The All-Hot Team
Pujols polishes his wood
We here at Umpbump have done quite a few all-time teams. We’ve also cataloged quite a series of Hot Baseball Wives. In this post, I will attempt the acrobatic feat of bridging the twain. Yes, reader: The All-Hot Team.
For reasons of attention span, or specifically, the lack of it, I am focusing on current major leaguers. However, I’m happy to take your all-time hot nominees (and anyone I may have inadvertently left off) in the comments. The only criteria? A player needs to be physically attractive as well as moderately talented. After all, we want Team Hottie to be able to old their own against Team Canada, or the All-Mormon Team. Not to mention the All-Ugly Team, which is next on my list.
Without further ado, I give you:
1B: Albert Pujols (he’s pretty easy on the eyes, but his OPS is still the hottest thing about him)
2B: Chase Utley (would have been Ian Kinsler but Chase finally cut off this mess)
SS: Derek Jeter (one for the gentlemen out there!)
New life goal: be that t-shirt
3B: David Wright (yes…you can actually call him “Mr. [W]Right”)
RF: Nick Markakis (pronounced properly, it’s Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmarkakis)
LF: Ryan Braun (thanks to these Bette Davis eyes)
CF: Jacoby Ellsbury (thanks to…well…everything)
DH: Pat Burrell (soley on the basis of this photo and the fact that Ladies… proclaimed his ass the best in all of baseball. And I trust their judgment.)
C: Joe Mauer (more like “Joe Mrowr”)
Bench: Gabe Kapler, Curtis Granderson, Grady Sizemore, Torii Hunter, Ichiro*
*Don’t know what it is about outfielders, but apparently most of them are hot. This led to something of a logjam (so to speak), and hence a disproportionate number of OFs on the bench. Your suggestions for “hotility infielders” welcomed in the comments.
So hot, he's Cole
P1: Roy Halladay (likes to play “Doc”)
P2: Cole Hamels (the ace of the “staff”)
P3: Andy Pettitte (wants to know if you want to “Pettitte”)
P4: Rich Harden (Huh huh huh…his name is “Harden.” Heh heh, I said “Harden.”)
CL: Huston Street (nevermind the crooked grin; the name alone sounds like a Harlequin hero: “Oh Mr. Street!” she whimpered, melting into his arms. “Darling, he huskily murmured, “Call me Huston.”)
Our fifth starter is still up for grabs (so to speak…) so leave your nominations in the comments. The future of the All-Hot team is in your hands (so to speak).
(So to speak.)
June 29th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
this is stunningly accurate.
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June 29th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Braun doesn’t have Bette Davis eyes those are bug eyes. Not to mention the whole wardrobe issue;
http://deadspin.com/5277789/ryan-braun-would-like-to-help-you-grease-up-your-wardrobe
Other than Braun it’s a great list. I will nominate Ted Lilly for the 5th starter, not just for his looks but he’s a little psycho under the surface. Did you consider a Manager for the team? That would not be an easy find.
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June 29th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Melissa, it would not be hard to find a hot manager. Joe Maddon is clearly it. The glasses. The brains. The silver hair. I wish he were my manager.
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June 30th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Yeah, Joe Maddon is def. the manager.
Ania, thank you.
Melissa, which LF would you nominate to fill a void left by Braun? I agree that those are some seriously hideous duds and may in fact disqualify him for hot-teammage.
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July 1st, 2009 at 1:15 am
If you’re looking for another OF, don’t overlook the Korean Don Johnson:
http://slanchreport.com/2009/06/12/a-truly-great-stadium-give-away/
As for a 5th starter, I’d take Mike Pelfrey. How can you pass up a guy who’s been nicknamed “Big Pelf”? Not as suggestive as “The Big Unit” but with a lot less mullet.
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July 1st, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Sarah, I would go with the All-Star format and just select the 3 hottest outfielders regardless of position. Grady Sizemore could play my left field any day of the week and twice on Sundays. If forced to pick a true left fielder then what’s wrong with the Canadian boy next door Jason Bay? I would also give Matt Holliday a LF nomination as long as he kept his hat on.
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July 1st, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Melissa, you speak words of wisdom. I would love to get Jacoby and Grady in the same outfield (so to speak).
But I *hate* that lame-o All-Star method of just picking 3 OFs, as if they are all interchangeable. Does anyone want to see Manny Ramirez in center field??? I think not.
Re: Bay – sadly, he has no lips.
Re: Holliday – good point about Holliday’s hat. Hadn’t thought of that. Instead, got stuck at an impasse when I couldn’t decide if he looked cute (hat on), or like a douchebag (hat off). I like your “third way” approach to problem-solving.
I see I have much still to learn, Melissa-Wan.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 1:01 am
THANK YOU SARAH for this post! I knew you had me in mind, especially posting the best picture ever (are there rules and regs in the MLB playbook saying they MUST wear shirts in the field?) really though, it might just be that he has the thickest nicest head of hair out there next to Mike Lowell (who I think should be nominated as backup 3rd baseman for the all-hot team for his Clooney-esque qualities.)
Please also don’t forget dreamy-eyed Alex Rios, and Jason Bartlett.
as for pitchers, I nominate Jeremy Guthrie – I’ve always thought Jeremy Guthrie is adorable/hot in a Jon Gosselin kind of way.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 1:04 am
can we also kinda sorta maybe consider George Kottaras as a backup catcher? George Kottaras is hot.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 1:20 am
pitchers are, by and large, pretty fuckin ugly. but I have managed to come up with some other pitcher possibles:
Rick Porcello
Scott Kazmir
Joel Piniero
Nick Adenhart, posthumously
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July 2nd, 2009 at 1:24 am
Melissa – the problem with Jason Bay is that you can’t leave him out there in the sun without SPF 90. he’s so pale he’s almost see-thru.
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July 2nd, 2009 at 1:30 am
this team NEEDS Kinsler as a hotility infielder. and little Brian Roberts – I think he’s always been cute.
hotility outfielder – have we forgotten about Josh Hamilton???
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July 3rd, 2009 at 12:04 am
ooooo! 5th starter – Kyle Lohse!
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July 6th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Being “incensed” was tongue-in-cheek. :o
Though I am slightly biased towards Mattycakes.
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July 6th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Jason Varitek missed the cut for catcher? Say it ain’t so, Sarah.
See these photos:
http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/gallery/11_13_08_varitek?pg=14
http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/gallery/11_13_08_varitek?pg=16
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July 8th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
how “good” do they have to be?
Because George Kottaras is quite easy on the eyes. :-)
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July 11th, 2009 at 2:52 am
so Sarah, when do we hear about the final All-Hot roster?
then we need to pick the All-Ugly team, and have them play eachother.
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July 25th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Derek Jeter? Puh-lease, the hottest shortstop in baseball plays on the other side of town ;) How you could you miss Reyes’ gorgeous smile that lights up his entire (handsome) face? It’s the most obvious thing about him! Not to mention his exciting play (some chicks dig the long ball, but I’m partial to base stealing ;P), incredible bone structure, slender build, and hot butt. I swear, I like him for more than that though! xD
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July 28th, 2009 at 11:46 am
For pitchers, I’d have to say Matt Garza. Tim Lincecum is adorable, but I feel a bit dirty saying that.
As for infielders, I’d suggest Nomar, even though his body is probably held together by his Truly Excellent Wife’s prowess (somehow).
There is indeed a logjam of outfielders. I could stare at Andre Ethier for longer than I’d like to admit.
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August 19th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Ivy – yes, I’ve just discovered Ethier!! He’s an undiscovered gem. I nominate Andre Ethier for the All-Hot Outfield!
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August 19th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
whenever I look at Tim Lincecum I think of Mitch Kramer from Dazed and Confused. he’s not on my hot list.
Garza? seriously? sorry, I think he’s repulsive. the excessive expectorating doesn’t turn you off? he reminds me of Jafar from Aladdin. to each his own, I guess…
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August 19th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
can we nominate a hot GM for this All-Hot Team?
if so…Theo Epstein wins it hands down, no contest!
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September 9th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
This may not be the most heterosexual thing I’ve ever typed, but Bobby Crosby of the A’s is one damn good looking man. There was an A’s TV ad where he gets mistaken for Brad Pitt. He may not have the talent of an Ichiro or Utley, but his ROY back in ‘04 should at least qualify him for that hotility infielder position, right? I’m pretty sure his looks are why Billy Beane keeps him around (him and Chavez).
Also, if you’re serious about demoting Braun due to awful fashion, might this sway you towards Curtis Granderson, who by the way is a perfect gentleman:
http://www.grafxhq.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/curtisgranderson.jpg
http://www.grafxhq.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/curtisgranderson1.jpg
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I’m glad to see some of you have mentioned Scott Kazmir, Alex Rios and the hottest of them all Nick Markakis. Doesnt anybody like Andy Sonanstine?
http://pics.tampabay.com/?method=view.image¶m=35656¶m=188&category=408
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February 9th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Love this list… the top three are definitely my top three, the only thing missing is Evan Longoria….. mmmm hmmm :)
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