The 2nd Annual Douchie Awards – Now Even Fresher
The economy is in the tank. India and Pakistan have beef. Some “suspicious powders” are appearing in US Embassies – and neither Bobby Brown nor the 1986 Mets are involved. Let’s face it. 2008 kind of sucked.
But fear not. We can soon turn the calendar. And on the upside, terrible years beget great douches. Or is it the other way around?
Anyhow, it’s the 2008 edition of The Douchies – where we pay tribute to all the douchebags in the world of baseball.
Here we have our list of nominees for these most prestigious awards in the field of douchebaggery. But we need you to tell us who is most deserving of these honors. So let the voting commence!
This year’s nominees are:
The Reggie Jackson Award for Best Display of Attention-Grabbing
- Brad Penny – For emptying out his locker in the Dodgers clubhouse and disappearing without telling anyone… Before the playoffs even began.
- Brian Runge – Who proved once and for all that umps can bump too.
- New York Mets – You can’t give me the option of voting for Rick Astley and then take it away from me. Not cool.
- Parker the Bear - Dude… Threatening suicide is no way to raise attendance figures. Besides, no one cares.
- Umpbump.com - For picking on an old man. And the Chinese government. And nominating themselves for a Douchie.
Loading ...The Curt Schilling Award for Comment Most Likely to Alienate Everyone
- C.J. Wilson - Calling your teammates “douchebags” kind of makes you a douchebag.
- Mike Nadel – Who wrote “Erin Andrews, the ESPN “it” babe who clearly isn’t afraid to flaunt it, sauntered around the visiting clubhouse, flitting from one Cubs player to another.” We think that there are probably better ways to start an article about a Cubs-Brewers game.
- J.P. Ricciardi – “Did you know (Adam Dunn) doesn’t really like baseball that much? Do you know the guy doesn’t have a passion to play the game that much?” No, J.P. We didn’t. But did YOU know that the Jays had an OPS+ of 94? Did you know that Adam Dunn could have helped with that?
- Wallace Matthews – “The fact that (Mindy McCready) was 15 and (Roger Clemens) was 28? Well, that one is a little tougher to get around, but these days, 15 is the new 30.”
- Douchebags – ““go back to the kitchen and make some grilled cheeze sammiches for your 3 kids.”
Loading ...The Bette Midler “Did You Ever Know That You’re My Hero – But You Took a Cleveland Steamer on Me While I Slept” Award
- Al Reyes - And here we thought that ballplayers would be able to handle 500,000 volts rushing through them. We were wrong, and we’re sorely disappointed.
- Prince Fielder – Whether you’re a devoted carnivore or vegetarian, Prince Fielder can betray you either way.
- Rod Blagojevich – Screwing the Cubs out of money? Who do you think you are? Kosuke Fukudome?
- Paul Kinzer – We had never heard of this man until he and his client Rafael Furcal left the Braves’ baseballs blue. God willing, we will never hear of him again.
- Bernie Madoff - You stole from Mets’ owners Saul Katz and Fred Wilpon and many, many, many, many, many, many others… Now who’s going to pay Luis Castillo?
Loading ...The “See This, NBA? We’re Crazy Too” Award
- Shelly Duncan – For zeroing his spikes in on another man’s nads.
- Ambiorix Burgos – This isn’t funny. At all. But nonetheless, it makes you a douche. Like, HUGE.
- Roger Clemens – How do you not know that hanging around 15-year old girls is totally inappropriate?
- Shawn Chacon – No matter how right it feels, you don’t choke Ed Wade.
- Julio Castillo – Who tried to fire a baseball into the opponents’ bench during a fight… But missed and threw it into the crowd instead. YOU’RE A PITCHER. HOW DID YOU MISS SO BADLY FROM SO CLOSE?
Loading ...The Kevin Federline “Why Must You Keep Reminding Us of Your Douchiness” Award
- Jose Canseco – “Let’s see… I’ve shrunk my balls, profited from being a rat… What haven’t I done yet? Oh, right. Blackmail.”
- Alex Rodriguez – “No, no. A $50 bill would make me seem way too cheap. Who do you think I am? Trump?”
- Manny Ramirez – You push a traveling secretary down to the ground. When that proves to be not enough incentive for the Red Sox to trade you, you just stop working. Well played, sir.
Loading ...And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Your 2008 nominees. All of these fine individuals would like to thank god and their mothers.
December 29th, 2008 at 10:56 am
That last one isn’t fair – Manny/A Rod and Canseco are all grade A jackwads.
I went with Manny though, physical violence against someone much older than you is inexcusable. Plus – ARod is an albatross around the Yankees payroll, I like that.
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December 29th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
First time voter….
that was awesome. I laughed so hard, which isn’t good because I’m supposed to be working right now.
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December 29th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Yeah, A-Rod is a total albatross. The Yankees almost weren’t able to afford this offseason’s top three free agents.
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December 29th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
The Yanks have ARod signed for 10 years, 275 million. This is about 27 million/year. I know this is about 10% of their payroll, but he’s over 30, and will be over 40 when the deal is over.
He also missed some playing time last year to injury.
They Yankees have the 4 highest paid players in baseball, but oddly enough, they don’t have the 4 best players in baseball.
They don’t even have the 4 best players at their respective positions:
By Runs Created (courtesy of hardballtimes):
ARod is the 5th best 3B in MLB
Tex is around 5th best 1B (LAA ATL)
Jeter is 5th as well
CC – he’s fine, but the best pitcher in baseball? Not so much.
I’ll stand by my albatross comment.
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December 29th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Guys, I think we’re losing sight of the topic here. No matter how much the guys gets paid, he’s a douche.
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December 29th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Yeah, he is. I apologize – I thought I was posting in the “salary cap” thread – my mistake.
A Fraud, what a loser – he doesn’t even have his own Yankeeogrophy yet.
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December 29th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
The Bette Midler vote was a hard one. And sure enough, it’s by far the closest contest…
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December 29th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Bravo Paul, bravo. I had a really hard time picking between the “actual douchiest” douchebag and the douchebag that you had made sound especially amusing. In the end, I tried not to let your verbal gymnastics distract me and picked my douchebags according to the objective data at hand. But even so, with so much douchiness in the air this year, it was really, really hard to choose.
Re: the salary tangent, I must point out that douchery usually correlates with salary. The higher the salary, the higher the level of douchitude. (Although poor guys can definitely be douchey too. It’s like that thing how a square is always a rectangle but a rectangle isn’t always a square….or something.)
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December 29th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Oh, which is all by way of saying, YES A-ROD, YOU ARE A DOUCHEBAG.
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December 29th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
[...] Link: The Nasty Boys: UPDATE:I also found a website that is running their 2nd Annual Douchie Awards and Brad Penny is in the running for a prize. Penny had emptied out his locker at Dodger Stadium and [...]
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January 2nd, 2009 at 9:34 am
what, no Johnny Gomes?
thank you for the ability to vote Shelly Duncan. I was so glad that I didn’t have to see his doucheface again after that incident sent him down to the As. Matthew Lillard is extremely annoying and his name is “Shelly” and he wears pinstripes, nuff said.
what about Giambi? that ’stashe was just douchetastic!!!
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January 2nd, 2009 at 9:40 am
shouldn’t Clemens and Canseco basically get Douchebag Lifetime Achievement Awards or something? they are clearly in a class of their own. Although….I did feel a little bit sorry for Canseco after seeing his pathetic documentary on A&E. a little.
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January 2nd, 2009 at 9:43 am
I really wish Wallace Matthews would win this for basically condoning statutory rape and the exploitation of minors – or as we like to call it here in Mass, “coaching Walpole High football”.
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:49 am
Are you guys dead? Also, you have a spammer. :o
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