Bernie Williams called the Yankee clubhouse on Monday to speak with manager Joe Torre. According to sources, he wanted to recover a red Swingline stapler that he felt was rightfully his. He also used the call as an opportunity to vent his feelings about locker reassignments, shedding new light on his decision to stay away from Yankee camp as a non-roster invitee.

“They moved my locker four times this year,” he griped, “And I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry.”

According to Newsday, Torre and longtime Yankees Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada all had kind words for Williams, who threatened to burn down the building unless they returned his Swingline, which he insists does not bind up as much as the Boston brand.

“He sounded like Bernie, God love him,” Torre said. “I told him I wish he had come to spring training, but I certainly respect what he decided to do. I just hope I can continue my relationship with Bernie. I felt over the years that we developed as close a relationship as a player-manager can have. A special relationship.”

[...]

Jeter was playful when discussing a player who had been his teammate in every one of his big-league seasons. “It was weird on the flight here [from Tampa] because Bernie used to sit behind me and play that darn guitar,” Jeter said, drawing laughs in a pregame news conference. “I didn’t have to listen to that this trip. Opening Day is special, and not hearing Bernie’s name announced is a little bit weird. It was weird at first in spring training, but we sort of got used to it.”

Later, Jeter again joked about Williams when he was asked if the phone call surprised him. “Absolutely nothing Bernie Williams could ever do would surprise me,” Jeter said. “If Bernie showed up and ran out to centerfield today, I don’t really think anybody that knew him would be surprised.”

[...]

Posada said he could sense yesterday wasn’t an easy one for Williams. “He sounded pretty positive, but Bernie is going to miss not being here more than us,” Posada said. “That’s why he called Joe. You do this for a long time and Opening Day comes around and you’re not there, it’s tough for him.”

Williams finished the conversation by complaining about a mixed drink he had ordered. “I said no salt, no salt for the margarita, but there was salt on the glass,” he said. “Big grains of salt.”

Torre later told reporters that the only reason Williams had played last year was due to a glitch in the payroll department. Apparently, Williams had been laid off after the 2005 season, but somehow kept getting paychecks. “So we just fixed the glitch,” Torre explained. “Figured the problem would take care of itself.”

Yesterday morning as I arrived at the bookstore where I work, I clapped my hands with glee—a coworker was unloading fresh bundles of the New York Daily News, and on the back, the paper was chastising Mr. Yankee, Derek Jeter, for his childish “feud” with Alex Rodriguez, after A-Rod said Monday that the “blood brothers” were now just co-workers.

How disappointed I was this morning to see that Jeter had already made the inevitable, “No, we’re fine” comment. I thought we weren’t scheduled for a backpedaling until next week, Derek. What gives? I was looking forward to more erudite analyses like the following, from New York Post scribe Joel Sherman:

These have not been questions about his relationship with Jessica Biel or Mariah Carey or whatever starlet of the moment Derek Jeter was romancing.

When it comes to that, Jeter is right. His off-the-field associations have nothing to do with on-the-field results. Thus, he has decided to make them off-limits and I totally respect him for that.

But this was not about Page Six. This was about E-6, error on Jeter for malfeasance as a leader.

Ooh! Snap! What else you got, Joel?

Rodriguez attempted to recast the bond between the two and, perhaps, the power dynamics Monday when he admitted that their association had dwindled from “blood brothers” to “a working relationship.” It was, perhaps, a liberating moment for Rodriguez, a chance to stop having to act as if something existed that does not any more.

Jeter’s opportunity to take the cathartic baton came and went yesterday with the Yankee captain defiantly sticking to his cover story…

Cathartic baton! Quelle poesie!

Every story on this subject from the parking lots of New Jersey to the banks of the Hudson has focused on three storylines: Jeter isn’t doing his job as Captain where A-Rod is concerned; Jeter bailed out Jason Giambi when the slugger was caught using steroids, telling fans to cheer for him, yet leaves A-Rod to be booed mercilessly; and that all of this is starting to corrode Derek’s sterling reputation.

Won’t anyone come to Jeter’s defense? Won’t Mariah Carey or Jessica Biel or any of his other beards broads come to his aid?

Ah, wait….riding up on a white horse is none other than…Don Zimmer! Calling the negative press “a disgrace,” The Gerbil said of Jeter, “What do you want him to do? Put his arm around him and kiss him?” Given the frat-boy-humor t-shirts out there, Zim could have, perhaps, chosen his words a little better.

The irony about all of this is that A-Rod made his initial comments ostensibly to put to rest the incessant questions—which have swirled ever since that 2001 Esquire article—about the nature of his relationship with his “frenemy.” I say “ostensibly” because either A-Rod really is the PR naif he sometimes seems to be, with as many foot-in-mouth gaffes as John Kerry, or he is crazy like a fox. I can’t tell anymore. He started the interview saying, “I think it’s important to cut the [redacted]…You don’t have to go to dinner with a guy four, five times a week to do what you do. It [the relationship] is actually much better than all of you guys [the reporters] expect. I just want the truth to be known.”

Funny thing is, when I hear someone blurt out the T-word, I instantly suspect them of chicanery. So when, a few moments later, A-Rod innocently added, “People start assuming things are worse than what they are, which they’re not. But they’re obviously not as great as they used to be, when we were like blood brothers.” Well that’s a little passive-aggressive, don’t you think, Mr. I Just Want The Truth To Be Known. “The reality is, there’s been a change in our relationship over the past 14 years and hopefully we can put it behind us.” I can just see the wheels turning in the Yankee press corps’ collective brain: “So there IS something to put behind them! Aha!” But if A-Rod was trying to start trouble, then the question becomes: why? WHY? You’d think it would be the very last thing the beleaguered third baseman would want.

In other Yankees’ camp gossip, Bernie Williams is still MIA. The outfielder, who spent all 22 professional seasons of his career with the team, does not want to go to Tampa as a non-roster invitee, the only position the Yankees were willing to offer him this spring. But, of course, Jeter finds a way to make this story, too, about himself:

[Williams] has not returned calls from Brian Cashman, Joe Torre, [Jorge] Posada or [Mariano] Rivera. He did return Jeter’s call two days ago.

“He called me back,” Jeter said. “I’m not going to talk about what we talked about. I can’t relate to what Bernie’s going through. He’s been here what, over 20 years? Even I haven’t been here that long.”

Oh, hyuk hyuk hyuk Derek. You kidder.

At this rate, it’s a good thing that Mike Mussina and Carl Pavano have already cleared the air. Spring Training isn’t even a week old and there’s already more drama in the Yankees’ clubhouse than you’d find naturally occuring in a high school bathroom.

What are the Yankees doing to poor Bernie Williams? All the guy wants is one more season as a Yankee, the club he’s spent his entire career with. And they offer him a minor league contract? Where’s the loyalty? Where’s the love?

The Yanks obviously prefer Doug Mientkiewicz to Bernie, which I don’t get. Bernie is, in every way, a better baseball player than Mientkiewicz, who is coming off of back surgery.

I understand that the Yankees are looking for somebody to play first base. And Mientkiewicz is one of the best defensive first basemen around. And the idea of letting Jason Giambi play first even sparingly fills the Bombers’ brass with dread. But are you telling me that Bernie Williams, a former gold-glove centerfielder, couldn’t do a good job playing first? Really? The man is an athlete. Sure, he’s aging, but Mientkiewicz is no spring chicken, either. And did I mention Mientkiewicz is coming off back surgery?

And we haven’t even started talking about hitting. Last year, Bernie hit .281 with 12 hrs and 61 rbi in 420 at bats. Not all-star stuff, but not too shabby for a fourth outfielder. Mientkiewicz hit .283 with 4 hr and 43 rbi in 90 games. He spent half the season on the DL.

Both Bernie and Mienkiewitz are reportedly great clubhouse guys, although Snoop Doug didn’t make any friends in Boston with his refusal to fork over the ball he caught for the last out of the 2004 World Series.

To summarize: with Mientkiewicz you get a .280 hitter with limitted power and an impossible to spell last name who can play first. With Bernie you get a .280 hitter who plays classical guitar, isn’t a slug and who can play both first base and the outfield. And you get to avoid the appearance that your front office doesn’t care about the players, even if those players have given their been with the team their entire careers.

I’m no expert, but it sounds like a no-brainer to me.