Nick: I hope you are going to be writing an umpbump piece about the 10,000th loss!

me: I’m thinking about it, but what is there to say, really?

Nick: Hmm, yeah, it’s hard to think of a new angle…

me: I mean, to say the Phillies have been bad is an understatement...

but on the other hand, they’re only the worst of the handful of baseball teams who have been around for as long as they have

Nick: I’m still amazed all over again every time I read that the Phillies have only won 1 World Series

It feels like they would have had to have won more…

me: no

just one

I was one year old

we almost won in 1993, but that didn’t work out.

sigh

Nick: At least the one World Series was won in your lifetime!

me: barely

Nick: Just think of all the Phillies fans that lived and died and without them ever having won one.

me: really, I don’t think it counts when you were only one year old.

and I wasn’t even living in Philly yet

Nick: Hmm, I guess not…

I was just trying to look on the bright side for you…

but there really isn’t much bright side for a Phillies fan…

me: no, there’s not

A startling blow was dealt to the “greenies” industry today as it was revealed that Detroit Tigers utility-man extraordinaire, Neifi Perez, has become the first player to be suspended for illegal stimulants under MLB’s new drug-testing program. Perez has admitted wrong doing and will begin serving the 25-game suspension immediately.

In an Umpbump exclusive, it was discovered that Perez received his supply of greenies from a little-known, yet deeeeeeeevious corporation called Ampheta-Dream Inc. When reached for comment, the company’s CEO, Olaf Nottarealperson, remarked, “This is a terrible day for Ampheta-Dream and our imaginary shareholders. Had we known that Neifi Perez - he of the .486 OPS - was one of our customers, we would have ceased his supply immediately. I mean, we want to show that our product WORKS. To have such a crappy player with such little abilities be our unofficial spokesman is a terrible disservice to us.”

After then sobbing for over four minutes, Mr. Nottarealperson continued, “Please trust me. It really does work. It’s just that… Neifi is terrible. He’s really that bad… I’m not sure if our company can survive this.”

Following this news, his former manager with the Cubs, Lou Pinella, has demanded that Jim Hendry pursue Perez’s services because he is a “winner”.