Oh my God. It’s Friday! Finally! To give you a sense of where things stand at UmpBump HQ, en route to the office this morning I took a sharp left turn with my cup o’ Joe not properly secured in the cup holder (evidently). Now I have no coffee to drink, and altogether too much coffee soaked into my pants. Never have I needed some TGIF action so badly, and I trust you, loyal readers, feel the same. And here at UmpBump, “action” = “links.”

Rumors and Rants presents the ten worst contracts in baseball today. Guess who Number 1 is?

We didn’t talk about the John Bale story (pitcher on DL frustrated with how rehab is going, punches door with pitching hand, breaks hand) here on UmpBump because we were satisfied with the level of snark at Can’t Stop the Bleeding. Obviously, he didn’t have the Crash Davis tutorial on not hitting doors with your pitching hand. (I can’t keep giving you these free lessons!)

Rob Parker of the Detroit News says “like him or not, the Tigers need Bonds.” I disagree, given that the Tigers are actually third in the AL in runs scored and in the top five in every important offensive category. The problem for Detroit is that they’ve allowed the most runs of any AL Team—yes, even more than the Rangers. I fail to see how signing Barry Bonds is going to change that. But I guess we have to have thirty different versions of the article, “Team X needs to sign Barry Bonds,” no matter how silly some of those are.

Speaking of Bonds, he helped start this recent trend of using maple bats, which can be dangerous when they shatter (see photo). I’m an ash bat purist, so I was glad to see Jeff Passan’s article calling for the end of maple bats at Yahoo! Sports. (Hat tip to ShysterBall.)

Brawl! Since bench-clearing brawls are officially one of the reasons baseball is awesome, Babes Love Baseball has the video (in slo mo!) of Richie Sexson going after Kason Gabbard for throwing a high pitch. When I saw Sexson fling the helmet at Gabbard, and Gabbard promptly curl up in the fetal position on the pitcher’s mound, I knew I was watching an instant classic. The rest of the brawl is just gravy.

Ladies… has the goods on Carlos Gomez in the wake of his hitting-for-the-cycle performance. How you doin’?

Bill Plaschke tries to clarify whether Vin Scully is retiring or not. I came away with a new determination to watch all the Dodgers games this year on MLB.TV, just in case.

And Pinstripe Alley and River Ave Blues would both like to know why all the fuss about Joba’s fist pump. Seriously, a fist-pump controversy? That seems a bit much, even to this Boston fan. Try getting yourselves a shortstop on pace for 45 errors on the season, then tell me about controversy. I would love to hear the ululating in New York if Julio Lugo played for the Yankees. (Mostly because that would mean Julio Lugo was playing for the Yankees.)

And to wrap it up, Soxaholix presents: Youkalicious!

Know something I should be reading? Let me know!

I do try to control my raging Boston homer impulses here on UmpBump, but there’s only so much a girl can do. I’ve just got all these BoSox-centered thoughts rattling around in the old bean, and I’ve got let some of them out! But if you stick it out for a few paragraphs, there will be some assorted MLB-wide random thoughts towards the end.

Curt Schilling may be an opinionated guy, but he’s not afraid to admit when he’s wrong. He played catch yesterday, after what he described as his longest period without throwing a ball since he was five years old. And he admitted that the course of rehab recommended by the Red Sox doctors—which he fought tooth and nail—is working. And the weight bonus has been dropped from his contract. Bartolo Colon is pitching for Pawtucket on Saturday. And yesterday, Boston’s other old man, knuckleballer Tim Wakefield, threw 8 innings of shut-out ball in Detroit. Good times for Boston’s venerable hurlers.

Gordon Edes (still at the Boston Globe, at least for the time being) had a quick observation about Julio Lugo:

Julio Lugo began the day ranked at the bottom of all defensive categories for big-league shortstops. He had the most errors (9), the lowest fielding percentage (.919), was last in assists per nine innings (2.36), and last in range factor (3.49). The rest of the Sox infield? Mike Lowell, Sean Casey, and Dustin Pedroia have one error apiece, Kevin Youkilis none. Most of Lugo’s errors have come on routine plays, an indictment of his fundamental skills more than his athleticism…

This jibes with what I’ve been observing. Lugo gets to the ball and then bobbles it, or lets it go under his glove, or even snags it and then throws it away. It just seems like he’s not focused, as if he’s thinking too many steps ahead instead—he looks like he’s taking his eye off the ball when it’s coming to him and then getting rid of it before he gets his feet under him. Basic stuff. Lugo has called himself an aggressive shortstop and has admitted that sometimes, his enthusiasm results in mistakes. I wish he’d get a little more Zen-master-like focus.

Anyway, compare Edes’ observation, above, with this sentence from Nick Cafardo, the man who took over the Sunday Notes column from him:

Is there a shortstop alive with more range than the Angels’ Erick Aybar (please, no “range factor” stats)?

Ugh. For the record, Erick Aybar is leading MLB shortstops in range factor this season. He’s 13th in fielding percentage. Or, if you’re Nick Cafardo, in “‘fielding percentage’ stats.” Cafardo also interviewed Johnny Damon, who sounds like a bit of an ass:

You’re 34 years old with more than 2,100 hits. Do you ever think about playing a long time and getting 3,000 hits and possibly making it to the Hall of Fame?

JD: “I’m starting to think about it. I never thought about it because it’s a team game and there are so many pitches I took to try to work the pitch count to make it easier on people like [David] Ortiz, Mike Sweeney, and Manny [Ramírez]. I mean, what if I just swung and got the hits and all the times I played when I shouldn’t have to make sure other guys stay fresh? If you think about that over seven or eight years, how many would I have had? I’m starting to think about it more.”

Apparently, Johnny Damon could have had a lot more hits by now, if he hadn’t been trying to selflessly help the team. (Whaaa?)

At a recent game in the Fens, we were sitting right behind the Boston bullpen. We watched Hideki Okajima rub the parrot for good luck before the game. We watched Julian Tavarez flirting with the girls seated next to us. Billy the bullpen cop saw an adorable little boy walk up to the metal fencing and peek down into the pen; Billy got Jonathan Papelbon to walk over to the fence and say hi. The little boy’s eyes widened to the size of catchers’ mitts. We saw the guys trying to throw pumpkin seeds into a plastic cup. (Only one seed went in, by my count, but some unseen hand was throwing those seeds with a lot of great, biting movement on ‘em. It would really dive in against a righthanded hitter, with good downward break as well. Wonder who that was?)

Boston’s now enjoying a 4-game lead for first place in the AL East. The Rays are 4 back, the struggling Yanks and the Jays a game behind them, and the Orioles are back in the cellar where they belong.

Other MLB randomness:

Have you ever noticed how Placido Polanco has a head like a midget? It’s a midget-shaped head on a regular-sized body. Strange.

Barry Zito will return to the starting rotation without making any appearances out of the bullpen. This seems less like a return to sanity on the part of San Francisco management than like they utterly and completely lack for any sort of plan, at all. But then, we knew that.

The players’ association is investigating suspicions of collusion regarding unsigned veterans like Kenny Lofton and Barry Bonds. But old is old and indicted is indicted, no?

MLB looked into the blow-up doll incident in the White Sox clubhouse and decided it was a “team issue.” GM Ken Williams has been assured by Ozzie Guillen that it won’t happen again. Yet the skipper has told the press he sees nothing offensive, immature, or otherwise pathetic with having lewdly positioned blow-up dolls in the clubhouse because it’s a clubhouse, and what happens in the clubhouse should stay in the clubhouse because it’s the clubhouse, goddammit, and if grown men want to play with dolls in their clubhouse than that’s their clubhouse-given right! Clubhouse. (Note to self: rename office cubicle “the clubhouse;” purchase opium; hire harem boys; acquire a quantity of mead, one of those roasted pigs with the apple stuck in its mouth, and a cake; send Outlook invites for Friday afternoon orgy.) Now, it should be noted that there was, at one point, a naked blow-up doll in my freshman year dorm room. I have no idea how it got there, but one day I woke up and saw it, lo and behold, perched atop my roommate’s wardrobe. And a couple of months later, it vanished. I offer this anecdote just by way of saying, random and tasteless blow-up dolls could happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time.

Jacoby Ellsbury has been suffering from an “aggravated groin” (Fenway West). The other night at the ballpark, my friend asked me, “An aggravated groin? What’s an aggravated groin? How did he get an aggravated groin?” I replied, “I’ll have to get on that.” What I meant, was, I’ll have to figure that out. Badump-CHING! Tacoby Bellsbury should be back in the lineup tonight.

With Noah Lowry on the DL and Barry Zito headed to the pen, talk of a six-man rotation in San Francisco has died down. This pleases me, because six-man rotations are one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard of. Teams already have a tough enough time finding five decent starters, and as it is, the fifth slot on most teams is something of a revolving door. And the idea of a 25-man roster consisting of perhaps 13 pitchers is equally disgusting. But as Giants Win notes, the larger concern for the San Fran squad may be their utter and complete lack of offense—on pace to score fewer runs than a dead ball era team. Oh my God.

I, like many, thought Phil Hughes’ “oblique strain” was code for “needs to go work out his suckage in the minors.” But now they’re saying it’s a stress fracture in one of his ribs. Hughes says he has “no idea” how he got it. But how do you fracture a rib and not realize it? Given that he also suffered a strained hamstring and a sprained ankle last year, NYY fans have to be hoping this is nothing more than a run of bad luck. But on Bronx Banter, it sounds like hope (not to mention patience) is running out.

Lone Star Ball gives Mindy McCready’s dad an Inigo Montoya Award. Any cross-pollination between baseball and The Princess Bride is always appreciated.

I like the Brewers. I have three of them on my fantasy team. I picked them to upset the Cubs for the NL Central title. But I don’t see how they’re going to do that without Ben Sheets. His first three starts filled me with hope. His subsequent triceps strain, despair. Now I don’t know what to think. Fortunately, I have the Hardball Times and pitch FX to tell me what’s what. Unfortunately, they also think the triceps tightness could be related to a rotator cuff issue. Nooooooooooooooo…..

Did you see Frank Thomas hit that triple a few days back? Did you wonder, whoah, when does Frank Thomas hit a triple? So did MopUpDuty. My favorite nugget from this post: Mark McGwire had only 6 triples in his entire career.

This week’s Metro column, on why the Rays are for real, but the other April surprise in the AL East, the Orioles, are not.

And finally, the Nats have a song. So Bugs and Cranks came up with hilarious ditties for all the other teams, too! I will now joyfully sing along to the new, awesome, Red Sox fan song:

We’re rawkous (raucous!) for the Red Sox!
We’re rawkous for the Red Sox!
We’re crazy and we’re awesome, brah!
We’re rawkous for the Red Sox!

Sully and Fitzy and Paddy Go Bragh
We’ll cut yer fuckin’ face if you look at us wrong!
So let’s go Nation of Red Sox fans!
Let’s throw some pizza in the stands!

Let’s go Red Sox!

As the lyrics of Jonathan Papelbon’s warm-up song (that *Dropkick Murphys tune from The Departed) sort of sound to me like, “I’m a sailor BRAAAAAH! And I lost my BRAAAAAH!”, I’m happy to see the emphatic syllable making the rounds in other Sox-related shanties.

*The lyrics were actually penned by Woody Guthrie. The real lyrics are, “I’m a sailor peg and I lost my leg.” The leg part, I get—but peg? Is that like, “I’m a sailor, Peg” (as if to his girlfriend, Peggy)? Inquiring minds want to know.

This is another in our occasional series of posts wherein we update you on the status of the nonstop schadenfreude express which is the 2008 San Francisco Giants…

As virtually everyone knows by now, $126 million man Barry Zito has been summarily banished to the bullpen after beginning the season 0-6. But what I still don’t get is why the Giants would do this, as it seems like the worst possible option. By all accounts Zito is fully healthy, and given that the Giants have no chance whatsoever of contending this season, the best way to get any return on their investment is to let him eat innings as a starter. Just put him on a 100-pitch count and run him out there, no matter how many runs he gives up. On the other hand, if they want Zito to work on his mechanics in a less pressurized environment, then they should get him to agree to go down to the minor leagues, where he can start every 5th day against AAA hackers and get his confidence back. And if he won’t go down, a third option would be to just do what every other team does and make up an injury so you can DL him and then give him “rehab starts” in the minors. But the last place you want a pitcher with an 80-mph fastball is in your bullpen, where he is going to be useless in anything other than once-a-week mop-up relief, won’t get enough work to work out his mechanics, and will be eating up a spot on the roster.

In other rotation news, Kevin Correia has gone down with an oblique strain which will sideline him until at least the end of May, and Noah Lowry’s recovery from a nerve injury in his forearm is going much slower than expected. Originally he was expected back in mid-April, but now Giants athletic trainer Dave Groeschner is saying, “We’re probably going to have to shut him down for a significant amount of time,” and his return date is indefinite. Pat Misch has been called up to replace Correia, but it is uncertain who will replace Zito.

Meanwhile, lone rotational standout Tim Lincecum was handed what should be the first of many losses this year, losing to the Rockies despite a strong 7-inning, 3 ER performance, because his offense could only muster 2 runs behind him.

As for that Giants offense, they remain last in the Major Leagues at 3.2 runs scored per game. Although they have somehow been able to compile a record of 13-16 so far, good for third place in the NL West, their run differential would produce an expected 19 losses, tied for worst in the game with the Padres, so the Giants have been lucky so far to do as well (?) as they have.

The bloom is off the rose for emergency minor-league call-up John Bowker. After a blistering major league debut in which he batted .364 with 3 homers and 9 RBI in his first 9 games, inspiring hope in Giants fans that they might have secretly had a hitting prospect they never knew about, the guy who had never played above AA before this year fell off a cliff, going 3 for his next 31, and is now batting .193/.217/.404 as reality reasserts itself.

Your obligatory Brian Bocock batting update - .157/.280/.171 for a mind-bogglingly low .452 OPS.

In steroid-related news, one of the lone bright spots in the Giants organization this season - catcher Eliezer Alfonzo - who had been on the verge of a call-up after batting .306 with 3 homers and 14 RBI for AAA Fresno, was suspended by MLB for 50 games for testing positive for taking a banned substance, which Alfonzo has admitted doing.

Is it really only Wednesday? Alas, so it would seem. Let’s have some lunchtime linkage:

Barry Zito needs himself a slumpbuster. BabesLoveBaseball has some suggestions.

If that doesn’t work out, the Fresno Beehive would like him to come to Fresno. The AAA Grizzlies need an ace, Barry!

Another installment in Deadspin’s excellent series of horrifying moments in sports journalism, this post features a deaf Ken Griffey Jr, a naked Jay Buhner, and a mostly-naked Lou Piniella.

The 25th anniversary of Lee Elia’s famous tirade (Eighty-five percent of the f*ckin’ world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here!) brought you by FanIQ.

Do-gooding HBW alert: Kelli Pedroia.

Beyond the Box Score says Ryan Zimmerman’s not sucky, just unlucky.

Some great ballparks to check out for that minor league road trip you’ve been planning, courtesy of Bus Leagues Baseball.

Boston’s DL payroll exceeded the payroll of the entire Marlins ballclub. But hey, at least it was cheaper than New York’s DL payroll. (Center Field)

And as always, I like to read good stuff. So if you have some, share it.

How sucky are the Giants this year? Our ongoing occasional series, “San Francisco SuckWatch 2008,” keeps you up to date! So with out further ado, let’s dive right in and see what is sucky about the Giants this week…

- Someone named Brian Bocock has played every inning at shortstop except one so far this season for the Giants. His batting line so far? .179 / .303 / .196. And as ugly as that line is, it is unlikely to get much better. Last season Bocock did not play a single game above A-ball, and in 345 at-bats at high-A San Jose, he posted a batting line of .220 / .293 / .328. Even if those stats from last year were directly transferred to the major leagues, they would instantly make Brian Bocock the worst-hitting shortstop in baseball, yet those were the stats he compiled last year, in A-ball.

- Bocock has been so bad that the Giants are calling up his double-play partner from A-ball last year, Emmanuel Burriss. This has become necessary because Omar Vizquel, the 41-year old shortstop the Giants resigned after he batted .240 last season, is not healing as fast as was hoped from his knee surgery. If the Giants’ fallback plans at shortstop are two guys from A-Ball, and Bocock is the best of those two, you really have to wonder just how truly terrible the other guys they have playing short in the Giants system must be.

- Bizarrely, in calling up Emmanuel Burriss the Giants DFA’d Rajai Davis, one of their few major-league ready outfield prospects, and the prize they swiped from the Pirates for Matt Morris. Although in the long run Davis projects as a fourth outfielder type, he is highly regarded as a defender in the outfield, and is not entirely incompetent with the bat, so you have to wonder why the Giants are risking losing him to a waiver claim.

- As of this writing, the Giants remain last in the entire Major Leagues in runs scored with 61 runs in 19 games, an average of 3.21 runs per game.

- According to the USS Mariner, the average velocity of Barry Zito’s fastball in 2008 is 82.7 miles per hour. Yes, that is the average, not the lowest. And according to calculations by The Big Picture, Barry Zito will make an estimated $86,000 per inning over the life of his contract, and that is assuming an extremely generous 35 starts per season and 6 innings per start!

- Putative staff ace Matt Cain had the worst outing of his career this week, getting hammered for 9 earned runs in 3.2 innings of work.

- As noted by Baseball Digest Daily, the Giants presently have the third longest championship drought in baseball, at 54 years and counting, behind only the Cubs and the Indians.

- Also via The Big Picture, piling on the Giants has become so fun that even the automated computer feed that updates the scores of ESPN’s game tracker has joined the fun.

Many have been predicting the San Francisco Giants to suck, and suck hard, this season. Some have even predicted a 100-loss campaign. So how are the Giants doing so far? Let’s have a look…

As is to be expected, the Giants are last in the Major Leagues with 27 runs scored in 11 games, or an average of 2.45 runs per game.

Sole good hitter Aaron Rowand is struggling at the plate and in the field, due to the fact that he probably has a broken rib.

Centerfielder Dave Roberts will likely have surgery on his knee and be out for months.

In other injury news, top outfield prospect Nate Schierholtz is out with a wounded right shin, outfielder Randy Winn hurt his ankle by hitting himself with his own bat, and reliever Keiichi Yabu has blurred vision after hitting himself in the eye with a rubber band.

Switch-hitting outfielder Dan Ortmeier has been so sucky hitting from the left side that he and the team have made a mutual decision to make him an exclusively right-handed batter from now on.

Putative team ace Barry Zito (0-2) has already been so terrible that he was booed by the home crowd during his introduction at the Giants’ home opener in San Francisco.

Even The Onion is piling on the Giants now, with their article “San Francisco Giants Band Together To Score Run.”

Drunk, belligerent Al Reyes to arresting officer: “Don’t tase me, bro!” (DRaysBay)

In other booze news, Drunk Jays Fans is having a healthy debate about all those…drunk…Jays…fans. How apt.

El Lefty Malo has an intriguing suggestion for Barry Zito: send him down.

Fire Joe Morgan took their sarcastic snark to new heights yesterday with YouTube. Epic.

I love reading CenterField. This woman has gone above and beyond to bring us the video of Jonathan Papelbon’s asstastic Dunkin Donuts commerical. I have been waiting for this moment all week!

There’s a reason UmpBumper Nick didn’t join our fantasy league. “You guys have to understand, fantasy sports is like crack to me,” he confessed. “Once I start, I can’t stop.” Sound familiar to any of you? Well, here’s a way to save yourself from yourself. (RotoNation)

Edgar Renteria apparently likes getting booed now (”When the fans boo me, that’s real exciting”) reports the Boston Herald. That’s not what he said when he left Boston for the Braves, when he said that an early booing by Red Sox fans caused him to put too much pressure on himself. “I don’t know if [the fans] were looking for 30 homers, like Garciaparra in the past did, but it was crazy,” he kvetched at the time, adding “I had never been booed in my career.” We weren’t looking for thirty homers. We just didn’t want thirty errors.

The Red Sox and the homers they hit, from Me and Pedro. An excellent chuckle (at least for Sox fans).

Since 1956, only 5 pitchers have gone their first three starts without giving up a run. Today, tomorrow, and Sunday, three pitchers will try to match this feat—Ben Sheets, Oliver Perez, and Kyle Lohse. Get the details from Baseball Reference’s Stat of the Day.

Doug Glanville’s writing a guest column for the NYT this season.

Also, there’s a Red Sox t-shirt buried under the new Yankee Stadium.

Thank you, that is all.

So the most-bandied-about-name in free agency this offseason has finally signed. Barry Zito will stay in California, but with the Giants, who were looking to add a franchise player to take over from the held-together-with-chewing-gum-and-bobby-pins Barry Bonds. From ESPN:

Barry Zito and the Giants reached a preliminary agreement on the largest pitcher contract in baseball history, a $126 million, seven-year deal…A source familiar with Zito’s contract told ESPN.com’s Jerry Crasnick that the agreement includes an $18 million option for 2014 with a $7 million buyout that could increase the value to $137 million. The option would become guaranteed if Zito pitches 200 innings in 2013, 400 combined over 2012 and 2013 or 600 combined from 2011-13. Zito also has a full no-trade clause.

While this is a lot of money and a risky number of years, the Giants were apparently willing to gamble on Zito’s durability. He’s made more than thirty starts for and thrown 200 innings for each of the last six seasons and has never missed a start.

Nevertheless, the cities that missed out—Texas and New York—aren’t exactly crying into their Cracker Jack.

Tim Cowlinshaw of the Dallas Morning News is urging Rangers fans to rejoice on missing out on Zito:

It’s easy to be fooled by the numbers. Zito’s were mostly good in 2006 - a 16-10 record, a 3.83 ERA that was his best since 2003.

He also had a career-high 99 walks. And it’s his numbers the last four years, since his 2002 Cy Young season, that provide a fuller picture of what the Giants are getting in return for that $126-million pledge.

Last year was the first time since 2002 that Zito had the best ERA on Oakland’s starting staff. First time he ranked higher than third, in fact.

Meanwhile, in New York, the papers reflect the frustration of Mets fans, who thought they had Zito in the bag. The New York Times:

[T]he Mets have now missed out on four pitchers this off-season — Daisuke Matsuzaka, Kei Igawa, Jeff Suppan and Zito. They were also unwilling to part with the prospects the Chicago White Sox desired to obtain Freddy García, who wound up going to their divisional rival, the Philadelphia Phillies.

But I have a feeling if the Mets had topped the Giants’ offer, New Yorkers wouldn’t exactly be dancing in the streets. While Omar Minaya was willing to offer a higher average annual salary than some of the other teams in the running, he was not willing to give the 28-year old pitcher a contract of more than five years. And to lure Zito away from his California home, the Mets would have had to meet Boras’s 7-year mark and top San Fran’s offer of $18 million per. That’s just nutty.

Nevertheless, Zito’s new home city has nothing but stars in its eyes (though maybe they’re just the dazed stars seen by someone who has just been hit on the head). From SFGate.com’s Gwen Knapp:

At last, the Giants showed some guts — and some brains directly attached to those newly fortified intestines.

It’s not the $126 million for Barry Zito that makes such an impression. It’s the seventh year on the contract.

No one else had the stomach for it. They bought the conventional wisdom that pitchers, no matter how young or durable, aren’t worth that kind of risk. History said no, don’t do it.

And Chronicle writer John Shea can barely contain his excitement:

Without Barry Zito, the Giants would have been considered a sub-.500 team, struggling for a third straight season in the feeble National League West.

No ace. No closer. No third hitter.

With Barry Zito, everything changes.

Well, that’s for sure. Pitching just got that much more expensive. While the Zito deal may look totally insane on its face, look at it in context. After all, proven-commodity pitching is a rare resource, one that every team needs. And this year is one of those bloated, top-dollar years that just happen from time to time in pro sports. Plus, it’s a market where no workhorse, no matter how old or broken, gets put out to pasture, and where a pitcher with no major league experience can command millions. Looked at like that, paying top dollar for a youngish guy with a solid arm doesn’t seem soooo crazy.

Just kinda loopy.

The New York Times has an interesting story in today’s paper about Barry Zito’s dad, who sounds like a bit of a character, as my mom would say.

Joe Zito, it seems, was a pretty good musician — he was a conductor and arranger for Nat King Cole — but didn’t know anything about sports until he had kids. He and his wife (a former member of Cole’s backup group) let their children develop their own interests. Barry liked to throw things.

Their first daughter, Bonnie, would do chores around the house and then present her parents with a bill for her work. She became an accountant. Their second daughter, Sally, would play with her father’s musical equipment. She started a band.

Their only son, Barry, threw rocks at a clothesline in the yard. He would aim for the clothespins and knock them to the ground. “I noticed it,” Joe said. “But I didn’t know what to make of it.”

Joe decided to encourage Barry’s talent. He signed his son up for little league. He played catch with him in the backyard and bought a book on pitching. All pretty standard dad stuff.

But then the story gets a little strange.

With Roberta working as an ordained minister, Joe decided that the best way to help his son was to quit his job. He was going to become a full-time pitching coach, with no experience and only one pupil. “He gave up his music for me,” Barry said.

Is that normal? Do a lot of major league pitchers have stories about how their families changed their entire lives around in order to nurture their son’s talent? Is that what it takes to get one’s kid to the big leagues?

If so…well, my kids better start thinking about what it’s going to be: med school or law school. Because a career as a major league pitcher is probably not going to happen.