Yesterday, Sarah asked everyone to vote on who’s going to win the World Series between the Phils and Rays. And I want to ask you guys a similar question – with a twist.
Unbeknownst to even the other UmpBump writers, I’ve been secretly working on an unassailable method that lets our readers predict with 100% accuracy how the World Series will go down, game by game.
As you will see, this magical survey takes into account some sophisticated number crunching, as well as the “intangibles” – that je ne sais quoi that envelops the whole player and his aura, elevating him beyond the status of mere mortals and letting him ride mightily and honorably into Valhalla atop the eight-legged Slepnir while getting a reach-around from valkyries (this is what some people believe, right?).
So who wins the battle between the Phils and the Rays? America (and our friends in Papua New Guinea), you decide.
Philip Seymour Hoffman vs. Ray Romano
The Phils start out with Philip Seymour Hoffman, an actor who has made being a sad sack kind of endearing. The Rays counter with Ray Romano, a comedian who has made comedy unfunny, despite being syndicated by 83 channels on Time Warner cable. Seriously. Turn on your television, close your eyes, punch some random numbers on your remote control and there’s a 78% chance that “Everybody Loves Raymond” will appear. But Hoffman was in “Boogie Nights.” Which is awesome. And he’s a Met fan, which is awesomer.
Ray Liotta vs. Philip Michael Thomas
Here we have Goodfella Ray Liotta go testosterone-on-testosterone with Philip Michael Thomas, aka Ricardo Tubbs from”Miami Vice”. One man constantly squints. The other refuses to wear socks with his loafers. They’re both all man.
Ray J vs. Phil Collins
I have no idea who Ray J is, except that he and Kim Kardashian have made sweet, sweet love. I hear he’s a musician of some sort. I bet he plays the tuba. But I do know who Phil Collins is. And that he’s been touched invisibly. On the down side, Phil did the soundtrack to the Disney version of “Tarzan.” I may actually rather watch Ray J and Kim bump uglies. Maybe. God willing, I never have to make that choice.
The fourth clash features the most famous Ray of them all. It’s the Famous Original Ray’s pizzeria, a place so magical, 17,821 places in New York City can claim to be THE ORIGINAL Ray’s. Some are “Famous”. Others are just “Original”. But they’re all Ray’s. In the other corner is Dr. Phil. I’m sure he has a last name. I’m not sure if anyone knows what that is. While Dr. Phil has supposedly helped dozens of people feel better about themselves, this may be canceled out by the fact that he gave Frank Caliendo material to work with, which has damaged thousands of lives.
Philip Rivers vs. Ray Charles
The Phils trot out Philip Rivers, quarterback of the San Diego Chargers and all-around douche who gives “dumb jocks” a bad name. Now Ray Charles is the underdog in this one, primarily because Rivers has something really, really, really, really important that Ray Charles does not (that’s right, I’m going there). And what is this thing? Yup, you guessed it. Philip Rivers has never had Jamie Foxx portray him in a movie. Come to think of it, Foxx also played Tubbs in the most recent “Miami Vice”… So Philip Michael Thomas is also a victim here.
Phil Jackson vs. Ray Kroc
It’s the Zen Master taking on the Kholesterol King (wow, that’s a stretch…). Jackson single-handedly won nine NBA titles, most memorably in 1998 by viciously dunking over Karl Malone on an alley-oop with two seconds left. Jackson also got the assist on that play. Kroc has no championship rings, but without the man who made McDonald’s a household name, there would be way too many guys out there who are better looking and more physically fit than I am. So I owe him one.
Punxsutawney Phil vs. Ray Stantz
Both teams are releasing their big guns for the seventh and final game. The Phils are sending out Punxsutawney Phil, the lovable groundhog with the amazing ability to predict the beginning of spring as accurately as one would by flipping a coin. The Rays have their ace in the hole, Dr. Ray Stantz, who has battled a Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and wielded the awesome America-fying powers of the Statue of Liberty using an NES Advantage joystick. So which will it be? The thing that looks like a rodent who has shared screen time with Bill Murray? (CHEAP SHOT ALERT!) Or is it Punxsutawney Phil? (Thank you, thank you!)