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Sarah and I will be live-blogging today’s Sox-Phils tilt. Game time is 1:35 p.m. EST. It’s Beckett vs. Happ, and somehow, ESPN’s Accuscore projection says the Phils are favored. I guess you can’t argue with science.

Hi there, team. Sarah here. Coley and I had intended to essentially g-chat and just post updates from our sure-to-be-witty, trash-talking chat, but we forgot about the MLB.tv delay. So, we’re taking it inning by inning. Should be interesting.

Top First – Sarah:

Sarah: UGH LUGO LEADING OFF
Coley: Lugo had four hits yesterday
Sarah: I know there’s a downside there somewhere – we just don’t know what it is yet
Coley: If the Phils win this game it’s going to be a miracle. Beckett is on a roll right now, and JA Happ, like Bastardo, is due to get figured out.
Sarah: Lugo strikes out, then spends 5 min talking to umpire. Typical
Coley: The game has started already? Shit. I am on a delay – Happ just delivered the first pitch
me: Well, this should make it interesting. You’re about to see something exciting involving jacoby ellsbury!
(Jacoby bunts his way on to first, then acrobatically leaps out of the way of Ryan Howard to avoid a tangle.)
(A few minutes pass)
(Jacoby steals second, Howard’s throw gets past Jimmy Rollins, Jacoby to third.)
Sarah: hahahahahahhahaha. Wait til you see what’s about to happen!
Coley: I hate this stupid delay.
(But, of course, it all comes to nothing as Jacoby is stranded on third, and Bay on first, when Mike Lowell flies out. Oh well.)
Coley: jayson werth’s sunglasses are terrible. baseball eyewear in general is bad
Sarah: new category? Unfortunate Baseball Eyewear?

Bot First – Sarah:

I miss the first two outs while updating this post. Also, I’m currently living with my parents (ONLY BRIEFLY! I AM NOT A BLOGGER WHO LIVES IN HER PARENTS’ BASEMENT! SHUT UP, MURRAY. Of course I wouldn’t live in the stupid basement. I live in my old bedroom.) which means that they keep interrupting me as I attempt to liveblog. Suddenly out of nowhere I watch as Beckett fields a slow roller by firing an apparent 96-mph fastball at Kevin Youkilis, who has to do some sort of aerial somersault to stop it from going into the outfield. Now there are runners at the corners I have no idea what is going on. This liveblog is going to suck.
(Phillies grab a run. Somehow.)

Top Second – Coley:
Rocco Baldelli leads off the inning with a home run. Game tied 1-1. Nick Green follows with another solo shot. 2-1. Phillies commenter Chris Wheeler says, “everything is up right now.”

Sarah: think the red sox have figured out happ already?
Coley: maybe.
Sarah: maybe he is happ-less!!!
Sarah: or had a mis-happ?

Beckett comes to bat with one on and no outs.

Sarah: omg, beckett is hitting. don’tgethurt, don’tgethurt!!!
Coley: he’s gonna get a blister.
Sarah: on his oblique
Beckett flies out to right-center.

First and third with one out, Ellsbury flies to deep right and Kotteras tags. 3-1.

Jason Bay comes to the plate with runners on first and second and hits a single up the middle, scoring Lugo from second. The Sox have now batted around in the inning. Ugh.

Sarah: god i want the red sox to re-sign jason bay
Coley: I don’t think they will, unless Jason gives them a discount
Sarah: yeah
Coley: his defense is pretty shitty

Bot Second

The Phils come to bat and 2nd round draft pick Kelly Dugan is in the booth. His dad directed Billy Madison and they just showed video from an impromptu press conference attended by Sandler and some other comedians. Phils go down in order.

Top 3rd – Sarah

Baldelli quickly gets out, but Nick Green is 2 for 2 with a little bloop to center! These clowns are the World Champions?? (If you can’t tell, it’s Sarah blogging again) The Sox announcers today are regular play-by-play man Don Orsillo and fill-in color commentator Dave “The Steal” Roberts. Unfortunately, Dave is brand new as a commentator and not off to what I would call a hot start (though he’s slowly improving). I fear my memories of ’04 becoming tainted by his monotonous voice and uninteresting observations.

Sox back-up catcher George Kottaras draws his second walk of the game. With Lugo at short, Green at second, Baldelli in right, and Kottaras behind the dish, this almost feels like a spring training game to me. The Sox definitely have their b-squad in.

Orsillo notes that Happ is already up to 70 pitches with one out in the third.

Hahahahhaahhaa Beckett bunts it foul with two strikes, and is out. That’s embarrassing. I think I did that once in MLB2K8.

Lugo draws a walk. He has now been on base twice: single, walk. I still hate him. Bases loaded, two out.

Ellsbury flies out, leavin’ em loaded. 4-1 Boston.

Bot Third – Sarah
Jimmy Rollins begins the frame by immediately flying out. Victorino follows up by striking out, looking, on a nasty pitch from Beckett. I love the Phillies’ unis – they look so good, even when they’re in the process of getting BRUTALLY SWEPT AT HOME. (Knock on wood.) Chase Utley is out and the inning is over before I even have time to glance up and see who’s hitting.

Top Fourth – Coley
Youk leads off with a strikeout.

Gary Matthews Sr. is in the booth, replacing Chris Wheeler. They’re talking about Sarge’s new book, which I assume has something to do with baseball. I’m guessing that, like Sarge’s commentary, it’s devoid of any useful information. Don’t get me wrong, I love Sarge. Seems like he’d be fun to hang out with. I totally understand why Obama likes him. But he’s got nothing useful to say.

The Red Sox go down in order. For once.

Bot Fourth – Coley:
Tom McCarthy: (Spouts off stats about how good Beckett is)
Sarge: He’s no picnic. You’d just as soon not face him in a rotation.
Coley: Yup (drinks beer).

Phils go down in order.

Top 5th – Sarah:
Happ retires the Red Sox so quickly, my browser is still waiting to load when the game goes back to commercial. He’s retired six in a row now. Happ-y days are here again?

Bot 5th – Sarah:
Pedro Feliz makes solid contact and lines one into center-right, over the leaping Nick Green. Coste steps in – and another single! Happ squares to bunt, does so, moves the runners to second and third.

Coley: back to back hits!
Sarah: yeah!!
Coley: it’s a contact hitting revolution!

Coley: uff, Johan Santana gave up like 11 runs today against the Yanks
Sarah: god the mets are so fucked
Coley: true. though they’re only 3 games out
Sarah: true. it seems like every time i hear about them though, they are losing
Coley: but if Santana goes on the DL, then they’re totally screwed

Here’s Jimmy Rollins. And Beckett knocks him down! An inside pitch that threatened his ability to create mini-Rollinses.

Coley: I think rollins is 1 for his last 22. He’s so due

Rollins grounds out. But an RBI comes in the back door! 4-2. Victorino drops one into shallow right, and Baldelli plays it on the hop. Phillies score their third run, and the crowd revives as it’s now just a one-run game. Pitching coach John Farrell comes out to talk to Beckett. Victorino at first, two down, 4-3. Utley steps in.

Note to baseball gods: I would please like to retract my earlier, unfortunate choice of words, “BRUTALLY SWEPT.” Also “CLOWNS.” Thank you.

Coley: Baldelli is playing way too deep. He’s cost the Sox two runs in this game. he’s playing about five feet in front of the warning track

Mike Lowell gets a grounder, throws to first, bounces the throw, Youk can’t dig it out. Ball bounces off Youk’s arm and into the dugout. Utley now at second, Victorino at third and OH GREAT here’s Ryan Howard.

Sarah: uuuuuuugh Mike Lowell
Coley: don’t ruin it! I’m not there yet!

Howard doubles, sends in Victorino and Utley, Phillies take the lead.

Sarah: AAAAAAAAAAH
Coley: I just saw the Lowell error. ugly
Sarah: yeah, so lame. but i don’t know why youk couldn’t handle it, it wasn’t that bad a hop
Coley: no, you’re right. he should have had that one

I’m waiting for Coley’s MLB.TV to show him the Howard double.

Coley: weee! Ryan Howard!

There it is! And now, in real time, Howard has stolen third.

Coley: I want to say right now, for the record, that if Charlie Manuel brings in Chan Ho Park to pitch while the Phillies have the lead, I’m going to go ape shit.
Sarah: ok. i’ll get the ape shit ready

Werth lines out to third and Lowell nabs it. FINALLY, inning is over. But – as they say – the damage has been done. It is not very Beckettian to let them get all these hits (and now runs) with two outs.

Top Sixth – Coley

Josh Beckett, who was throwing batting gloves in the dugout between innings, leads off the inning with a solo shot on the first pitch. 5-5.

Sarah: sox announcers said it was an “angry swing”

Julio Lugo walks. He’s been on base 7 times in the past two games. He’s so hot right now. Zack Galifianakis hot.

Coley: Lugo is so hot right now
Sarah: ugh. i hope it lets the red sox trade him
Coley: wishful thinking

Phils turn a double play. Now Chan Ho Park is coming in to relieve Happ. This game could get ugly real quick, not that it’s been all that pretty so far.

Park gets a quick out. Let’s hope the Phils get the chance to pinch hit for him in the bottom half of the inning.

Bot Sixth – Coley
Fantasy baseball alert!
Coley: YES!
I got Alejandro to trade me Jimmy Rollins for Vlad Guerrero!
Sarah: ooh
he’s so screwed
how do you do it coley?
Coley: I’m a genius

Pedro Feliz leads off the inning with a single to the opposite field. Feliz is now hitting .313 on the year. When the Phils signed Feliz, there was some speculation that he could hit 30 HRs playing at Citizen’s Bank Park. So far this season he’s got three HR. So that hasn’t panned out. But nobody thought he’d learn to hit to the opposite field. And somehow, he has.

I’m beside myself that the Phils didn’t pinch hit for Park when they had the chance, and then Park responded by dogging it to first on an infield single.

Top 7th – Sarah

Bay gets on base for the second time today. Again, I want the Sox to sign him, shitty defense or no. Lowell comes up to bat and hits an easy, soft ball to the Amazing, Godlike, Universally Adored Chase Utley and – OOOOH UTLEY DROPS IT! HA!

Coley: that play by Utley was fantastic. dropping the ball on purpose? I think that’s something I used to try in little league. that’s so ballsy
Sarah: he dropped it on purpose?
Coley: yeah, so he could turn a double play. but the ump called the infield fly rule
Sarah: the sox announcers had a different reaction
Coley: what did they say?
Sarah: they laughed at him. they were like, haha your all-star 2b can’t remember how to catch the ball. obv. the infield fly rule would be in effect
Coley: no, he dropped it on purpose, and then the ump gave him grief about it. and Utley smiled. which never happens
Sarah: but with the infield fly rule, it doesn’t matter
Coley: right
Sarah: so why pretend to drop it at all?
Coley: but it was close enough to a line drive that it could have maybe been interpreted as line drive and not a fly ball
Sarah: ha that was NOT a liner
Coley: Utley was trying to sell it as a line drive, but the ump was having none of it. and the ump told Utley as much. and Utley smiled, b/c he knew he was full of shit
Sarah: ah okay. i’ll buy that
Coley: but still, you’ve got to admire the attempt
Sarah: that actually makes sense, b/c the sox announcers did say something about “trying to sell it” but i thought they were talking about selling the catch. i don’t know if it is because roberts is a bad announcer, or because i’m typing instead of listening. and i did have one entire beer. anyway somehow while we were debating that the frame ended, and the game is still tied

Bot 7th – Sarah
Leadoff homer for Rollins!

Coley: The Phils need to score this inning, before the Sox turn it over to their bullpen

God I hate the MLB.tv delay.

Sarah: Alejandro is going to regret that trade

Victorino follows up with a base hit. Ummmm. Why is Beckett still out there?

Coley: J-Ro! He jacked that
Coley: they gave him the silent treatment in the dugout. Awesome.
Sarah: for real?
Coley: yeah
Sarah: or was it the fake silent treatment?
Coley: like they do to rookies. the fake silent treatment. now everybody is hugging
Sarah: ah ok. they’re not showing that on the sox feed
Coley: that’s b/c the sox hate baseball, fun, and puppies

Ah. Terry Francona has had the same thought. Here he comes to collect his hurler. Daniel Bard comes in to pitch for Boston, with the Phillies now up 6-5 and no outs.

Coley: You’re done, Josh.
SUCK IT
Sarah: heh
Coley: he really is a douche. did you see him in the dugout in between innings bitching? I’ll bet you $1K that he was chewing out Rocco for playing so deep. he was yakking on the mound when a couple of those balls fell in front of Rocco. And then he told the fans about the dugout to fuck off on his way to the clubhouse. Class!
Sarah: what really? i didn’t see any of that. The sox announcers said that he was just frustrated with himself b/c he’s throwing stuff off the plate and the phils are still hitting it
Coley: ha. Comcast just showed a Backett-cursing montage. (not just cursing, of course – also throwing things. and tripping on the dugout steps)
Sarah: man i wish i hadn’t missed that….but they wouldn’t show that on NESN
Coley: no, NESN is like Communist Russia
Sarah: ha – where we are spoon-fed lies by attractive blonde females?
Coley: Heidi!
Sarah: who may or may not be romantically involved with the ballplayers?

Chase Utley dashes from first to second on a Ryan Howard grounder, slides hard into Julio Lugo, and in response Lugo’s throw ends up flying by Bard, who makes a valiant effort to grab it, but can’t.

Sarah: i see why you get such a hard on for chase utley – he broke up that DP like a champ. plus, somehow the official scorer gave lugo an error! even though i don’t see how even his Evilness was supposed to make the play with chase’s legs taking him out
Coley: well, somebody’s got to get an error
Sarah: you can’t assume the DP
Coley: and Lugo did throw it into right field
Sarah: usually you wouldn’t get an error on that
Coley: no, you’d always get an error on that. he could have just held on to the ball
Sarah: true, that’s probably a better choice in that sitch
Coley: def – in retrospect
Sarah: i’m glad you convinced me, because now i can go back to hating him even more
Coley: you’re welcome. and welcome to the Chase Utley fan club. there’s always room for one more.

Werth hits a ball that misses being a homer by about 0.5 inches.

Coley: oh Werth CRUSHED that. god that was a good looking swing.
Sarah: ha. keep it in your pants, ward
Coley: one of the best looking swings I’ve seen all year. close the line on Beckett today: seven runs, six earned.

Feliz adds some more 2-out ribbies to Philly’s tally for the day. 9-5 Phillies.

Coley: remind me to do a post about how Pedro Feliz has magically learned how to hit to the opposite field.

Bard intentionally walks some dude to get to pitcher Chan Ho Park. And then….

Sarah: OH MY GOD. SPOILER ALERT. BARD WALKS PARK ON FOUR FUCKING PITCHES.

Tito goes back to the pen, brings in Saito. Who promptly hits Rollins with a pitch. Ummmm, intentional anyone?! Although actually, I don’t know why you’d intentionally hit someone with the bases loaded.

And Saito comes inside on Victorino, now! Walks him! 11-5! Four walks in the inning! UGLY.

Coley: earlier tonight, the trivia question was, “Who has the highest single-season road batting average in Sox history?”
Sarah: williams?
Coley: of course
Sarah: what a silly q
Coley: Phils commenter Chris Wheeler guesses “Youk?”
Sarah: wtff?! (that’s “what the fucking fuck” if you’re keeping score at home)

Top Eighth – Coley
Kotteras hits one in the gap to left-center, Bruntlett bobbles, the Sox catcher ends up on third. Boooo!

Papi comes to the plate as a pinch hitter. Fan just held up a sign that says, “Papi eye chart” and then there are a bunch of backward and forward Ks.

Papi walks. Lugo hits a sac fly. 11-6.

Phone rings. I miss the rest of the top half of the inning. But I don’t miss anything exciting (I don’t think). The score remains 11-6.

Bot 8th – Coley
Phils come up in the bottom half and do nothing.

Top 9th – Sarah
I am completely spent. Exhausted. Depleted. Bereft. Empty. I secretly hope Jason Bay will strike out just to end this madness that – much – sooner. He flies out. I feel secretly glad. I hate myself, but not too much, as I don’t have the energy to *really* hate myself.

Lowell gets on base. Fans boo. Kotsay works a full count, then hits it to Victorino in center.

Only one out stands between me and the beautiful freedom of this game being over.

Nicky Green steps in.

END IT, NICK. END IT. JUST. DO IT.

Madson falls behind, 2-1. God, what’s wrong with this guy? GO FOR THE JUGULAR!!!

Uuuuuuugh Nick Green dumps one into shallow left for his third hit of the day, keeping the Red Sox alive. Goddammit.

Kottaras steps in. Madson throws a strike. YES. Madson throws one in the dirt. NO. Kottaras mercifully flies out.

Did someone say OUT?! Because that’s what I am, right now.

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