When the All-Star ballots were announced earlier this week, the emails started flying here at UmpBump HQ. We felt compelled to offer up our own ballots (admittedly, with the benefit of casting them now, and not months ago when the balloting actually began), which we now present, interspersed with refreshing dashes of acid-tongued banter, for your scathing refutation insightful commentary:

Sarah’s All-Star Ballot

American League
C Joe Mauer
1B Youk (note: I actually voted for Youk last year too. Couldn’t vote for Papi as a 1B; didn’t seem right.)
2B Kinsler
3B A-Poop
SS Derek, grudgingly
DH Ortiz (yes, even injured)
OF Manny (sentimental choice)
OF Grady Sizemore
OF JD Drew (Was very tempted to go with Josh Hamilton here….but I flipped a coin and Drew won. Plus, Hamilton’s heart-warming story has just become too much for me. Now every time I hear about it, I want to vomit.)
SP Roy Halladay

National League
C Geovany Soto (at first, felt obligated to go with Brian McCann, since I don’t really like voting rookies into the All-Star game, but then I remembered that I don’t like the Braves….and Soto and McCann have basically had the same year so far.)
1B Lance Berkman
2B Chase Utley
3B Chipper Jones
SS Hanley Ramirez
OF Ryan Braun
OF Griffey Jr
OF Matt Holliday
SP Brandon Webb

Final note: Why is there no NL DH? I mean, they’re playing in Yankee Stadium…they aren’t going to make the pitcher bat, are they? If there were an extra roster spot for a hitter, I would go with Pat the Bat here.

Nick: Griffey??? For serious?

Sarah: I’m big on future Hall of Famers going to the ASG. And he hit no. 600 this year. And, once again Nick, i must ask that instead of simply sending incredulous snarkages back in my direction, you actually put together your own ballot. That was actually the point of the exercise.

Nick: Okay, here are my picks. Clearly they are all 100% correct.

Nick’s All-Star Ballot

American League

C Joe Mauer
1B Jason Giambi
2B Ian Kinsler
3B Alex Rodriguez
SS Michael Young
OF Jermaine Dye
OF Grady Sizemore
OF Josh Hamilton
DH Milton Bradley
SP Cliff Lee

National League

C Geovany Soto
1B Lance Berkman
2B Chase Utley
3B Chipper Jones
SS Hanley Ramirez
OF Pat Burrell
OF Jason Bay
OF Adam Dunn
SP Edinson Volquez

Nick: Sarah, are you saying future Hall of Famers should go to the All-Star Game every year, no matter what? Even when they only have the 46th best OPS among qualified outfielders?

Sarah: I’m just saying, doesn’t feel like the All-Star Game without Griffey. Also, I feel the voting would be very different if it were all online. When you’re just sitting in your little seat at the ballpark poking those little punch cards, are you really going to be comparing OPS and clicking through ESPN.com’s sortable stats? No, no you are not. You are going to see “K. Griffey Jr.” there on the ballot with a little perforated circle next to it. And you are going to poke that little circle.

Paul: My ballot:

Paul’s All-Star Ballot

American League

C: Joe Mauer (and if any of you disagree, I’m leaving UmpBump)
1B: Justin Morneau (can’t argue with Youk or Giambi either. i just don’t like either of them.)
2B: Ian Kinsler
SS: Empty Space
3B: A-Rod (although it’d be a lot of fun to see Longoria there)
LF: Josh Hamilton
CF: Grady Sizemore
RF: JD Drew
DH: Milton Bradley
SP: Roy Halladay (not the popular choice, I know. but dude’s been filthy)

National League

C: Geovany Soto
1B: Lance Berkman
2B: Chase Utley
SS: Hanley Ramirez
3B: Chipper Jones (i just died a little inside)
LF: Jason Bay
CF: Nate McLouth
RF: Matt Holliday (wow, what an awful defensive outfield!)
DH: Pat Burrell (now i need a drink)
SP: Volquez/Lincecum (don’t make me choose)

Sarah: No you have to choose! That’s the whole point! Come on, eenie meenie minie moe that puppy.

Paul: in that case, excuse me while i go crunch some digits….and i think i unknowingly made that sound a little dirty. How did i do that? That should be the new euphemism among statheads. “Dude, that girl is so freaking hot. Makes me want to crunch my digits.”

Sarah: Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrd!

Paul: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanddddddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! (anyone? anyone? yes? no?)

Sarah: [confused silence] [chirping of crickets] [tumbleweed rolls slowly by]

Paul: It’s from Family Guy. And I’m going with Lincecum.

Sarah: And are you still leaving AL SS blank?? I’m torn. Half of me thinks that’s really hilarious. The other half is now bitter because i sucked it up and voted for Jeter.

Paul: I would honestly rather have Empty Space. He’s a ragamuffin from the great state of North Dakota. Kid’s got more talent than brains.

Sarah: He’s got that blue collar makeup though.

Alejandro: Okay, time for my picks.

Alejandro’s All-Star Ballot

American League

C Joe Mauer
1B Kevin Youkilis
2B Ian Kinsler
SS Michael Young
3B Evan Longoria
OF David DeJesus
OF Josh Hamilton
OF Johnny Damon
DH Alex Rodriguez
SP Cliff Lee

National League

C Geovany Soto
1B Connor Jackson
2B Chase Utley
SS Jose Reyes
3B Chipper Jones
OF Carlos Lee
OF Aaron Rowand
OF Carlos Beltran
SP Edinson Volquez

Nick: What, no Hanley at SS, Alejandro? Even though he’s carrying your umpbump fantasy team? Surprising!

Alejandro: Oh man i knew i’d miss someone….Yeah, forget Reyes, please include H Ramirez instead…

Sarah: Hey, I’m not sure it’s kosher to have A-Rod as the DH. You can only vote for people where they are eligible, no? Or can you shift things around with the write-in?

Alejandro: Good point… I dunno…to be honest, i filled this ballot in haste in the middle of a meeting…

Paul: Get your priorities straight, Alejandro. All-Star ballots are serious business. Not to be done in the middle of business. This business clearly supersedes that business.

Coley: I think the problem with including guys like Griffey is that this year it counts! And, I’m kinda serious. I mean, if the Phillies are denied home-field advantage in the World Series because Ken Griffey, Jr. strikes out with the bases loaded in the all-star game, I’m going to be pissed. Here’s my lineup:

Coley’s All-Star Ballot

American League

C Joe Mauer
1B Jason Giambi
2B Ian Kinsler
3B Alex Rodriguez
SS Michael Young
OF Jermaine Dye
OF Grady Sizemore
OF Josh Hamilton
DH Milton Bradley
SP Cliff Lee

I’m not one to pick a fight. Whenever the editor of a newspaper for which I don’t work for comes over to my cubicle screaming obscenities as to why the Internet is jacked up, I look down, blush red in anger, and bite my lip.

Loyal UmpBump readers know that I rarely have a bone to pick with anyone (well, except Jay Mariotti, but who doesn’t?!)

But this morning, as I unfolded the sports section of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution I came across a column by one Furman Bisher, a pundit I’d never heard of in my life. And his column, “Sayonara, baseball tradition” though eloquent, rich in historical facts, embellished with romantic longing for yesteryear, came across as outstandingly ignorant and scandalous.

Now, as I said, I’d never heard of Bisher, so I brushed up on his bio just to know who I was dealing with, and it’s more than evident that he’s an eminence and he’s earned his place among accomplished sports journalists.

But passages like this have finally broken my impression of printed dates preceded by the number 19 as current or modern; and clearly, like Bisher, those dates belong in the 20th century, and not in the opinion pages of any publication:

Well, not any longer. Money can change any habit. Eight springs ago the Mets and Cubs opened the season, not in Cincinnati. Guess where? Tokyo. That Tokyo, the guys who gave us Pearl Harbor. Some people don’t like you to bring that up, trade with Japan is so hot. But I’ve got a long memory. I saw what a few bombs can do to our property.

Oh, well, ‘scuse me. It’s just tough to get away from it when you turn on your TV in the morning there are the Boston Red Sox playing the Oakland A’s in the Tokyo Dome. Not only that, but the Red Sox pitcher is Daisuke Matsuzaka, who didn’t grow up in Wampole.

I have no problem with Furman waxing nostalgic about Red Stockings and how every season was opened in Cincinnati; yes, tradition is something we all long for and have a hard time breaking off. But when you go from Cubs-Mets in Tokyo, to the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbor, to Daisuke and Opening Day ‘08, it’s time to ignore the senile old man and let him sit in his chair, drinking his sweet tea.

Except, of course, he’s not sitting idly reminiscing on his better days. He’s in the opinion pages of both a major daily and its website!

Bah, who am I kidding. This is the AJC, and this is Georgia, where it’s still illegal to buy beer on Sunday. Too bad old man Bisher doesn’t realize that, much like him, some traditions, for better or worse, will simply not go away.

Baseball is here. Yes, I know it’s March, and most of you are thinking brackets and basketball, but that didn’t stop Selig and his henchmen from orchestrating a third consecutive opening day in Japan. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, mind you; but it is kinda odd to wake up, turn on the TV, and see Keith Foulke striking out Manny Ramirez to end the 8th. Keith Foulke?! Wha? Ricoh? Am I still awake? Moss who?

So anyway, now that the new major league baseball season is underway, I think it appropriate to compile all the bonus material we have been working in preparation for 2008 here at UmpBump.

Obviously, it wouldn’t be 2008 without some hot off season action. So make your way to our easy-to-digest breakdown of every single major-league club’s offseason strategy.

But don’t forget to check out our “what they still need” features; who knows, some of those teams might still need some of that hocus pocus (yes, Royals fans, keep drinking that Kool-Aid).

For those of you scoring at home, 2008 can be the year of many a milestone. Will Griffey, Jr. reach 600 homers? Will Randy Johnson notch his 300th win? Will Johnny Damon leg-out his 100th triple?

And last but not least, don’t forget to keep up with our Fantasy League. We’ll keep you up with most major transactions. And with all the knowledge we spew everyday and everything, it should be interesting.

(Psst, and don’t forget to be in the look out for these)

What’s that you say? Who are we to judge? Let ‘er rip in the comments!