Update below original post.

You can lose your keys. You can lose your iPod. And you can certainly lose your V-card.

But how do you lose a 250lb former Cy Young winner?

Chicago White Sox pitcher Bartolo Colon is scheduled to make a minor league rehab start for Triple-A Charlotte on Thursday.

Problem is, the White Sox don’t know where he is.

“I know where he is supposed to be right now. He’s supposed to be in Charlotte, preparing to start Thursday,” White Sox GM Ken Williams said Tuesday, according to the Chicago Tribune. “Efforts to contact his agent have been successful. Their efforts to contact their client have not been so successful.”

I’m going to refrain from making a joke right now in case it’s something that’s incredibly unfunny. But if it turns out that he’s perfectly fine and was simply wowing the Charlotte locals at a Denny’s with his ability to scarf down 14 Moons Over My Hammies, then it’s sooooo on.

UPDATE: So Colon was located and is supposedly in Charlotte now, having flown in from the Dominican Republic last night. But no one still seems to know why he had gone incommunicado. But Ozzie Guillen has a theory, which is far more entertaining than anything I could have ever dreamed up:

“I worry about Colon because Colon was a big-time Michael Jackson fan,” Guillen said. “He maybe was in LA at his funeral, because I can’t find him. Nobody knows how big of a Michael Jackson fan Colon was. I’m serious. He might be depressed a little bit.”

Of course. Let’s all blame Michael Jackson.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Now it’s being reported that Colon was not on the flight to Charlotte last night and is yet to report to the team.  So to Mr. Colon, I have a few questions:

So Bartolo, are you OK?
Are you OK, Bartolo?
So Bartolo are you OK?
Are you OK, Bartolo?
So Bartolo, are you OK?
Are you OK, Bartolo?
You’ve been hit by, you’ve been struck by, a lack of perspective over the death of an individual whom you’ve probably never met (MAYBE).

Via Deadspin and The Fanhouse, Dodgers Broadcaster Steve Lyons would like his homeowner’s insurance to pay for a little accident…that time a couple years back when he grabbed that woman’s wrist and demanded she show him her boobs, and then got sued. It was an Act of God, I’m tellin’ ya! But seriously, what would Vin Scully say? (Interesting aside: his official bio includes the line, “He has earned national notoriety as a staple of Fox Sports’ coverage of Major League Baseball from 1996-2006, where he earned an Emmy Award and two additional Emmy nominations during his tenure with the network.” I’m not sure “notoriety” was quite the word they wanted right there, but it certainly seems appropriate now.)

Over at Salon, King Kaufman has an interesting meditation on the no-hitter—why it’s superior to other athletic achievements and why he tries to jinx them at every opportunity.

DBacksBuzz notes that Randy Johnson did not fare well in his start for the AAA Tucson Sidewinders last night. ExtraBases notes that Bartolo Colon was strong in yesterday’s AAA Pawtucket Red Sox opener.

BlessYouBoys on Detroit’s April stupor.

DodgerThoughts defends bloggers against—guess who?—Murray Chass. The blog’s author, Jon Weisman, followed the New York Times columnist on Charlie Steiner’s XM talk show yesterday. Chass, alas, used his airtime to rail against bloggers. Weisman gave a thoughtful, measured response, thus demonstrating that bloggers = more thoughtful, measured than Murray Chass. In his post, Weisman also notes that despite the knock that bloggers live in their parents’ basements, the only time when he’s actually moved back in with his parents was during his two-year stint as a beat reporter. (Hat tip to BrewCrewBall, where I read it first.)

And finally, Beyond the Box Score had a bunch of good tidbits yesterday (Bill James on Fenway’s left field, the first of many Joe Torre managing miscues, and what PETA would like to call the new Nationals ballpark (hint: it’s not Furmeat Field).

According to Impacto Deportivo, Colon reached the deal after Ozzie visited the veteran hurler in his native Dominican Republic:

El dirigente Ozzie Guillén viajó a Santiago de los Caballeros a ver lanzar a Bartolo Colón.

Más tarde que nunca, ahora se verán los frutos.

Según supo este martes Impactodeportivo.com.do, Colón ha llegado a un acuerdo preliminar con los Medias Blancas.

Aka (my translation)

The manager Ozzy Gullen traveled to Santiago de los Caballeros to watch Colón pitch.

Better late than never, now we’ll see results.

Impactodeportivo.com.do has learned this Tuesday that Colón has reached a preliminary deal with los Medias Blancas.

The deal is pending Colon pass a physical.

So those of you familiar with our coverage of the Octavio Dotel deal a few weeks ago, know that we were, uhm, skeptical about the whole thing. In fact, Dotel’s agent had originally denied the thing, only for Ken Rosenthal to reveal that a “source” confirmed the deal.

So now, Impacto Deportivo once again brings the scoop and we can only assume its true.

Congratulations.

[ h/t South Side Sox ]

Um….just kidding. Wrong color Sox.