Just when you thought the baseball gods couldn’t do a whole lot more to keep us in this purgatory hell-hole.

C’MON! LET’S GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY!

Question is, which one?

A man was arrested this week after security found him walking around the field at Dodger stadium in a Dodger blue uniform, sporting a mitt, and juggling two balls.

Higgins allegedly identified himself as a Dodgers player, but the guard recognized him from an earlier incident and called police.

Prosecutors say Higgins’ clothes were later found in the bat boys’ locker room. It was not immediately clear where he got the uniform.

This one is so short, sweet, and yet loaded with such rich bestiarity (think oddness), I can almost smell it.

But on a serious note, and while we’re on the topic of security at Dodger stadium, The Big Lead has a scary story (with pictures) about a security guard tackling a woman to the ground.

Not sure if you’ve heard since it went incredibly underreported in the main stream media, but the final game in Yankee Stadium was played this past Sunday. And you know that means, right?

Useless stadium crap/memorabilia for sale on eBay!

First, we have this magnificent looking cup holder. Isn’t she a beaut? And it’s now totally portable! Bring it in the car to use as your seventh cup holder! Bring it to the movies because one cup holder there just won’t do! Put in on a leash and take it for a walk! You and your cup holder will be sure to have some wonderful times together.

And next, we are pleased to offer you what any person would want. DIRT! That’s right, it’s true. You too can own dirt! Just imagine what you can do with the power of dirt. Bury your pet parakeet! Eat it! Or put it on a leash and take it for a walk! Wait, what’s that? You’re not satisfied with this dirt? Well, how about, THIS DIRT? Yes, this dirt is totally different from that dirt. So if you’re looking for dirt, we’ve got two!

And what goes better with dirt than paint? And best of all, it’s blue! And isn’t that really the best color? It’s Cool! BLUE! From the same people that brought you yellow.

Here, we have a napkin. Yes, I know, I can’t believe it either. But we have a napkin! As the seller so correctly notes, it’s a “MUST HAVE ITEM FOR ANY BASEBALL FAN OR COLLECTOR”

And last, but not least, we have a RIPPED STICKER! Have we gone crazy for selling this? We just may have! Now, you can let your guests know to be alert of foul balls when entering your bathroom! Or even your bedroom! How zany! And this ripped sticker can be yours for just $249.95!!! YOWZERS! What a deal!

But don’t wait! Order your cup holder, dirt, paint, more dirt, napkin, and ripped sticker right now! What a country!

"I don't know, Doc. People tell me I was born to be a mascot... But I think I'm just a freak...

Hey, Mets fans and players! Are you sick and tired of losing? Are you simply suicidal because you’ve tried everything and don’t know how to make things better?

Don’t fret about the team losing serious ground in the NL East! Because psychologists are here to help!

They offer such professional and brilliant advice as:

“You don’t want to engage in catastrophic thinking, it’s not fruitful,” – Dr. John Murray

“Essentially, if they win the games, they will make it [to the playoffs].” – Dr. Alan Manevitz

You got that? I know it sounds really complicated and you’re probably unfamiliar with these revolutionary ideas. But basically, thinking about the end of the world is not good. And if the Mets win, they win! Thank you, New York Daily News, for making wonderful advice such as these accessible to our puny little brains.

Right around this time last year, the New York Mets were in first place in the NL East. They were struggling, to be sure, but they were still in first with a “healthy lead”. And then MLB.com began selling this – a 2007 NY Mets NL East Championship T-Shirt. Now I don’t believe in jinxes or anything of the sort. But it did seem presumptuous at best.

But at least they were in first place.

MetsBlog.com has a link to a website belonging to Joe’s Sports, which is a sporting goods chain located in the Pacific Northwest. And they’re selling 2008 NL East Championship T-Shirts. For the Phillies.

Now I can’t blame the Phillies on this one. As far as I know, they’re not the ones promoting this. Joe’s doesn’t even have any stores east of Idaho. But as a Mets fan, it’s still kind of funny…

When arguments like these become available in major sports websites, maybe it’s time for us UmpBumpers to just quit and spend the rest of our days writing extensively and exclusively about the worldwide gross totals of The Dark Knight (almost at $450MM and counting!):

If Tampa Bay surrenders its lead in the AL East in the next three weeks, Rays’ rookie third baseman Evan Longoria will become a top candidate for Most Valuable Player.

Oh boy. These are the words of Gerry Fraley, a writer for The Sporting News. He has also written for other known publications such as the Philadelphia Bulletin, Atlanta Constitution and The Dallas Morning News.

And from what I understand, here’s the basic argument concocted by Mr. Fraley. Evan Longoria, the injured rookie third baseman of the Tampa Bay Rays, will show that he deserves the AL MVP in 2008 because he won’t be helping the team in any way shape or form while he is on the disabled list. By not hitting, fielding, pitching, fungo-ing, peppering, soft-tossing, fetching refreshing bottles of Gatorade, or even blowing into the faces of his teammates to cool them down after a hot inning, he will prove that he is the MVP.

This might be akin to saying that Johnny Bench is the MVP of the 2008 Cincinatti Reds. Or that Trevor Hoffman circa 1998 is the 2008 MVP for the Padres.

Hat tip to Rays Index for the link.

One of our readers tipped us off to this article from MiLB.com, the official website of minor league baseball, on Josh Collmenter of the South Bend Silverhawks, and I think it’s worth sharing in detail. Apparently young Mr. Collmenter has quite the mustache—and has been on quite the tear since its cultivation. He’s 10-5 with a 3.20 ERA for the Single-A club. And in recognition of his fine fuzz, tonight is “Josh Collmenter Mustache Awareness Night” at Coveleski Stadium, with the mustachioed hurler taking the mound. The deets:

Mustachioed fans will receive free admission to the contest, and those without a mustache will be given one as they enter the ballpark. Many of Collmenter’s South Bend teammates have jumped on the ’stache bandwagon as well, and fans will engage in a pregame vote to determine which player possesses the best upper-lip hair.

But wait. It gets better.

Making the Silver Hawks’ mustache promotion even more fortuitous is the fact that it is taking place simultaneously with “Hug Your Plumber Night.” Early-arriving fans will receive complimentary plungers, and any fan who wishes to embrace a (hopefully mustachioed) plumber can do so for just $1, with the proceeds going to charity.

“It’s a natural fit, and I’m sure everyone will get along just fine,” said [Silver Hawks' director of sales and marketing Amy] Hill regarding the evening’s synergistic promotional endeavors.

But it still gets even better, with Collmenter handicapping his teammates’ chances of winning the contest:

“I’m not sure if the fans will vote for the best in terms of looks, or best in terms of who really can’t grow one. Because we’ve got guys like Eli Rumbler who are just growing whatever they can and it’s pretty funny,” said Collmenter. “And then there are guys like Chance Wheeless, who looks like he should be wearing a cowboy hat and riding a horse across west Texas.”

Eli Rumbler? Chance Wheeless? Are these real names?!?! Could this get any more deliciously bizarre????????

But an even more impressive aspect of the promotion is that the club snagged a coveted endorsement from the prestigious American Mustache Institute.

This exists!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“We are very pleased that Josh Collmenter and the Silver Hawks organization have embraced the thick tuft of hair above Josh’s upper lip, and we’re glad that Josh fully realizes the power, strength and ability it adds to his pitching prowess”, said Aaron Perlut, the institute’s executive director. “Josh sports a high-quality Chevron-style mustache. It’s a little-known fact that a mustache of that type can be used to store nuts and berries during the winter season.”

But Collmenter has no plans to go into hibernation anytime soon.

[Sarah's brain explodes]