Could A-Rod play shortstop while Jeter is on the shelf? Girardi won’t rule it out.

The Phils-Mets series is underway. Jayson Stark reported this winter that the Phils were talking about starting a fight with their NL East rivals. Will there be a brawl? The Mets say maybe.

The Orioles are in first place and Aubrey Huff — who went on a shock-jock radio show over the offseason and trashed Baltimore –  is jackin’ it. Any way you slice it, this is a feel-good story.

Joe Posnanski is scaling back while he goes into book mode. Don’t be a stranger, Joe.

Two blogosphere favorites face-off today: Phil Hughes vs. Brian Bannister.

A-Rod was attacked by Fenway Park’s resident red-tailed hawk yesterday.

No, not that A-Rod.

Alexa Rodriguez, an 8th grader whose coach calls her A-Rod, was taking a tour of Fenway with her class when the bird, who was nesting, dove for her head. The girl was taken to the hospital for a minor scratch on her scalp. And no one, it appears, can resist tying the incident to superstar Yankee Alex Rodriguez, who also tends to get a nasty reception at the Fens.

The feathered assailant is a long-time resident of Fenway Park:

The 3 1/2-pound hawk has been building nests at Fenway since 2002, but has always been chased out before opening day so she and her mate could find a new home, said Tom French, assistant director of MassWildlife.

However, it appears the bird is not quite the avian June Cleaver:

This spring the raptor used a brown-knit cap and twigs from trees on Yawkee Way to build a nest on a green overhang near the press booth above home plate. She laid a brown-speckled egg last week, but it rolled off the nest, wasn’t properly incubated, and was no longer viable, French said.

Resourceful, perhaps, and protective, certainly—but hardly a parenting role model.

I recently returned from a week in the Bahamas. On a layover in Fort Lauderdale, I had the opportunity of perusing the airport newsstand. After I had finished carefully combing through the celebrity gossip rags and home decor mags in the “Women’s Interest” section, I turned my attention to the “Men’s Interest” section. (”Men’s Interest,” you see, is where they put all the sports magazines. As if men wouldn’t be interested in Angelina Jolie’s baby bump or six ways to clear clutter! Pshaw!)

Anywho, this is what I saw before me:

Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez, locked in a vicious coverboy smackdown! Refereed by Adriana Lima and her stern palm fronds of discipline!

On Men’s Health, Jeter, arms confidently folded, grins slyly at the camera. “Derek Jeter: How to rule in the clutch!” the magazine enthuses, as if Derek Jeter did not spend last October grounding into double plays. But no matter—Derek looks relaxed, assured, and like he gets an awful lot of sugar from an awful lot of females. The design of the shoot portrays Jeter as a man’s man, an approachable-but-cool Everyman that the reader could swap stories with over drinks. Plus, Men’s Health is sort of like FHM’s slightly older brother; still a scallywag at heart, he’s traded beer for whiskey and pizza for steak. It’s a good fit for the image Jeter wants to project. Well played.

On Men’s Vogue, by contrast, A-Rod squints nearsightedly into the lens, his lips in their trademark sullen pout. An aura of defensive self-consciousness pervades his hand-on-hip stance. Whereas Jeter seems to have won the respect and approval of the Men’s Health editors, Rodriguez seems to have angered the good people at Men’s Vogue, who taunt him with a “Clutch Time” slug over the headline. Here, there is no talk of “ruling” in the clutch. Here, there is only a loaded question: “Can Baseball’s Biggest Bet Redeem Himself—and the Game?” That is a tall order, especially for one who has a reputation of crumbling under pressure—as Men’s Vogue no doubt knows. As for A-Rod’s choice of magazine, the only glossy gayer than Men’s Vogue is The Advocate. Thus, it must come as no surprise to Alex or his handlers that A-Rod, having agreed to do the cover, appears in a pose, outfit, and lighting designed to call attention to his nether-goods. (Note how the eye immediately leaps to the bright white of his trousers, while the black shirt and socks recede into the background; note also how the aforementioned nether-goods are located almost exactly in the middle of the magazine cover. The unsuspecting reader is lured into checking out A-Rod’s package against his will!) One wonders why Rodriguez even agreed to do the shoot. But as usual with A-Rod, the more he struggles against his appearance-obsessed poseur image, the more it ensnares him.

However, despite this, the real winner of this magazine smackdown is not Derek Jeter. No, gentle readers. The real winner is Josh Beckett:

Aside from the slight irony of Beckett appearing next to a “RIP YOUR ABS” screamer, this cover shot is the clear winner. While Beckett’s facial hair looks as ridiculous as ever, and the artistic director seems to have oiled him up within an inch of his life, he gets some extra points for that Texas-sized Red Sox belt buckle and those well-displayed forearms. The lighting, angle, and pose cast Josh Beckett as a sort of super-hero. Plus, it’s worth noting that neither Men’s Vogue nor Men’s Health are quite as badass as Men’s Fitness (”Train to fight the MMA Way” versus “10 Ways to Look Great!” and “Lean and Mean: the New Slim Suits”). But the saving grace of Beckett’s cover is that despite wearing stonewashed jeans, a massive gold chain, and the aforementioned UFH, and despite looking like self-tanner exploded all over his entire body, and despite ending up so airbrushed that he looks a little bit like BeckettT1000 (sent back in time to destroy opposing hitters!), Josh Beckett seems here like he really doesn’t give rat’s derrière what you think of him. And though, of the three, he’s the one with the biggest claim to glory in the clutch (a 6-0 record with a 1.73 ERA in the postseason), Men’s Fitness doesn’t even approach such philosophical notions. Instead?

Ladies and gentlemen, the winnah and still champeen.

It’s amazing how the more things change, the more they stay the same. Looking at today’s headlines I noticed…

1. The Red Sox and Yankees are about to enter a bidding war.
2. Alex Rodriguez’s new contract (which hasn’t even been finalized yet) is creating some controversy.
3. The Cubs are hopeful Wood and Prior will contribute next season.
4. The Mariners are hoarding all the Japanese players.
5. Mike Hampton is hurt.

For those of you who missed it (where the hell were you?), last week, we here at UmpBump nominated 27 deserving men to be the first ever recipients of The Douchies, an award that finally recognizes the douchiness of certain individuals employed by Major League Baseball. Close to 500 of you cast a total of 1746 votes in our four categories and I have to say, some of the results were surprising.

So here they are! Your winners of the 1st Annual Douchie Awards!

The Reggie Jackson Award for Best Display of Attention Grabbing is named after a man who has attained mythical stature as an attention-whore during his playing career. He was the forebearer to the modern, preening baseball player, putting the size of the contract ahead of most anything else. This award will be presented to the person who best personified Mr. Jackson’s penchant to run after the spotlight no matter what cost.

And the winner is…

Read the rest of this entry »

Alex Rodriguez now knows what it feels like to be upstaged. Barry Bonds’ indictment drowned out the news reports that A-Rod was about to re-sign with the Yankees. Since A-Rod’s contract status has been the most hotly discussed topic in an otherwise rather tepid hot-stove season, surely the news of his impending nuptials with New York would have garnered more airtime, no?

Maybe not. As Nick was among the first to point out, maybe A-Rod heading back to New York was more of a foregone conclusion than it at first seemed.

As late as Tuesday, media reports were circling that the players’ union, dismayed over the lack of interest in A-Rod, was growing concerned about possible collusion against him by the owners.  But this just shows how paranoid the players’ union is. There is only one team in baseball that can afford a 10 year, $275 million deal. Even with some deep pockets at other clubs, no one can match the Yankees in a bidding war.

Alex, we are supposed to believe, was angry at the way Boras mishandled the situation, announcing his client’s free agency during Game 4 of the World Series. Alex, we have been told, was hurt by the backlash against him and wanted to remain a Yankee all along. So Alex, the media reports said, approached the Steinbrenners with his tail between his legs, his agent nowhere to be seen, and asked for forgiveness…and 10 years, 300 million dollars. Boras, for his part, finally met his match.

I’m skeptical. If there is one thing A-Rod has shown so far, it’s that he has little media savvy and, despite his most desperate efforts, no control over his image. And if there’s one thing we know about Scott Boras, it’s that he’s an evil genius who doesn’t care how he makes his millions. If Scott Boras had the choice between a hypothetical 8 year, $200 million deal from, say, the Dodgers and a 10 year, $275 million deal with the Yankees, and the only thing he had to do to get his percentage of the extra $75 mill was fabricate a little bad blood between his client, the most disdained player in baseball, and himself, the most despised agent in baseball, do you think he’d even hesitate? Besides, the I’m-mad-at-my-agent-let’s-just-talk-without-him schtick is a tactic the two have used before. And in the past, he’s described his job as to “create the theater of who the player is.”

Did Boras miscalculate when he leaked the news of his client’s free agency during the World Series? Undoubtedly. Was Boras mistaken in the market out for A-Rod? Almost certainly. When push came to shove, the only team to even make Rodriguez a formal offer was…the Toledo Mud Hens. But did Boras cost his client money? I don’t think so. Even with the money they were getting from the Rangers, the contract extension the Yankees were preparing for A-Rod came to 8 years, $230 million. At the worst, Boras hurt his client’s reputation (which his machinations, as described above, have now already started to repair). Even if A-Rod hadn’t opted out, the Yankees probably would have been willing to give A-Rod another couple of years and a few more tens of millions of dollars. So at worst, from A-Rod’s perspective, the past three weeks have all been a pointless sideshow. And at best, this pointless and probably painful sideshow has netted him some extra millions. While the Yankees probably would have gone up to $275 million even without the opt-out drama, that extra bit of leverage is, in my view, what allowed Boras to squeeze out an extra $25 million in performance bonuses. That brings the total potential value of the contract to the nice, round number of $300 million dollars. Which, of course, is just what Boras originally set out to get. Beyond the A-Rod/Yankees drama, there’s another winner here: the Texas Rangers, who are finally free of the albatross of the $252 million deal they signed with A-Rod all those years ago. What might they do with their extra $21.3 million? Might they sign a free-agent pitcher? Might that be Kenny Rogers, who just happens to be another Boras client? It wouldn’t be the first time Boras has been accused of orchestrating events to suit multiple clients at the same time.

Boras might look like the loser of this contest in this news cycle, but make no mistake: long term, he has won. Again. In the world of Scott Boras, everything has a price. And to get his client the 10 year, $300 million dollar deal he wanted, all Boras had to do was kick some dirt on his own reputation. That’s a trade you have to make.

Yesterday, New York Times writer Jeffrey N. Gordon gave us his take on the A-Rod opt-out. And it’s a must read.

In short, Gordon thinks A-Rod opted out because he wants to be a Yankee, not because he doesn’t.

Conventional wisdom is that Rodriguez willfully ignored the Yankees’ repeated public assertions that they could not rationally pursue him in free agency because they would lose $30 million from the Texas Rangers when they took over his contract. But the Yankees’ assertion is simply a bargaining gambit.

Assume some other team, call them the Dodgers, were to offer Rodriguez $32 million a year for eight years. Remember that the Dodgers are receiving no part of the Rangers’ booty. Is it really the Yankees’ position that Rodriguez is worth more to the Dodgers than to the Yankees? If the Dodgers can afford to pay the $32 million a year, can the Yankees — the richest franchise in sports — plead poverty?

Gordon then goes on to defend A-Rod’s agent, Scott Boras, and his decision to announce A-Rod’s opt-out during game seven of the World Series:

Does this sound too sophisticated for a fellow who makes his living hitting home runs? Remember that his agent, Scott Boras, is the black-belt negotiator. Why would Boras gratuitously expose Rodriguez to ridicule and scorn?

I gotta tell ya, I agree with Gordon. We’ve all been so quick to assume that Boras announced A-Rod’s opt-out during the World Series because it offered his client maximum media exposure.

But let’s give Boras the benefit of the doubt. He’s never given us any reason to suspect he’s anything but media savvy.

Go ahead. Read Gordon’s story. And then ask yourself: did I underestimate Scott Boras — again?

Today ESPN reports something that many Red Sox fans already took for granted: Big Papi is perfect.

According to the world wide leader, “Boston designated hitter David Ortiz became the seventh player to earn a perfect 100 in the annual statistical compilation issued Wednesday by the Elias Sports Bureau, which uses a formula players and owners negotiated in 1981.”

What does that mean, exactly? Damned if I know. All the story says is that, “The formula for the rankings was determined by players and owners as part of their 1981 strike settlement.” Why did they devise the formula? What does the formula help decide? These are questions for which I do not have answers (I’ll let Paul or Nick answer them in the comments section). But I gotta tell ya, I’ve got my doubts about any formula that says that Mike Lowell had a better season than A-Rod. I love ya, Mike. Love the eyebrows. But let’s be real.

Regardless of its significance, one thing the perfect 100 statistical ranking is good for is sparking conversation. And so I leave you with the text of an email discussion that went down this morning, between Paul, Sarah and Nick. Enjoy.

(But first, some context: while Paul and Sarah chatter amicably over the internets, they have never met)

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Paul
Subject: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
And I have no idea what she sounds like. So… That’s kind of odd.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3088975

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Sarah
Subject: Re: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
like this: BAHAHAHAHA. except i think, on this particular occasion, that a more evil, snide, “muahahahahHAHAHAHA!” is appropriate. of course big papi is perfect. this is news to some people?? and folks said he was having an “off year.” fools. fools!

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Paul
Subject: Re: Re: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
i was talking more about Lowell rating higher than A-Rod

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Sarah
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
Oh. Yeah. That too.
Mark my words, those Yankees are going to come a-calling for Mikey Lowell. They are going to offer him a lot of money and more years than they should, and they are going to try and crowbar him away from the Red Sox.

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Nick
Subject: Re: Re: Re: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
Mike Lowell rates higher than A-Rod because that crazy system was designed in 1981 and loves batting average more than anything. Hence Ortiz scoring 100 because his average was way up this year. The system also loves RBI, SB, and fielding percentage, but it doesn’t even consider runs scored, OBP, or caught stealing, let alone WARP3.

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Sarah
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
“Captain, the Romulan craft is hailing us.”
“Open a channel, Worf.”
“Captain Picard, we seek only to pass peacefully through this quadrant.”
“Captain, he’s hiding something.”
“Thank you, Troi. Worf, get us out of here. WARP3.”

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Paul
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
Sarah, I know you’re mocking us for being geeks. But it’s very bold of you to mock us geeks by quoting Star Trek.

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Sarah
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
I am nothing if not bold. All those hours of TNG (all those VHS tapes of TNG still in my parents’ attic!) did not go for naught.

This hot-stove season’s 3rd base free agent pool has already been the subject of much debate, thanks to one Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez. Then there’s the other premiere free agent third baseman on the market—one Michael Averett Lowell, better known as Mike. And after that, well, we have…the rest. All of them, coincidentally (or maybe not coincidentally, come to think of it) hail from the National League, and most are light-hitting utility infielder-types in their thirties. Yikes. Teams who don’t have a great 3B under contract already and who don’t win the A-Rod/Mike Lowell sweepstakes may well be SOL.

The options:

Jeff Cirillo of Arizona These days, he’s another mid-200’s hitter with good defense, but approaching old-as-hills status at 38.

Aaron (Bleepin’) Boone of Florida Last season, he spent more time at first, and more time on the DL, but provided he can stay healthy he could probably move back across the diamond with little difficulty (if “little difficulty” means “the same high error totals we’ve come to expect from Aaron Bleepin’ Boone”). He can still hit, but his power has been gone since the steroids crackdown. One day, Tim Wakefield will find him where he sleeps.

Mike Lamb of Houston Not a bad option—he hit .289 this season with a .366 OBP. No great shakes, defensively. 32 years old.

Corey Koskie of Milwaukee Didn’t play this year after suffering a concussion on the field in 2006. The Brewers declined to exercise his 2008 option, as their hot corner will be anchored for the foreseeable future by Rookie of the Year candidate Ryan Braun. If he can make a comeback, he’ll still be a bottom-of-the-order type guy. Plus, he’s 34 already. Theoretically, he could work as a defensive replacement. Alas, this is complicated by the fact that he’s never really played any position except third. I’m guessing the Brewers are planning on making Braun take grounders 6 days a week for the next four months. He could well end up a non-roster invitee.

Abraham Nunez of Philadelphia Great defensive range, but another light-hitting 31-year-old.

Russell Branyan of St. Louis Strikes out three times as much as he walks and finished the season hitting under the Mendoza line. 31 years old. Defensively, more of a utilityman than a real third baseman.

Pedro Feliz of San Francisco Of third basemen with enough at-bats to qualify, this guy was last in the majors in OBP. However, he’s among the top 5 in defenisve ability. 32 years old.

Tony Batista of Washington Another mediocre utility infielder in his mid-30s who hits in the mid-.200s. Yawn.

Geoff Blum of San Diego Ditto, but better on defense.

In 2003, his last season with Texas, Alex Rodriguez led the American League in home runs, runs scored, and slugging percentage, and won his second consecutive Gold Glove Award.

Rodriguez also became only the second player to win an MVP award while playing for a last place team. Who was the first?