How do you measure a baseball career? In RBIs and home runs? In all-star teams made and gold gloves won? In World Series rings? How about in dollars earned? In endorsements garnered? Or by the number of folk songs inspired? Those are all fine metrics, but I’ve got another one: in whiskers. Behold, Jayson Werth, […]

It’s been too long since we’ve done a UFH post at UmpBump. So in tribute to the playoffs, when the entire nation can marvel at players’ levels of determination and enhanced upper-lip decorations, we give you grit-meister Brendan Ryan of the St. Louis Cardinals. May his stache forever live in October lore.

Look, it’s well known that we here at UmpBump are generally against most types of facial hair.  And aside from the soul destroying soul patch, which has deservedly earned our collective undying enmity, the facial hair that perhaps most affronts our basic sense of human decency is the beardless mustache on a white male. But […]

I wasn’t sure whether Jacobs’ new growth qualified as “unfortunate facial hair” because, technically, it’s not growing out of his face. It seems to be coming from that nether area between the chin and the neck. What is that area called? The check? The nin? Regardless, the only excuse for a facial growth this hideous […]

When Jeff Kent announced his retirement recently, baseball lost much more than a great second baseman. It lost a great mustache. Amazingly, Kent’s ‘stache is not one of the handful of fuzzes that has its own entry in our Unfortunate Facial Hair pantheon. But don’t be fooled: his was truly fabulous fur. And it is […]

One of our readers tipped us off to this article from, the official website of minor league baseball, on Josh Collmenter of the South Bend Silverhawks, and I think it’s worth sharing in detail. Apparently young Mr. Collmenter has quite the mustache—and has been on quite the tear since its cultivation. He’s 10-5 with […]

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Featured posts

December 5, 2011

Will anybody get elected to the Hall of Fame this year?

Last week, we asked you to vote for who you would like to see enshrined in baseball’s Hall of Fame. The verdict? If it were up to UmpBump readers, nobody would make it in. The leading vote getter (so far) is Jeff Bagwell, who has 60% support. Of course, in the real voting, players need […]

January 5, 2011

Annual UmpBump Hall of Fame Balloting: 2011 Edition

In what has become an annual tradition, we here at UmpBump cast our ballots for the Hall of Fame on the eve of the announcements of the voting for the real Hall of Fame. Voters can vote for anyone ever who has been retired from baseball for at least five years and is not already […]

October 19, 2010

Crowdsourcing the Greats: The Top 10 Managers of All Time

Now that we’ve looked at every position on the diamond, as well as relief pitchers, we are nearing the end of our “Crowdsourcing the Greats” series. But before we finish, let’s turn one more time to the internet hoi polloi for answers on who the greatest baseball manager of all time was. As usual, we […]