A few months ago, I went through a partial list of my favorite active player names. So to all of you who read it, I have but one question.

WHY THE HELL DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME THAT THERE IS A CONTEST TO DETERMINE THE BEST NAME IN THE MINORS??? This has been going on for over three years now, people. At least one of you must have known about it and chose not to tell me. Well screw you, random reader. Screw you, indeed.

To the rest of you who were as ignorant as I, it’s basically an NCAA-style bracket where viewers can vote on which names makes them giggle (for me, it’s Seth Schwindenhammer and of course, Rowdy Hardy).  Only one round has been completed so far and there already have been some upsets as number 1 seed Forrest Snow (who never should have been seeded so high to begin with) was predictably taken down by #16 Gookie Dawkins. So clearly, this seeding system is incredibly flawed and we need to right these wrongs.

So I ask you all to keep checking this page, just to make sure that a man named Sequoyah Stonecipher does not lose to Jarrod Saltalamacchia. Because let’s face it. Salty’s only there because he’s already a recognizable player among the MLB fanbase. You do not beat Sequoyah Stonecipher, sir. That is a name that belongs in a sci-fi video game where the character is voiced by Casper Van Dien.

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