Last weekend at Citi Field, I ventured into Alyssa Milano’s Touch Boutique and came eye-to-pocket stitching with a pair of $85 Mets jeans. I’m not sure what my reaction was. Probably some combination of surprise, scorn, curiosity, scoffing, and acquisitiveness. I was repulsed by the idea…yet attracted by it, too. Disturbing.

In confusion, I stumbled out of the boutique and tried to forget what I’d seen.

Then, at Opening Day at Fenway Park on Tuesday, I saw team jeans again. Only this time, they were actually being worn by a real, live, moving person:

And that wasn’t the only gal I saw in the team jeans. They seemed to be everywhere! (In fact, I was hoping to get a series of photos of different derierres, all wearing Red Sox team jeans, but it turns out to be surprisingly difficult to sneak around taking surreptitious pictures of people’s butts without arousing suspicion.)

As is my wont whenever I run into a befuddling quandary, I reached out to BFF Suz. We came up with a list of questions, but – alas – very few answers:

1. Would a grown woman wearing these jeans look like a quote-unquote “teeny bopper slut”? Potentially. That would be regrettable, and would lead us to steer clear of them. However, we decided that if TWO grown women who are friends BOTH buy a pair, the teeny-bopper-slut effect will be mutually canceled out.

2. Are team jeans more or less classy than a pink hat? We decided – provisionally – that they are equal in relative lack of classiness. On the one hand, the jeans are not pink – score one point for the denim. On the other, you have a giant team logo on each butt cheek. Minus one point.

3. Is it impossible for something female-only (ie, something that a male sports fan would not wear) to be considered a legitimate “fan” item? This possibility distressed us, and we hoped this was not the case.

4. Are these jeans nothing more than a cynical attempt to prey on artificially inculcated vanity, restrictive gender norms, and the greater amount of coin women are generally willing to shell out for apparel in a crass attempt to take advantage of our heternormative brainwashing at the hands of a culture that objectifies our bodies, underestimates our minds, and undermines the power innate in our very femaleness? Almost certainly yes. However, at least men’s hoodies are nearly as expensive.

Umpbumpettes, tell us: would you wear these jeans?

15 Responses to “Team Jeans: Would You Wear Them?”

  1. Those hurt my eyes. Literally, they assault my eyes. It’s like looking into the blinding glare of direct sunlight: you close your eyes, and the image is still burned into your retinas.

  2. As soon as you said “Alyssa Milano”, I turned my head away in disgust and scrolled down here to leave an unhappy comment. So here’s your unhappy comment:

    What’s wrong with just wearing a jersey?

    Damn, I really hate Alyssa Milano.

  3. I will be beyond shocked if I see these assaults on humanity being worn by anyone at Wrigley on Monday. I will keep an eye out and report back. Hopefully this is just an East Coast phenomenon.
    If anyone is wearing these jeans then they shouldn’t be offended when you take a picture of them. If you do something this ridiculous in public you should expect people to notice, as well as point and laugh.

  4. Sarah Green says:

    I see you guys are not as conflicted as I am about the jeans. Yes, part of me sort of wants to maybe think about possibly wearing them (but only if Suz does too). Does this mean I should be seeking psychiatric help? Perhaps spiritual counseling?

  5. I’m not an umpbumpette – but I’m going to weigh in on this important topic.

    A couple of years ago – I was in Seattle, and the Sox were playing the Mariners. There were many Sox fans in town – which is always the case (I’m a Phils fan, but lived for a time in Boston – so I know the Sox phenomena well).

    I was at Pike Place market, and there were some Sox fans there, wearing:

    – Boston hat
    – Jacket
    – Jersey
    – Probably a t-shirt under the jersey
    – Probably a replica of both recent World Series rings
    – Sox boxers, but I couldn’t tell

    I believe they were buying more Sox stuff from a local vendor.

    The average Sox fan has enough team clothing to cover 75% of their body with some form of the “B” logo – I think both ass cheeks should remain unadorned.

    BTW – I’m going to have to take an advanced level English class to make sense of point #4.

  6. Sarah Green says:

    Sean, you raise an interesting point. When I was at Citi over the weekend, I saw plenty of fans decked out in orange and blue, but it wasn’t anything like what I’ve grown used to at the Fens. In fact, when I met my dad for Opening Day – wearing a Fenway Park tee under a long-sleeved Papelbon shirt under a Varitek hoodie – and confessed that I had been unable to find any of my assorted baseball caps (the classic red B on navy; the Ted Williams cap with the #9 on the front; the jungle camo; the PawSox hat; the 2007 Division Champions cap; or either the blue or the beige visor) which must be all in a box in some closet somewhere, he actually suggested buying a new cap because surely, surely I couldn’t go into the ballpark capless. (I kiboshed this idea when the vendor said that Opening Day caps were $25.)

    In fact, now that you mention it…I probably already have enough Red Sox merch even without the jeans. No need to seek spiritual or psychological guidance: the thought of my overstuffed dresser is deterrent enough.

  7. I asked my wife if she would wear these – she said, “Probably not, they look kind of trashy.”

    Sarah – you should have bought a hat – those guys at Twins need all the help they can get in these difficult economic times. It’s nice to hear that a family can still attend opening day – without getting tickets from a local banker or lawyer.

  8. well I guess I’m an Umpbumpette then. GOD Sarah, why do you tempt me to ask myself such questions? I already have a 10-page short story recounting my fantasized sexual experience with each Red Sox player worked out! (for the record, Papelbon= dirty talk that makes no sense; Tek’s got a map and game plan for every encounter), to which I ask, if we’re already tattooing our team allegiance on our asses, why not make jeans that are customized with your favorite player across the crotch? it says, this ass belongs to the team as a whole, but the other side belongs to Mike Lowell, (ladies you know what I’m talkin about! Lowell seems like a giver. also, Youk sweats a lot and has to shower after).

  9. If this woman had one ass instead of two, then perhaps this would be passable and even congratulatory. That said, these jeans shouldn’t be sold to women in Boston, but to all the fair weather female Red Sox fans in places not in Boston instead. That said, I bet Suz could pull off those jeans… but I am in no position to day that and therefore I claim anonymity.

  10. female Sox fans: we’re a bunch of classy broads! right, Sarah?

  11. Sarah Green says:

    Ben Opp, I was so proud of Team Umpbump for not ragging on this woman’s rather large boohiner. I thought, when I posted the picture, “Of course a bunch of douchey guys are going to call her a fatass, but oh well.” But it hadn’t happened! Days had passed! It seemed that Umpbump readership had matured and mellowed, like a fine wine! Until you came along. Oh well.

    Lyndsay, I find that your “predictions” resonate. I also agree about the crotch-branding. Maybe the MLB-merch people can do that with the inevitable Red Sox bikini. Then we could label crotch, ass, and each boob! Each for a different player! I could see such a swimsuit being a big hit along the B-Line.

  12. Frankly, I’m a little surprised. I always figured you were an ass man, Opp.

  13. Seriously – you thought there wasn’t a Red Sox bikini:

    It’s way too much clothing for Revere Beach – but maybe it can be worn at the Cape.

  14. Sarah Green says:

    You know, I suspected even as I typed that there might be a RS bikini. A quiet voice whispered a shadow of doubt in my mind. I wondered if maybe I should google it. But I decided no – no, there are some suspicions it’s better not to have confirmed.

  15. I am going to admit – I kind of like the RS bikini. For the beach only though – you know there are some that are going to (and I hope I’m not at this game!) try it out at Fenway.

    speaking of which – guys going shirtless at Fenway = WHYYYYY??? why take off your shirt in public? just…why? there’s no need. NO NEED! I want an explanation!

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