We here at Umpbump were a bit, uhm, apathetic towards the whole 756 thing. Can’t blame us, we’re Bonds-ed out and the instant re-runs of said home run are not helping.

Obviously, we’ve also stayed away from blogging about Matt Murphy, the 21-year-old Queens, NY native and Mets fan that caught the ball. (That he even held on to it is amazing, did anyone see that one dude in the orange shirt just crowd-surf 10 or 12 rows down to the spot where the ball landed? That takes skill.)

Anyway, Murphy said he was doing a 51-49 deal with his buddy:

“I’m going to be smart about what I do with it,” said Murphy, when asked about his plans. “Funny enough, I’m only keeping 51% of what the ball brings. The rest goes to my pal Amir Kamal, who was with me.”

Well, you may wanna rethink that deal kid, cuz it turns out you’re carrying a helluva lot of taxable income right now:

As soon as 21-year-old Matt Murphy snagged the valuable piece of sports history Tuesday night, his souvenir became taxable income in the eyes of the Internal Revenue Service, according to experts.

“It’s an expensive catch,” said John Barrie, a tax lawyer with Bryan Cave LLP in New York who grew up watching the Giants play at Candlestick Park. “Once he took possession of the ball and it was his ball, it was income to him based on its value as of yesterday,”

By most estimates, the ball that put Bonds atop the list of all-time home run hitters with 756 would sell in the half-million dollar range on the open market or at auction.

That would instantly put Murphy, a college student from Queens, in the highest tax bracket for individual income, where he would face a tax rate of about 35 percent, or about $210,000 on a $600,000 ball.

Even if he does not sell the ball, Murphy would still owe the taxes based on a reasonable estimate of its value, according to Barrie. Capital gains taxes also could be levied in the future as the ball gains value, he said…

Dude;  just when you thought you had “won the lottery” as you said, here comes the Man to take all your money.

You could go to Australia, as you planned all along, and never come back. I doubt the IRS is going to fly half-way around the world just to catch a tax evader, even if you now are in the highest tax bracket.

Then again, you can sue the hell out of the IRS on the constitutional grounds of their taxation on your newly-caught taxable income. Hey, you may even win:

Attorney Tom Cryer, who hasn’t paid taxes in 10 years, thinks income tax “is a sham,” and argued in court that the current tax laws don’t apply to personal earnings, reports the Shreveport Times.

Cryer created a trust listing himself as the trustee, and received payments of dividends, interest and stock income to that trust, according to the indictment. He also was accused of concealing his receipt of the sources of income from the IRS by failing to file a tax return on behalf of that trust. “I determined that my personal earnings were not 100 percent profits, some were income,” Cryer said.

While Cryer agrees he has income, the U.S. Attorney’s office was apparently unable to prove that income equals taxable revenue.

So there you have it Matt. All you gotta do is create a shady trust fund in your name (or even on your buddy’s name) sell yourself that ball for nothing and voila, they can’t touch you.

Note: Nothing in this post should be regarded as professional tax advice. This is merely a satire of the delicious irony that is our bureaucratic government and all its ramifications.  

So we here at umpbump often fling emails around tossing out ideas for potential posts. Finally, this afternoon, umpbumper Paul couldn’t take it anymore and finally asked the question that had been on his mind all day:

From: Paul Moro

To: Umpbump Staff

So, is anybody going to say anything about Bonds???

The following email thread ensued…

From: Nick Kapur

To: Umpbump Staff

I actually like the fact that we have collectively been totally silent on Bonds. I think that speaks volumes.

I saw that Bonds homered last night. I watched the video. I felt nothing. I went to bed.

From: Paul Moro

To: Umpbump Staff

That was pretty much my reaction too. I just don’t understand why we should care about Bonds to THIS degree. I have been all bonds-ed out for quite some time. Not sure why I should care any more now that the record has fallen. The sky is still blue, the grass is still green, Stephen Hawking is still smart, and baseball is still baseball. But a tornado in brooklyn this morning? Now that’s something different.

From: Alejandro Leal

To: Umpbump Staff

I just felt bad for Barry’s kid. He got no love from his pops… he just stood there at home plate… alone…

From: Sarah Green

To: Umpbump Staff

What is there really to say about Barry that hasn’t been said before? Douchebag, cheater, lightning rod, scapegoat, and owner of the all-time home run record. Former skinny five-tool player and charter member of the 500-500 club turned swollen mutant cyborg. Yawn.

From: Nick Kapur

To: Umpbump Staff

We still haven’t heard from Coley. Anything to add, Ward?

From: Coley Ward

To: Umpbump Staff

Barry Bonds can suck it.

After the Marlins dismissed manager Joe Girardi at the end of last season, they offered his job to Braves hitting coach Terry Pendleton. When Pendleton passed, it was easy to guess why. Braves manager Bobby Cox is getting long in the tooth (whatever that means) and most everyone figured Pendleton had been promised Cox’s job. The safe bet was that Cox would step down at the end of the 2007 season and Pendleton would take over.

Then the Braves gave Cox an extension through 2008. Then they traded for stud 1B Mark Teixeira. Now there’s new life breathed into Turner Field. The Braves, after And one wouldn’t blame Cox if he decided to stick around another year. Or two. Or three.

Which leaves Pendleton…where exactly?

Of course, he could always continue waiting for Bobby to retire. But here’s a crazy idea about where Pendleton might end up — Kansas City.

Royals manager Buddy Bell announced just yesterday that he will step down at the end of the season, so KC GM Dayton Moore needs to find a new skipper. There are already names being bandied about. According to The Sports Network, bench coach Billy Doran is a top candidates, as well as former Royals players such as George Brett and Frank White. But what about Pendleton, who has a relationship with Moore dating back to the GM’s days as John Schuerholz’s protege?

The Royals have been a terrible team for a long while, but lately they’ve shown signs of improvement. Although the Royals remain at the bottom of the American League Central, they have notched wins in five of their last seven games heading into this weekend’s road series with the Yankees. And they’ve had a winning record in each of the last two months.

So there are less appealing organizations (see: Pirates, Nationals, Orioles). And if you’re Pendleton, you’ve got to be itching for the chance to manage. Sure, Atlanta might be your first choice, but the more you think about it, Kansas City sounds better and better.