The economy is in the tank. India and Pakistan have beef. Some “suspicious powders” are appearing in US Embassies – and neither Bobby Brown nor the 1986 Mets are involved. Let’s face it. 2008 kind of sucked.
But fear not. We can soon turn the calendar. And on the upside, terrible years beget great douches. Or is it the other way around?
Anyhow, it’s the 2008 edition of The Douchies – where we pay tribute to all the douchebags in the world of baseball.
Here we have our list of nominees for these most prestigious awards in the field of douchebaggery. But we need you to tell us who is most deserving of these honors. So let the voting commence!
This year’s nominees are:
The Reggie Jackson Award for Best Display of Attention-Grabbing
- Brad Penny – For emptying out his locker in the Dodgers clubhouse and disappearing without telling anyone… Before the playoffs even began.
- Brian Runge – Who proved once and for all that umps can bump too.
- New York Mets – You can’t give me the option of voting for Rick Astley and then take it away from me. Not cool.
- Parker the Bear - Dude… Threatening suicide is no way to raise attendance figures. Besides, no one cares.
- Umpbump.com - For picking on an old man. And the Chinese government. And nominating themselves for a Douchie.
The Curt Schilling Award for Comment Most Likely to Alienate Everyone
- C.J. Wilson - Calling your teammates “douchebags” kind of makes you a douchebag.
- Mike Nadel – Who wrote “Erin Andrews, the ESPN “it” babe who clearly isn’t afraid to flaunt it, sauntered around the visiting clubhouse, flitting from one Cubs player to another.” We think that there are probably better ways to start an article about a Cubs-Brewers game.
- J.P. Ricciardi – “Did you know (Adam Dunn) doesn’t really like baseball that much? Do you know the guy doesn’t have a passion to play the game that much?” No, J.P. We didn’t. But did YOU know that the Jays had an OPS+ of 94? Did you know that Adam Dunn could have helped with that?
- Wallace Matthews – “The fact that (Mindy McCready) was 15 and (Roger Clemens) was 28? Well, that one is a little tougher to get around, but these days, 15 is the new 30.”
- Douchebags – ““go back to the kitchen and make some grilled cheeze sammiches for your 3 kids.”
The Bette Midler “Did You Ever Know That You’re My Hero – But You Took a Cleveland Steamer on Me While I Slept” Award
- Al Reyes - And here we thought that ballplayers would be able to handle 500,000 volts rushing through them. We were wrong, and we’re sorely disappointed.
- Prince Fielder – Whether you’re a devoted carnivore or vegetarian, Prince Fielder can betray you either way.
- Rod Blagojevich – Screwing the Cubs out of money? Who do you think you are? Kosuke Fukudome?
- Paul Kinzer – We had never heard of this man until he and his client Rafael Furcal left the Braves’ baseballs blue. God willing, we will never hear of him again.
- Bernie Madoff - You stole from Mets’ owners Saul Katz and Fred Wilpon and many, many, many, many, many, many others… Now who’s going to pay Luis Castillo?
The “See This, NBA? We’re Crazy Too” Award
- Shelly Duncan – For zeroing his spikes in on another man’s nads.
- Ambiorix Burgos – This isn’t funny. At all. But nonetheless, it makes you a douche. Like, HUGE.
- Roger Clemens – How do you not know that hanging around 15-year old girls is totally inappropriate?
- Shawn Chacon – No matter how right it feels, you don’t choke Ed Wade.
- Julio Castillo – Who tried to fire a baseball into the opponents’ bench during a fight… But missed and threw it into the crowd instead. YOU’RE A PITCHER. HOW DID YOU MISS SO BADLY FROM SO CLOSE?
The Kevin Federline “Why Must You Keep Reminding Us of Your Douchiness” Award
- Jose Canseco – “Let’s see… I’ve shrunk my balls, profited from being a rat… What haven’t I done yet? Oh, right. Blackmail.”
- Alex Rodriguez – “No, no. A $50 bill would make me seem way too cheap. Who do you think I am? Trump?”
- Manny Ramirez – You push a traveling secretary down to the ground. When that proves to be not enough incentive for the Red Sox to trade you, you just stop working. Well played, sir.
And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Your 2008 nominees. All of these fine individuals would like to thank god and their mothers.