Today we learned that Jason Giambi likes to wear a gold, tiger-print thong whenever he needs help breaking out of a slump.

According to Giambi, “The thong works every time.”

But if you thought that’s the only gem unearthed from Franz Lidz’s story about the Giambi, you’d be mistaken.

Giambi on the ups and downs of life:

Whenever something perfect happens you can always count on something else going wrong. As much fun as I had during my ‘comeback season’ in 2006, life was bittersweet. My dog got cancer.”

I’m nominating this for player quote of the year. I can’t explain why I love this quote so much. But just as U.S. Sumpreme Court justice Potter Stewart knew pornography when he saw it, I know a great quote. And that is a great quote.

And Giambi doesn’t stop there.

Giambi on family and responsibility:

“My teammates used to call me the Modern-day Mick because I could play all day and party all night. Now I’m more of a family guy. I drive an Escalade to the ballpark.”

You simply have to love a guy who equates family values with driving an Escalade. You also have to love a guy whose motto is, “party like a rock star, hammer like a porn star, rake like an all-star.” I feel fairly certain that, if John Lennon were alive today, this would be his motto, too.

Giambi on life after baseball:

“After A-Rod retires, he wants to be a real estate mogul, the next Donald Trump. I could care less. As long as I can have a fast boat and a margarita machine and can light my hair on fire, I’ll be just fine.”

When I read this quote, I can’t help but wonder: what is the name of Giambi’s boat? Enquiring minds want to know.

Maybe you’re wondering, “what does Jason have to say about his ice-cold start to the season?” Here’s what:

“I never hear the boos because I’m too busy booing myself,” he says. “No critic is worse on me than me: I can beat myself up pretty good.”

It’s true that Giambi is a very vocal critic. Remember in 2006, when he took Alex Rodriguez to task for failing to hit in the clutch? Here’s what Giambi told A-Rod, who at the time was hitting .286, 34 home runs and 116 RBI:

“When you hit three, four or five [in the order], you have to get the big hits, especially if they’re going to walk Bobby [Abreu] and me. I’ll help you out until you get going. I’ll look to drive in runs when they pitch around me, go after that 3-and-1 pitch that might be a ball. But if they’re going to walk Bobby and me, you’re going to have to be the guy.”

It’s unclear if Giambi has tried wearing his gold thong yet this season. But if he hasn’t given it a shot, what is he waiting for? Jason, you’re hitting .181! Put on the thong! You have to be the guy!

Today the Arizona Daily Star has a lovely little feature on Bill Hohn, who has umpired major-league baseball games for 18 seasons and is now rehabbing in Tucson after injuries stalled his career.

From the Daily Star:

In the last two years, he has had three surgeries to repair herniated disks in his lower back and the sciatic nerve in his left hip. Hohn, a 52-year-old native of Butler, Pa., missed most of 2007.

During his comeback, he has spent the last seven days on a rehabilitation stint at Tucson Sidewinders games. He is expected to return to the major leagues Friday in Atlanta.

Hohn’s is a feel good story. But his is a look bad face. Behold:

I don’t know what is going on here. It’s more than a mustache, but less than a Fu Manchu. And apparently this is nothing new:

I suppose he has good reason grow the ’stache. After all, umps need to look tough. If I was an ump, I’d want to look like as much of a hard ass as possible. But somebody needs to tell Hohn that the the secret to a successful Fu Manchu is uniformity. The hairs above the lip and along the sides of the mouth need to be the same length. This party on top (lip) and business on the sides look is not good.

Pay attention, Bill. This is how it’s done:

Ahhh. Now that’s some truly fortunate facial hair.

Earlier this week I introduced you to Hoppy Papi, my new homebrew named after Boston’s favorite slugger. I showed off some of my beer label designs and encouraged you to send in your designs.

Loyal reader Wes went a step farther. He sent in a design for a Hoppy Papi pint glass. Behold:

Note that Papi is actually hopping in the photo.

This video is from Tuesday night’s Cardinals-Rockies game, which the Redbirds won 6-5.

Chipper Jones is on fire.

From the good people at the Canadian Press:

Jones hit .410 in April - an average for the month topped by only one player in the last 10 years: Barry Bonds hit .472 in April, 2004. Vladimir Guerrero also hit .410 in the opening month in 2000.

As if to make the point his stellar April was no fluke, Jones has pushed his major league-leading average to .425 for the Braves, who were off Monday and open a home series against San Diego on Tuesday.

Actually, after tonight’s two-for-four outing, Jones is hitting .429.

Bearing in mind that it’s early – very, very early – in the season, let’s take a moment to talk about Chipper Jones and his pursuit of history.

But first, a little background.

Since Ted Williams hit .406 in 1941, nobody has hit .400. Five guys have had 500+ plate appearances and hit over .375. Stan Musial hit .376 in 611 at bats in 1948. Ted Williams hit .388 in 420 at bats in 1957. Rod Carew hit .388 in 616 at bats in 1977. George Brett hit .390 in 449 at bats in 1980. And Larry Walker hit .379 in 438 at bats in 1999.

Last September, Vegas Watch (one of my favorite blogs) did a post listing the ten guys most likely to hit .400. Miguel Cabrera topped the list, followed by Albert Pujols, Vlad Geurerro and Matt Holliday.

Chipper Jones didn’t crack the top ten.

I emailed Vegas Watch’s editor to ask why. Here’s what he had to say:

The only reason he wasn’t on the list was his age. It was the guys who had the best chance of hitting .400 over their career, so that had a large effect. Also, he hit .375 in September; when I did the post, I had his three year average at .318.

That’s fair enough, I guess. A little agist, maybe. But reasonable.

Earlier today, I sent out an email to the Umpbump staff asking for their feelings about Chipper’s pursuit of .400. Here’s what Paul emailed back:

hitting .400 is now a near impossibility. chipper’s always been a high babip guy, but come on. his pitchers per plate appearance is down this year, so it’s not that he’s being more selective either. his line drive rate is a little higher than usual, but not high enough to think that the babip even has a chance of staying so high. with that said, it’s worth noting that he’s striking out a lot less than usual - and he never was a strikeout guy to begin with - which, if this continues, could very well result in a career high for batting average for him (although topping last year is really, really, really hard to do).

i think i’ve said this before, but baseball isn’t the same anymore. teams have far too much statistics on hitters’ tendencies, defensive positioning has gotten too advanced, and pitchers have become far too good for a guy to be able to hit .400 any more.

Of course, Paul is right. Hitting .400 in 2008 is a lot harder than hitting .400 in 1941. And Paul isn’t the only one who thinks so. Here’s what George Brett had to say about today’s more specialized bullpens, and the impact that has on hitters:

“Taking nothing away from Ted Williams or any of the players that have hit .400 in the past, like Rogers Hornsby, but back then, starters would pitch nine innings practically every game,” Brett said. “Teams had four starters along with guys in the bullpen, but the reason they were in the bullpen was because they weren’t good enough to be starters.”

So with all that said, what do you think, blogosphere? Will Chipper hit .400?

Personally, I think he’s going to do it.

I think Chipper is going to hit .400 because he has health, he has motivation and, frankly, he’s just that good.

Let’s start with health. For a while there Chipper was developing a reputation as another J.D. Drew, a guy who couldn’t stay on the field, who found new ways to hurt himself weekly. But last year Jones played in 134 games, his most since 2004. Moreover, he seems to have totally overcome the foot injuries that plagued him prior to 2007.

As for motivation, consider this: Last month I wrote a post asking which Braves belong in the Hall of Fame. 184 people voted and Chipper got 72 percent of the vote. This is pretty consistent with the public perception that Jones is a borderline Hall of Fame candidate. Now ask yourself this: would hitting .400 change that perception? Absolutely. Hitting .400 would stamp Chipper’s HOF ticket. And you better believe he knows it.

Finally, Chipper is good enough to hit .400. So far this season the switch hitter is hitting .440 against righties and .400 against lefties.

Here’s what AJC beat writer Dave O’Brien had to say about Hoss in an April 18 blog post:

In his past 200 games, since June 24, 2006, Chipper has hit .358 (273-for-763) with 61 doubles, 6 triples, 52 homers, 167 RBI, 113 walks, 104 strikeouts, a .437 OBP and a .658 slugging percentage.

And in 102 road games during that period he’s hit .376 (153-for-407) with 36 doubles, 5 triples, 29 homers, 86 RBI, a .445 OBP and a .703 slugging percentage. That’s a 1.148 OPS in his past 102 road games. Astounding.

Hoss is astounding. And the truly scary thing is, at the age of 36, he seems to be getting better.

That’s why I think Chipper’s going to be the first player since Ted Williams to bat .400. Because I don’t think his hot start is an anomaly. I think he has elevated his game. This isn’t a streak. This is a state of being.

That aforementioned Vegas Watch post started like this:

There is no such thing as a .400 hitter. Well, at least there never has been. People have hit .400, of course, but that’s always been something of a fluke. This is evident in the fact that Ty Cobb has the highest career BA ever, at “just” .366.

Like Cobb, Chipper isn’t a career .400 hitter.

But I think this season, Larry “Chipper” “Don’t call me ‘Hoss’” Jones will get there. And it won’t be a fluke.

Right now, he’s just that good.

This is another in our occasional series of posts wherein we update you on the status of the nonstop schadenfreude express which is the 2008 San Francisco Giants…

Philadelphia and San Francisco were tied at 4 in the bottom of the tenth inning. The Phillies had runners on first and second. Right fielder Geoff Jenkins grounded the ball sharply to the left of second baseman Eugenio Velez, who bent down to pick it up and…oops!…the ball went under his glove.

And that’s how the Giants lost Sunday’s game, with Howard scoring from second on the play.

Some Giants fans will point to the team’s talented young pitchers as reason for hope. But this optimism takes for granted that, when those pitchers induce ground balls and shallow pop-ups, that the fielders will be able to catch the ball and throw it to the appropriate base.

After yesterday’s game, we can no longer assume.

The Giants made three errors Sunday. The first was charged to shortstop Emmanuel Burriss, who threw wide of first base in the third inning. The second was charged to third baseman Jose Castillo. And then, of course, there was Velez.

Giants starter Tim Lincecum allowed four runs in six innings – none earned. But don’t feel too bad for Lincecum. He made a few mistakes of his own. He had two wild pitches. One led to a run.

Today, the San Francisco Chronicle suggests that fielding errors are the price you pay when you stack your team with young players:

Any team that pushes youth makes a Faustian bargain. There will be moments of uninhibited enthusiasm and excitement, but the payback will be lots of mistakes.

There’s some truth to this. A majority of the Giants’ errors this season have been made by the team’s younger players. But here’s the rub: just because you’re one of San Francisco’s younger players doesn’t necessarily make you young.

Castillo, who is 27 years-old, is in his fifth major league season and leads the team with six errors. Brian Bocock, who actually is young (23 years-old) and is filling in while Omar Vizquel is out, is second on the team with three errors. After Castillo, Bocock and Fred Lewis (who is 26), the Giants have no starters under 30. Moreover, the only reason those guys are playing at all is because of injuries to older players.

So let’s not pretend that the Giants are in the middle of a youth movement. The Giants are not a young team (they’re ranked 15th in average team age). They are not a good defensive team (they are among the bottom third of teams in fielding percentage and errors).

This weekend, all three games against the Phillies were decided by one run and two of the games went to extra innings. Of course, the Giants lost two of three — further proof that in close games defense makes the difference.

That’s more bad news for the Giants.

A few months ago, inspired by some friends, my girlfriend and I started brewing our own beer. And we’ve never looked back.

There’s a homebrew store in town, called Brew Your Own Brew. They sell kits that make the brewing process pretty painless. All of the grains come pre-ground and dolled out in exactly the right amounts.

After a few batches we decided to take the next step. We decided to make a batch from scratch. This isn’t a huge deal. But it requires you find a recipe that you like. You also have to measure the grains and grind them yourself. And you need some additional equipment, like a large water cooler with a false bottom.

We decided to use a recipe that our friend James suggested, for a beer similar to Magic Hat #9. Here it is:

Grains
10 lbs 2-Row Pale Malt
0.5 lbs Crystal 60L
1 lb Wheat Malt
Hops
1.3 oz Tettnager (60 min)
0.5 oz Cascade (15min)
0.5 oz Williamette (15 min)
Misc
2 oz Apricot extract (secondary)
Yeast
White Labs California Ale (WLP001)

Instead of apricot, we used a combination of fresh mango and mango nectar from a jar. The result? The beer is slightly sweet, though not overwhelming. You can smell the mango more than you can taste it, which is ideal. Frankly, it’s probably the best beer I’ve ever had. Though, I may be a little biased.

We decided to call the beer Hoppy Papi, since there is a generous amount of hops, and since Big Papi says he gets his power from mango (salsa).

We’ve also created some beer bottle labels:

As you can see, our photoshop skills are a little rough. Are you a graphic wizard? If so, send us your Hoppy Papi label design. We’ll post the top entries on this site.

And bottoms up!

If you haven’t noticed by now, we have a new button on our site. It’s on the right side of the page, between the “banter” and recent posts. Click it and add Umpbump’s new blidget to your blog or Facebook page!

What’s a blidget, you ask? It’s a widget for blogs! Clever, eh?

For the tech-deficient, this blidget is just one more way to keep track of what Umpbump is up to. It’s a little device that you can add to your site that keeps an updated list of all of our most recent posts.

What are you waiting for? Add the Umpbump blidget today!

And while you’re at it, don’t forget to become a fan of Umpbump on Facebook, or befriend us on Myspace.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! HA!

Go Phils!

Yesterday, Paul sent an email to the Umpbump staff, announcing the day’s big news: Newsday was reporting that Roger Clemens was banging a country singer. The following is the contents of the resulting email thread.

Sarah: WHOAH! This is huge! Peter Gammons has, I think, touted Clemens as the ultimate faithful husband when all his teammates were sleeping with groupies!

Coley: Sarah, can you track down that Peter Gammons article? I think that would be something people would find interesting.

Sarah: You know, i may have been mistaken about that. I read later that it was Canseco who said that in his book…so while I do have this memory of hearing it from the lips of P-Gam, he may only have been repeating the words of Canseco. Or I just screwed up who said it in my mind, making this the first time anyone has ever confused Peter Gammons with Jose Canseco. Either way, I don’t think Gammons put it in an article. I think he was just talking. But they did write a book together back in the 80s.

Sarah: Also, this guy is a total douchebag. It’s a huge non story?!?! What planet is he on?

Paul: All Wallace Matthews ever does is complain. He’s one of the top examples of why mainstream NYC sports media sucks. Well, him and Mike & the Maddog.

Sarah: This may be my favorite line:

“The fact that she was 15 and he 28? Well, that one is a little tougher to get around, but these days, 15 is the new 30.”

Gross, gross, gross!

“With all due respect to my good friends at the New York Daily News, aside from the age of his alleged mistress at the time of their meeting, this is one big non-story, important to all of four people on planet Earth - Mindy McCready, the woman in question; Brian McNamee, who is being sued by Clemens for defamation; and Mr. and Mrs. Roger Clemens of Katy, Texas.”

Right, and Congress! And anyone who read the Mitchell Report! And anyone who watched Clemens’ testimony on television!!!!

And why does he keep talking about Miley Cyrus?! Has she really invaded every last corner of the earth?!?

Coley: Sarah, now that Miley Cirus has been photographed wearing a sheet, it’s now permissable to have sex with 15-year-old girls. Didn’t you hear?

[Scandalous Miley Cyrus photos after the jump. Go on, click it. You know you want to. Perv.]

Read the rest of this entry »