It’s been too long since we’ve done a UFH post at UmpBump. So in tribute to the playoffs, when the entire nation can marvel at players’ levels of determination and enhanced upper-lip decorations, we give you grit-meister Brendan Ryan of the St. Louis Cardinals.

May his stache forever live in October lore.

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Look, it’s well known that we here at UmpBump are generally against most types of facial hair.  And aside from the soul destroying soul patch, which has deservedly earned our collective undying enmity, the facial hair that perhaps most affronts our basic sense of human decency is the beardless mustache on a white male.

But then along comes Diamondbacks reliever Clay Zavada. What can you say when a ballplayer, and a reliever no less, so lovingly resurrects the twirly, waxed, handlebar moustache of the great Rollie Fingers? Five or even ten years after Fingers it would have been mere imitation, but 30 years on, when basically nobody else has the balls to put wax to ’stache? That is nothing less than a tribute.

Then you throw in the fact that his name is “Zavada,” which in combination with the curly mustache makes him more likely to be the leader of a family of trapeze artists called the “Flying Zavadas” than appearing on a major league pitching mound.

So, what can you say, really, other than, Awesome!

As the New York Times recently chronicled, Zavada has had quite a trying journey making it to the show. Along the way, he tried all manner of facial hair, including goatee, full-on beard, soul patch, the Casey Blake never-quite-shaven look. But then he finally goes with the Rollie Fingers approach ( having been first inspired to dare the mustache-without-beard look by  minor league teammate and UFH alum Josh Collmenter) and he finally sticks in the Major Leagues.

Coincidence? Obviously not.

I wasn’t sure whether Jacobs’ new growth qualified as “unfortunate facial hair” because, technically, it’s not growing out of his face. It seems to be coming from that nether area between the chin and the neck. What is that area called? The check? The nin? Regardless, the only excuse for a facial growth this hideous is to break a slump (see: Giambi, Jason or Byrnes, Eric) and it’s too early in the season to resort to such shenanigans.  Though, considering Jacobs’ .317 career OBP, I suppose one could argue that some slump buster UFH is far overdue.

When Jeff Kent announced his retirement recently, baseball lost much more than a great second baseman. It lost a great mustache.

Amazingly, Kent’s ’stache is not one of the handful of fuzzes that has its own entry in our Unfortunate Facial Hair pantheon. But don’t be fooled: his was truly fabulous fur. And it is not the only UFH that we stand to lose. Mike Piazza retired in May (and to mark the occasion Paul created a Piazza UFH retrospective). Now it’s looking increasingly unlikely that Sal Fasano will find a job. And both Todd Helton and Randy Johnson are in the twilights of their respective careers.

For the good of the game and, yes, for the good of America it’s time for these UFH vets to pass the torch to a greener generation. Here are a few young players who might consider picking up where the vets left off.

Kent’s actually toned down his mustache late in his career, but in his early years with the mets his flavor savor was large and in charge.

What would happen if we took Kent’s mustache and put it on Troy Tulowitzki’s baby face?

equals…

Whoah! Where does the line for mustache rides form?

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One of our readers tipped us off to this article from MiLB.com, the official website of minor league baseball, on Josh Collmenter of the South Bend Silverhawks, and I think it’s worth sharing in detail. Apparently young Mr. Collmenter has quite the mustache—and has been on quite the tear since its cultivation. He’s 10-5 with a 3.20 ERA for the Single-A club. And in recognition of his fine fuzz, tonight is “Josh Collmenter Mustache Awareness Night” at Coveleski Stadium, with the mustachioed hurler taking the mound. The deets:

Mustachioed fans will receive free admission to the contest, and those without a mustache will be given one as they enter the ballpark. Many of Collmenter’s South Bend teammates have jumped on the ’stache bandwagon as well, and fans will engage in a pregame vote to determine which player possesses the best upper-lip hair.

But wait. It gets better.

Making the Silver Hawks’ mustache promotion even more fortuitous is the fact that it is taking place simultaneously with “Hug Your Plumber Night.” Early-arriving fans will receive complimentary plungers, and any fan who wishes to embrace a (hopefully mustachioed) plumber can do so for just $1, with the proceeds going to charity.

“It’s a natural fit, and I’m sure everyone will get along just fine,” said [Silver Hawks' director of sales and marketing Amy] Hill regarding the evening’s synergistic promotional endeavors.

But it still gets even better, with Collmenter handicapping his teammates’ chances of winning the contest:

“I’m not sure if the fans will vote for the best in terms of looks, or best in terms of who really can’t grow one. Because we’ve got guys like Eli Rumbler who are just growing whatever they can and it’s pretty funny,” said Collmenter. “And then there are guys like Chance Wheeless, who looks like he should be wearing a cowboy hat and riding a horse across west Texas.”

Eli Rumbler? Chance Wheeless? Are these real names?!?! Could this get any more deliciously bizarre????????

But an even more impressive aspect of the promotion is that the club snagged a coveted endorsement from the prestigious American Mustache Institute.

This exists!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“We are very pleased that Josh Collmenter and the Silver Hawks organization have embraced the thick tuft of hair above Josh’s upper lip, and we’re glad that Josh fully realizes the power, strength and ability it adds to his pitching prowess”, said Aaron Perlut, the institute’s executive director. “Josh sports a high-quality Chevron-style mustache. It’s a little-known fact that a mustache of that type can be used to store nuts and berries during the winter season.”

But Collmenter has no plans to go into hibernation anytime soon.

[Sarah's brain explodes]

Sal Fasano, the journeyman catcher whose facial hair promted the formation of one of the most passionate fan groups ever, Sal’s Pals, is back in the bigs.

The Indians acquired Fasano from the Atlanta Braves for a player to be named later. The Indians needed a catcher after the club lost starter Victor Martinez, who is out six to eighth weeks following right elbow surgery on June 13.

What can the Indians expect from Fasano? That depends entirely on which Fasano shows up.

Will the Indians get the fu manchu’d Fasano, the version that fans in Philadelphia and Toronto grew to love? If so, expect fireworks and rioting in the streets.

Will Fasano show up with a mustache similar to the one he donned as a member of the New York Yankees? There’s nothing wrong with a good mustache, as Jason Giambi has clearly demonstrated this season. But Fasano’s stache was just a toned down version of his fu manchu. It was like watching Sex and the City reruns on TBS. You still get the jokes and the plot, but even if you haven’t seen that particular episode before, you know you’re missing something (ie., the cursing and the sex).

Or, will Fasano arrive clean-shaven, like he did in Baltimore? I saw Sal during spring training last year. He was training with the Blue Jays and had shaved his face and nothing, and I mean nothing, is sadder than a clean-shaven Fasano.

Just like Sampson got his power from his hair and Papi gets his power from mango salsa, everyone knows Fasano’s strength lies in his whiskers. Hopefully, after 11 years in professional baseball, Fasano has learned that lesson. The fate of the Indians’ season lies in the balance.

Meeeeeeeeeemories….

Light the corners of my miiiiiiiinnnnnndddd…

Misty, watercolor meeeeeeemoriiiiieeeeesss….

Of the way we were… 

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Today the Arizona Daily Star has a lovely little feature on Bill Hohn, who has umpired major-league baseball games for 18 seasons and is now rehabbing in Tucson after injuries stalled his career.

From the Daily Star:

In the last two years, he has had three surgeries to repair herniated disks in his lower back and the sciatic nerve in his left hip. Hohn, a 52-year-old native of Butler, Pa., missed most of 2007.

During his comeback, he has spent the last seven days on a rehabilitation stint at Tucson Sidewinders games. He is expected to return to the major leagues Friday in Atlanta.

Hohn’s is a feel good story. But his is a look bad face. Behold:

I don’t know what is going on here. It’s more than a mustache, but less than a Fu Manchu. And apparently this is nothing new:

I suppose he has good reason grow the ’stache. After all, umps need to look tough. If I was an ump, I’d want to look like as much of a hard ass as possible. But somebody needs to tell Hohn that the the secret to a successful Fu Manchu is uniformity. The hairs above the lip and along the sides of the mouth need to be the same length. This party on top (lip) and business on the sides look is not good.

Pay attention, Bill. This is how it’s done:

Ahhh. Now that’s some truly fortunate facial hair.