An Open Letter to the Sun-Times

A year ago, when the Chicago White Sox became World Series Champions, the Chicago Sun-Times decided to fire* their columnist Jay Marriotti, but, to the surprise of everyone in the moribund newspaper industry, they decided against finding a replacement, and, what’s worse, they continued to print their paper with a broad white space in lieu of Mariotti’s column. Prompting many concerned readers to write letters to the editor.

Here’s a sample letter that, for reasons unbeknownst to us, was delivered to the UmpBump front desk:

Dear editors at the ST

While I applaud you for eliminating a certain ass out of your columnists lineup, I can’t stand to watch as you continue to print your fine paper with all that blank space. I’m sure your advertising coordinator, or your marketing manager, or someone with half a gram of decency working for your fine publication, realizes that printing empty space on a newspaper is bad business.
I, along with many Chicagoans, grew tired of Mr. Mariotti’s constant clamoring for attention with his loud-mouthed remarks on that ESPN show. Having him sit there in front of a watermarked glass, bearing your logo, was not a connection many in the industry thought wise.

Moreover, his columns were quite puzzling to most of us. One day he’s spewing more vermin than Mr. Vader himself, Dick Cheney, then he goes all felatio on them (even though he insists he’s no homosexual).

We all know how bad of a shape your industry is in, people just don’t read newspapers anymore, and though I have my own opinions as to why that is, having an ass for a columnist is not necessarily good for business.

Ever considered that his stench might rub off on the paper you put out every day?

Again, I congratulate you on your decision to rid your pages of Jay “i’m no fag” Mariotti, but I implore you to find a proper replacement. Especially one that doesn’t lift quotes from his own paper / rival papers, one that actually takes the time to visit the clubhouse of the team he criticizes, and one that does not beat a dead horse when it’s down. Or lay claim to having been there all along, even though people know otherwise.

Sincerely,

Dick Daley
Chicago, Ill.

*For all you fine people not familiar with these here Internets, you might come across insightful features like these, which are obviously satirical in nature, they, of course, should not be considered factual. Except for the ass part.