present to you our attempt at getting banned in China. And really, how could this NOT work?

I Like Things I Remember

By Fur-man “Shu” Bisher

Baseball used to be a game played with nine men to a side, two managers, four umpires, seven iron maidens, thirteen Papua New Guinean prostitutes, an ostrich, and the American players always played in America, as long as they were white Americans, except for those times when the Blue Jays and Expos played, or when the Expos played in Puerto Rico, or when the MLB All Stars went to Japan in 1934 with the Bad News Bears. Come to think of it now, that would be sort of like some old-timey analogy that no one understands but I’m going to use right now. But the American players had a deal, see.

Well, not any longer. Giving up the great policy that was isolationism can change any habit. As I write this, our boys are getting ready to play a baseball game. Guess where? China. That China, the guys that gave us the Yellow Turban Rebellion in the second century. Some people don’t like you to bring that up, this new idea of “the Olympics” is so hot. But I’ve got a long memory. I saw what a few Chinese peasants can do to the Han dynasty.

Oh, well, ‘scuse me. It’s just tough to get away from it when you turn on your TV in the morning and see Chinese Olympic security forces menacingly riding segway scooters to prepare for a possible uprising. It’s AD 184 all over again, I say.

I remember as if it were only 400 years ago when the Yellow Turbans defeated Zhu Jun and the Imperial Army. China was more heptadecagonally-shaped then. Now, hurlers are called “pitchers” and they throw things called “curveballs” and “change ups”. Is that Hee Seop Choi boy from China? At least I can still sleep wearing a onesie.

It is disgraceful that the game is now being played in that country, a game that is as American as a hamburger, or a frankfurter, or an apfel strussel. It would be my guess that in China, they don’t grow maple. For the bats, you see.

It must be assumed that some day, baseball is going to be played by Latins as well. Now wouldn’t that be something? But seriously, not the Chinese.

Ban us. All the cool kids are banned. Do it. Doooooooo it.

5 Responses to “UmpBump Wages War on the Chinese Government”

  1. Sarah Green says:

    A onesie?

  2. Paul Moro says:

    Sarah, are you asking me what a one-sie is? Or are you just in disbelief over my idiocy to even write that?

  3. Okay, I get the picture White Tigers, Lords of Death, guys in funny suits throwing plastic explosives while poison arrows fall from the sky and the pillars of heaven shake, huh? Sure, okay, I see Charlie Chan, Fu Manchu and a hundred howlin’ monkey temples, and that’s just for starters, right? Fine! I’m back! I’m ready, goddammit let me at ’em!

  4. Sarah Green says:

    I am trying to figure out what it would look like to have Paul/Furman sleeping in a onesie.

  5. Paul Moro says:

    Unfortunately for Sarah, she has no idea what I look like. I am a man of mystery. The Secret Asian Man.

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