Pujols polishes his wood

We here at Umpbump have done quite a few all-time teams. We’ve also cataloged quite a series of Hot Baseball Wives. In this post, I will attempt the acrobatic feat of bridging the twain. Yes, reader: The All-Hot Team.

For reasons of attention span, or specifically, the lack of it, I am focusing on current major leaguers. However, I’m happy to take your all-time hot nominees (and anyone I may have inadvertently left off) in the comments. The only criteria? A player needs to be physically attractive as well as moderately talented. After all, we want Team Hottie to be able to old their own against Team Canada, or the All-Mormon Team. Not to mention the All-Ugly Team, which is next on my list.

Without further ado, I give you:

1B: Albert Pujols (he’s pretty easy on the eyes, but his OPS is still the hottest thing about him)
2B: Chase Utley (would have been Ian Kinsler but Chase finally cut off this mess)
SS: Derek Jeter (one for the gentlemen out there!)

New life goal: be that t-shirt

New life goal: be that t-shirt

3B: David Wright (yes…you can actually call him “Mr. [W]Right”)
RF: Nick Markakis (pronounced properly, it’s Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmarkakis)
LF: Ryan Braun (thanks to these Bette Davis eyes)
CF: Jacoby Ellsbury (thanks to…welleverything)
DH: Pat Burrell (soley on the basis of this photo and the fact that Ladies… proclaimed his ass the best in all of baseball. And I trust their judgment.)
C: Joe Mauer (more like “Joe Mrowr”)

Bench: Gabe Kapler, Curtis Granderson, Grady Sizemore, Torii Hunter, Ichiro*

*Don’t know what it is about outfielders, but apparently most of them are hot. This led to something of a logjam (so to speak), and hence a disproportionate number of OFs on the bench. Your suggestions for “hotility infielders” welcomed in the comments.

So hot, hes Cole

So hot, he's Cole

P1: Roy Halladay (likes to play “Doc”)
P2: Cole Hamels (the ace of the “staff”)
P3: Andy Pettitte (wants to know if you want to “Pettitte”)
P4: Rich Harden (Huh huh huh…his name is “Harden.” Heh heh, I said “Harden.”)

CL: Huston Street (nevermind the crooked grin; the name alone sounds like a Harlequin hero: “Oh Mr. Street!” she whimpered, melting into his arms. “Darling, he huskily murmured, “Call me Huston.”)

Our fifth starter is still up for grabs (so to speak…) so leave your nominations in the comments. The future of the All-Hot team is in your hands (so to speak).

(So to speak.)

25 Responses to “The All-Hot Team”

  1. whenever I look at Tim Lincecum I think of Mitch Kramer from Dazed and Confused. he’s not on my hot list.

    Garza? seriously? sorry, I think he’s repulsive. the excessive expectorating doesn’t turn you off? he reminds me of Jafar from Aladdin. to each his own, I guess…

  2. can we nominate a hot GM for this All-Hot Team?

    if so…Theo Epstein wins it hands down, no contest!

  3. This may not be the most heterosexual thing I’ve ever typed, but Bobby Crosby of the A’s is one damn good looking man. There was an A’s TV ad where he gets mistaken for Brad Pitt. He may not have the talent of an Ichiro or Utley, but his ROY back in ’04 should at least qualify him for that hotility infielder position, right? I’m pretty sure his looks are why Billy Beane keeps him around (him and Chavez).

    Also, if you’re serious about demoting Braun due to awful fashion, might this sway you towards Curtis Granderson, who by the way is a perfect gentleman:


  4. I’m glad to see some of you have mentioned Scott Kazmir, Alex Rios and the hottest of them all Nick Markakis. Doesnt anybody like Andy Sonanstine?

  5. Love this list… the top three are definitely my top three, the only thing missing is Evan Longoria….. mmmm hmmm :)

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