Last weekend at Citi Field, I ventured into Alyssa Milano’s Touch Boutique and came eye-to-pocket stitching with a pair of $85 Mets jeans. I’m not sure what my reaction was. Probably some combination of surprise, scorn, curiosity, scoffing, and acquisitiveness. I was repulsed by the idea…yet attracted by it, too. Disturbing.
In confusion, I stumbled out of the boutique and tried to forget what I’d seen.
Then, at Opening Day at Fenway Park on Tuesday, I saw team jeans again. Only this time, they were actually being worn by a real, live, moving person:
And that wasn’t the only gal I saw in the team jeans. They seemed to be everywhere! (In fact, I was hoping to get a series of photos of different derierres, all wearing Red Sox team jeans, but it turns out to be surprisingly difficult to sneak around taking surreptitious pictures of people’s butts without arousing suspicion.)
As is my wont whenever I run into a befuddling quandary, I reached out to BFF Suz. We came up with a list of questions, but – alas – very few answers:
1. Would a grown woman wearing these jeans look like a quote-unquote “teeny bopper slut”? Potentially. That would be regrettable, and would lead us to steer clear of them. However, we decided that if TWO grown women who are friends BOTH buy a pair, the teeny-bopper-slut effect will be mutually canceled out.
2. Are team jeans more or less classy than a pink hat? We decided – provisionally – that they are equal in relative lack of classiness. On the one hand, the jeans are not pink – score one point for the denim. On the other, you have a giant team logo on each butt cheek. Minus one point.
3. Is it impossible for something female-only (ie, something that a male sports fan would not wear) to be considered a legitimate “fan” item? This possibility distressed us, and we hoped this was not the case.
4. Are these jeans nothing more than a cynical attempt to prey on artificially inculcated vanity, restrictive gender norms, and the greater amount of coin women are generally willing to shell out for apparel in a crass attempt to take advantage of our heternormative brainwashing at the hands of a culture that objectifies our bodies, underestimates our minds, and undermines the power innate in our very femaleness? Almost certainly yes. However, at least men’s hoodies are nearly as expensive.
Umpbumpettes, tell us: would you wear these jeans?