• HaroldHecuba: Mike Mussina is EASTERN EUROPEAN, not Italian....

Yesterday, Sarah asked everyone to vote on who’s going to win the World Series between the Phils and Rays. And I want to ask you guys a similar question – with a twist.

Unbeknownst to even the other UmpBump writers, I’ve been secretly working on an unassailable method that lets our readers predict with 100% accuracy how the World Series will go down, game by game.

As you will see, this magical survey takes into account some sophisticated number crunching, as well as the “intangibles” – that je ne sais quoi that envelops the whole player and his aura, elevating him beyond the status of mere mortals and letting him ride mightily and honorably into Valhalla atop the eight-legged Slepnir while getting a reach-around from valkyries (this is what some people believe, right?).

So who wins the battle between the Phils and the Rays? America (and our friends in Papua New Guinea), you decide.

Game One

Philip Seymour Hoffman vs. Ray Romano

Philip Seymour Hoffman vs. Ray Romano

The Phils start out with Philip Seymour Hoffman, an actor who has made being a sad sack kind of endearing. The Rays counter with Ray Romano, a comedian who has made comedy unfunny, despite being syndicated by 83 channels on Time Warner cable. Seriously. Turn on your television, close your eyes, punch some random numbers on your remote control and there’s a 78% chance that “Everybody Loves Raymond” will appear. But Hoffman was in “Boogie Nights.” Which is awesome. And he’s a Met fan, which is awesomer.

[poll id="7"]

Game Two

Ray Liotta vs. Philip Michael Thomas

Ray Liotta vs. Philip Michael Thomas

Here we have Goodfella Ray Liotta go testosterone-on-testosterone with Philip Michael Thomas, aka Ricardo Tubbs from”Miami Vice”. One man constantly squints. The other refuses to wear socks with his loafers. They’re both all man.

[poll id="8"]

Game Three

Ray J vs. Phil Collins

Ray J vs. Phil Collins

I have no idea who Ray J is, except that he and Kim Kardashian have made sweet, sweet love. I hear he’s a musician of some sort. I bet he plays the tuba. But I do know who Phil Collins is. And that he’s been touched invisibly. On the down side, Phil did the soundtrack to the Disney version of “Tarzan.” I may actually rather watch Ray J and Kim bump uglies. Maybe. God willing, I never have to make that choice.

[poll id="9"]

Game Four

The fourth clash features the most famous Ray of them all. It’s the Famous Original Ray’s pizzeria, a place so magical, 17,821 places in New York City can claim to be THE ORIGINAL Ray’s. Some are “Famous”. Others are just “Original”. But they’re all Ray’s. In the other corner is Dr. Phil. I’m sure he has a last name. I’m not sure if anyone knows what that is. While Dr. Phil has supposedly helped dozens of people feel better about themselves, this may be canceled out by the fact that he gave Frank Caliendo material to work with, which has damaged thousands of lives.

[poll id="10"]

Game Five

Philip Rivers vs. Ray Charles

The Phils trot out Philip Rivers, quarterback of the San Diego Chargers and all-around douche who gives “dumb jocks” a bad name. Now Ray Charles is the underdog in this one, primarily because Rivers has something really, really, really, really important that Ray Charles does not (that’s right, I’m going there). And what is this thing? Yup, you guessed it. Philip Rivers has never had Jamie Foxx portray him in a movie. Come to think of it, Foxx also played Tubbs in the most recent “Miami Vice”… So Philip Michael Thomas is also a victim here.

[poll id="11"]

Game Six

Phil Jackson vs. Ray Kroc

It’s the Zen Master taking on the Kholesterol King (wow, that’s a stretch…). Jackson single-handedly won nine NBA titles, most memorably in 1998 by viciously dunking over Karl Malone on an alley-oop with two seconds left. Jackson also got the assist on that play. Kroc has no championship rings, but without the man who made McDonald’s a household name, there would be way too many guys out there who are better looking and more physically fit than I am. So I owe him one.

[poll id="12"]

Game Seven

Punxsutawney Phil vs. Ray Stantz

Both teams are releasing their big guns for the seventh and final game. The Phils are sending out Punxsutawney Phil, the lovable groundhog with the amazing ability to predict the beginning of spring as accurately as one would by flipping a coin. The Rays have their ace in the hole, Dr. Ray Stantz, who has battled a Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and wielded the awesome America-fying powers of the Statue of Liberty using an NES Advantage joystick. So which will it be? The thing that looks like a rodent who has shared screen time with Bill Murray? (CHEAP SHOT ALERT!) Or is it Punxsutawney Phil? (Thank you, thank you!)

[poll id="13"]

20 Responses to “One More Time: Rays vs. Phils”

  1. Sarah Green says:

    Bravo, Sir. Bravo. Right now the Rays are winning this 4-3. Let’s hope the Fall Classic also goes to 7 games!

  2. Kirk Miller says:

    In an upset, Phillip Rivers trounces the late Ray Charles and the Phillies win in 6.

  3. I don’t see how Phil Collins can possibly lose to Ray J. The man was in Genesis! In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I’ve heard in rock.

  4. Paul Moro says:

    Lyndsay, you know this. I know this. But if people want to vote for Ray J, they’re free to do so.

    “Something Happened on the Way to Heaven” was one of my favorites growing up, and it still is. Oh, and here’s a little known fact: Ray Lewis (another Ray!) listens to “In the Air Tonight” before each game to psych himself up.

  5. Coley Ward says:

    I couldn’t not vote for the man who sings “Groovy kind of love.”

  6. I think Phil Collins would be an easy mark unless you pair him up with Phillip Bailey in, “Easy Lover.” This duet might be unstoppable. I would like to see how Dr. Phil matches up against Rachel Ray. Of course, that would be a hard one for Oprah to pick, no doubt, her Sophie’s Choice. There would be a lot of shots of her in a luxury suite like when Archie Manning was at the Colts vs. Giants game.

  7. Sarah Green says:

    What about an all-girl Ray v. Phil matchup—or dare I say, Ray v. Phyl? Yes, I am thinking Rachael Ray versus Phyllis Schlafly. One of these women helps you cook nutritious and delicious meals in thirty minutes or less so that you can spend your time doing other things, like being an astronaut or the President or a sports blogger. The other wanted to lock you in your home and force you to cook for endless hours while popping Valium, wiping up baby vomit, and having hallucinations about an egg beater that could double as a vibrator.

    The choice, I think is clear. Although it would be really cool to have an egg beater that I actually used.

  8. Sarah, no, the choice is so not clear. While I abhor what Schlafly stood for, I also abhor what Rachael Ray does to food on a daily basis.

  9. Let’s not forget former CBS, NFL Today hostess, Phyllis George. She could slug it out with acoustic guitar playing Indigo Girl, Amy Ray.

  10. what about infamous Martin Luther King assassin James Earl Ray vs. California serial killer and notorious death row penpal Philip Jablonski?

  11. for all the Ray J fans out there, one word: SUSSUDIO.

  12. Paul Moro says:

    Too soon, Lyndsay. Too soon.

  13. well this is one of the best posts I’ve ever seen on here, I am having lots of fun today. bravo!

  14. Paul Moro says:

    Well thank you, Lindsay. We work hard very hard here to provide you with such worthless insight.

  15. and I applaud you for that. mainly, I applaud that you have made me spend the day considering how getting a vinyl “No Jacket Required” for Christmas when I was 4,truly changed my Phil Collins appreciation level.

  16. Paul Moro says:

    someone gave you “no jacket required” when you were 4? seriously? i think that’s cooler than my claim (true) that “appetite for destruction” was my favorite album when i was seven. and i barely knew english back then.

  17. yes, and I STILL know all the words to “Billie don’t you lose my number” (most underrated PC song)…which I think is about a fugitive going on the run (correct me if I’m wrong)…and is probably just as appropriate as giving a 4 year old a copy of “Janie’s Got a Gun”.

  18. also – to explain a little further – my siblings are all 10 years older than me, so at age 2 I was exposed to The Clash and Sex Pistols, because they thought it would be funny for me to go up to our grandparents and sing “Rock the Casbah” to them.

  19. Yes, I believe you’re right about “Don’t Lose My Number”. But the beat on that song is nowhere near as ominous as the one for “Janie” (which is a far inferior song). So a four year old can handle it, I think, but not really understand. Whereas with “Janie”, it’s pretty freaking explicit. I mean, they found him underneath the train…

    And regarding “Rock the Casbah”, why would the sharif care if something was not kosher? Clearly, the Clash (while one of my favorite bands of all time) has no knowledge of Arabic culture.

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